ftp.ee.pdx.edu/2014.02.ftp.ee.pdx.edu.tar/ftp.ee.pdx.edu/pub/blackadder/black.adder.ii/chains

Internet Message Format | 1993-10-18 | 28KB

From: [e-mail] (Ron O'Dell)
Subject: BA2 Chains

[revision 17 July 1993]

------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLACK ADDER II - Episode 6 - CHAINS
By Richard Curtis and Ben Elton
------------------------------------

E: Edmund Blackadder
M: Lord Melchett
Q: Queen Elizabeth I
N: Nursie
B: Baldrick
P: Lord Percy
G(2): German guard(s)
T: Spanish Torturer
L: Prince Ludwig the Indestructible


The Queen's Chamber

E: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted
   strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own
   fornication!

Q: ...and what did you say to *him*?

E: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the
   privy window.

Q: Oh, Edmund! You're so naughty!

E: Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back,
   I try again...  (sticks his tongue out of his grinning mouth)

M: Perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.

Q: Oh, must we?

M: I fear so, Ma'am. It's a tragic case -- my old tutor, Lord Forest. His son
   has been kidnapped, and he begs you to help pay the ransom.

Q: Edmund, what would you say?

E: Well, as you know, Madam, I've had experince of this dreadful situation.
   Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my
   Uncle Ozrick.

M: Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

E: Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to
   her.

Q: Which was?

E: `Get stuffed.'

M: Blackadder, you would jest over a young man's life?

E: For `young man' read `young idiot'. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some
   mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say, `Excuse me Meester,'
   and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.
   (leaves)

In the Corridor

B: Oh, hallo, you're in good fooling this morning.

E: Thank you, Baldrick.

B: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...

E: Oh, good. (leaves)

(Edmund comes out of the next set of doors and meets a pair of German guards)

G: Excuse me, Meister...

E: Yes, what is it?

(G motions Edmund to G2. Edmund leans over to hear what G2 has to say.
 G2 points to the back of Edmund's head, where G hits Edmund over the
 head with a big stick)

E: I said `What is it?' -- not `Hit me hard on the head wi--' (collapses)


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: You know, Melchy, I've completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke.
   I mean, he's obviously very stupid, but we can't go around punishing
   people for that, can we?

M: Certainly not, Ma'am.

Q: No -- if we went around punishing people for being stupid, Nursie would
   have been in prison all her life.

M: A very piquant observation, Majesty.

Q: So I *will* sign this ransom, but it must be the last. (as she writes the
   order) Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart
   and hope to die.

M: Surely not `hope to die', Majesty.

Q: Er, oh, alright, I'll cross that out... Er, here you are. Sorry about the
   smudge.

M: Thank you, Ma'am. (leaves)

In the Corridor

G: Excuse me, Meister...

M: Yes?

(G motions Melchett to G2. Melchett leans to G2. G2 points. G hits.)


In a Prison

(Edmund wakes up; Melchett is with him. They are tied back-to-back.)

E: Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels
   like there's a Frenchman living in it. (looks around) Where am I?

M: (groans) Ooohhhh...

E: Who's there?

M: It is I: Melchett.

E: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know.
   It's a real mess!

M: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!

E: Oh, God... How incredibly embarrassing!

M: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

(insane laughter of Spanish Torturer)

E: (as though he's about to meet someone stupid) Oh, God, who's that?

T: (leans to Melchett, says something in Spanish)

E: Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it's
   going to be me, alright? Tell him, Melchy.

M: Certainly.  (points behind him, to Edmund, as he and Edmund wiggle around
   so Edmund faces T)  Parlo con lui -- no mio (something) -- parlo con lui.

T: Ah, bueno. (looks at Edmund) El Je'fe! (Says same thing he said to
    Melchett)

E: Ah, that's better. (pause) Now, what's he saying?

M: He says he would like a word with you.

E: Uh huh. Anything else?

M: Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.


Later.  Edmund, in a small box with his head, arms and legs sticking out
(legs shackeled as well), is alone in the prison with T.  T is turning
a key in the box presumably to move spikes into Edmund's body.

E: Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the
   Spanish Inquisition?

T: Te gusta, la (??) de la Inquisicion!

E: (not understanding a word)  Good... Because, if I am, I wish to make it
   quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely *anything*.

T: Habla puer(??)

E: No speako dago. I demand to see the British ambassador, *understand*?

T: (winding some more) Necesito silencio para comesa.

E: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak English?

T: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!

E: Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected
   Indo-European language derived from dialects of....


