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1992-10-20
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From: yshah@lucpul.it.luc.edu (Guessing)
Subject: Reworked BA Quotes List *LONG* 2/4
[*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*][*]
[ BlackAdder Series 2 ]
Black Adder II (Edmund BA is a Lord in Queens Elizabeth's court.) 1986
1. Bells
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Kate : Kate called Bob (Gabrielle Glaister)
LF : Lord FlashHeart (Rik Mayall)
Q : Queeny
N : Nursey
KF : Kates Father
Hag : Old Hag
Edmund falls in love with his new man-servant, who is really a girl in
disguise. Lord Flashheart turns up to spoil the wedding.
o EB : "What is your name, boy ?"
Boy: "Kate."
EB : "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
Boy: "It's short for ... Bob."
o LF(about kate): "She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the
taste of a man's tonsils."
o EB: "Bangs like a privvy door when the plague's in town."
o B : "But I've been in your service since I was two & a half!"
EB: "Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you!"
o Kate: "What think you, my lord, of love?"
EB : "You mean rumpy-pumpy?"
o B: "Don't worry, Bob. He used to try & kill me, too."
o EB: "For as we all know, God made man in his own image. It'd be a sad
lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything
like you, Baldrick."
o LF: (to Baldrick) "Thanks, bridesmaid! Like the beard! Gives me
something to hang on to!"
o Q to EB: "Because if it wasn't I'd have to chop it off and that wouldn't
be very nice would it, I mean, imagine the mess when she got a
cold! Yuck!!"
o EB: "Flash where have you been?"
LF: "Where haven't I been, wooow!!"
o LF: "I have a plan, and it's as hot as my pants, woow!!"
o LF: "Nursey, I like it firm and fruity"
o KF: "Why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying
here on your back?"
o Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a
woman. Second...she is..."
EB : "Wise?"
Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
EB : "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a
minute if you don't become more helpful."
o LF: "Nursie, am I glad to see you or did someone put a canoe in my
pocket."
2. Head
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N : Nursey
M : Lord Melchett
P : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL : Ploppy The Jailer
MP : Mistress Ploppy
Edmund is appointed Head Executioner and accidentally executes the wrong
man, which causes a slight problem when his wife is given permission by
the Queen to see him.
o EB: "Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we? This is called adding.
If I have two beans, & then I add two more beans, what do I have?"
B : "Some beans."
EB: "Yes...& no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add
two more beans. What does that make?"
B : "A very small casserole."
EB: "Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try
again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?"
B : "Three."
EB: "What?"
B : "And that one."
EB: "Three...& that one. So if I add that one to the three, what will I
have?"
B : "Some beans."
EB: "Yes. To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just
happened to other people, wasn't it?"
o EB: "No, that's what *I* think. Look, do try & have an original thought
of your own, Baldrick. Thinking is so important. Now, what do *you*
think?"
B : "I think thinking is so important, my lord."
o EB: "Birdbrain and birdneck, should get on like a house on fire!"
- Edmund talking about Percy and Baldrick
o EB: "Maybe to another plate swallowing bird"
- Talking to Precy, when he is wearing a new ruff (sp?) and thinks
he's attractive
o EB: "But beneath is boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless,
sadistic maniac"
- EB talking to the "executioning crew"
o EB: "Milady, you wished to see me?"
Q : "Yes, Edmund. Lord Melchett has bad news."
EB: "Lord Melchett *is* bad news, Ma'am."
o EB: "And in Genoa, it is the custom to stand with one foot in a bucket,
pin a live frog to one's shoulder braid, and go 'Bibble' and
passers-by."
o P : "Fashion today *is* towards the tiny."
EB: "Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in
London."
o EB: "I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid it would fall off."
- To Ploppy
o P : "You know perfectly well Mrs Miggins is bedridden from the nose down.
And besides, she is honoring the occasion in her own special way by
baking a commemorative pie in the shape of an enormous pie!"
EB: "What an imagination that woman has."
3. Potato
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N : Nursey
M : Lord Melchett
P : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
WR : Walter Raleigh (Simon Jones)
RR : Captain Redbeard Rum
Sir Walter Raleigh returns from exploring the New World. Edmund decides
to do some exploring to impress the Queen with the aid of Capt. Rum.
o EB: "So you don't know the way to France either - bugger."
- to Captain Redbeard Rum
o EB: "Bloody potatoes. Next thing you know, they'll be eating them."
o WR: "Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head
bleed."
EB: "So some sort of hat is probably in order?"
o Percy: "Oh, yes, I touched her once."
EB: "You touched her where?"
Percy: "In the corridor."
EB: "I've never heard it called that before."
o EB: "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
WR: "Well, if I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old Sea Dog."
EB: "Ah yes, where is the Old Sea Dog?"
