ftp.ee.pdx.edu/2014.02.ftp.ee.pdx.edu.tar/ftp.ee.pdx.edu/pub/mst3k/misties/Alien_Sex_Machines

Internet Message Format | 1994-03-10 | 10KB

From: [e-mail] (Lynsa/MrHenry)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k
Subject: Finally! MSTed: ALIEN SEX MACHINES
Date: 4 Mar 1994 00:01:27 -0600

While I wrestle with that fiendish MacPPP newsreader Nuntius (now
auditioning new newsreaders), I'm posting via the mail for a bit. I can
read the newsgroup fine, in fact, I've been reading and posting all along,
it's just that I was invisible. So thanks to everyone who replied to my
test post, apologies to those who were miffed by it (bite me!) and finally,
here is the MSTing I've been promising, "ALIEN SEX MACHINES." Read it and
weep.

Lynsa
Still working on the Stack O' Love version 2.0

******************

[SOL: Mike and the bots are listening to sitar music. Mike has a
kimono-like robe on over his jumpsuit, Servo's wearing one too; Crow is
sitting in lotus position; Gypsy's tube/neck is tied in a knot.]

<Mike> [whispering] Hi everybody, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite O' Love.
        Today I'm teaching my robot pals Gypsy, Crow T Robot and Tom Servo how
        to meditate.
<Bots>  Oohhhmmmm.....
<Mike>  [still whispering] With all the stress we're under up here, it just felt
        like a good idea to give the bots and me as many different tools to deal
        with it as possible.
<Bots>  Oohhhmmmm.....
<Mike>  Okay, everybody! I want you to stay in full lotus position until you
        attain true enlightenment! [notices Mads' light] Oh-oh, Timothy Leary
        and G Gordon Liddy are calling.

[Deep 13: Dr F is holding a remote control device; Frank is strapped into
a cross between an electric chair and a lounger.]

<Dr F>  Hello, Werner Ehrhardt! How sweet, teaching your no-neck monster robots
        the way to Nirvana.
<Frank> Nirvana? I love those guys!
<Dr F>  Shut up, Frank. Well, boobie, strangely enough, we're on the same
        wavelength. We're under a lot of stress down here in Deep 13 as
        well. So I've devised the ElectroShock-Therapy-Barcalounger as a way to
        alleviate stress. Ready, Frank?
<Frank> Ready, oh fearless leader.
<Dr F>  [cranking the remote] You see, when I push this button, thousands of
        volts of painful electricity continously zap Frank in the hinder, until
        I turn it off!
<Frank> GAAAH!

<Mike>  That's terrible!
<Crow>  How can that possibly reduce Frank's stress?

<Dr F>  FRANK'S stress? Oh, no, this alleviates *my* stress! [giggles
        maniacally] Your turn, bhagwan.

[Mike and the bots are turned away; he's obviously fixing something
around Crow and Servo's middle, and his own]

<Mike>  [over shoulder] Well, sirs, our invention is for those of us who want to
        attain true enlightenment but just don't have the flexibility.

[They all turn around to reveal fake legs already pretzeled into lotus
position attached to their waists]

<Crow>  Ta daaa!
<Mike>  We call 'em Lotus Legs.
<Tom>   Of course, you have to stand in a hole to get the proper effect, but
        it's great for impressing that cute yoga teacher while still being able
        to walk after class!
<Mike>  What do you think, sirs?

<Dr F>  I think you've been watching too many of the other guy's reruns. It's
        time to alleviate some more of my stress, Nelson, by sending you some
        pain,USEnet style. This time, it's a non-Winston post from
        alt.alien.visitors on humans having sex with everything that isn't
        nailed down.

<Mike>  Well, gee, that doesn't sound *that* bad.

<Dr F>  Eeuw! You've been up there too long. Meditate on this! Send them
        the post, Frank! [turns, sees that Frank is still convulsing in the
        chair.] Oh. [turns off ElectroShock; Frank reaches over with a
        convulsing arm and hits the button.]

BEEP...BEEP...BEEP

<All>   Augh! We've got USEnet sign!

6...5...4...3...2...1

>From: [e-mail] (Matthew Williams)
>Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
>Subject: ALIEN SEX MACHINES

<Tom>   [singing in falsetto] SEX MO-SHEEEEN!
<Mike>  [Barry White voice] Baby, oh baby, lemme be your Alien Sex Machine, ooh
        yeah baby.

>Distribution: world
>Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
>Date: 28 Jan 94 00:32:03 GMT
>Organization: Empyrion BBS - (Swansea, UK [phone])
>Lines: 43

>There is a breed of Monkey that has sex as a way of saying hello.

<Tom>   Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
        heheh...

>Dolphins get sexually excited when meeting other dolphins or even
>humans.

