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Frostbyte's 1980s DOS Shareware Collection
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JOKIN-33.ZIP
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JOKIN-33.TXT
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1991-12-03
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=================================================================
_Wet_Dream_
It was April the 41st. Being a quadruple leap year, I was
driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so
I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal.
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my personal life out of
it, okay pal?"
While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The
Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner (he used to play
for the Dolphins). I said, "Hi Gill!" (you have to yell, he's
hard of herring).
chorus:
Think I had a wet dream
Cruising through the Gulf Stream
Oooooh oooooh-ooooh oooooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping
his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured
me the usual -- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not
stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the
side, heavy on the mako.
I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even
slipped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the
halibut.
Well, the place was crowded -- we were packed in like sardines.
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy
Dorsal -- what sole! Tommy was rockin' the place with a very
popular tuna -- "Salmon 'Chanted Evening". And the stage was
surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass
player.
One of them was this cute little yellow-tail and she's givin' me
the eye, so I figure this is my chance for a little fun. You
know, a little pisces.
But she said things I just couldn't fathom; she was too deep.
Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink! She
drank like a -- she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarian."
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!"
<chorus>
I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I
said, "Come on baby. It'll only take a few minnows." She threw
me that same old line: "Not tonight. I got a haddock." And
she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest,
meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He
was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen,
shrimp. Don't you come trolling around here." What a crab.
This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes.
I turned to him and said, "A-balone. You're just being
shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so
did Gill 'cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The
haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left
hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on
the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless.
I said, "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a
sturgeon." Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I
landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, "Hey big
boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin."
<chorus>
Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her out to
dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of
flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get
for my troubles? A case of the clams.
<chorus>
======================================================================
This is a true story told by a friend of mine. It happened to a girl she knew.
There was this girl driving along the highway, when she suddely had to visit
the restroom. Unfortunately there is none along the highway, and she was a
long way from home. Well, after a while she just had to stop, and when she
saw this big trashbin she desided to stop and do it behind it.
Aaaaah, what a relief. While she sat there she raised her head and saw
samething on top of the trashbin, it looked like a microwave-oven. "Why would
someone throw away a micowave-oven? My husband is good at fixing such things,
so I'll take it with me".
Some miles later she raealized a policecar behind, and pulled to the side
thinking:
"What is this, I haven't gone too fast".
The policeman comes over to her and takes a look into her car.
"What is this you have in the backseat?"
"Oh it's a microwave-oven I found in a trashbin along the road."
She told the policeman the story about the oven and that her husband should
fix it.
"Well mrs. it is no microwave-oven you have in the backseat of your
car - it is a *radar*"
P.S. I have seen some radars, but no one looks even close to a microwave-oven,
- maybe it is a new brand :)
Three marines, a white man, a black man, and a jewish man, were
sitting in a foxhole (during a war) when BLAMMO!!!!! They are
all wasted by enemy fire. Like all good Marines, they go straight
to hell. The devil greets them, and says, "Look, I'm in a sporting
mood today. Tell you what-- for a hundred bucks each, I'll let you
go back and live again."
"A hundred bucks??!!!?? Is that all???" says the white guy, who
whips out the cash and gives it to the devil. POOOOF! He is back
in the foxhole. A medic comes running over. "I saw the whole thing,"
he says. "I thought you were dead. What happened???"
The white guy tells the story of being in hell, and how he got out
for a hundred dollars. "But where are the other two guys?" asks
the medic.
Says the white-- "Well, the last I heard, the Jew had it down
to $49.50 and the black was still looking for a co-signer."
One day, while walking down a street, a marine general saw a boy shoveling
sh*t into a pile.
The general asked the boy, "Son, why are you shoveling that Sh*t into a pile?"
The boy responded, "I'm making me an Admiral!"
The general thought this was about the funniest thing he had ever seen so
he went back to the office and told his friend, an admiral, about what he had
it. The admiral wanted to see this for himself, so the general took the
admiral out to where the boy was.
The admiral asked, "Son, what are you building?"
The boy responded, "I'm building me an admiral."
Stunned, the admiral asked, "Why are you building an admiral?"
"Cause I ain't got enough sh*t to build me a marine!" said the boy. :)
I had a somewhat similar experience, however I had a vasectomy and had to
go back 2 months later so they could confirm that the operation was a sccess.
