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Text File
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1992-04-19
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18KB
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429 lines
IDENTIFICATION DIVISION.
PROGRAM-ID. MESSAGE-OF-THE-DAY.
AUTHOR. JEREMY C. RADWAN
INSTALLATION. UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON.
DATE-WRITTEN. NOVEMBER 15, 1991
DATE-COMPILED.
SECURITY. OPEN.
****
**** MOTD (MESSAGE OF THE DAY) V2.0
**** COPYRIGHT (C)1992 BY REALMSOFT ENTERPRISES
**** ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
****
**** A FUNNY VAX UTILITY BY JEREMY C. RADWAN (AKA WINDRACER)
**** SEND ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS TO:
****
**** AG154@CLEVELAND.FREENET.EDU OR
**** RADWANJC@UDAVXB.OCA.UDAYTON.EDU
****
**** I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF RANDOM QUOTE GENERATORS OUT THERE
**** TODAY, BUT I WANTED SOMETHING DIFFERENT. HAVING JUST TAKEN COBOL
**** HERE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DAYTON, I DECIDED TO USE THAT (AS A WAY
**** OF IMPROVING MY COBOL TECHNIQUE). WELL, THIS PROGRAM MAY NOT HAVE
**** IMPROVED MY PROGRAMMING ABILITY (IT WAS PRETTY SIMPLE, AFTER ALL),
**** BUT IT IS A COOL PROGRAM. HERE'S HOW TO "INSTALL" IT ON YOUR ACCOUNT.
**** NOTE: YOU MUST HAVE COBOL ON YOUR VAX SYSTEM FOR THIS TO WORK!
**** SIMPLY TYPE THE FOLLOWING TWO COMMANDS:
****
**** $ COBOL MOTD
**** $ LINK MOTD
****
**** YOU CAN DELETE THE MOTD.OBJ FILE THAT IS CREATED. ALL YOU NEED IS
**** THE EXECUTABLE (AND THE SOURCE CODE IF YOU WANT IT STILL). THEN, TO
**** RUN THE PROGRAM, USE THIS COMMAND:
****
**** $ RUN MOTD
****
**** OR DEFINE A COMMAND FOR IT. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DISTRIBUTE THIS
**** PROGRAM AROUND. HOWEVER, PLEASE LEAVE THE CODE, QUOTES, AND CREDITS
**** INTACT. I KNOW THERE MIGHT NOT BE A LOT OF ACTUAL CODE IN THIS PROGRAM,
**** BUT I WORKED HARD ON IT. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S
**** WORK. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, OR SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE
**** MAIL THEM TO ME AT EITHER OF THE ADDRESSES ABOVE. I LOVE GETTING MAIL,
**** SO IF YOU LIKE MY PROGRAM, TELL ME!
****
**** THANKS, AND ENJOY MOTD! JEREMY C. RADWAN, MARCH 1992
****
**** P.S. IF ANYONE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO MODIFY THIS PROGRAM TO WORK ON
**** AN MS-DOS MACHINE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!
****
ENVIRONMENT DIVISION.
CONFIGURATION SECTION.
SOURCE-COMPUTER. VAX.
OBJECT-COMPUTER. VAX.
DATA DIVISION.
FILE SECTION.
WORKING-STORAGE SECTION.
**** THIS AREA CONTAINS ANY VARIABLES NEEDED FOR PROGRAM PROCESSING
01 WORK-VARIABLES.
05 TIME-IN PIC 9(8).
05 RND-NUMBER PIC 9(2).
05 QUOTE-FOUND PIC X(3) VALUE "NO".
PROCEDURE DIVISION.
A100-MAIN-CONTROL.
**** THIS MODULE CONTROLS ALL PROCESSING.
PERFORM Z100-CLEAR.
PERFORM Z200-GET-RANDOM.
PERFORM Z300-MOTD-HEADER.
PERFORM B100-FIND-QUOTE UNTIL QUOTE-FOUND = "YES".
