Multimedia Mania/abacus-multimedia-mania.iso/dp/0064/00645.txt

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$Unique_ID{bob00645}
$Pretitle{}
$Title{Anthology Of Shorter Works
Part I}
$Subtitle{}
$Author{Dickens, Charles}
$Affiliation{}
$Subject{professor
grime
woodensconce
am
past
every
gentleman
half
himself
o'clock}
$Date{}
$Log{}
Title:       Anthology Of Shorter Works
Book:        Second Meeting Of The Mudfog Association
Author:      Dickens, Charles

Part I

Second Meeting Of The Mudfog Association For The Advancement Of Everything.

Full Report Of The Second Meeting Of The Mudfog Association For The
Advancement Of Everything.

     In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording, at
an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unparalleled in the history of
periodical publications, the proceedings of the Mudfog Association for the
advancement of everything, which, in that month, held its first great
half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire.  We
announced at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most remarkable Report,
that when the Second Meeting of the Society should take place we should be
found again at our post renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and
once more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, immeasurable
superiority, and intense remarkability of our account of its proceedings.
In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be despatched per steam to
Oldcastle, at which place this second meeting of the society was held on the
20th instant, the same superhumanly endowed gentleman who furnished the
former report, and who - gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and
furnished by us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself - has
forwarded a series of letters, which for faithfulness of description, power
of language, fervour of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of
subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any age or
country.  We give this gentleman's correspondence entire, in the order in
which it reached our office.

     "Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight. - When I left New
Burlington Street this evening in the hackney cabriolet, number four thousand
two hundred and eighty-five, I experienced sensations as novel as they were
oppressive.  A sense of importance of the task I had undertaken, a
consciousness that I was leaving London, and stranger still, going somewhere
else, a feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite bewildered
my thoughts and for a time rendered me even insensible to the presence of my
carpet-bag and hat-box.  I shall ever feel-grateful to the driver of a
Blackwell omnibus, who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the
small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of imaginations that
are wholly indescribable.  But of such materials is our imperfect nature
composed!

     "I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and shall
thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in the order of
its occurrence.  The chimney is smoking a good deal and so are the crew; and
the captain, I am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon the deck,
something like a black turnpike.  I should infer from all I hear that he has
got the steam up.

     "You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the
discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by Professor
Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime.  Professor Woodensconce has
taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime the two shelves
opposite.  Their luggage has already arrived.  On Mr. Slug's bed is a long
tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully closed at both ends.
What can this contain?  Some powerful instrument of a new construction
doubtless."

     "Ten minutes past nine.  Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh
come in my way, except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I
conclude that a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow.  There is
a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but as the
steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I am quite comfortable
again.  I learn from this man that the different sections will be distributed
at the Black Boy and Stomach-Ache, and the Boot-Jack and Countenance.  If
this intelligence be true, and I have no reason to doubt it, your readers
will draw such conclusions as their different opinions may suggest.

     "I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts come
to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose nothing of their
original vividness.  I shall despatch them in small packets as opportunities
arise."

     "Half past nine. - Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf.
I think it is a travelling carriage."

     "A quarter to ten. - No, it isn't."

     "Half past ten. - The passengers are pouring in every instant.  Four
omnibuses full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and
activity.  The noise and confusion are very great.  Cloths are laid in the
cabins and the steward is placing blue plates full of knobs of cheese at
equal distances down the centre of the tables.  He drops a great many knobs;
but, being used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity, and after
wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back into the plates.  He is a young
man of exceedingly prepossessing appearance, - either dirty or a mulatto, but
I think the former.

     "An interesting old gentleman who came to the wharf in an omnibus has
just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering towards the
vessel with a large trunk in his arms.  I trust and hope that he may reach
it in safety; but the board he has to cross is narrow and slippery.  Was that
a splash?  Gracious powers!

     "I have just returned from the deck.  The trunk is standing upon the
extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to be seen.  The
watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but promises to drag for
him the first thing to-morrow morning.  May his humane efforts prove
successful!

     "Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under his
hat.  He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a hard biscuit
and a basin, and has gone straight to bed.  What can this mean?

     "The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already alluded
have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the exception of
Professor Woodensconce who sleeps in one of the top ones, and can't get into
it.  Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out of his,
and is to have his supper handed up by a boy.  I have had the honour to
introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order
in which we shall retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon,
because although the cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more
than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take his
boots off in the passage.