In the corridor outside Queen's Chamber

(Queenie and Percy are playing frisbee)

P: (catches, holds the disc up triumphantly) How's that!

Q: Percy, who's Queen?

P: (drops disc) Whoops! Butterfingers!

Q: Ah, so I win again.

P: Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!

(They enter the throne room. Nursie is feeding Baldrick by hand.)

Q: There's definitely been no sign of Edmund.

P: I fear not, Ma'am.

Q: Why (??) he vanished? Simply vanished...

P: Like an old oak table...

Q: *Vanished*, Lord Percy -- not *varnished*.

P: Forgive me, My Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely
   vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great Stepney fire. And on that
   same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely
   vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.

Q: Lord Percy?

P: Yes?

Q: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

P: (squints, thinks very long and hard about it) I'll shut up.


In the Prison

(Edmund and Torturer play charades in an attempt to communicate)

T: Bastardo!

E: Baa-taar-do...  Barrister.

T: Bastardo!

E: Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. *I'm* embarrassing.

(T clenches his fist, and curls his left arm underneath his right, and
 points it straight up in a familiar gesture.)

E: Er, er, rogering!

(T makes a very-fat gesture over his abomen.)

E: Er, pregnant!

(T acts like he's cradling a baby, and makes little baby noises.)

E: Baby! Baby!

(T acts like he has tossed the baby.)

E: Bathwater!

(T shakes his head, then holds his ear.)

E: Sounds like... oh! `Bastard'!

T: (excited at Edmund's correct guess) Si'! Si'!! No este terminado. Hijo.
    Hijo!

E: (not knowing that `hijo' is a word, guesses by the sound of it) Donkey.

(T shakes his head, puts his head in his hand.)

T: (holds his hand horzontally above his head) Padre.

E: Big bastard...

T: (lowers the hand to a very short height) Hijo.

E: Little bastard.

T: (walking masculinely, speaks deeply) Padre...

E: Man...

T: (bends his knees as he walks and makes baby-like noises again) Hijo.

E: Boy.  Man, father... Oh! `Son'! I'm a bastard's son.

T: (gets on his hands and knees) Perra! (pants)

E: Thirsty... Thirsty bastard.

(T barks)

E: Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, `dog'! Dog. Right, dog.

(T, on his knees, moves his hands to indicate breasts.)

E: Woman.

(T goes back on his hands and knees.)

E: Dog.

(T does the breast gesture again.)

E: Woman, dog...*bitch*! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!

T: Si'!!! Si'!!! (shakes Edmund's hand)

E: In that case, you are a fornicating babboon.

T: Que?

E: Oh dear. Er, *you*...

T: (points to Edmund) Tu? (sees Edmund is pointing at him, so he points
    at himself) Yo...

E: You, er, fornicating... Yes... I can't really do it in this box...


Later...

T: ...tus testiculos.

E: My, um, ah yes, those, yes...

T: ...sobre un fuego grande.

E: ...over a large...

T: Fuego, fuego. (makes fire motion with his hands, then blows on the tips
    of his fingers)

E: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um...if I admit that I'm in love--

T: (interjects) No! No! (rolls onto his back)

E: Sorry -- head-over-heels in love -- (T makes various motions to indicate
   each thing) with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my
   testicles with a blunt instrument--

T: Una (polan~a?), una polan~a.

E: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite (obscured by
   laughter). Um, and roast them over a large fire.

T: Si', si'.

E: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and...and...all his...
   his little wizards, (T again is making appropriate gestures for each item)
   you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.

T: (holds his hands out, expecting more) ...*y*...

E: *And* remove my testicles with a blunt...oh I see. Well, well, in that case,
   I love Satan.

T: (excited) Ohh ho ho! (produces instrument)

E: Oh, it's a *scythe*...


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: Oh, I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

P: (with a finger to his temple as though he's being psychic)
   Perhaps...they're not...hiding...at all! Perhaps...they've been...
   kidnapped!

Q: Nonsense! ...what Edmund said: `Only real idiots get kidnapped'.

P: (frightened) Do they?! (looks around nervously for kidnappers)


In the Prison

(T is holding his scythe, ready to have a go at Edmund. Prince Ludwig
 enters, shouts `Stop!' and whips T down, who screams a bit and remains
 cowering.)

L: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
   Please accept my appoloaggies.

E: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

L: I hope this scum (T burbles a bit) has not inconweenienced you.

E: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience
   *me*.

L: Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

E: Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue
   with which to make such an offer.

L: Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which
   to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell
   me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with
   which to offer you his tongue.

E: Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

L: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

E: I don't believe I had the pleasure.