PERFORM Z400-MOTD-FOOTER.
STOP RUN.
B100-FIND-QUOTE.
**** THIS LARGE MODULE ANALYZES THE GENERATED RANDOM NUMBER
**** AND SELECTS AND DISPLAYS A QUOTE.
EVALUATE RND-NUMBER
WHEN "00"
DISPLAY "People ask me why I do this, and I tell them that I have the heart of a small"
DISPLAY "boy, and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
DISPLAY " - Steven King"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "01"
DISPLAY " A Smith and Wesson beats four aces."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "02"
DISPLAY " It is better to be ten minutes early, then to be ten minutes late."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "03"
DISPLAY " All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "04"
DISPLAY " Every four seconds, a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and STOP her!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "05"
DISPLAY " All programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "06"
DISPLAY "Duct tape is like the force. It has a Dark Side, and a Light Side, and it holds"
DISPLAY "the universe together."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "07"
DISPLAY " Hardware: (n) The parts of the computer that can be kicked."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "08"
DISPLAY " White giant seeking red dwarf interested in binary relationship."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "09"
DISPLAY " God is real unless declared integer."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "10"
DISPLAY " Life is but a Virtual Reality."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "11"
DISPLAY " Ankh if you love Isis."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "12"
DISPLAY " E Pluribus Unix."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "13"
DISPLAY " If at first you don't succeed, your skydiving days are over..."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "14"
DISPLAY " A nuclear war can ruin your entire day."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "15"
DISPLAY " Nuclear weapons can wipe out the entire planet...if used properly."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "16"
DISPLAY " Sure I believe in peace...peace through superior firepower."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "17"
DISPLAY " God is love."
DISPLAY " Love is blind."
DISPLAY " Ray Charles is blind."
DISPLAY " Therefore, Ray Charles is God."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "18"
DISPLAY " Your IBM compatible computer grows more incompatible with every passing second."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "19"
DISPLAY "A mind is a terrible thing to waste, so if you see one lying around, pick it up"
DISPLAY "and play with it for a while."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "20"
DISPLAY " You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "21"
DISPLAY " Computer programmers do it byte by byte!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "22"
DISPLAY " Pretend to spank me - I'm a psuedo-masochist!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "23"
DISPLAY " Is a computer language without GOTOs totally Wirth-less?"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "24"
DISPLAY " A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "25"
DISPLAY " Reality is for people who can't face science fiction."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "26"
DISPLAY " People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "27"
DISPLAY " Friction is a drag."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "28"
DISPLAY " If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "29"
DISPLAY " A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "30"
DISPLAY " Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "31"
DISPLAY " A penny saved is ridiculous. "
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "32"
DISPLAY " Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "33"
DISPLAY " Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "34"
DISPLAY " Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "35"
DISPLAY " Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "36"
DISPLAY " Entropy isn't what it used to be!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "37"
DISPLAY " Keep your mouth shut, and people will think you stupid;"
DISPLAY " Open it and you remove all doubt."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "38"
DISPLAY " Individualists unite!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "39"
DISPLAY " Disco is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "40"
DISPLAY " The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's farther away."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "41"
DISPLAY "The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the"
DISPLAY "rest is just overhead for the operating system."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "42"
DISPLAY " If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the"
DISPLAY " process of putting them in!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "43"
DISPLAY " COBOL programs are exercises in Artificial Inelegance."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "44"
DISPLAY " Clones are people two."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "45"
DISPLAY " Time is just Nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "46"
DISPLAY " There's no future in time travel."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "47"
DISPLAY " Reality does not exist - yet."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "48"
DISPLAY " Xerox never comes up with anything original."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "49"
DISPLAY " Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "50"
DISPLAY " Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "51"
DISPLAY " Part-time musicians are semiconductors."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "52"
DISPLAY " Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "53"
DISPLAY " We really don't understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "54"
DISPLAY " Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "55"
DISPLAY " Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeroes!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "56"
DISPLAY " Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "57"
DISPLAY " You can fool some of the people all of the time,"
DISPLAY " and you can fool all of the people some of the time,"
DISPLAY " but you can make a fool of yourself anytime."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "58"
DISPLAY " People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "59"
DISPLAY " There is no such thing as a 'Fail Safe' design."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "60"
DISPLAY " If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the appropriate form."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "61"
DISPLAY " Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it."