WR: "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."
o RR: "Arrrr, you have a woman's hands, my lord!"
- to EB
o EB: "Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a...git!"
- to RR
o P : "Don't despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life
that his friends might live."
EB: "And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes."
- To Nursey about RR
o EB: "Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate
second course."
- to Nursey about RR
o LM: "Lord Blackadder. Our foremost cartographers have given us a
map of the area you'll be traversing."
EB: "But it's blank!"
LM: "Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go."
o EB: "I thought it was common maritime practise to have a crew."
RR: "Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord. All the other
captains say it is. I say it isn't."
4. Money
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N : Nursey
M : Lord Melchett
P : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
BB : Bishop of Bath & Wells (Ronald Lacey)
MP : Mr. Pants (Barry Craine)
The Bishop of Bath & Wells arrives to collect on a debt that Edmund owes.
o B : "Lord Melchett is very ill. Apparently he's at death's door."
EB: "Ahh, well, then, my faithful reinstated family retainer, let's go
open it for him, shall we?"
o EB: "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own
satanic herd!"
o EB: "A chat with you and death loses its sting."
o EB: "You're a one, aren't you? When you should be whispering sweet
conversational nothings like 'Goodness me, something twice the size
of the Royal Barge has just hove into view between the sheets!' you
say nothing; but enter the creature from the Black Latrine and you
can't keep your mouth shut."
o EB: "Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,
Percy?"
P : "Perhaps, my lord."
EB: "That you, Percy, are an utter berk."
o EB: "It was terrific, madam. I thank God I wore my corset because I
think my sides have split."
o MP: "You've really got your banter worked out, haven't you?"
EB: "No, this is a new thing. It's spontaneous & it's called wit."
o EB: "I only did not laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head
might have fallen off."
o EB: "Here is a pouch of money, which I'm not going to give to you."
- to Old Hag
o EB: "Ah ah, not so fast. No that it would make any difference. We have the
preliminary scetches..."
- to the Bishop, after showing him the incriminating painting
? o BB: "You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt & foul-minded
perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?"
? o BB: "Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted
men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the
church?"
- The baby eating Bishop of Barton Wells, after seeing the portrait,
o EB: "Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest
living comedian!"
o EB: "The grave opens up before me like a...big hole in the ground."
o EB: "It's green."
P : "Yes, my lord!"
EB: "Percy, the colour of gold, is gold. Whatever you have discovered
if it has a name would be called green."
P : "Oh Edmund can it be true, that I hold in my mortal hands a nugget
of purest GREEN??
- Percy after discovering the secret of alchemy
o B : "Wot, have you got a plan, my lord?"
EB: "Yes, I have. And it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!"
o EB: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since
departed, hasn't he, Percy?"
o P : "But aren't they the most fanatical puritians in all of England?"
EB: "Yes, But they have one redeeming feature. Their wallets. As
capacious as an elephants scrotum, and about as difficult to get your
hands on."
o EB: "Baldric, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder
wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."
o BB: "Bend over Blackadder it's poker time"
5. Beer
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N : Nursey
LM : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
LW : Lady Whiteadder (Miriam Margolyes)
SP : Simon Partridge (Hugh Laurie)
FF : Freddie Frobisher
Edmund has his Aunt and Uncle Whiteadder over for dinner,as well as hosting
a drinking party at the same time.
o (Baldrick enters, carrying the front door)
EB: "Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give
phenomenally good."
B : "You said, 'Get the door."
EB: "Not good enough. You're fired."
B : "But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!"
EB: "So has syphilis. Now get out!"
o EB: "Ah! God pats me on the head & says, 'Good boy, Edmund!'"
o LM: "You twist & turn like a...twisty, turny thing."
o LW: "I hope you did not invite anyone else. For where there are others,
there are people to fornicate with!"
EB: "Well, I'll just go tell them to...fornicate off."
o B: "That's very ironic, because I have a thingy that's shaped like a
turnip."
o LW: "Don't call me 'aunt'! For aunts are relatives & relatives are
evidence of sex! And sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner
table!"
EB: "Or indeed any table."
P : "Except perhaps a table in a brothel."
o SP: "'Stuck in.' Waaay-hey! Get it? Sounds a bit *rude*, doesn't it?"
o LW: "Edmund! Explain yourself!"
EB: "I can't. Not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see,
Auntie."
o LM: "What I drunk last night, would have floored a rhinoscerous."
EB: "Yes, if it was allergic to lemonade."
o FF: "BUM! Get it? Sounds a bit like...bum really"
o EB: "Percy, the devil farts in my face once more."
o Q : "I may have the body of a weak & feeble woman, but I have the heart &
stomach of a concrete elephant."
o P : "You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
- to EB's religios Uncle Whiteadder
6. Chains
EB : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N : Nursey
LM : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL : Prince Ludwig (Hugh Laurie)
Edmund and Melchett are kidnapped by a German who plans to overthrow
England's Queen.
o Queenie : "Lord Percy, either you can Shut Up, Or you can have your head
cut off."
