Multimedia Mania/abacus-multimedia-mania.iso/dp/0152/01528.txt

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$Unique_ID{bob01528}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Sketches, Old And New
Cannibalism In The Cars}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Twain, Mark}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{upon
every
gentleman
harris
gentlemen
like
snow
now
time
day}
$Date{1893}
$Log{}
Title:       Sketches, Old And New
Book:        Cannibalism In The Cars
Author:      Twain, Mark
Date:        1893

Cannibalism In The Cars

     I visited St. Louis lately, and on my way west, after changing cars at
Terre Haute, Indiana, a mild, benevolent-looking gentleman of about forty-
five, or may be fifty, came in at one of the way-stations and sat down beside
me.  We talked together pleasantly on various subjects for an hour, perhaps,
and I found him exceedingly intelligent and entertaining.  When he learned
that I was from Washington, he immediately began to ask questions about
various public men, and about Congressional affairs; and I saw very shortly
that I was conversing with a man who was perfectly familiar with the ins and
outs of political life at the Capital, even to the ways and manners, and
customs of procedure of Senators and Representatives in the Chambers of the
National Legislature.  Presently two men halted near us for a single moment,
and one said to the other:

     "Harris, if you'll do that for me, I'll never forget you, my boy."

     My new comrade's eyes lighted pleasantly.  The words had touched upon a
happy memory, I thought.  Then his face settled into thoughtfulness - almost
into gloom.  He turned to me and said, "Let me tell you a story; let me give
you a secret chapter of my life - a chapter that has never been referred to by
me since its events transpired.  Listen patiently, and promise that you will
not interrupt me."

     I said I would not, and he related the following strange adventure,
speaking sometimes with animation, sometimes with melancholy, but always with
feeling and earnestness.

The Stranger's Narrative

     "On the 19th of December, 1853, I started from St. Louis on the evening
train bound for Chicago.  There were only twenty-four passengers, all told.
There were no ladies and no children.  We were in excellent spirits, and
pleasant acquaintanceships were formed.  The journey bade fair to be a happy
one; and no individual in the party, I think, had even the vaguest presentment
of the horrors we were soon to undergo.

     "At 11 P.M. it began to snow hard.  Shortly after leaving the small
village of Welden, we entered upon that tremendous prairie solitude that
stretches its leagues on leagues of houseless dreariness far away towards the
Jubilee Settlements.  The winds, unobstructed by trees or hills, or even
vagrant rocks, whistled fiercely across the level desert, driving the falling
snow before it like spray from the crested waves of a stormy sea. The snow was
deepening fast; and we knew, by the diminished speed of the train, that the
engine was ploughing through it with steadily increasing difficulty.  Indeed,
it almost came to a dead halt sometimes, in the midst of great drifts that
piled themselves like colossal graves across the track.  Conversation began to
flag.  Cheerfulness gave place to grave concern.  The possibility of being
imprisoned in the snow, on the bleak prairie, fifty miles from any house,
presented itself to every mind, and extended its depressing influence over
every spirit.

     "At two o'clock in the morning I was aroused out of an uneasy slumber by
the ceasing of all motion about me.  The appalling truth flashed upon me
instantly - we were captives in a snow-drift!  'All hands to the rescue!'
Every man sprang to obey.  Out into the wild night, the pitchy darkness, the
billowy snow, the driving storm, every soul leaped, with the consciousness
that a moment lost now might bring destruction to us all. Shovels, hands,
boards - anything, everything that could displace snow, was brought into
instant requisition.  It was a weird picture, that small company of frantic
men fighting the banking snows, half in the blackest shadow and half in the
angry light of the locomotive's reflector.

     "One short hour sufficed to prove the utter uselessness of our efforts.
The storm barricaded the track with a dozen drifts while we dug one away.  And
worse than this, it was discovered that the last grand charge the engine had
made upon the enemy had broken the fore-and-aft shaft of the driving-wheel!
With a free track before us we should still have been helpless.  We entered
the car wearied with labor, and very sorrowful. We gathered about the stoves,
and gravely canvassed our situation.  We had no provisions whatever - in this
lay our chief distress.  We could not freeze, for there was a good supply of
wood in the tender.  This was our only comfort.  The discussion ended at last
in accepting the disheartening decision of the conductor, viz., that it would
be death for any man to attempt to travel fifty miles on foot through snow
like that.  We could not send for help; and even if we could, it could not
come.  We must submit, and await, as patiently as we might, succor or
starvation!  I think the stoutest heart there felt a momentary chill when
those words were uttered.

