Media Share 9/MEDIASHARE_09.ISO/mag&info/e_form11.zip/EPF11-3.TXT

Text File | 1980-01-01 | 29KB | 698 lines

            █████████████
            █ IN BRIEF  █
            █████████████

        --Random Access Humor Magazine
        --New Age Notes
        --Media Link Magazine
        --The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit
        --PC_GLOSSARY
        --GARLIC MAGIC


        ███

        RANDOM ACCESS HUMOR
        A Monthly Online Humor Magazine
        Editor: Dave Bealer

        For those of you who frequent the various online services and
        feel that things need a bit of lightening up, Dave Bealer has
        a magazine for you.  Random Access Humor is primarily about
        BBS humor, but includes barbs pointed at most aspects of
        computerdom.  So far, most of the articles have been written
        by Bealer hinself.

        Here is a brief sampler from the December issue, plus complete
        information on the publication.

        Online Song Book: The Twisted Pairs
        by Dave Bealer
        Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved

        Almost everyone is familiar with how computers are influencing the
        musical arts.  MIDI hardware and software proliferate.  Some it is
        even affordable.

        What many are only now becoming aware of is the influence that
        computers are having on the *content* of song lyrics.  The following
        are some lyrics from the increasing popular folk-rock group, The
        Twisted Pairs.

        Online America
        by the Twisted Pairs

        (* Sung to the tune of "America" by Paul Simon. *)

        Let us be sysops,
        We'll marry our modems together.
        I've got some shareware
        On my C: drive.
        So we bought a pack of floppy disks,
        And Procomm for Windows,
        And logged on
        To Online America.
        "Kathy," I said,
        As we Freq'ed some files from Pittsburgh,
        "BinkleyTerm seems like a dream to me now.
        It took me four tries
        To logon to Maximus.
        Welcome to Online America."

        Laughing at the twits,
        Playing games in the doors,
        She said the man with 286
        Was a spy.
        I said "Be careful,
        His upload is really a virus".
        "Toss me a floppy disk,
        I think there's one in my raincoat."
        "We filled the last one
        An hour ago."

        So I looked at the user list,
        She read the system log;
        And a user hacked into our system.
        "Kathy, we're lost," I said,
        And I knew she was weeping.
        "C:'s empty and it's shaking and
        I don't know why."
        Counting the callers
        On the New Jersey Chat Line.
        They've all called
        Online America.
        All called Online America.


        The User
        by The Twisted Pairs

        (* Sung to the tune of "The Boxer" by Paul Simon *)

        I am just a user
        Though my modem seldom works,
        I have squandered my phone bills
        For a hard-drive full of software
        What's this lunacy?
        All games and GIFs,
        Still a man D/Ls what he wants to use,
        And disregards the rest.

        Ignoring my home
        And my family,
        I am no more than a toy,
        In the clutches of hackers
        In the humming of the carrier
        Running scared,
        Paying tolls,
        Seeking out the multiline boards
        Where the power users go,
        Looking for the systems
        Only they would know.

        In the clearing stands a user,
        And a file-leech by his trade,
        And he carries the reminders
        Of every sysop who twitted him,
        Or cut access till he cried out
        In his anger and his shame,
        "I am starting my own board."
        But the user still remains.


        Bridge Over Troubled Routers
        by The Twisted Pairs

        When you're bleary, the net is down.
        When sleep is in your eyes, the pager goes off.
        Who's on your side, when times get tough?
        When backups can't be found,
        Like a bridge over troubled routers
        I will save your butt.

        Like a bridge over troubled routers
        I will save your butt.

        When you're down and out,
        When you're offline,
        When throughput drops so hard
        I will comfort you.
        I'll take your part,
        When downtime comes.
        When blame is all around,
        Like a bridge over troubled routers
        I will save your butt.

        That new net version,
        Bring it up,
        Your time has come to shine,
        All your users on their way.
        See how they smile.
        If you need a break
        I'm logging on right now.

        Like a bridge over troubled routers
        I will save your butt.
        Like a bridge over troubled routers
        I will save your butt.