L: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by
   another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler
   called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game
   at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

E: My God!

L: Yes! I was the waitress.

E: (shocked) I don't believe it! *You*? Big Sally?

L: (falsetto) `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

E: ...but I went to bed with you, didn't I?

L: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

E: Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

L: Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy...

E: Yes, alright, alright (obscured by laughter). Now, would you mind--

L: (again falsetto) `Such a disappointment for a girl...'

E: Yes, alright, you've had your little joke.

L: `It really doesn't matter -- we'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look
   through these naughty parchments.'

E: Oh, yes, we *are* proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just
   because we can say `Zur' instead of `Sir', (??) sense at all social
   gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

L: (angered, shouts) Be quiet!

E: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I
   wonder...  Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glaswegian, no doubt.  An hilarious
   black man: `See you, Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon'. (obscured by
   laughter) I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little
   croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but he's such a scream. And
   most of all, I like the one you do all the time, that fatheaded German
   chamberpot standing in front of me.

L: You know, you talk too much, Blackadder. I think it's a case of werbal
   diarrhoea that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you that I have
   given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she
   pays up, you die. Howwibly.

E: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

L: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

E: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

L: You know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the
   mood for being amusing.

E: At least when I *am* in the mood, I *can* be amusing.

L: Then choose your next witticism carefully, Herr Blackadder; it may be
   your last.  Guards, fetch his friend.

Gs: (enter with Melchett) Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

M: (crying, expecting to be thrown into a very deep pit)
   Oh no, please! (they throw him down) oooohhh! (he lands on the lower
   level, about three feet below, and looks rather surprised)

L: Lord Melchett, we meet again.

M: No, I don't think we've had the pleasure...

L: You do not recognise me, then?

M: No...

L: Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall; at the
   monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.

M: Good Lord! Dimkins?

L: Yes! I was one of his sheep.

M: One of his sheep?  Not...?

L: Yes!

M: Flossy?

L: Yes!

M: But didn't we...?  (waves his hands in an exchanging fashion)

L: Yes, Lord Melchett! BBBAAAAA!

M: Oh my God!

L: But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an
   interesting document in your clothing.

M: Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.

L: The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom, `But it must be the
   last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my
   heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.' She has a
   difficult choice in front of her, has she not?

E: Not really. Bad luck, Melchers. Still... Life -- huh! -- overrated,
   I reckon.

L: Yes, gentlemen. Well, if you excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots
   don't just make themselves you know. (exits laughing, the guards join
   in)


In the Queen's Chamber

P: (reading a note from Ludwig; oddly, as he reads it, he has an accent like
    Ludwig's)
      Dear Qveen,
      I, evil Prince Ludvig the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you
      must shoose between zem. The ransom is one million crona. Many many
      appoloaggies for the inconweenience.

Q: Oh, my goodness! What a difficult choice!

N: But it isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make, my little
   tadpole.

Q: No, that's true.

N: In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have Nursie
   Milk or Moo Cow Milk? Of course, it was always Nursie milk, ha-ha.
   But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it
   was always both breasty-dumplings, ha-ha. Aah, but then which one first?

Q: Shut up, Nursie! Ahh, this is very confusing. Lord Percy, play a while
   to calm my spirits.

P: (holding a lute) Certainly, Ma'am.  (gives the lute to Baldrick)
   Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. Ah-ha, you're it! Ring-a-ring o'
   rosey, all fall down.  (appropriate movements accompany all those)

(Queen is speechless; shakes her head.)


In the Prison

M: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

E: That all depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.

M: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

E: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding,
   your, shut.

M: For God's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the
   terrible fate that awaits us!!

E: Awaits you, Melchy -- not me. How's my beard looking?

M: Alas! Shall I ever see England more? Her rolling fields, Her swooping
   swallows...

E: ...and Her playful sheep.

(enter Ludwig)

E: Ah, about time, too!

L: Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

E: Well, thank God; I'm sick of this place. The conditions are just
   disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison in here!

L: I shall read it to you.

E: Ah, typical master criminal -- loves the sound of his own voice...

L: After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to extend
   the ransom money on....

(cut to Queen writing this very letter)

Q: ...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've
   decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both
   of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!

(cut to prison)

E: WHAT?!

L: `Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!' Well, as you can imagine, my
   friends, this makes me very unhappy.

E: (sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry.

L: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to
   your queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

E: Are you suggesting we betray her?

L: Oh yes.

E: Alright.

M: Blackadder! What are you saying? What of loyalty? honour? self-respect?

E: What of them?

M: Nothing...

L: So you will both play ball?

M & E: Yep.