DISPLAY " Give a speculator an inch, and he'll build a condo."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "62"
DISPLAY " If God had intended man to have computers, He would have given him 16 fingers."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "63"
DISPLAY " All work and no play...will make you a manager."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "64"
DISPLAY " Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn off the lights?"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "65"
DISPLAY " The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "66"
DISPLAY " There are two ways to write error-free programs...only the third one works."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "67"
DISPLAY " If your computer speaks English, it was probably built in Japan."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "68"
DISPLAY " COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "69"
DISPLAY " Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground, and missing."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "70"
DISPLAY " Your karma just ran over my dogma."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "71"
DISPLAY " In God we trust - all others require a phase review."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "72"
DISPLAY " Philadelphia isn't dull...it just seems so because it is next to exciting"
DISPLAY " Camden, New Jersey."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "73"
DISPLAY " The reason the government thinks your just a number is because it's just a "
DISPLAY " machine."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "74"
DISPLAY " Death is Nature's way of telling you to slow down."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "75"
DISPLAY " Computers can never replace human stupidity."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "76"
DISPLAY " Immanual Kant but Kubla Kahn."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "77"
DISPLAY " Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "78"
DISPLAY " SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "79"
DISPLAY " Pain is just God's way of hurting you."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "80"
DISPLAY " The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electric cord."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "81"
DISPLAY " The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "82"
DISPLAY " Alan Luck's Axiom: When all else fails, read the documentation!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "83"
DISPLAY " Gravity doesn't exist, the Earth sucks..."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "84"
DISPLAY " Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "85"
DISPLAY " It works better if you plug it in."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "86"
DISPLAY " Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "87"
DISPLAY " Don't force it...get a large hammer."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "88"
DISPLAY " Before making a backup copy, be sure to first destroy the originals."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "89"
DISPLAY " Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he could've had a V-8."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "90"
DISPLAY " Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out, BYTE! BYTE! BYTE!"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "91"
DISPLAY " Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "92"
DISPLAY " Schizophrenia beats being alone."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "93"
DISPLAY " To err is human, to forgive is against company policy."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "94"
DISPLAY " The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "95"
DISPLAY " On a clear disk, you can seek forever..."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "96"
DISPLAY " Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "97"
DISPLAY " Going the speed of light is bad for your age."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "98"
DISPLAY " Small programs are for small minds."
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN "99"
DISPLAY " MOTD Generator - written in COBOL by Jeremy C. Radwan"
DISPLAY " RADWANJC@udavxb.oca.udayton.edu OR ag154@cleveland.freenet.edu"
MOVE "YES" TO QUOTE-FOUND
WHEN OTHER
MOVE "NO" TO QUOTE-FOUND
PERFORM Z200-GET-RANDOM
END-EVALUATE.
Z100-CLEAR.
**** THIS MODULE CLEARS THE SCREEN.
CALL "SCR$ERASE_PAGE" USING BY VALUE 1,1.
Z200-GET-RANDOM.
**** THIS MODULE GENERATES A RANDOM NUMBER BY USING THE
**** HUNDRETHS OF A SECOND (IMPORTED FROM THE SYSTEM CLOCK)
ACCEPT TIME-IN FROM TIME.
MOVE TIME-IN TO RND-NUMBER.
Z300-MOTD-HEADER.
**** DISPLAYS THE MESSAGE OF THE DAY HEADER.
DISPLAY " ".
DISPLAY " Message of the Day:".
DISPLAY " ".
Z400-MOTD-FOOTER.
DISPLAY " ".
DISPLAY " [ MOTD Generator - Copyright (c)1992 by RealmSoft Enterprises ]".
DISPLAY " ".
DISPLAY " ".