Multimedia Mania/abacus-multimedia-mania.iso/dp/0129/01290.txt

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$Unique_ID{bob01290}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{(A) Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court
Chapter 24}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Twain, Mark}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{king
now
doing
tell
right
ye
abbot
magician
valley
place}
$Date{1889}
$Log{}
Title:       (A) Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur's Court
Author:      Twain, Mark
Date:        1889

Chapter 24

A Rival Magician

     My influence in the Valley of Holiness was something prodigious now.  It
seemed worthwhile to try to turn it to some valuable account.  The thought
came to me the next morning and was suggested by my seeing one of my knights
who was in the soap line come riding in.  According to history, the monks of
this place two centuries before, had been worldly minded enough to want to
wash.  It might be that there was a leaven of this unrighteousness still
remaining.  So I sounded a Brother:

     "Wouldn't you like a bath?"

     He shuddered at the thought - the thought of the peril of it to the
well - but he said with feeling -

     "One needs not to ask that of a poor body who was not known that blessed
refreshment sith that he was a boy.  Would God I might wash me!  But it may
not be, fair sir, tempt me not; it is forbidden."

     And then he sighed in such a sorrowful way that I was resolved he should
have at least one layer of his real estate removed, if it sized up my whole
influence and bankrupted the pile.  So I went to the abbot and asked for a
permit for this Brother.  He blenched at the idea - I don't mean that you
could see him blench, for of course you couldn't see it without you scraped
him, and I didn't care enough about it to scrape him, but I knew the blench
was there, just the same, and within a book cover's thickness of the surface,
too - blenched, and trembled.  He said:

     "Ah, son, ask aught else thou wilt, and it is thine, and freely granted
out of a grateful heart - but this, oh, this!  Would you drive away the
blessed water again?"

     "No, Father, I will not drive it away.  I have mysterious knowledge
which teaches me that there was an error that other time when it was thought
the institution of the bath banished the fountain."  A large interest began
to show up in the old man's face.  "My knowledge informs me that the bath was
innocent of that misfortune, which was caused by quite another sort of sin."

     "These are brave words - but - but right welcome, if they be true."

     "They are true, indeed.  Let me build the bath again, Father.  Let me
build it again, and the fountain shall flow forever."

     "You promise this - you promise it?  Say the word - say you promise it!"

     "I do promise it."

     "Then will I have the first bath myself!  Go - get ye to your work.
Tarry not, tarry not, but go."

     I and my boys were at work, straight off.  The ruins of the old bath
were there yet, in the basement of the monastery, not a stone missing.  They
had been left just so, all these lifetimes, and avoided with a pious fear, as
things accursed.  In two days we had it all done and the water in - a
spacious pool of clear pure water that a body could swim in.  It was running
water, too.  It came in and went out through the ancient pipes.  The old
abbot kept his word and was the first to try it.  He went down black and
shaky, leaving the whole black community above troubled and worried and full
of bodings; but he came back white and joyful, and the game was made!
Another triumph scored.

     It was a good campaign that we made in that Valley of Holiness, and I
was very well satisfied, and ready to move on, now, but I struck a
disappointment.  I caught a heavy cold, and it started up an old lurking
rheumatism of mine.  Of course the rheumatism hunted up my weakest place and
located itself there.  This was the place where the abbot put his arms about
me and mashed me, what time he was moved to testify his gratitude to me with
an embrace.

     When at last I got out, I was a shadow.  But everybody was full of
attentions and kindnesses, and these brought cheer back into my life and were
the right medicine to help a convalescent swiftly up toward health and
strength again: so I gained fast.

     Sandy was worn out with nursing, so I made up my mind to turn out and go
a cruise alone, leaving her at the nunnery to rest up.  My idea was to
disguise myself as a freeman of peasant degree and wander through the country
a week or two on foot.  This would give me a chance to eat and lodge with the
lowliest and poorest class of free citizens of equal terms.  There was no
other way to inform myself perfectly of their everyday life and the operation
of the laws upon it.  If I went among them as a gentleman, there would be
restraints and conventionalities which would shut me out from their private
joys and troubles, and I should get no further than the outside shell.

     One morning I was out on a long walk to get up muscle for my trip and
had climbed the ridge which bordered the northern extremity of the valley,
when I came upon an artificial opening in the face of a low precipice, and
recognized it by its location as a hermitage which had often been pointed out
to me from a distance, as the den of a hermit of high renown for dirt and
austerity.  I knew he had lately been offered a situation in the Great
Sahara, where lions and sandflies made the hermit life peculiarly attractive
and difficult, and had gone to Africa to take possession, so I thought I
would look in and see how the atmosphere of this den agreed with its
reputation.