Well, the nurse gave me a glass jar with a lid on it, then proceded to show
me to the door and ask me if I would also like to take one of their handy-
dandy magazines in with me. I told her that I have no need for a magazine
and proceded into the restroom. Well......I guess it was about a half hour
later when the nurse came knocking on the door and asked "Sir, are you having
some kinda problem in there?" I answered "Well kinda, Ya see I shook it up
and down, I beat it against the sink, I slammed it against the wall, I wore
out my right hand, I sprained my left hand, and y'know I'm just about to
give up on tryin' to get this dad-burned jar open".
A few days ago it was reported that David Letterman was no longer going
to have the "top ten" list on every show....which begs the question -
what are the top ten reasons the "top ten" list will not be on every
David Letterman show?
Number -
10. Needs air time to introduce his new line of hair-care products.
9. He lost the only writer who could count from 10 to 1.
8. G.E. cancelled his login to NETNEWS - rec.humor.
7. Needs a funnier segment to compete with C-SPAN.
6. NBC's laugh machine has been overheating.
5. Paul's drummer gets paid way too much extra for this segment.
4. Dave has more important things to do - like smile at the camera -
real close.
3. What next!!!? - no more dumb animal tricks?
2. Nothing IS sacred to a dork.
and.... the number one reason why David Letterman is not doing the
"top ten" list on a regular basis is -
1. He wants to be more like Jay Leno.
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up
to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the
bird drops a load when it was directly over her.
The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth
open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
Why are there no blacks in the cartoon the "Flinstones"?
Because they were still monkeys at that time.
Cannibal #1: Shall I boil the new missionary, Chief?
Cannibal #2: No, he's a friar.
Unravelling of the mysteries of the Northern lights!
Aurora Borealis revealed!
After reading too much about flat-panel plasma displays, I received a
divine revelation telling me the purpose of the shimmering curtains of
light in the Northern skies: It's a planetary terminal (but, luckily,
not the console).
With the knowledge of the revelation I was able to reinterpret the
patterns, and saw this:
$
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
Out of space - device(china)
su -
Password:
#shutdown -y -g1y
Not on console
#reboot
Not on console
#df /dev/asia
(/dev/asia ): 89 blocks: 0 i-nodes
#rm -r /usr/acct/ussr
#df /dev/asia
(/dev/asia ): 257349 blocks: 8437 i-nodes
#^d
$
A guy wakes up one morning, stretches turns to his wife and
says "Wow I slept well, I feel great!"
His wife looks at him and says, "Well I wouldnt go to work
if I were you, you look terrible!, are you sure you feel ok?"
He replies "Yeah I feel fine" then he hops out of bed and
goes to work.
While at work, he's whistling, singing and generally enjoying
a wonderful day, and all the time his friends are coming up and
asking if he feels alright cos he looks awful. Eventually his
boss comes in sees him and says, "Hey, you look terrible, take
the rest of the day off", He starts to argue,saying he feels great
but the boss orders him out.
Well, the guy thinks, maybe there is something to all this,
I'd better go to the doctor just in case.
At the doctors, he sits down and tells the MD "Look Doc,
all day Ive been feeling great but everyone says I look
awful, whats up?"
The Doc gets down his big book of medicine and starts to flick
through it :
"Hmm, looks awful, feels awful, no thats not it...."
(flip)
"Looks great, feels great, nooo....."
(flip)
"Looks great, feels awful, nope......"
(flip)
"AH here we are, 'looks awful, feels great' : you're a cunt"
My favorite is "If she were two inches taller she'd be round"
There is this pack of Huskies(UW) walking down the street being led by their
head coach. As they approach an ally, a solitary Cougar(WSU) jumps out and
starts taunting the Huskies saying, "Ha you Huskies are sooo dumb and weak
that I could take you all on single handed....you all are just a pack of
dogs...hahaha", and he jumps back in. Well, not to let his team stand for
such insults, the coach says, "Ok, half of you go into that ally and get
that Cougar!" So half of the team, about 50 men, run into the ally. From
the ally comes the sound of a horrific fight and then silence which is soon
broken by the Cougar jumping back out and taunting the Huskies once again,
"HA HA HA, you are all so dumb....even I can't believe it...come and get me
if you dare", after which he jumps back in. Of course the rest of the
Husky team starts running for the ally to get the Cougar, but before they
get there, one battered Husky crawls out of the ally saying, "No Wait!,
it's a trap, there are TWO of them!"
------------
Once, a traveling salesman was driving along an old country dirt road, miles from
civilization. Things would have been fine, but needed to take a shit, real bad.
So, at the next farm house he found, he stopped and asked the farmer if he could
use his restroom. "Sure thing," said the farmer, pointing to an old, dilapidated
outhouse.