     "As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the passengers'
supper, and are now in course of consumption.  Your readers will be surprised
to hear that Professor Woodensconce has abstained from cheese for eight
years, although he takes butter in considerable quantities.  Professor Grime,
having lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without
previously soaking them in his bottled porter.  How interesting are these
peculiarities!"

     "Half past eleven. - Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree
of good humour that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle
of mulled port.  There has been some discussion whether the payment should
be decided by the first toss or the best out of three.  Eventually the latter
course has been determined on.  Deeply do I wish that both gentlemen could
win; but that being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations - I speak
as an individual, and do not compromise either you or your readers by this
expression of feeling - are with Professor Woodensconce. I have backed that
gentleman to the amount of eighteen pence."

     "Twenty minutes to twelve. - Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed
his half-crown out of one of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged the
steward shall toss for him.  Bets are offered on any side to any amount, but
there are no takers.

     "Professor Woodensconce has just called 'woman'; but the coin having
lodged in a beam is a long time coming down again.  The interest and suspense
of this one moment are beyond anything that can be imagined."

     "Twelve o'clock. - The mulled port is smoking on the table before me,
and Professor Grime has won.  Tossing is a game of chance; but on every
ground, whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or
scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that Professor
Woodensconce ought to have come off victorious.  There is an exultation about
Professor Grime incompatible I fear with greatness."

     "A quarter past twelve. - Professor Grime continues to exult and to
boast of his victory in no very measured terms, observing that he always does
win, and that he knew it would be a 'head' beforehand, with many other
remarks of a similar nature.  Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every
feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know the superiority of
Professor Woodensconce.  Is Professor Grime insane?  or does he wish to be
reminded in plain language of his true position in society, and the precise
level of his acquirements and abilities?  Professor Grime will do well to
look to this."

     "One o'clock. - I am writing in bed.  The small cabin is illuminated by
the feeble light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor
Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with his mouth
wide open.  The scene is indescribably solemn.  The ripple of the tide, the
noise of the sailors' feet overhead, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs
on the shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking of every
plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear.  With these
exceptions, all is profound silence.

     "My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited.  Mr.
Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn the curtains
of his berth, and after looking anxiously out, as if to satisfy himself that
his companions are asleep, has taken up the tin tube of which I have before
spoken, and is regarding it with great interest.  What rare mechanical
combinations can be obtained in that mysterious case?  It is evidently a
profound secret to all."

     "A quarter past one. - The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more
mysterious.  He has unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his
observation upon his companions; evidently to make sure that he is wholly
unobserved.  He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment.  Pray Heaven
that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of science must be
promoted, and I am prepared for the worst."

     "Five minutes later. - He has produced a large pair of scissors, and
drawn a roll of some substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the
tin case.  The experiment is about to begin.  I must strain my eyes to the
utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation."

     "Twenty minutes before two. - I have at length been enabled to ascertain
that the tin tube contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster
recommended, - as I discover on regarding the label attentively through my
eye-glass, - as a preservative against sea-sickness.  Mr. Slug has cut it up
into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every direction."

     "Three o'clock. - Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor,
and the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling, that
Professor Woodensconce, who had ascended to his berth by means of a platform
of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical principles, darted from his
shelf head foremost, and gaining his feet with all the rapidity of extreme
terror, ran wildly into the ladies' cabin, under the impression that we were
sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid.  I am assured that the scene which
ensued baffles all description.  There were one hundred and forty-seven
ladies in their respective berths at the time.

     "Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme
ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation, that in
whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may be situated, the
machinery always appears to be exactly under his pillow.  He intends stating
this very beautiful, though simple discovery to the association."

     "Half past three. - We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as
smooth water as a steam-vessel ever can be, for as Professor Woodensconce,
who has just woke up, learnedly remarks, another great point of ingenuity
about a steamer is, that it always carries a little storm with it.  You can
scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking pulsation of the ship becomes.
It is a matter of positive difficulty to get to sleep."

     "Friday afternoon, six o'clock. - I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's
plaster has proved of no avail.  He is in great agony, but has applied
several large additional pieces notwithstanding. How affecting is this
extreme devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying
circumstances!

     "We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of the
most animated description.  Nothing unpleasant occurred until noon, with the
exception of Dr. Foxey's brown silk umbrella and white hat becoming entangled
in the machinery while he was explaining to a knot of ladies the construction
of the steam-engine.  I fear the gravy-soup for lunch was injudicious.  We
lost a great many passengers almost immediately afterwards."

     "Half past six. - I am again in bed.  Anything so heart-rending as Mr.
Slug's sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness."

