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From: [e-mail] (Chris)
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Subject: STORY: Wizard of Smaug - Chapter 1
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Date: 24 Oct 1994 14:20:58 -0400
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                 The Wizard of Smaug
             Copyright Chris Norman, 1992
                 All rights reserved

                      Chapter 1

                 --------------------

    Teflour stroked his two foot long white beard
absentmindedly with his gnarled right hand.  He gazed
across the table at the boy who had come to see him.
Perrywinkle was his name, and he was here to beg for
the right of apprenticeship.  He was short, barely
five feet tall, and very skinny.  His hair was messy,
his clothes filthy, and he smelt vaguely of dung.
    "Do you know what it means to be a wizard,
Perrywinkle?" asked Teflour.  His mottled green eyes
twinkling like drool on the tongue of an alcoholic
spotting a bottle of rum.
    "Not really sir, but I thought I'd give it a shot
just the same."  Teflour nodded to himself.  The lad
was much like he has been as a boy.  The ranks of
wizardry were filled with men who weren't sure what
they were doing there.
    "Why do you want to be a wizard Perrywinkle?"
asked Teflour.  His wrinkled nose began to twitch.
He absentmindedly coughed up a ball of phlegm, and
spat it into the fireplace.  He would have to cut
down on that chewing tobacco, it would be the death
of him.
    "Well sir" said Perrywinkle, his young tanned
face taking on a look of seriousness.  "All my life
I've wanted to make something of myself.  I want to
make this land a better place.  I want to become a
magician so I can use my magic for the good of the
people, and protect the land of Smaug from its
enemies."
     "Rubbish" snapped Teflour and got slowly to his
feet.  "I haven't seen such rubbish spewed forth in
here since Mew had that hairball problem."  He paused
to affectionately kick his cat.
    <You addle-brained old rat trap> was Mew's
telepathic reply. <Can't you be more careful!>
    Teflour sighed.  People wondered why wizards
never married.  Why should they? Teflour didn't want
to be married; he already received far too much
nagging from his infernal cat.
    "It's not Rubbish sir, I really do want to help
people, really!" spoke Perrywinkle in earnest.
Teflour snarled at him.
    "Then get out!  I'll have no liars for my
apprentices, at least not one who can't even fool a
senile old wizard such as myself!  You're far too
honest boy; your lips are twitching like you've got a
scorpion in your shorts.  Now speak the truth, or
begone!"
    "Well" said Perrywinkle, slowly and reluctantly,
"actually I just want to blow things up."
    "What?" asked Teflour.  His jaw stretched in
amazement.  his eyelids snapped open like shutters.
A tear slithered out of his left eye, and bravely
dripped down the maze-like crevices of his face.
"You just want to blow things up?"
    "Yes sir" admitted Perrywinkle ashamedly.  He
gazed frantically at his worn boots.
    "Here I am," droned Teflour, "the greatest wizard
in the entire land of Smaug.  I hold interviews for
the position of apprentice, a position which I only
offer once every thirty years, and they send me a boy
who wants to blow things up?"
    "Well, yes sir" said Perrywinkle.  "I'm rather
small as you can see.  The other boys are always
beating me up, and making fun of my name, you know
how it is.  I was rather hoping to become a wizard so
I could turn them all into newts, or blast them with
gouts of flame, do you know what I mean sir?"
    "Marvelous!" said Teflour.  He laughed and
grabbed Perrywinkle's hand and pumped it frantically
up and down.  "In all my years as Court Wizard of
Smaug I have yet to have an applicant such as
yourself.  They've all been smarmy little royal
brats, or misguided do gooders.  Never has one spoken
to me with such honesty, or embraced such a noble
cause!"
    "Pardon?" asked Perrywinkle, glancing about
nervously.  His arm was growing sore from Teflour's
violent shaking.
    "I've always been rather partial to blowing
things up myself" admitted Teflour, a glazed look
crossing his eyes.  Perrywinkle looked at him
nervously, wondering if he was about to have a fit.
"Always as a child, I wanted to blow things up.
Cows, trees, rocks, salmon, you know the sort."
    "Salmon?" asked Perrywinkle somewhat confusedly.
    "Oh yes, many times I've wished to blow up a
salmon, perhaps even the Salmon, that's why I became
a wizard! But the old fool who was my master, Court
Wizard Snefleur, was one of those peaceful sorts.  He
taught me only boring spells to cure blight, and
remove the stomach ailments of sheep.  Garbunk! All a
bunch of Garbunk!"  Teflour sighed wistfully.,  "It
wasn't until I became Court Wizard, after Snefleur
finally drowned himself in his cauldron, that I was
able to learn to blow things up!"  Teflour's demented
smile curled into a mask of sorrow. "But by then, it
was too late.  You see boy, blowing things up
requires great concentration, skill, and effort.  You
need to be young and strong.  Young so that you can
fully master the great spells of blowing things up,
strong so your body can stand the stress of
unleashing such powerful magic."
    Perrywinkle looked down at his own scrawny limbs.
"I'm not exactly built like a horse sir" he said.
    "Nonsense" said Teflour.  "Compared to me you're
an Atlas.  I'm completely worn out from kicking old
Mew there!"  Mew hissed angrily at him.
    "Does this mean I've got the job then?" asked
Perrywinkle excitedly.  "I may study under you, and
master the art of wizardry?"
    "Why not? You can start tomorrow, but be careful,
wizardry is a one way street my boy: once you become
one of us, you can never return to the old ways."
    "Oh I don't want to return to the old ways sir, I
want to be a wizard!"  Teflour looked at Perrywinkle
suspiciously.  "Oh, and to blow things up of course!"
Teflour smiled.  Perrywinkle rose, bowed, and
returned home to break the good news to his father.

