Internet Info 1997 December/Internet_Info_CD-ROM_Walnut_Creek_December_1997.iso/faqs/alt/answers/lemur-faq/part4

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From: [e-mail] (Joel K. Furr)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs,alt.cows.moo.moo.moo,alt.answers,news.answers
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 4 of 7, Lemurs Versus Cows)
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Summary: This FAQ posting details the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.
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Archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
Last-modified: 1994/08/06
Version: 4.0

    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
                 Part 4 of 7  -- Lemurs Versus Cows

This posting contains the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying
     past my window?
(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the
     cows themselves can't get back in?
(3) What is the Terror Cow?
(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?
(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?
(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?
(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By North-
     west?"
(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?
(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?
(10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?
(11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing
     from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad
     dreams of world domination?
(12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs
     newsgroup?


------------------------------

                            The Answers


(1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past
my window?

When you see a Lemur fly past your window, odds are that it was
one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they've
"borrowed" from the cows' ship. [We refer here to the Cow Ship
rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg,
Virginia, the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this
planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The
anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted, with four to a cow.
But as individual units, they'll lift a Lemur quite nicely.  Of
course, they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands, so the
Lemurs have to "Moo" to fly with them.

Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the
anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese, a job complicated
by the cows' practice of programming all their equipment with a
powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language.  The Lemur
hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of
Lemur-ese: from what we hear, there are 3 separate words they're
trying to install for one command:

      * the first, or "prefrink", command, is the action (what the
      Lemur wants to happen)
      * the second, or "cofrink", command, is the recipient of the
      action (e.g., if the prefrink is "attack" [in Lemur-ese, of
      course], the cofrink would be, for example, Daniel
      Pawtowski, to pick a name at random)
      * the third word, or "postfrink", is similar to what in
      English we call an adverb.  Example, "fly Tulsa _quickly_"
      (translated from Lemur-ese).  Or, "attack store _nuclear_."

-----------

(2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows
themselves can't get back in?

Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows, so they've
managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets
and gain access to the ship's interior via the engineering
crawlways.  They love to sit up on the bridge, staring through the
windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes.  This, of
course, annoys the cows to no end.  Luckily for them, though, the
main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur, as they are keyed to
the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command
Cows.

The worrying thing is this: what happens if the Lemurs find a way
to hotwire the main weapons panels?  Without access to the power
systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still,
that could toast a major city before you could say "heat wave."
The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks
such as the Lemurs are known to excel at.  After all, our big-eyed
Lemurs are primates. And primates, as we all know, are the natural
leaders.  Look who's wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway.
Primates. Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and-
chew-your-cud kinda creatures.  You'll never see anyone painting
pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a
hill-side and sunset backdrop.

-----------
(3) What is the Terror Cow?

Well, basically, the theory goes that there's ONE cow that
somehow has access to the high-tech arsenal aboard the cow ship.
Perhaps this cow does not actually have access to the ship
itself, but rather to a secret store of weapons taken off the
ship before the keys were lost.  In any case, the Terror Cow is
both heavily armed and bad-tempered.

The lemurs have still not figured out how the Terror Cow manages
to keep its supply of rocket-launched grenades and other weapons
of mass destruction up.  Just when you think "The Terror Cow MUST
be out of anti-tank missiles," there comes that knock on your
front door and that low, eerie-sounding mooing.

Ron Jarrell, who is probably reading this, once wrote an abso-
lutely hysterical post on the subject of the Terror Cow.  Had
very little to do with lemurs, but let's treat it as a sort of
tangent.  Anyway, it went something like this:

"I was sitting at home one night when I heard someone knocking at
my front door.  I was upstairs so I looked out the window to see
who it was. Looking down, I saw what appeared to be a large
bovine creature standing on its hind legs, ringing the doorbell.
Sitting out on the street was a large tanklike vehicle with guns
all over it."

"I called down, 'Who is it?'"

"Moooove your car, it's blocking the road."

"I don't HAVE a car."

"Mooooove your furniture."

"I didn't hire any movers, I'm not moving."

"Terror Cow."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

The Terror Cow has been sighted many times over the years, always
mooving ominously about in a large armored vehicle armed with
weapons of mass destruction.  A very cheesed off bovine, as far
as anyone can tell.