<Crow>  Daddy, why is Flipper rubbing up and down on my leg?
<Mike>  He's just being friendly, dear.

>Infact they are a very sexual animal. They make no bones about it!

<All>   Ahem!...hrm...mrhm...[cough, cough]

>                                                                      Much
>like your family pet dog, they get "excited", shall we say, when they see you.
>This can lead to them trying to "connect" with you if you happen to be a
>diver. They are quite capable of controlling themselves but choose to try
>and be "friendly" with you because to them it is a form of sociability!

<Mike>  I dunno if you guys should be reading this.
<Tom>   Aw, come on, Mike, it's educational.
<Mike>  Yeah, but it's like some evil gene-splicing experiment combining
the
        worst qualities of Jacques Costeau, Hugh Hefner and John_-_Winston.

>Somebody from West Wales got into trouble over this. Guess what i'm talking
>about!

<Tom>   Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, dream, dream, say no more!

>People do talk in UFO circles of Aliens having sex with us humans.

<Mike>  Mostly because people in UFO circles probably don't have sex with us
        humans.
<Crow>  Saay...weren't you the one who said we shouldn't be reading this,
        Nelson?

>You could draw a parallel and say that it is because they want to be
>sociable towards us and that sex is a universal greeting perhaps.

<Tom>   Or you could draw a parallel with college dorms and say that it's a
        meaningless and empty exchange of bodily fluids.

>Some people may find this topic of conversation totally unacceptable, and
>I in no way condone any sort of interspecies sex as I myself find it quite
>disgusting!

<Crow>  Well, you gotta wonder how he found out it was disgusting.

>I do have to say though that this topic has crossed my mind, and the idea
>that perhaps sex is one way that another species may say hello!

<Mike>  Or it could be one way that another species may say "I'm going to sue
        you for palimony."

>People can accept that a humanoid alien could have sex with humans.

<Tom>   [phone voice] This is the Operator, will you accept a person-to-person
        maul from a  humanoid alien?

>What about other types to sexual contact with things that are not quite so
>human??? What about reptoids, greys, blues??? I hate to think.

<Crow>  Well, *that's* obvious.

>Funny how people also find it so easy to shrug off the fact that they have
>been abducted by Greys and then given intercourse by Humanoids.
>A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING?

<All>   STUFFING INSTEAD OF POTATOES?!

>                               The sinister aspect lurks underneath. Who knows
>what these people were really having sex with!

<Mike>  Remember, when you have sex with an alien, you're having sex with every
        other alien that alien has had sex with.

>It could have been the BLOB!!!

<Tom>   Steve McQueen?! *Here?!*

>As this is a controversial subject I will now take a back seat

<Mike>  Funny, I thought back seats were distinctly an American sexual fixation.

>                                                               and see how
>it develops.

<Tom>   [stupid MTV cartoon voice] Huh-huh, he said "develops." huh...

>               I am also very sorry if anybody at all is offended by the
>content and suggestion of this posting. Try to keep an open mind.

<Mike>  And your legs crossed.
<Tom>   Let's go guys.

>/\/\att

1...2...3...4...5...6

[SOL Bridge: Mike, Crow and Servo are hanging out]

<Mike>  Wow, that really makes me nervous, you guys.
<Tom>   How come, Mike?
<Crow>  Yeah, you afraid some alien's gonna swoop down and give you a wedgie or
        something?
<Mike>  No, not exactly.
<Tom>   I mean, that Nuveena character didn't even take you to help set up a
        rummage sale or ask you to a weenie roast or anything.
<Mike>  [a bit wistfully] No...
<Crow>  So then what's the problem?
<Mike>  Well, it just leaves me with this lingering dread of sexual harassment
        from outer space.

[Gypsy comes up behind Mike and taps him on the shoulder; when he turns
around, she gives him a big wet kiss and leaves behind a lipstick mark
that takes up most of the side of his face.]

<Gypsy> I've always wanted to do that! [exit]
<Mike>  See what I mean?
<Tom>   Works every time!
<Mike>  What do you think, sirs?

[Deep 13: Dr F and Frank are both sitting on the ElectroShock-Therapy-
Barcalounger, languidly smoking and blowing rings up at the ceiling]

<Dr F>  Huh? Whatever. Push the button Frank.

PWOOSH!

Lynsa

Standard Disclaimer:
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations and trademarks,
are copyright 1994 Best Brains Inc. No infringement on copyrights held by
BBI, HBO, Comedy Central, Viacom, or any other entity with a legal stake
in making bucks off MST3K is implied or intended. Neither should any
personal attack against the original poster be construed. This post is
for entertainment purposes only. Hi-Keeba!

[e-mail] (Matthew Williams):
>Somebody from West Wales got into trouble over this. Guess what i'm
talking
>about!
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