        Of course, most musically aware people remember The Twisted Pairs'
        first big hit, the science fiction ballad, "You Can Call Me HAL".

                                     +  +  +

        Random Access Humor Masthead:

        Editor: Dave Bealer

        Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White

        Contact:  The Puffin's Nest BBS
                  FidoNet: 1:261/1129
                  Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
                  BBS: [phone]  (1200-14400/V.32bis)

        Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
                       Random Access Humor
                       c/o Dave Bealer
                       P.O. Box 595
                       Pasadena, MD. 21122  USA

        Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
        disservice to the online community.  Although the publisher's BBS may
        be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
        with any BBS network or online service.  RAH is a compilation of
        individual articles contributed by their authors.  The contribution
        of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
        authors.  The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the author(s)
        and are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher.

        Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer.  All Rights
        Reserved.  Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
        commercial purposes only.  Any system which charges hourly connect
        fees is obviously commercial.  Any system which charges more than $5
        per month ($60/year) for download privileges is also considered to be
        a commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH.
        RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee.
        For any other use, contact the publisher.

        RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form.  Online systems whose
        users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
        viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
        modified.  Users may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
        diskette only for their own personal use.  RAH may not be distributed
        in combination with any other publication or product.

        Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
        their respective owners.

        Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
        or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
        from various sites in several BBS networks.  Back issues of RAH may
        be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.

        Article contributions to RAH are always welcome.  All submissions
        must be made electronically.  File attach your article to a netmail
        message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129.  E-mail may also be sent via
        Internet to:   [e-mail]

        Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail.  Article
        submissions should be made via file.  Submitted files must be plain
        ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
        artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
        extension.  Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
        widest readability.  If your article does not conform to these simple
        specs, it may get lost or trashed.  Also note that such imaginative
        names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
        minded contributors.  If your hardware is incapable of producing file
        names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
        e-mail messages.  It will not be possible to make private responses
        to any submissions or correspondence received.

        The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
        submission as/when they see fit.  The editors also reserve the right
        to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication.  This last
        right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
        grammar misteaks that are not funny.  RAH is a PG rated publication,
        so keep it (mostly) clean.

        RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
        1) Any material in the public domain.
        2) Material for which you own the copyright.  If you wrote it
            yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
        3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
            organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.

        In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
        anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
        message accompanying the contribution.  You still own the material,
        and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
        electronically in the usual manner.  If you want your copyright
        notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text
        you submit.  Previously published articles may be submitted, but
        proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of
        previous publication.

        RAH Distribution System:
        (Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
         contributions and forward them to the editors.)
        (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
         of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)

        The Puffin's Nest       Pasadena, MD.       Sysop: Dave Bealer
        FidoNet> 1:261/1129       [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        SailNet> 53:5000/1129   CinemaNet> 68:1410/101    <contrib>
        (RAH Publication Site)
        Current RAH Issue:            FReq: RAH
        Back Issues of RAH:           FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP
        Complete Writers Guidelines:  FReq: RAHWRITE
        Complete Distributor Info:    FReq: RAHDIST

        RAH Gateway Systems:

        My House -=FBBS=-       Cheasapeake, VA.    Sysop: Scott White
        FidoNet> 1:275/6          [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        RaceNet> 73:108/1    4X4Net> 44:2600/6    SportsNet> 73:108/6
        RecoveryNet> 12:2600/6    Flynet> 196:30/0    PetNet> 73:108/6
        InterSports> 103:1032/0   <contrib>

        Pooh's Corner           Fells Point, MD.    Sysop: Mark Truelove
        FidoNet> 1:261/1131       [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        RBBSnet> 8:936/206     FilNet> 33:410/0     CandyNet> 42:1031/1
        <contrib>

        The Depths of Hell      Bayonne, NJ.        Sysop: Eric Knorowski
        FidoNet> 1:107/813        [phone]       14400 (HST)
        FishNet> 21:102/101  CandyNet> 42:1011/1  ChateauNet> 100:5801/100
        <contrib>