L: Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible
   English knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips, hmm?

E: Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Ludwig -- shove it. Now, do you want to
   know how to get to the Queen or not?

L: Yes, I thought some kind of disguise. You know, I do a very good Mary,
   Queen of Scots. (turns away, rustles his hair, raises his shoulders and
   turns back to them, speaking in falsetto very thick Scottish dialect
   (actually this voice is not that of the actor, but is a woman's voice))
   `Hoots, mon! Whar's me heid?'


In the Queen's Chamber (Baldrick is eating from a dog dish that Queen holds.)

Q: What sort of party should it be?

P: Oh, fancy dress. I love fancy dress.

Q: Nursie?

N: I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with
   nothing on at all.

Q: Shut up, then. (to Percy) I agree with you, Acting Lord Chamberlain.
   If we're really to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun
   as possible. And what can be more fun than a party where people come
   dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns?

N: ...and bits of wood!

Q: You're not going to come as a bit of wood.

N: Aren't I?

Q: No!

N: Ah. Well, how about a pencil, then? Should I come as a pencil?

Q: Don't be silly, Nursie. You always talk like this and you always end
   up coming as the same thing.

N: Do I?

Q: Yes, you know-- of co-- everybo-- (gives up. addresses Baldrick) Lassie,
   what does Nursie always come to fancy-dress parties dressed as?

B: I thought everybody knew.

Q: Yes -- everybody, apparently, except Nursie.  Tell her.

B: She always comes as a cow.

N: Yes, that's right! A lovely lovely cow with great big lovely udders.
   I swiggle around going `Mmmoooooo! Come to Nursie Cow, you lovely
   little heifers!' (Percy doesn't find this very appealing)
   Oh yes! What fun! Oh, I want to be a cow again, please?

Q: Shut up. (to Percy) Isn't Nursie stupid?

P: She certainly is, Ma'am. (forced laugh)

Q: You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten about
   those chaps in prison, haven't we?  (spoken in a tone with which -- and she
   looks around like -- no one should dare disagree)

P: (gets a joke in his head; seems rather pleased; puts on a fake curious face)
   What chaps?

all: Pbbbbffffff!!!!!!!


In the Prison

(Guards enter with Ludwig)

Gs: Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

L: My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will eventually
   die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your
   needs.

E: Thank you for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.

L: With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and
   country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World!
   (turns to leave, laughing maniacally)

E: Yes, er, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go...

L: What?

E: Were you ever bullied at school?

L: (a bit defensive) What do you mean?

E: Well, all this ranting and raving about power -- there must be some reason
   for it.

L: Nonsense! No, er, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of
   maturity!

E: I thought so... and I'll bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to
   your final year!  (the guards look at each other for a moment in reaction)

L: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call
   me Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot again!  (the guards again look up a bit
   surprised at this news. Ludwig and guards leave)

E: Touched a nerve there, I think...

M: What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?

E: Nah, don't worry, I've got a plan.

M: Really?

E: Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should no trouble overcoming the guards.
   Germans are sticklers for efficiency and I've been watching their routine.
   I've selected the moment when they're at their most vulnerable. That is
   when we will attack them.

M: Brilliant! How?

E: That is the most cunning bit... (sticks his tongue out slyly)


Later

(Guards approach)

Gs: (in background) Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

E: Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most *vulner-
   able*.

Gs: Ein, zwei...Halt! Jingle the keys: (keys jingle) Open the door!
    (door opens) Greetings to the prisoners: (they take one step in, and
    wave) Guten abend, Englander-scum! March to the table: Ein
    zwei, ein zwei, ein zwei...Halt! Food on the table: ein zwei! (they
    put down a loaf of bread and a sausage). Spit on the food: ein zwei!
    Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein zwei, ein zwei! (they
    do pelvic thrusts)

E: Now! (E & M hit their groins)

Gs: OOOOHHH!

E: (shaking out his hand) Trust me to get the hard one! (They head for the
   stairs. Edmund grabs Melchett and throws him off the stairs, so he can
   leave first.)


In the Queen's Chamber

Q: (dressed as Henry VIII, complete with beard; speaks as deeply as she can)
   Yo ho ho! Off with their heads!

P: Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

Q: Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore! Er, yours is a
   pretty good, too. What is it?

P: It's nothing, Ma'am -- just a mere trifle I threw together.

Q: Doesn't look much like a trifle. Looks more like a fruit salad to me.

P: I see Nursie's really excelled herself.

N: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!

Q: Yes, she has. (looks down at Baldrick, who has a pencil up each nostril)
   I'm not sure about this, though.  What are you meant to be?