Mike Knell ([e-mail]) reports:

"I went out for a few beers last night, and when I got back in found
that the steak I'd nailed to my door as protection  against the ven-
geance of the Terrow Cow (I'm on the hit list after the episode with the
three Lemurs, the crisps and some coffee) had been incinerated - it had
obviously grown very hot at some point. When I got in to my room (the
lock had been smashed with a blunt hoof-like object), I found that a big
pile of grass had been left there, and my teddy bear had been shot
through the head. The note left on my VDU read 'Next time, it's
youuuuu...'. Strangely enough, all my milk had been thrown out of the
window as well."

---------------

(4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?

The Cowship Investigation Agency, or CIA, is headed by Allan
Murphy.  Allan seems obsessed with uncovering the secrets of the Cow
Ship, at present known only by the lemurs who are small enough to fit
into the scramjet intakes and thereby gain access to the interior of the
ship.  Allan has prepared a "Cowship Investigation Questionnaire",
included immediately below, which he would appreciate your completing
and returning to him if you know anything about the cow ship, the
Terror Cow, or the cow weapons used by the lemurs.

--- Begin Questionnaire
---------8<---------------------------------------------

1)  Are you now, or have you ever been in the employ of cows ?

2)  Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that. Tell the
    truth. It'll be easier that way.

3)  Where is the cow starship ?

6)  What width is a scramjet intake ?

7)  And just exactly how do you know this ?

8)  Are you close friends with any of the following:
     A) A lemur
     B) A tarsier
     C) A koala
     D) A flying phalanger
     E) Any form of sloth
     F) Joel Furr
     G) Gary Larson
     H) A command cow
     I) Other cow- or lemur-related being.

9)  Which of the above do you think would fit up a scramjet
    intake best ?

10) Have you ever heard a cow talk, or seen one act in an unusual
    way ? ( eg, fly through the air, pass by in spacecraft, stand
    up and say "I am a command cow, bow down before me, earth-
    ling" )

11) Have you ever seen bright moving lights in the sky, accompa-
    nied by a low "moo" sound ?

12) Which of the following would persuade you to reveal all about
    the cows plans first ?
      A) A pack of angry tarsiers
      B) A hotwired Mooser up the left nostril
      C) An agent of the Cowship Investigation Agency questioning
         you in a whining voice
      D) Torture -
         D1) Chinese Water torture   ( drip..drip...drip....)
         D2) Chinese Lemur torture   ( frink...frink...frink..)
         D3) Japanese Fish torture   ( sushi'd to death )
         D4) Japanese Geisha torture ( sashay'd to death )
      E) 1 litre of Big K Grape Soda
      F) A night watching videos with hyenas, beer'n'Cheetos
      G) Other-please specify

13) Do you own any suspiciously hi-tech devices ?

14) Do you have an irrational aversion to beef or milk ?

15) Which do you eat on Sundays ?
    A) Mom's apple pie
    B) As many twinkies as you can find, with Big K Grape soda
    C) grass - nice fresh green grass, and plenty of it
    D) Bamboo
    E) Eucalyptus leaves
    F) Other-please specify

16) In your own words, describe a Terror Cow.

+----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+
|                      | Subject marked for: Termination               |
| For Office Use Only  |                     Surveillance              |
|                      |                     Mauling by tarsier pack   |
|                      |                     Big K Grape Soda delivery |
|                      |                     .signature flaming        |
+----------------------+------------------------------------------------

--- End Questionnaire ---------8<------------------------------------

---------------

(5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?

Allan says "no."  Well, actually, he goes into more detail:

>I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that, in fact,
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>I am NOT a cow!
>
>I've even got the documentation to prove it, look, Cowship Investi-
>gation Agency ID card, driving license, bovine spongiform encephalitis
>immunization certificate...
---------------

(6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?

Several readers have: Josh Brandt, Susanna Richardson, Paul Williams, Jon
Ward, and Ben Hardy:

Joshua Brandt ([e-mail]) wrote:

>I was once chased by a group of cows, and was forced to take refuge on
>the roof of a 1940's flatbed truck. They surrounded me, while I
>cowered on the roof, but began to act nervous and finally ran away,
>leaving me in peace. I remember, as I climbed from the truck, a
>strange low "cheep" sound coming from the treetops...