        007LZ                   Southfield, MI.     Sysop: Gary Groeller
        FidoNet> 1:120/636        [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        W-Net_fts> 66:636/1   <mail only - no BBS>

        The Edge of Sanity      Dearborn, MI.       Sysop: Tom Smith
        FidoNet> 1:2410/279       [phone]        9600 (V.32)
        SogNet> 91:7/4279

        H*A*L                   Muskogee, OK.       Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
        FidoNet> 1:3813/304       [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        RFNet> 73:102/1       RANet> 72:918/21       LuvNet> 77:101/1
        DoorNet> 75:7918/205      <contrib>

        The Shop Mail Only      Flushing, NY        Sysop: Steve Matzura
        FidoNet> 1:2603/203       [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)
        ADAnet> 94:7180/1     JayNet> 17:99/100     WorldNet 62:4400/200
        MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12     <mail only - no BBS)


        RAH Official Distribution Sites:

        Automation Central      San Jose, CA.       Sysop: Radi Shourbaji
        FidoNet> 1:143/110        [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)

        Wit-Tech                Baltimore, MD.      Sysop: Doug Wittich
        FidoNet> 1:261/1082       [phone]       14400 (V.32bis)

        Incredible BBS          Burleson, TX.       Sysop: Don Teague
        FidoNet> 1:130/82         [phone]        9600 (V.32)

        Milliways               Pittsburgh, PA.     Sysop: David Cole
        FidoNet> 1:129/179        [phone]       14400 (HST/Dual)

        Supernova BBS           Scotstown, Quebec   Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer
        FidoNet> 1:257/40         [phone]        2400

        Data Empire            Fredericksburg, VA.  Sysop: Richard Hellmer
        FidoNet> 1:274/31         [phone]        2400
        <contrib>

        Outside the Wall        Baltimore, MD.      Sysop: Rob Novak
        FidoNet> 1:261/1093       [phone]        9600 (V.32)

                                     + + +

        ███

        NEW AGE NOTES
        By Gerald Tros

        This shareware disk is a collection of brief metaphysical sayings
        by Canadian writer Greald Tros.  It uses Buerg's LIST.COM to
        display the several files of this material.  There is no set
        registration fee; the writer requests that you send whatever
        you feel is appropriate.

        There used to be a lot if this kind of stuff floating about
        during the late 1960's, especially whenever a shipment of bad
        acid arrived in town.  This drivel deserves a DEL *.*, but I'll
        let you judge for yourself.  Here is a sample:

                                     We can feel and sense
                                   the Power of the Universe
                                      flowing through us.

                                It is in us... and we are of IT.

                                    This Power surrounds us.
                                It protects us and It guides us.

                              We are the Children of the Universe
                                  and the Masters of Ourselves.



                            --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<002>-<>-<>-<>-<>



                                    We are Thought in Action.

                          We are the Action of Universal Consciousness.

                              We are Consciousness in a Matter Body.

                                  Our Body is the Body of God!



                            --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<003>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>--




                                 Our Identity is God's Identity.

                              Our Knowingness is God's Knowingness
                                for the ONE Mind.... is our Mind.

                                     We are the Spirit of God
                                 expressing Love for All That Is.

                                     We are... All That Is
                             surrounded by the Love of Perfection.



                            --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<004>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>--




                     Our Life is a Self-Expression of God... for we are God.

                            Our Life is Perfect... for God is Perfect.

                             We are the Life of God... and we express
                                  the Abundance of the Universe.

                                  We are the Expression of Love.
                                        We are God as Man.


                            --<>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<016>-<>-<>-<>-<>-<>--



                                        You are Greater
                                than you could possibly imagine.
                                          You Are God!

                                    Yet... at the same time
                                          You Are Man!

                              You Are God and Man... simultaneously.

                        You don't have to believe it.... You Are Anyway!


        There is a lot more of the same on  the disk, dozens and dozens of
        such  Pollyanna  mush  "poems."   If  you want a copy, contact the
        author.  This is one electronic publication that is definitely not
        available from Serendipity Systems.