     My surprise was great: the place was newly swept and scoured.  Then
there was another surprise.  Back in the gloom of the cavern I heard the
clink of a little bell, and then this exclamation:

     "Hello, Central!  Is this you, Camelot? - Behold, thou mayst glad thy
heart an thou hast faith to believe the wonderful when that it cometh in
unexpected guise and maketh itself manifest in impossible places - here
standeth in the flesh his mightiness The Boss, and with thine own ears shall
ye hear him speak!"

     Now what a radical reversal of things this was; what a jumbling together
of extravagant incongruities; what a fantastic conjunction of opposites and
irreconcilables - the home of the bogus miracle become the home of a real
one, the den of a medieval hermit turned into a telephone office!

     The telephone clerk stepped into the light, and I recognized one of my
young fellows.  I said:

     "How long has this office been established here, Ulfius?"

     "But since midnight, fair Sir Boss, an it please you.  We saw many
lights in the valley, and so judged it well to make a station, for that where
so many lights be needs must they indicate a town of goodly size."

     "Quite right.  It isn't a town in the customary sense, but it's a good
stand, anyway.  Do you know where you are?"

     "Of that I have had no time to make inquiry; for whenas my comradeship
moved hence upon their labors, leaving me in charge, I got me to needed rest,
purposing to inquire when I waked, and report the place's name to Camelot for
record."

     "Well, this is the Valley of Holiness."

     "It didn't take; I mean, he didn't start at the name, as I had supposed
he would.  He merely said -

     "I will so report it."

     "Why, the surrounding regions are filled with the noise of late wonders
that have happened here!  You don't hear of them?"

     "Ah, ye will remember we move by night, and avoid speech with all.  We
learn naught but that we get by the telephone from Camelot."

     "Why they know all about this thing.  Haven't they told you anything
about the great miracle of the restoration of a holy fountain?"

     "Oh, that?  Indeed yes.  But the name of this valley doth woundily
differ from the name of that one; indeed to differ wider were not pos - "

     "What was that name, then?"

     "The Valley of Hellishness."

     "That explains it.  Confound a telephone, anyway.  It is the very demon
for conveying similarities of sound that are miracles of divergence from
similarity of sense.  But no matter, you know the name of the place now.
Call up Camelot."

     He did it, and had Clarence sent for.  It was good to hear my boy's
voice again.  It was like being home.  After some affectionate interchanges
and some account of my late illness, I said:

     "What is new?"

     "The king and queen and many of the court do start even in this hour, to
go to your Valley to pay pious homage to the waters ye have restored, and
cleanse themselves of sin, and see the place where the infernal spirit
spouted true hell flames to the clouds - an ye listen sharply ye may hear me
wink and hear me likewise smile a smile, sith 'twas I that made selection of
those flames from out our stock and sent them by your order."

     "Does the king know the way to this place?"

     "The king?  No, nor to any other in his realms, mayhap; but the lads
that holp you with your miracle will be his guide and lead the way, and
appoint the places for rests at noons and sleeps at night."

     "This will bring them here - when?"

     "Midafternoon, or later, the third day."

     "Anything else in the way of news?"

     "The king hath begun the raising of the standing army ye suggested to
him; one regiment is complete and officered."

     "The mischief!  I wanted a main hand in that, myself.  There is only one
body of men in the kingdom that are fitted to officer a regular army."

     "Yes - and now ye will marvel to know there's not so much as one West
Pointer in that regiment."

     "What are you talking about?  Are you in earnest?"

     "It is truly as I have said."

     "Why, this makes me uneasy.  Who were chosen, and what was the method?
Competitive examination?"

     "Indeed I know naught of the method.  I but know this - these officers
be all of noble family, and are born - what is it you call
it - chuckleheads."

     "There's something wrong, Clarence."

     "Comfort youself, then; for two candidates for a lieutenancy do travel
hence with the king - young nobles both - and if you but wait where you are
you will hear them questioned."

     "That is news to the purpose.  I will get one West Pointer in, anyway.
Mount a man and send him to that school with a message; let him kill horses,
if necessary, but he must be there before sunset tonight and say - "

     "There is no need.  I have laid a ground wire to the school.  Prithee
let me connect you with it."