Joshua also makes predictions of what an attack by the Terror Cow would
be like:

>Late at night, there will be a low knocking at your door. Thinking
>it's finally the Twinkie'n'Grape Soda delivery person, you will stride
>happily to answer it. However, once the door is opened, your doom will
>be sealed, and you will find yourself face-to-face with a hulking,
>shadowy figure, glistening with the blood of horribly crush Lemurs and
>their kind. It will wave aside its cloak, and raise up the anti-tank
>missile launcher it carries in its left hoof. With slow deliberation,
>knowing you are frozen with icy terror, it will take aim and slowly,
>oh so slowly, depress the trigger on its weapon of terror.

Susanna Richardson ([e-mail]) had a sighting that
may or may not be cowship-related:

>Well, I grew up in Wisconsin, so that's a pretty broad range to cover
>with a simple answer.  Seeing a cow on top of a granite boulder over
>twenty feet high is almost a religious experience.  Seeing the other
>cows worshipping her is also awe-inspiring. She looked much like any
>of the other Guernseys, so I couldn't tell if she was a command cow
>or not.


Paul Williams ([e-mail]), replying to an ad for a restaurant
called the "Flying Lemur," wrote:

> What I am wondering is, has anyone
>actually ever witness a flying lemur or is this just a thing
>of fantasy and legend.

Not fantasy or legend. The cowship is a reality (witness the US and
other countries' efforts to find its location). The anti-gravity flying
platforms are a reality (there is much anecdotal evidence). The lemurs
have broken into the cowship and are wreaking havoc on civilisation in
ways fearsome and mischeivous (trust me on this). Luckily they are only
interested in the food thing else you'd find them wispering in the ears
of higher political powers for nefarious and diabolic purposes.

Remember: the little beasties are *inside* the net already and the
greatest secret about them is afsdklhjKLHJASDKLBNMBNm has
XXLASKJOlsdjaiawej lassie X ka KLJAS masdk m,sfdgkjLASDF  mgfls
mFJSDKJkjfgsd   fgsdkljfsdlsdjsjjllotkjk the ability under certain
circumstances to *comletely* A sdfkhjafnASD(*&^& asd asdhafsd
anhfgdkldfgusdfghjsfdgkhjsfgdkhjfgsdkhj frink frink frink a drink
of juice ASFASD hjaskjfaouasdfklhafsdkljasdafsdhjafsdkljafsdkljafsd
sad asdjasifiakdfj0.

Also, the cows are trying to have an end to the lemurs secret lobbying
capability; to no avail. With the loss of the command ship access and
the resulting disorganisation in the herd, cows find it hard to even
discuss the problem amongst themselves, let alone find a solution.]

So, congratulations on a good choice of name. What sort of food (books)
will you be serving? Would you like to give yourself a free plug? How
about discounts for weary and hungry a.f.l. travellers? Do you serve
Twinkies(tm)?

>Steve
>The Flying Lemur
>Lakewood, Oh

Oh what? Did the Command Cow get you just as you were ending your
article?  They can track the emissions from your keyboard using special
sensors in the forward hoof, and are well aware when anyone is talking
about their mortal enemy: lemurs. I'm not worried. I live in a bunker,
100 m underground. :-)

Regards,
Paul

Jon Ward ([e-mail]) wrote:

THE COMMAND COWS ARE TAKING OVER BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY
I have not been able to post for the last week as the UseNet reader
would not allow me to. I put this down to a temporary error until I
noticed that the academic computing services here have stopped having
milk delivered.

My suspicions aroused, I started scouting of the surrounding area.
Sure enough, in the field behind the computing centre, there stood a
cow, surrounded by three other cows looking at it. It turned and
looked in my direction...I ran away, but it saw me.

Coming home last night, I found tank-track marks outside. The garden
had cloven hoof prints in the grass. I was under surveillance. My
lemur-like featues had been noted. (Hairy body, blue eyes, facial
hair, short, 13 years of National Geographics, A network addiction,
and a real Burl Ives record).