B: A pencil case.

Q: (ecstatically) Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny.
   We had tea and cakes and venison, and then a trip with a couple of little
   friends to the executions!

P: How sweet.

Q: ...if I *wanted* my little friends executed, that is. Oh, how I do wish
   Edmund could be here. He always loved parties, and always always wore
   very very tight tights.

P: (thinking the same dumb joke can work twice)  Edmund who?

(Edmund enters)

E: Edmund Blackadder!

Q: Oh!

E: Majesty...

Q: (removing her beard) Oh, Edmund! But...

E: Did you ever know me to miss a party?

Q: (excited, then serious) But what about Lord Melchett?

E: Yes... Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too.

(Melchett enters)

P: Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss (kisses her hand) which cannot
   be counted on one's fingers!

E: (softly) Bbaaaaa...

Q: Sorry, Edmund?

E: Nothing...

Q: Yes, um, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,
   nothing much has changed around here. (motions to Baldrick, who is gnawing
   on a large bone) Your animal still isn't house-trained, Percy's still
   unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

N: MMMMOOOOOOOOO!

E: Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me. (takes his sword out and stabs
   the cow)

Q: Nursie! (to Edmund) You killed Nursie! (downplayed) Oh, that's horrid...
   (shouts again) Guards! Guards! Take him away and execute him! He's killed
   Nursie!

N: (entering from the hall, wearing a multi-uddered, horrible cow costume;
   not wearing the head) Can anyone help me with my udders?

Q: Nursie?

N: Yes?

E: Yes, and may I introduce you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Ludwig
   the Indestructible! (removes the cow head from Ludwig in the good cow
   costume)

(all gasp)

L: Ah, Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.

Q: Er, no, I don't think so, actually.

L: Yes -- you remember when you were young; your father used to take you
   riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle
   in the stable yard. (Queen is embarrassed and motions for him to pass
   that bit.)  *I*, I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who
   held him.

Q: No!

L: Yes!

Q: You?

L: Uh-huh.

Q: Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot??

L: (stands, shouts) No! No, no, no! You will -- all of you -- regret the day
   that you have mocked my complexion. (rushes to the hallway)
   I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! (laughs maniacally, sets about
   opening the outer doors)

E: No -- you will die and be buried. (Edmund throws a large knife into the
   hallway. There is a thunk, and a brief scream from Ludwig.)

all: Hurray!

E: (calmly) ...strange man.

Q: But how did you know it was him?

E: This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told him
   that, if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow.
   From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return,
   and kill the cow.

Q: How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

E: Because, My Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a
   sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill
   the one that *looked like* the cow. That was the mistake I knew that
   Ludwig would make. His disguise was too good!

Q: Gosh, Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home.

E: Well, I must say, Ma'am, it's good to be back.

P: Welcome, Edmund. Did you...miss me?

E: I certainly did. Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself, `I wish Percy
   was here--

(Percy embraces Edmund)

E: `...being tortured instead of me.'

P: Gah, we have missed your wit!

B: Did you miss me, My Lord?

E: Ermmm... `Baldrick', is it?

B: That's right.

E: No, not really.

Q: And me... did you miss me, Edmund?

E: Madam, life without you was like...a broken pencil.

Q: (confused) Explain...?

E: Pointless.


<end> Credits/Theme Song

(during this ending credit, Edmund finally catches the balladeer,
 and drowns him in the fountain)


Edmund Blackadder        Beware all ye who lust for fame
 ROWAN ATKINSON            The path of life is most uncertain
                Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game
Lord Percy            But now the kraut's gone for a burton
 TIM McINNERNY
                Blackadder! Blackadder!
Baldrick            He beat the hun by luck
 TONY ROBINSON            Blackadder! Blackadder!
                He's smarter than a duck
Queen Elizabeth I
 MIRANDA RICHARDSON        Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
                Intelligent and deep
Lord Melchett            Lord Melchett! Lord Melchett!
 STEPHEN FRY            A shame about the sheep

Nursie
 PATSY BYRNE

Prince Ludwig
 HUGH LAURIE

Torturer
 MAX HARVEY

1st Guard
 MARK ARDEN

2nd Guard
 LEE CORNES


Epilogue............

A low-toned bell rings. We see Percy, Edmund, Queen, Nursie, Baldrick,
and Melchett. All are dead with slit throats.

Prince Ludwig is disguised as Queen, and is holding a knife.
(Actually using the actress with the actor's voice dubbed in).

L: (laughs) Now *this* is a disguise I'm *really* going to
   enjoy!  If I can just get the voice right...


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