     It sounded good!  In this atmosphere of telephones and lightning
communication with distant regions, I was breathing the breath of life again
after long suffocation.  I realized, then, what a creepy, dull, inanimate
horror this land had been to me all these years, and how I had been in such a
stifled condition of mind as to have grown used to it almost beyond the power
to notice it.

     I gave my order to the superintendent of the Academy personally.  I also
asked him to bring me some paper and a fountain pen and a box or so of safety
matches.  I was getting tired of doing without these conveniences.  I could
have them, now, as I wasn't going to wear armor any more at present, and
therefore could get at my pockets.

     When I got back to the monastery, I found a thing of interest going on.
The abbot and his monks were assembled in the great hall, observing with
childish wonder and faith the performances of a new magician, a fresh
arrival.  His dress was the extreme of the fantastic; as showy and foolish as
the sort of thing an Indian medicine man wears.  He was mowing, and mumbling,
and gesticulating, and drawing mystical figures in the air and on the
floor - the regular thing, you know.  He was a celebrity from Asia - so he
said, and that was enough.  That sort of evidence was as good as gold, and
passed current everywhere.

     How easy and cheap it was to be a great magician on this fellow's terms.
His specialty was to tell you what any individual on the face of the globe
was doing at the moment; and what he had done at any time in the past, and
what he would do at any time in the future.  He asked if any would like to
know what the Emperor of the East was doing now?  The sparkling eyes and the
delighted rubbing of hands made eloquent answer - this reverend crowd would
like to know what that monarch was at, just at this moment.  The fraud went
through some more mummery, and then made grave announcement:

     "The high and mighty Emperor of the East doth at this moment put money
in the palm of a holy begging friar - one, two, three pieces, and they be all
of silver."

     A buzz of admiring exclamations broke out, all around:

     "It is marvelous!"  "Wonderful!"  "What study, what labor, to have
acquired a so amazing power as this!"

     Would they like to know what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing?  Yes.
He told them what the Supreme Lord of Inde was doing.  Then he told them what
the Sultan of Egypt was at; also what the King of the Remote Seas was about.
And so on and so on; and with each new marvel the astonishment at his
accuracy rose higher and higher.  They thought he must surely strike an
uncertain place sometime; but no, he never had to hesitate, he always knew,
and always with unerring precision.  I saw that if this thing went on I
should lose my supremacy, this fellow would capture my following, I should be
left out in the cold.  I must put a cog in his wheel, and do it right away,
too.  I said:

     "If I might ask, I should very greatly like to know what a certain
person is doing."

     "Speak, and freely.  I will tell you."

     "It will be difficult - perhaps impossible."

     "My art knoweth not that word.  The more difficult it is, the more
certainly will I reveal it to you."

     You see, I was working up the interest.  It was getting pretty high,
too; you could see that by the craning necks all around, and the half
suspended breathing.  So now I climaxed it:

     "If you make no mistake - if you tell me truly what I want to know - I
will give you two hundred silver pennies."

     "The fortune is mine!  I will tell you what you would know."

     "Then tell me what I am doing with my right hand."

     "Ah-h!"  There was a general gasp of surprise.  It had not occurred to
anybody in the crowd - that simple trick of inquiring about somebody who
wasn't ten thousand miles away.  The magician was hit hard; it was an
emergency that had never happened in his experience before, and it corked
him; he didn't know how to meet it.  He looked stunned, confused; he couldn't
say a word.  "Come," I said, "what are you waiting for?  Is it possible you
can answer up, right off, and tell what anybody on the other side of the
earth is doing, and yet can't tell what a person is doing who isn't three
yards from you?  Persons behind me know what I am doing with my right
hand - they will endorse you if you tell correctly."  He was still dumb.
"Very well, I'll tell you why you don't speak up and tell; it is because you
don't know.  You a magician!  Good friends, this tramp is a mere fraud and
liar."

     This distressed the monks and terrified them.  They were not used to
hearing these awful beings called names, and they did not know what might be
the consequence.  There was a dead silence, now; superstitious bodings were
in every mind.  The magician began to pull his wits together, and when he
presently smiled an easy, nonchalant smile, it spread a mighty relief around;
for it indicated that his mood was not destructive.  He said:

     "It hath struck me speechless, the frivolity of this person's speech.
Let all know, if perchance there be any who know it not, that enchanters of
my degree deign not to concern themselves with the doings of any but Kings,
Princes, Emperors, them that be born in the purple and them only.  Had ye
asked me what Arthur the great king is doing, it were another matter, and I
had told ye; but the doings of a subject interest me not."