     "Within the hour conversation subsided to a low murmur here and there
about the car, caught fitfully between the rising and falling of the blast;
the lamps grew dim; and the majority of the castaways settled themselves among
the flickering shadows to think - to forget the present, if they could - to
sleep, if they might.

     "The eternal night - it surely seemed eternal to us - wore its lagging
hours away at last, and the cold grey dawn broke in the east.  As the light
grew stronger the passengers began to stir and give signs of life, one after
another, and each in turn pushed his slouched hat up from his forehead,
stretched his stiffened limbs, and glanced out at the windows upon the
cheerless prospect.  It was cheerless indeed! - not a living thing visible
anywhere, not a human habitation; nothing but a vast white desert; uplifted
sheets of snow drifting hither and thither before the wind - a world of
eddying flakes shutting out the firmament above.

     "All day we moped about the cars, saying little, thinking much. Another
lingering dreary night - and hunger.

     "Another dawning - another day of silence, sadness, wasting hunger,
hopeless watching for succor that could not come.  A night of restless
slumber, filled with dreams of feasting - wakings distressed with the gnawings
of hunger.

     "The fourth day came and went - and the fifth!  Five days of dreadful
imprisonment!  A savage hunger looked out at every eye.  There was in it a
sign of awful import - the foreshadowing of a something that was vaguely
shaping itself in every heart - a something which no tongue dared yet to frame
into words.

     "The sixth day passed - the seventh dawned upon as gaunt and haggard and
hopeless a company of men as ever stood in the shadow of death.  It must out
now!  That thing which had been growing up in every heart was ready to leap
from every lip at last!  Nature had been taxed to the utmost - she must yield.
Richard H. Gaston, of Minnesota, tall, cadaverous, and pale, rose up.  All
knew what was coming.  All prepared - every emotion, every semblance of
excitement was smothered - only a calm, thoughtful seriousness appeared in the
eyes that were lately so wild.

     "'Gentlemen, - It cannot be delayed longer!  The time is at hand!  We
must determine which of us shall die to furnish food for the rest!'

     "Mr. John J. Williams, of Illinois, rose and said: 'Gentlemen, - I
nominate the Rev. James Sawyer, of Tennessee.'

     "Mr. Wm. R. Adams, of Indiana, said: 'I nominate Mr. Daniel Slote, of New
York.'

     "Mr. Charles J. Langdon: 'I nominate Mr. Samuel A. Bowen, of St. Louis.'

     "Mr. Slote: 'Gentlemen, - I desire to decline in favor of Mr. John A. Van
Nostrand, Jun., of New Jersey.'

     "Mr. Gaston: 'If there be no objection, the gentleman's desire will be
acceded to.'

     "Mr. Van Nostrand objecting, the resignation of Mr. Slote was rejected.
The resignations of Messrs. Sawyer and Bowen were also offered, and refused
upon the same grounds.

     "Mr. A. L. Bascom, of Ohio: 'I move that the nominations now close, and
that the House proceed to an election by ballot.'

     "Mr. Sawyer: 'Gentlemen, - I protest earnestly against these proceedings.
They are, in every way, irregular and unbecoming.  I must beg to move that
they be dropped at once, and that we elect a chairman of the meeting and
proper officers to assist him, and then we can go on with the business before
us understandingly.'

     "Mr. Bell, of Iowa: 'Gentlemen, - I object.  This is no time to stand
upon forms and ceremonious observances.  For more than seven days we have been
without food.  Every moment we lose in idle discussion increases our distress.
I am satisfied with the nominations that have been made - every gentleman
present is, I believe - and I, for one, do not see why we should not proceed
at once to elect one or more of them.  I wish to offer a resolution - '

     "Mr. Gaston: 'It would be objected to, and have to lie over one day under
the rules, thus bringing about the very delay you wish to avoid.  The
gentleman from New Jersey - '

     "Mr. Van Nostrand: 'Gentlemen, - I am a stranger among you; I have not
sought the distinction that has been conferred upon me, and I feel a delicacy
- '

     "Mr. Morgan, of Alabama (interrupting): 'I move the previous question.'