                         ---

    "You what?" asked Perrywinkle's father, Toluene.
Toluene was a large man, a rotund man, red faced and
rough.  His voice carried a heavy accent.  He had
never revealed its origins to his son.  Toluene never
told Perrywinkle much of anything.  "Are you daft
Perrywinkle? What did you think you were doing?
Apprentice to Teflour the wizard? Why didn't you just
sign up as a target for the King's archers?"
    "But father, pleaded Perrywinkle, "I want to be a
wizard! I don't want to be work as a dung farmer for
the rest of my life!"
    "Are you a bloody loon? Collecting dung is
honest, respectable work!"  Toluene, shook a meaty
finger in Perrywinkle's face.  "Not like wizardry.
Perrywinkle.  Perrywinkle, wizardry?  Why don't you
just become one of prince Humperdink's private
courtiers? Its a more respectable position!"
Perrywinkle shivered, rumors abounded of the
'services' prince Humperdink required of his
courtiers.
    "But father" argued Perrywinkle.  "It is a great
honor.  Only one boy in all the kingdom is chosen
every thirty years to become the Court Wizard's
apprentice!"
    "And how many others were there to apply for the
position?" asked Toluene.
    "Well, none..."
    "Exactly!  Haven't you heard what's been said of
old Teflour, Perrywinkle? He's gone soft in the head.
He's been mumbling and giggling in court lately,
talking about blowing things up.  Some say the King's
going to arrange to have him drowned in his cauldron
so Lord Bluetspur can take over!"
    Perrywinkle shivered, Lord Bluetspur was Smaug's
Associate Wizard, second only to Court Wizard
Teflour.  He had a rather nasty reputation.  Besides
being in charge of taxes, he was also rumored to be
responsible for the disappearance of several
dissidents.  Supposedly these disappearances involved
pentagrams, demons, and other such troublesome
things.
    "Well I have faith in him" lied Perrywinkle, his
lower lip twitching wildly.  "He didn't seem the
least bit senile to me!"
    "Forget the danger then, death is the least of
your worries if you become a wizard! You're a normal
young lad, aren't you?" Toluene gazed worriedly at
Perrywinkle for a moment.  "Haven't you heard of the
dreaded fourth vow of Wizardry?"
    "I've heard of the vows of Wizardry," responded
Perrywinkle, "but there are only three.  A wizard
must swear to serve the land, serve the people, serve
the king..."
    "Yes, yes, yes" said Toluene impatiently.  "Those
are the standard three vows, but there is also the
dreaded and secret fourth vow!"
    "Fourth vow?" asked Perrywinkle.  What's that."
Toluene looked around, worriedly.  When he was sure
no one could hear him, he bent over and whispered in
Perrywinkle's ear.
    "No nookey."
    "What?" asked Perrywinkle confusedly.  Toluene
looked at him as if he was insane.
    "Do I have to spell it out for you?" he asked.
Perrywinkle just stood there, confused.  "It means
that you can never take a woman."
    "Take her where?" asked Perrywinkle.
    "Come on boy, you know don't you, haven't you
ever watched the sheep?"
    "Well of course I've...oh."  Perrywinkle's face
took on the deep red shade particular to boiled
crustaceans.
    "Ah you've got it now," said his father.  "Think
carefully before you put on your pointy hat my boy.
No nookey.  Not now, not ever.  Oh those wizards are
a strange lot.  Spend most of their time looking at