        ███


        MEDIA LINK MAGAZINE
        Media 2000 Productions
        Ron L. Patterson, Editor

        Media Link is a "multimedia" magazine, which means that it is
        a graphics based publication.  The first issue is being
        distributed as freeware and subsequent issues will be available
        by subscription.

        My guess is that this is Media 2000 Productions' first attempt
        at electronic publishing.  The disk arrived with just the
        magazine in a compressed file, plus an install program.  There
        were no accompanying READ.ME or VENDOR.DOC files.  The user
        would not know, therefore, that the uncompressed files take up
        779K of space and do not fit on disks of 720K size or smaller,
        nor would the user know what kind of graphics monitor or memory
        availablity would be required.  Even once the magazine is
        uncompressed, this information is not available.  Media Link
        magazine does run on a 386 with a VGA monitor, but whether or
        not it will run on a lesser machine is not known.  Presumably,
        Patterson and his crew will get their act together in the
        future.  Foe example, the cost for the next six issues will be
        $18.00, but it is not known if this represents one issue every
        two months, or this a half a year's subscription.

        Because it is a graphics-based program, the 779K bytes of
        files actually represents only about 40K worth of information.
        I guestimated that the magazine contains about 25 screens
        of text.  Although the graphics are very well done, but this
        represents a very inefficient use of disk space.  The question
        you will have to ask yourself is: do you want good looks, or
        do you want a volume of information?

        The first issue contained:
        a) one article on Fractal Graphics (a basic introduction to
        Mandelbrot, Julia Sets, Cellular Atomata, etc.);
        b) six brief reviews of various software products (PC-Paintbrush,
        Word for Windows, Act One Plus, Macromedia Action, and others);
        c) six screens of news reports
        d) about ten screens of display ads (with nice graphics) and
        classified advertisements.

        For more information on Media Link Magazine, contract:
          Ron L. Patterson, Editor
          Media 2000 Productions
          840 Rogue River Hwy. Ste. 175
          Grants Pass OR  97527
          [phone] (Voice)
          [phone] (FAX)


        ███

        THE ELECTRONIC CATALOG CONSTRUCTION KIT

        Those of you who are becoming active in electronic publishing
        will find that it is an activity which requires business accumen
        and materials.  One of the most important tools in your sales
        packet will be your catalog.  Since your product will be
        electronic, your catalog too should be electronic.  You can
        either create a catalog yourself or use a ready made one.
        One such program is The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit
        from Cerebral Software.

        Here is the good news about the construction kit: it is easy
        to use and does what it intends to do; the bad news is that it
        lacks flexibility, and you are locked into the perexisting
        template.

        After you start the program, you are presented with a menu of
        items to be used in the catalog.  You can specify up to twelve
        categories of products.  For example, you could have Fiction,
        Poetry, Drama, and other book categories.  You then go on to
        name, price, and describe the individual products in each
        category.  The name and price go on the first line, and the
        descriptions go on subsequent lines for each book. (More on this
        below.)  The program writes each entry to the disk before
        presenting you with the screen for the next book.  If you have
        used a database program, PC-File, Foxbase, or others, this will
        be a familiar procedure.  Once you have described all of the
        items for your catalog, you can specify the information for the
        invoice.  This data includes your company name and address, your
        state's sales tax rate, and how you want to be paid, check,
        credit card. etc.  You can also specify the color scheme for
        your catalog.  Once you have entered all of the data, you
        select "build" and the kit creates a EXE program that will be
        your catalog.  It even creates a READ.ME file with instructions
        for using the catalog.

        Users of your catalog will be able to browse through the a list
        of the items in your catalog and specify how many of each item
        they want to purchase.  Calculations of total prices and taxes
        are automatic.  When browsing through the list of products (i.e.
        the name and price line described above), users can call up the
        description through a hypertext-like jump.  After all desired
        items are selected, the user selects "Print" and the invoice is
        printed complete with all mathematical calculations for
        subtotals, taxes, and shipping.

        Unfortunately there are no provisions for specifying discounts,
        entering credits, or making other adjustments.  Also, the user
        must write in by hand his name and address on dotted lines.
        He can't do this with the computer while running the catalog.