     "The motion was carried, and further debate shut off, of course.  The
motion to elect officers was passed, and under it Mr. Gaston was chosen
chairman, Mr. Blake secretary, Messrs. Holcomb, Dyer, and Baldwin, a committee
on nominations, and Mr. R. M. Howland, purveyor, to assist the committee in
making selections.

     "A recess of half an hour was then taken, and some little caucussing
followed.  At the sound of the gavel the meeting reassembled, and the
committee reported in favor of Messrs. George Ferguson, of Kentucky, Lucien
Herrman, of Louisiana, and W. Messick, of Colorado, as candidates.  The report
was accepted.

     "Mr. Rogers, of Missouri: 'Mr. President, - The report being properly
before the House now, I move to amend it by substituting for the name of Mr.
Herrman that of Mr. Lucius Harris, of St. Louis, who is well and honorably
known to us all.  I do not wish to be understood as casting the least
reflection upon the high character and standing of the gentleman from
Louisiana - far from it.  I respect and esteem him as much as any gentleman
here present possibly can; but none of us can be blind to the fact that he has
lost more flesh during the week that we have lain here than any among us -
none of us can be blind to the fact that the committee has been derelict to
its duty, either through negligence or a graver fault, in thus offering for
our suffrages a gentleman who, however pure his own - motives may be, has
really less nutriment in him - '

     "The Chair: 'The gentleman from Missouri will take his seat.  The Chair
cannot allow the integrity of the Committee to be questioned save by the
regular course, under the rules.  What action will the House take upon the
gentleman's motion?'

     "Mr. Halliday, of Virginia: 'I move to further amend the report by
substituting Mr. Harvey Davis, of Oregon, for Mr. Messick.  It may be urged by
gentlemen that the hardships and privations of a frontier life have rendered
Mr. Davis tough; but, gentlemen, is this a time to cavil at toughness?  is
this a time to be fastidious concerning trifles?  is this a time to dispute
about matters of paltry significance?  No, gen-men, bulk is what we desire -
substance, weight, bulk - these are the supreme requisites now - not talent,
not genius, not education.  I insist upon my motion.'

     "Mr. Morgan (excitedly): 'Mr. Chairman, - I do most strenuously object to
this amendment.  The gentleman from Oregon is old, and furthermore is bulky
only in bone - not in flesh.  I ask the gentleman from Virginia if it is soup
we want instead of solid sustenance?  if he would delude us with shadows?  if
he would mock our suffering with an Oregonial spectre?  I ask him if he can
look upon the anxious faces around him, if he can gaze into our sad eyes, if
he can listen to the beating of our expectant hearts, and still thrust this
famine-stricken fraud upon us!  I ask him if he can think of our desolate
state, of our past sorrows, of our dark future, and still unpityingly foist
upon us this wreck, this ruin, this tottering swindle, this gnarled and
blighted and sapless vagabond from Oregon's inhospitable shores?  Never!'
(Applause.)

     "The amendment was put to vote, after a fiery debate, and lost.  Hr.
Harris was substituted on the first amendment.  The balloting then began. Five
ballots were held without a choice.  On the sixth, Mr. Harris was elected, all
voting for him but himself.  It was then moved that his election should be
ratified by acclamation, which was lost, in consequence of his again voting
against himself.

     "Mr. Radway moved that the House now take up the remaining candidates,
and go into an election for breakfast.  This was carried.

     "On the first ballot there was a tie, half the members favoring one
candidate on account of his youth, and halffavoring the other on account of
his superior size.  The President gave the casting vote for the latter, Mr.
Messick.  This decision created considerable dissatisfaction among the friends
of Mr. Ferguson, the defeated candidate, and there was some talk of demanding
a new ballot; but in the midst of it, a motion to adjourn was carried, and the
meeting broke up at once.

     "The preparations for supper diverted the attention of the Ferguson
faction from the discussion of their grievance for a long time, and then, when
they would have taken it up again, the happy announcement that Mr. Harris was
ready, drove all thought of it to the winds.