pictures of naked elves I wouldn't wonder....  It's
not the life of a man Perrywinkle.  You may be
scrawny, short, and homely, but just you wait until
all this dung is yours!" He spread his arms.  "Women
will flock to you like flies to rotting meat!"
    "But father..." whined Perrywinkle, his
conviction somewhat shaken.
    "Think about it boy" said Toluene.  "You can go
hang around a bunch of senile old men dressed in
strange hats and long robes, or you can stay here and
live a happy prosperous life selling dung!"
    "Dung..." mumbled Perrywinkle.  He hated Dung.
"I don't care!" he yelled.  He reached over and poked
Toluene's ample stomach.  "I'm going to be a wizard,
and not all the dung in the world is going to keep me
here! Damn you! And damn your dung too!"
    "What..." whispered Toluene in shock.  He was
overcome with surprise, frozen in place.  Perrywinkle
had always been such a quiet, snivelling, weak boy.
Where had this new strength come from? What possibly
could have inspired Perrywinkle to develop a
backbone? Show some gumption? Toluene smiled, there
was only one thing to do.  He reached out his hands,
grabbed Perrywinkle by the neck, and began to
throttle him.  "Don't let me ever hear you speak
badly of dung! Dung is what bought you those clothes!
Dung is what keeps you fed at night! All you have and
all you are you owe to dung!"
    "I'm sorry father" squeaked Perrywinkle "I didn't
mean to damn your dung."  Toluene stopped his
throttling, but his hands remained firmly clasped on
Perrywinkle's neck.
    I wonder what he'd look like as a newt, thought
Perrywinkle.
    "Now Perrywinkle," said Toluene kindly, "I want
to hear you tell me something.  "I want to hear you
say 'I don't want to be a wizard. I want to sell dung
just like my dear old dad.'  Say it quick, or I might
just have to snap your neck."
    "I don't want to be a wizard. I want to sell dung
like my dear old dad" lied Perrywinkle quickly.  His
lip twitched violently.  Luckily his father was too
enraged to notice, or didn't care.
    "Good boy" said Toluene, somewhat calmed and
relieved.  He dropped Perrywinkle to the floor with a
loud thump.  "Now go out and see to the dung.  Oltack
the goose breeder has just dropped off a large
shipment." Perrywinkle shivered, he hated goose dung.
He hated all dung, but he really hated goose dung.
    "Yes father" he said, and dutifully left.  He
didn't go around to the front though.  He didn't
unload old Oltack's dung.  Instead he made the most
important decision of his life -- he decided to run
away from home.
    Scurrying off to his little loft in the barn,
right over the sheep dung area, Perrywinkle quickly
made himself a bundle of his least dung stained
clothing.  Packing only such essentials as a change
of underwear, and Baa Baa his stuffed sheep, he was
soon ready to leave.  As he proudly snuck out the
back gate, he swore he would never return.
    A few minutes later he decided he would return,
when he was a wizard, so he could blow the place up.

-----------------------------------------------------
                 The Wizard of Smaug
             Copyright Chris Norman, 1992
                 All rights reserved

All comments welcome.  All rights reserved.  Permission
given to make copies for personal use only.  No other
distribution or replication in any form allowed without
explicit permission of the author.

--
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