     "Seven o'clock. - A messenger has just come down for a clean
pocket-handkerchief from Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate
gentleman being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to
be thrown overboard.  From this man I understood that Professor Nogo, though
in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and cold
brandy-and-water, under the impression that they will yet restore him.  Such
is the triumph of mind over matter.

     "Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he will
eat, and it is disagreeable to see him.  Has this gentleman no sympathy with
the sufferings of his fellow-creatures?  If he has, on what principle can he
call for mutton-chops, - and smile?"

     "Black Boy and Stomach-Ache,
     Oldcastle, Saturday noon.

     "You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in
safety.  The town is excessively crowded, and all the private lodgings and
hotels are filled with savans of both sexes.  The tremendous assemblages of
intellect that one encounters in every street is in the last degree
overwhelming.

     "Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate enough
to meet with very comfortable accommodations on very reasonable terms, having
secured a sofa in the first-floor passage at one guinea per night, which
includes permission to take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk
about the streets at all other times to make room for other gentlemen
similarly situated.  I have been over the outhouses intended to be devoted
to the reception of the various sections, both here and at the Boot-Jack and
Countenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements.  Nothing can exceed
the fresh appearance of the sawdust with which the floors are sprinkled.  The
forms are of unplaned deal, and the general effect, as you can well imagine,
is extremely beautiful."

     "Half past nine. - The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite
bewildering.  Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the
door, filled inside and out with distinguished characters, comprising Mr.
Muddlebrains, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X. Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr.
Purblind, Professor Rummun, The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Ears,
Professor John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith of
London, Mr. Brown of Edenburg, Sir Hookham Snivy, and Professor Pumpkinskull.
The last ten-named gentlemen were wet through, and looked extremely
intelligent."

     "Sunday, two o'clock, p.m. - The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Ears,
accompanied by Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this morning.  They
accomplished the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly.  This
has naturally given rise to much discussion.

     "I have just learned that an interview has taken place at the Boot-Jack
and Countenance, between Sowster, the active and intelligent beadle of this
place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your readers are doubtless aware,
is an influential member of the council.  I forbear to communicate any of the
rumours to which this very extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I
have seen Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the truth from him."

     "Half past six. - I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the
above, and proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's residence,
passing through a beautiful expanse of country with red brick buildings on
either side, and stopping in the market-place to observe the spot where Mr.
Kwakley's hat was blown off yesterday.  It is an uneven piece of paving, but
has certainly no appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such
event had recently occurred there.  From this point I proceeded - passing the
gas-works and tallow-melter's - to a lane which had been pointed out to me
as the beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a dozen yards
farther, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me.

     "Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that peculiar
conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a double chin than I
remember to have ever seen before.  He has also a very red nose, which he
attributes to a habit of early rising, - so red indeed, that, but for this
explanation, I should have supposed it to proceed from occasional inebriety.
He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to relate what had
passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no  objection to
state that it was connected with a matter of police regulation, and added
with peculiar significance, 'Never wos sitch times!'

     "You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me considerable
surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I lost no time in waiting
on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the object of my visit.  After a few
moments' reflection, the Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the
utmost politeness, openly avowed, - I marked the passage in italics, - that
he had requested Sowster to attend on the Monday morning at the Boot Jack and
Countenance to keep off the boys; and that he had further desired that the
underbeadle might be stationed, with the same object at the Black Boy and
Stomach-Ache!

     "Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and the
consideration of your readers.  I have yet to learn that a beadle, without
the precincts of a church, church-yard, or workhouse, and acting otherwise
than under the express orders of churchwardens and overseers in council
assembled, to enforce the law against people who come upon the parish, and
other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the rising youth of
this country.  I have yet to learn that a beadle can be called out by any
civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over the boys of Britain.
I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted by the commissioners of
poor-law regulation to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in illegal
interference with the liberties of people not proved poor or otherwise
criminal.  I have yet to learn that a beadle has power to stop up the Queen's
highway at his will and pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is
not free and open to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very
walls of the houses, - ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-Aches, or
Boot-jacks and Countenances, I care not."

     "Nine o'clock. - I have procured a local artist to make a faithful
sketch of the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous
celebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of
presenting a copy with every copy of your next number.  The underbeadle has
consented to write his life, but it is to be strictly anonymous.

     "The likeness is of course from the life, and complete in every respect.
Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man's real character, and it had
been placed before me without remark, I should have shuddered involuntarily.
There is an intense malignity of expression in the features, and a baleful
ferocity of purpose in the ruffian's eye, which appalls and sickens.  His
whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic
of his demoniac propensities."