     "We improvised tables by propping up the backs of car-seats, and sat down
with hearts full of gratitude to the finest supper that had blessed our vision
for seven torturing days.  How changed we were from what we had been a few
short hours before!  Hopeless, sad-eyed misery, hunger, feverish anxiety,
desperation, then - thankfulness, serenity, joy too deep for utterance now.
That I know was the cheeriest hour of my eventful life. The wind howled, and
blew the snow wildly about our prison-house, but they were powerless to
distress us any more.  I liked Harris.  He might have been better done,
perhaps, but I am free to say that no man ever agreed with me better than
Harris, or afforded me so large a degree of satisfaction.  Messick was very
well, though rather high-flavored, but for genuine nutritiousness and delicacy
of fibre, give me Harris.  Messick had his good points - I will not attempt to
deny it, nor do I wish to do it - but he was no more fitted for breakfast than
a mummy would be, sir - not a bit.  Lean? - why, bless me! - and tough?  Ah,
he was very tough!  You could not imagine it, - you could never imagine
anything like it."

     "Do you mean to tell me that - "

     "Do not interrupt me, please.  After breakfast we elected a man by the
name of Walker, from Detroit, for supper.  He was very good.  I wrote his wife
so afterwards.  He was worthy of all praise.  I shall always remember Walker.
He was a little rare, but very good.  And then the next morning we had Morgan,
of Alabama, for breakfast.  He was one of the finest men I ever sat down to, -
handsome, educated, refined, spoke several languages fluently - a perfect
gentleman - he was a perfect gentleman, and singularly juicy.  For supper we
had that Oregon patriarch, and he was a fraud, there is no question about it -
old, scraggy, tough, nobody can picture the reality.  I finally said,
gentlemen, you can do as you like, but I will wait for another election.  And
Grimes, of Illinois, said, 'Gentlemen, I will wait also.  When you elect a man
that has something to recommend him, I shall be glad to join you again.' It
soon became evident that there was general dissatisfaction with Davis, of
Oregon, and so, to preserve the good-will that had prevailed so pleasantly
since we had had Harris, an election was called, and the result of it was that
Baker, of Georgia, was chosen.  He was splendid!  Well, well - after that we
had Doolittle and Hawkins, and McElroy (there was some complaint about
McElroy, because he was uncommonly short and thin), and Penrod, and two
Smiths, and Bailey (Bailey had a wooden leg, which was clear loss, but he was
otherwise good), and an Indian boy, and an organ grinder, and a gentleman by
the name of Buckminster - a poor stick of a vagabond that wasn't any good for
company and no account for breakfast.  We were glad we got him elected before
relief came."

     "And so the blessed relief did come at last?"

     "Yes, it came one bright, sunny morning, just after election.  John
Murphy was the choice, and there never was a better, I am willing to testify;
but John Murphy came home with us, in the train that came to succor us, and
lived to marry the widow Harris -"

     "Relict of - "

     "Relict of our first choice.  He married her, and is happy and respected
and prosperous yet.  Ah, it was like a novel, sir - it was like a romance.
This is my stopping-place, sir; I must bid you good-by.  Any time that you can
make it convenient to tarry a day or two with me, I shall be glad to have you.
I like you, sir; I have conceived an affection for you. I could like you as
well as I liked Harris himself, sir.  Good day, sir, and a pleasant journey."

     He was gone.  I never felt so stunned, so distressed, so bewildered in my
life.  But in my soul I was glad he was gone.  With all his gentleness of
manner and his soft voice, I shuddered whenever he turned his hungry eye upon
me; and when I heard that I had achieved his perilous affection, and that I
stood almost with the late Harris in his esteem, my heart fairly stood still!

     I was bewildered beyond description.  I did not doubt his word; I could
not question a single item in a statement so stamped with the earnestness of
truth as his; but its dreadful details overpowered me, and threw my thoughts
into hopeless confusion.  I saw the conductor looking at me.  I said, "Who is
that man?"

     "He was a member of Congress once, and a good one.  But he got caught in
a snowdrift in the cars, and like to been starved to death.  He got so
frostbitten and frozen up generally, and used up for want of something to eat,
that he was sick and out of his head two or three months afterwards. He is all
right now, only he is a monomania, and when he gets on that old subject he
never stops till he has eat up that whole car-load of people he talks about.
He would have finished the crowd by this time, only he had to get out here.
He has got their names as pat as A, B, C.  When he gets them all eat up but
himself, he always says: - 'Then the hour for the usual election for breakfast
having arrived, and there being no opposition, I was duly elected, after
which, there being no objections offered, I resigned. Thus I am here.'"

     I felt inexpressibly relieved to know that I had only been listening to
the harmless vagaries of a madman instead of the genuine experiences of a
bloodthirsty cannibal.