        The Electronic Catalog Construction Kit is available as
        shareware.  The registration fee is $35.00 (or $45.00 with
        printed documentation.)  For more information, contact:
          Cerebral Software
          Attn: Mark Garber
          1815 Wynfair Way
          Marietta GA 30062

        ███

        PC-GLOSSARY

        What the hell are dhrystones?  What, if anything, do they have
        to do with whetstones?  If you had a copy of PC-GLOSSARY you
        could look up these or any of almost five hundred other terms
        related to computers.

        PC-Glossary presents a list of terms through which you can
        scroll, search, or jump about by specifying the first letter of
        the word you want to look up.  When you select a word from the
        list, you get a screen of explanation or a definition.  For
        example, if you selected dhrystones, you would get this:

        Dhrystones
          The performance of a computer system is often evaluated by
        measuring its operational speed in a variety of different tasks.
          The Dhrystone benchmark program is used as a standard figure
        of merit indicating aspects of a computer system's performance
        in areas other than its floating-point performance, for instance,
        integer processes per second, enumeration, record and pointer
        manipulation.
          Since the program does not use any floating-point operations,
        performs no I/O, and makes no operating system calls, it is most
        applicable to measuring the performance of system programming
        applications.
          The program was developed in 1984 and was originally written
        in Ada, although the C and PASCAL versions became more popular
        by 1989.
          See also: Benchmark, MIPS, MFLOPS, Whetstones, Linpack

        In addition to defining words related to computers, PC-GLOSSARY
        contains a number of useful tables.  They include:
          ASCII control codes
          Bytes to Terabytes
          Computer organizations
          Data bus facts
          Extended ASCII characters
          Standard ASCII characters
          Floppy disk specifications
          Data transfer rates
          IBM PS/2 models
          Microprocessor clock rates
          Network transmission rates
          Interrupt Request lines
          Registered trademarks
          DOS filename extensions
          Video display standards.

        PC_GLOSSARY is widely available from shareware sources.  The
        registration fees are $29.00 for the current version, or $79.00
        for a subscription of four quarterly editions.  This software
        is wildly overpriced when you consider that you can get a
        paperback dictionary of computer terms from Radio Shack for less
        than three dollars.

        For more information, contact:
        Disston Ridge, Inc.
        4915  22nd Ave.  North
        St. Petersburg  FL  33710
        [phone]


        ███


        GARLIC MAGIC By George T. Knoblauch

             One of the advantages of having a large number of electronic
        publishing programs available is that computer programming skills
        are not necessary to produce electronic books.  Writers can
        concentrate their efforts on their subject matter, not the computer.
        The result is that books on a wide variety of subjects become
        available.  If we had to rely only on computer programmers for
        electronic books, we might not have a book devoted solely to garlic.

             Garlic is a subject dear to the heart of George Knoblauch, so
        he wrote a book on this topic.  It is an illustrated collection of
        facts, recipes, old wives' tales, folk remedies, gardening hints,
        and research information.

             GARLIC MAGIC uses the Multimedia Workshop interface and
        therefore requires a computer with 640K of memory.  A VGA monitor
        is necessary to fully appreciate the graphics.

             A copy of GARLIC MAGIC is included with FORUM #11 so that you
        can do a do-it-yourself review of this program.  It will be found
        in the compressed file GARLIC.EXE.  The book will have to be
        decompressed before it can be read, and instructions for this will
        be found in the GARLIC.DOC file.

             GARLIC MAGIC is a shareware program, so if you find it to be
        useful to you, you are obligated to register your copy with the
        author.  The registration fee is $10.00.

             For more information, or to register GARLIC MAGIC, contact:
                  George T. Knoblauch
                  P.O. Box 818
                  Castroville,  TX  78009









         PRESS the RIGHT ARROW (numeric keypad) for next file, or
         PRESS INS key to return to the INDEX MENU.
         To QUIT, return to the INDEX MENU, then enter 0 (zero).

                End of file.









        End of file