     "Oh, I misunderstood you.  I thought you said 'anybody,' and so I
supposed 'anybody' included - well, anybody; that is, everybody."

     "It doth - anybody that is of lofty birth; and the better if he be
royal."

     "That, it meseemeth, might well be," said the abbot, who saw his
opportunity to smooth things and avert disaster, "for it were not likely that
so wonderful a gift as this would be conferred for the revelation of the
concerns of lesser beings than such as be born near to the summits of
greatness.  Our Arthur the king -"

     "Would you know of him?" broke in the enchanter.

     "Most gladly, yea, and gratefully."

     Everybody was full of awe and interest again, right away, the
incorrigible idiots.  They watched the incantations absorbingly, and looked
at me with a "There, now, what can you say to that?" air, when the
announcement came:

     "The king is weary with the chase, and lieth in his palace these two
hours sleeping a dreamless sleep."

     "God's benison upon him!" said the abbot, and crossed himself; "may that
sleep be to the refreshment of his body and his soul."

     "And so it might be, if he were sleeping," I said, "but the king is not
sleeping, the king rides."

     Here was trouble again - a conflict of authority.  Nobody knew which of
us to believe; I still had some reputation left.  The magician's scorn was
stirred, and he said:

     "Lo, I have seen many wonderful soothsayers and prophets and magicians
in my life days, but none before that could sit idle and see to the heart of
things with never an incantation to help."

     "You have lived in the woods and lost much by it.  I use incantations
myself, as this good brotherhood are aware - but only on occasions of
moment."

     When it comes to sarcasaming, I reckon I know how to keep my end up.
That jab made this fellow squirm.  The abbot inquired after the queen and the
court, and got this information:

     "They be all on sleep, being overcome by fatigue, like as to the king."

     I said:

     "That is merely another lie.  Half of them are about their amusements,
the queen and the other half are not sleeping, they ride.  Now perhaps you
can spread yourself a little, and tell us where the king and queen and all
that are this moment riding with them are going?"

     "They sleep now, as I said; but on the morrow they will ride, for they
go a journey toward the sea."

     "And where will they be the day after tomorrow at vespers?"

     "Far to the north of Camelot, and half their journey will be done."

     "That is another lie, by the space of a hundred and fifty miles.  Their
journey will not be merely half done, it will be all done, and they will be
here, in this valley."

     That was a noble shot!  It set the abbot and the monks in a whirl of
excitement, and it rocked the enchanter to his base.  I followed the thing
right up:

     "If the king does not arrive, I will have myself ridden on a rail; if he
does I will ride you on a rail instead."

     Next day I went up to the telephone office and found that the king had
passed through two towns that were on the line.  I spotted his progress on
the succeeding day in the same way.  I kept these matters to myself.  The
third day's reports showed that if he kept up his gait he would arrive by
four in the afternoon.  There was still no sign anywhere of interest in his
coming; there seemed to be no preparations making to receive him in state; a
strange thing, truly.  Only one thing could explain this: that other magician
had been cutting under me, sure.  This was true.  I asked a friend of mine, a
monk, about it, and he said, yes, the magician had tried some further
enchantments and found out that the court had concluded to make no journey at
all,  but stay at home.  Think of that!  Observe how much a reputation was
worth in such a country.  These people had seen me do the very showiest bit
of magic in history, and the only one within their memory that had a positive
value, and yet here they were, ready to take up with an adventurer who could
offer no evidence of his powers but his mere unproven word.

     However, it was not good politics to let the king come without any fuss
and feathers at all, so I went down and drummed up a procession of pilgrims
and smoked out a batch of hermits and started them out at two o'clock to meet
him.  And that was the sort of state he arrived in.  The abbot was helpless
with rage and humiliation when I brought him out on a balcony and showed him
the head of the state marching in and never a monk on hand to offer him
welcome, and no stir of life or clang of joy bell to glad his spirit.  He took
one look and then flew to rouse out his forces.  The next minute the bells
were dinning furiously, and the various buildings were vomiting monks and
nuns, who went swarming in a rush toward the coming procession; and with them
went that magician - and he was on a rail, too, by the abbot's order; and his
reputation was in the mud, and mine was in the sky again.  Yes, a man can keep
his trademark current in such a country, but he can't sit around and do it; he
has got to be on deck and attending to business, right along.