Percy: <Thinks>
Percy: <Thinks>
Percy: <Thinks>
Percy: "I'll shut up."
o EB: "Baaaaaa."
- EB to Melchie
o Q : "And what did you say to him?"
EB: "Say, madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights & jumped
out the privy window."
Q : "Oh, Edmund! You're so naughty!"
EB: "Well, I try, madam. And then ten minutes later when I've got my
breath back, I try again."
o EB: "Oh, God! God! What on earth was I drinking last night? My head
feels like there's a Frenchman living in it!"
o LM: "As private parts to the gods are we: they play with us for their
sport!"
o PL: "I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you?"
EB: "It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
inconweenience me!"
o PL: "You think yourself amusing, Blackadder."
EB: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
o Q : "Then he's vanished. Completely vanished."
P : "Like an old oak table."
Q : "'Vanished,' Lord Percy, not 'varnished.'"
o EB: "You don't mean...?"
PL: "Yes! *I* was the waitress."
o LM: "Blackadder! What are you saying?? What of loyalty, honour,
self-respect?"
EB: "What of 'em?"
LM: "...Nothing."
o EB: "Madam, without you, life is like a broken pencil."
Q : "Explain."
EB: "Pointless."
o Q : "Many apil-ogies for the in-con-wien-ience".
- Queenie reading Price Ludwig's letter
o Q : "..I have decided to spend the money on... A Big Party,
Can't decide between between my two faves, so I've decided
to keep the money and spend it all on a Big Splash Up.
Hope you arn't too miffed. By-eee"
o Q : "What you, Shorty greasy spot, spot"
- The Queen to Prince Ludwig
o LM: "I'll never see England again,
Her rolling hills, her swooping swallows..."
EB: "Her playful sheep.."
o Q: "Everything is still the same. Lord Percy is still unemployed, your
animal is still not housetrained, and nursie here is still a few
sticks short of a bundle"
o PL: "So Lord Melchit. We meet again."
LM: "No, I don't recall."
PL: "Remember that lonely sheppard you used to sit with."
LM: "No you're not.."
PL: "Yes Lord Melchit. I. I was flossey. BAAAAAA."
o German Guards: Further insulting guestures to the prisoners. (Guards
place hands on hips and thrust them forward. Melchie and
BA kick or punch guards in groin. Guards collapse.)
EB: "Trust me to get the hard one."
o EB: "Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."
"If I admit that I'm in love with..."
<guard shakes his head."
"No??"
<guard does a half somersault>
"Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his
little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument
resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that
out, and roast them over a large fire.
Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan
and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of
warm marmalade..
<pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation>
AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind
of gardening tool.
Well in that case, I love Satan....
<guard produces a scythe>
Oh, it's a scythe....."
o LM: "Some pleasant word game perhaps?"
EB: "OK make a sentence from these words, face sodding your shut"
============================= NEED HELP PLACING THESE ======================
o EB: "So what you are saying, Percy, is something you have never
seen is slightly less blue than something else . . that you
have never seen?"
o EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?
B: "To catch mice, my lord. I lie on the ground with my mouth open
and hope they scurry in."
EB: "Do they?"
B: "Not yet, my lord."
EB: "I am not surprised. Your breath comes straight from Satan's
bottom."
<Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose>
EB: "Why?"
B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord. I thought I'd try cat
instead."
o EB: "It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and
intelligent company, so by learned discourse he may rise above
the savage and closer to God"
P : "Yes, I've heard that"
EB: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total
dickhead, to remind me I'm best"
o "Not _the_ Jane Harrington? Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin'
Harrington?" ...bangs like a privy door when the plague's in town?"
- EB to Percy, BA2
o Percy: "I use to dream of being an actor in my youth. They did call me the
man of a thousand faces."
EB: "So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now?"
- BA2
o "Why don't you take a holiday Baldrick .... did you enjoy it?"
- BA2 ?
o "Don't worry, you'll get over her. I did, and so did Baldric."
- EB to Percy, when he discovers a new love, BA2
o "I'm afraid that might not be far enough. Apparently the head Mongol
and the Duke are good friends. They were at Eaton together."
- Blackadder to the Prince trying to escape the Dukes wrath, BA2
o Baldrick: (after being shot in the groin with an arrow). "I shall call it
my lucky willie. Years from now I shall take it out and show
my grandchildren.
EB: "I think grandchildren are out of the question Baldrick."
- BA2
o EB: "I've got a problem with my manservant."
Doctor: "Well, just pop it on the table and we'll have a look at it."
- BA2