Then tonight, as  drove home, I saw the Terror Cow. It stood outside
my house, her tank nonchalenty parked on top of two minis and a
capri. Standing on her hind legs, she towered 10 feet into the air.
Her bulky flak jacket covered with pockets, each bulging with gre-
nades and mines. Both front hooves had multi-barrel missile launchers
the size of snare drums, while her chest was crossed with bandoliers.
This was not a cow to call Daisy and put a straw hat on.

And so I know I have been targeted for termination. I don't know how
long I can stay on the run. I need anti-bovine weapons fast, or I
will be found Moodered in a ditch somewhere in Selly Oak. I am Jon
Ward in Birmingham, England. Email : [e-mail]. My
address is 38 Add724ld AdiR^Rghj**

NO CARRIER.....


Ben Hardy <[e-mail]> wrote:

We now have reason to beleive the Terror Cow is resorting to
mind-control tactics. At work the other day I noticed several
workmates placidly standing in the hallway, quietly. For some reason,
their stomachs were growling rather loudly, and they were chewing
gum. Their pupils were dialated as well. At the time I passed it off
as an office joke, and didn't associate it with cows at all. Admit-
tedly it's not everyday you see seemingly normal people lurking in
corridors indulging in bovine behavior, but it wasn't particularly
disturbing until one of them began to emit an eerie mooing sound
after I returned to my office.

Fortunately, a few minutes later it was 5 pm, time to leave.  The
instinct to get out of the office overrode the Terror Cow's wiles,
and the last I saw of these people was them grazing on some trees
near the railway station... go figure!

---------------

(7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By Northwest?"

>From: North by Northwest
>Subject: Cow Offensive Warning!
>Date: 7 Apr 1993 18:35:12 GMT
>Summary: Cow invasion fleet spotted!
>Keywords: Cow Ship Key Mooser HELP!
>
>Yesterday, I tried to transmit a report, using a couple of anonymous
>remailers to thwart their intercept operators.  That attempt seems to
>have failed.  Their Universal Decrypted Data Electronic Receivers are
>obviously much more capable than we suspected.
>
>However, I seem to have eluded them for the moment.  I'm using a
>different technique -- maybe I can get thru.  Who could have suspected
>that cows were computer-literate?
>
>I got out of the lab just in time.  This thing that they're after --
>what is it?  It doesn't seem to have any controls -- nothing moves on
>it, and it seems to be all one piece.  It looks almost like a giant key
>... but what could it fit?
>
>I desperately need to contact the Prompt Response Organization for the
>Suppression of the Invasion Mooovement.  I have just realized why this
>object was delivered to the Image Processing Labs at JPL.  Not only
>have we photographed one of the cows' landing craft -- WE CAN SEE THEIR
>INVASION FLEET!
>
>The so-called Comet 1993e "Shoemaker-Levy" is a very peculiar set of
>objects in orbit around Jupiter.  We can distinguish as many as 17
>separate "nuclei" in a precise bar-like formation.  I have photographs
>of this "comet" in electronic form (GIF, JPEG) that I will try to get
>to the proper authorities.
>
>Almost simulaneously, another Kuiper-belt "asteroid" (similar to
>1992QB1) has been located.  Is this the mother ship, lurking far beyond
>Saturn?  Most horrifying of all, we have spotted a supernova! Was
>Supernova 1993J in M81 a  civilization that failed to resist the Combat
>Offensive Weapons of this invasion fleet?  Is it our turn next?
>
>If there is anyone in the Pasadena area who cavD5*{|
>N0 CARRIER

---------------

(8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?

Leigh Porter ( [e-mail]) writes:

>Hello all!!
>
>We (not a royal 'we' 'cus there really is two of us here) are proud to
>offer the UK's Lemur community a superb range of Lemur goods, direct and
>at half price from our Lemur house in the Twinkie Zone -
>
>Cow fallout shelter:-
>     This BEEF lined shelter, designed to be used underground will
>     defend any Lemur from over 5000 pats of cow activity, if you are
>     in danger from the Terror Cow, then this is for you.
>
>     Only $5,672,800,000,000
>
>- Rump steak proton guns:-
>     This new weapon will ward away any bovine creature to a safe
>     distance,  using the best Rump steak batteries, this weapon will
>     fire a continuous stream of high energy RUMP protons, harmless to
>     Lemurs but DEADLY to cows at the target.
>
>     Only $7,811,083,784
>
>CowView cow surveillance device:-
>     This small unit, capable of being hidden almost anywhere will
>     monitor all bovine activities and will send them to a suitable
>     receiver at up to 100 Kilometers away.
>
>     Only $102,984
>
>Suitable Receiver:-
>     Suitable receiver for the above item.
>
>     Only $12
>
>You may ask how we manage these WONDERFUL prices, just don't ask!

