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Text File | 1995-06-06 | 8KB | 169 lines

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From: [e-mail] (Dan Naab )
Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives
Subject: Prose (satire);  D&D: I WANT MY LIFE BACK
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Date: 5 Jun 1995 10:10:16 -0400
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D&D: I WANT MY LIFE BACK

The idea for this story came from a little religious pamphlet that I
got the pleasure of reading.  It was published by the Baptist church,
and was essentially stating that D&D is "SatanÆs plaything", along
with "rock paraphernalia", "witchcraft", etc. (yes, they were all
grouped together).  It was actually a story of a young girl who got
into D&D and had her soul taken away from this "evil woman in black."
 But, of course, Jesus Christ saved her, and made the commandment,
"D&D IS EVIL!"  Well, it was pretty disgusting to read (thinking that
people actually believe it), but I must admit I laughed my face off.
 This story is written in the spirit of the original, albeit changed
a lot.  The character "Priest Dousley" is based on someone we (the
authors) know;  this person is an absolutely crazy Christian fanatic.
As you read it, just remember, it's a satire; what can be called a
"punchline" is at the very end of the story.



    D & D:  I Want My Life Back

    Copyright (c) 1995 by
    Dan Naab
    Bryan Meade
    Mark Pursell

    Any unauthorized reproduction of this document, in any
    form (including electronic publication or public posting)
    is not allowed.  Please contact the authors at
    [e-mail] or [e-mail] for information
    on doing so.

    ------



    D&D:  I Want My Life Back




    My name is Clarence Clearwater.  The story I am about to tell
you may shock and disturb you.  It may even nauseate you.  But
whatever it does to you, just remember, it's all true.
    It was a humid summer night.  The first time I saw the stranger
in black was on the eve of my 17th birthday.  He had come from the
city, where evil is spawned in the shadows and feeds on humans.  This
particular fellow struck my fancy as soon as I saw him.  I don't know
what it was, but I was drawn to him as soon as I laid eyes on him.  I
realized I shouldn't be here.
    The man spoke up, "What do you want, young laddie?"  I could
tell he was Irish.
    "I'm just kickin' it, you know," I replied.
    "Young fellows like you shouldn't be wandering the streets."
    "I can take care of myself," I said.  The intrigue was very high
now.
    "You know you look like an intelligent young lad.  Would you
mind if I showed you something."  The man got up and turned his back
to me, "You're gonna love this," he said.  He fumbled with his jacket
and produced a small booklet.  "Have you ever played D&D?" the
stranger asked.
    "D&D? What is D&D?" I asked.
    The man shook his head. "Dungeons and Dragons my boy."  He took
out a board and taught me the ways of D&D.  I was there until dawn.
This was the first day of the rest of my life.
    When I saw the sun rise I knew I had to leave, but I didn't want
to.  The lure of D&D was strong.
    "You should go," the man said.  But I didn't want to.
    "Please let me stay," I begged.
    "No, no.  D&D is best played in darkness.  But you will come
back this evening alone to partake of D&D."
    I left but I didn't want to.  All the way home I looked forward
to that evening.  I was tired, but I didn't sleep.  From that point
on, I was hooked on D&D.
    The urge to destroy was hammering at my brain.  After all, I had
just spent the last five hours destroying monsters and wizards.  I
was hooked.
    I went outside my house.  I couldn't sleep I was full of
anticipation.
    The light hurt my eyes.  The moon had become my sun.  I had
become nocturnal.  Sleep called to me, so I rested in a dark alley.
    When I awoke, night had fallen.  My sun was high in the night
sky.  I began to walk the street, headed for the man in black.  When
I got there, he was sitting as he had the night before.
    "You have come, my laddie.  Now sit and partake of D&D."
    As we played the old man spoke up again, "It is destiny that you
have found me.  Now, listen to me as I show you the way.  There is an
anti-D&D rally nearby led by Priest Dousley.  Your mission is simple:
 destroy those that vindicate the spirit of D&D."
    I was stunned.  Yet the lure to follow these instructions was
high.  The thought of destroying those persecutors of D&D was
tempting.  Soon I had no doubts, and set out for the church.
    As I entered, I heard Dousley's voice.  "Beware of these evil
temptations that are so calmly called D&D.  Its lures might try to
draw you in, but you must fight.  For the devil's soul is every
present in this demons' toy."
    The anger surged through me.  I ran to the top of the altar and
pushed Dousley from it.
    "I have come with the good news," I proclaimed.  "Turn from your
religion for it teaches you to forsake D&D.  Reap of the fruits of my
teachings, and follow me to my immortal salvation."  And I took out
my board and I played D&D right there on the altar.
    The people were revolted.  An Amish man threw a pitchfork at me
and screamed.  "This is the messenger of Satan.  Let us destroy him."
    With that the Amish crowd ran to their buggies and got their
scythes.  They chased me but I had no reason to run for I was
invincible.  I heard the hollering of the Amish mob.  The hate is
this room was strong.  I fed off it.
    The first Amish man to reach me swung his scythe at my head.  He
missed me, and fell down the stairs, breaking his neck.  I picked up
the scythe, and the Amish, now aware of my powers, scattered.
    I went outside and began destroying the buggies.  I killed the
horses and set fire to the wagons.  I stood in the blazing light,
knowing my mission was complete.  But I needed more.  I looked at the
church, and knew that if it was blazing, it would be a symbol to all
D&D followers.
    Within a half hour, the church was burning, flames jumping a
hundred feet into the air.  As I stood there, I felt a hand on my
shoulder.  It was Dousley.  I was about to kill him, when he pulled a
black hood over his head.  I then realized that the mystery man in
black was Dousley.
    "Even Jesus Christ plays D&D my son," he said, and an evil laugh
spread over the blazing chapel.
    "You have done well my son.  But you haven't grasped the full
power of D&D.  To reap the full benefits of it, you must go through
three moons of training.  Come with me to my humble abode and let me
show you the path to your immortal destiny."
    I stood there looking at the man in black, knowing that I was
better than him.  I felt power surge through me.  With a powerful
swing I sent the scythe flying at his head.  I didn't want to be the
pupil, I wanted to be the master.
    But the man in black blocked the blow with his forearm, grabbed
the scythe and broke it in two.
    "So, you don't appreciate the power I can give you.  Well, maybe
you will appreciate this.  The only immortal salvation you'll have is
in the pit of fire."
    He reached into my chest, ripped out my soul and cast it
into the fiery waste land of hell.  I floated there for awhile, and
saw demons playing D&D.  I guess it really was Satan's play thing.
    Then I saw Satan himself.  Satan was playing D&D, and when I saw
his face, he looked a lot like Milton Bradley.
    "Welcome to everlasting damnation, where D&D is the supreme law
of the land.  Of course, you need an imagination to play."
    I looked at Satan and smiled.  I fell to my knees, and screamed
in pure rage.
    "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!"