The prices sound a little steep to me, so perhaps you can bargain Leigh
down.  Offer him (and his "partners in business") some Twinkies.

---------------

(9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?

Vance Kochenderfer ([e-mail]) reports:

I have discovered an infiltration of truly massive proportions!  Look at
the name of the command interpreter for the IBM PC.  COMMAND.COM.  Flip
the M upside down, and what do you get?  COMMAND.COW!  All postings from
Microsoft and IBM should be suspect from now on...

---------------

(10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?

Brian Antoine ([e-mail]) writes:

I started reading this group just after its newgroup message came
through a few months back.  Within a short time afterwards, I
discovered that my house had become part of the weekly circuit for
the local lemur population. Ever wonder who reads the arbitron
stats?  Now, every Thursday night is poker night.  A night where I
get to supply the twinkies (used for betting) and all the Big K
they can drink.  Funny, I never seem to win any of these games,
and the rules seem to change from night to night...

Anyway, I had just gotten back from the store where I loaded up
for tonights game and was searching for some stuff in the back
room, when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen.  When I went
to check it out, I found a single lemur making a mess of my
refrigerator.  Now making a mess wasn't anything I hadn't seen
before.  You ought to try cleaning Big K off of the ceiling after
the bottle has been shaken and the top removed.

This lemur put them all to shame.  When I yelled at it to watch
where it was throwing the coldcuts, it poked it head over the door
and snarled at me wanting to know 'Where the hell is the beer?'.

The more I saw, the more I figured something was wrong.  The lemur
staring at me had a cigar stuck in its mouth and the eyes looked a
little funny.  They were different sizes and two different colors
to boot.  Whats more, as it moved I kept hearing a noises like
gears grinding.  When I wouldn't tell it where the beer was, it
returned to destroying my fridge. Enough was enough and I leaped
to try to grab it.

Now anyone can tell you that trying to grab a lemur is a hopeless
cause. If you've ever tried to get them down from where they are
hanging on the lights, you know what I mean.  This one was easy to
catch and I it began to thrash around on the floor trying to get
away, it started to leak something all over my floor.  When if
finally quit moving, my kitchen looked like someone had stuck a
firecracker in a gallon jug of milk.  Thats when I the small cable
that ran from its back, across my floor, and out the window. When
I ran to the window it was just in time to see the back door of a
U-haul van slam shut, severing the cable that ran across the lawn
and into the back end.  The funny thing was, that as it drove off
and hit one of the speed bumps outside of my apartment, the panel
on the side came loose.  I didn't get a good look, but I swear I
saw part of the logo for the local dairy.

Anyway, the whole mess is sitting in a bag and I'm going to turn
it over to the normal crew when they show up for tonights game.
This sure stinks of a new subversive attack by the cows.  I wish
they would pick someplace else for their marketing tests.  We're
still trying to round up all of the kids with extra arms growing
out of their backs from the last marketing test Burger King tried
on us.

---------------

(11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing from the
shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world
domination?

You betcha.  The lemurs know what's going on and they're on top of
things.  Rest easy.

---------------

(12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup?

Ask Tim Pierce of alt.config fame, who flamed the idea of an
alt.fan.cows into ash a few months ago.  No, anyway, it has to do
with the origins of lemur fandom at Virginia Tech.  Cow fandom
was going strong at the same time and necessarily, the two
strains got mixed somewhat prior to the emergence of lemur fandom
on the national scene.  Allan Murphy seems obsessed by the cows
enough that one day we may newgroup alt.fan.lemurs.cowship and
turn him loose there just to see what happens.

---------------

The FAQ continues with Part 5 of 7, "Lemurs and the USENET Oracle"

       --------------------------------------------------------

    Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
     Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]