Well, the salesman was obviously in something of a hurry, so he didn't argue with
the man. He dropped his drawers, and (avoiding splinters), took his seat. Well,
before and during such a grand movement, he was too busy to take note that there
was nothing with which to clean up with afterward. When he DID notice, it was too
late.
"Sir," he called to the farmer, still doing chores on the outside, "there doesn't
seem to be any toilet paper in here. How am I supposed to clean up?"
"Well, do you see that open slot in the wall?"
"Yeah, I do," said the salesman, looking at what at first appeared to be a large,
horizontal space between the boards in the side of the outhouse.
"Well, here's what you do: use your hand to clean off, and when you're finished,
stick your hand in the slot, and it'll be cleaned right off."
The saleman was skeptical, and also a bit squeamish, but he had no choice. He
cleaned himself off as best he could, and stuck his hand through the slot, into
the daylight.
Now, just on the other side of the wall, outside the hole, there was a monkey,
holding two bricks. When the man's hand appeared through the slot, the monkey
smashed those bricks together as hard as he could, sandwiching the man's hand.
Back in the john, the man cries out in pain as his hand gets smashed, pulls it
back in, and sticks the hand in his mouth.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q> How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A> One. (think about it)
"Practice safe government -- use a kingdom."
An American, a German, and a Polishman are on a safari deep in the woods
of Africa. The tour guide, a native African, stopped suddenly, and looked at
the gentlemen. He said, "I will not go further in this jungle. Just ahead
are rare cannibals. I will not risk my life." The three gentlemen look at
each other, and decide to check it out. The tour guide split, and the guys
started walking. It wasn't long before they were captured by the cannibals.
The cannibals tied them up and hung them upside down from a tree. The chief
came up to them and said, "We are cannibals. We will eat your insides, use
your bones for tools, and use your skin to cover our canoes.". The chief turned
to the American and said, "Do you have a last request?". The American replied,
"Bring me a knife.". The chief brings him a knife and hands it to the
American. The American opens the knife and says, "I will die with pride!", and
slits his throat. The chief asked the same thing to the German. The German
said, "Bring me a knife also.". The chief brings hime the knife, and the
German said, "I won't let YO kill me!", and he stabs himself in the heart. The
chief turned to the Polishman, and said, "What is your request?". The
Polishman says, "Bring me a fork.". The chief was puzzled, but he brought him
a fork. The Polishman started stabbing himself all over his body, screaming,
"You're not going to make a canoe out of me!!
There once was a man from Hitachi
Whose ass was becoming all blotchy
With his face full of dread
He finally said
It must've been the night with Liberace.
Is is true that Magic Johnson claims that his HIV infection
has nothing to do with his ability to come from behind?
NEWS FLASH -
The Centers for Disease Control have discovered a new process
by which AIDS can be transmitted: Magic.
Magic Johnson - Born in Detroit, reared in LA.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Imagine for a moment if the computer revolution had occoured a decade or
so sooner. With all the power and chaos of the 60's, it's not to hard to
go further and pretend that
Computer Nerds Could Have Controlled Network Programming.
by Robert S. Coats
Gilligan's Island:
The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to upgrade
the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After hours of effort,
he manages to establish a connection via his papaya-based VT 100 terminal
and satellite uplink with Telenet, but falls asleep from exhaustion.
Gilligan walks up and types "+++" then "ATH" and drops the line. The
Skipper beans him with a rock and finally loses it, his seafaring years
catch up with him and he starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about
playing Leisure Suit Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally
figures out how to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a
passing JAL jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points. Ginger calls
CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an effort to convince
them that she should would be a good model for MacStripPoker 2.0.
Eventually, all connectivity on the island is lost, when Gilligan
discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has shorted pins 2&3 on the
serial cable, and everybody on the island has just been echoing characters
to each other.
Beverly Hillbillies
Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in the
bank, but, typically, he won't spend the money. Frustrated, Miss Jane
pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to "put in the LAN," but
Jed thinks she said "put in the ham." Jed then gets Granny to cook up a
dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie Mae bring them to the bank. When they
arrive, everybody is out to lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the
hams, but is frustrated when he can't get the coaxial cable to stay
attached to the ham bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has
brought along her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing
the the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund transfer
of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr. Drysdale is seen
chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look in his eye, swinging a
ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, "Weee-doggie! Why look at that Granny.
Mr. Drysdale is so happy about whut we done, he's gonna give Miss Jane her
own ham!"
The Brady Bunch
Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer and,
through hacking tricks picked up from a local "adults only" BBS, is able
to access individual student's "permanent records." He scans through the
listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro, alters his completed
courses such that he won't be required to take English Lit again. However,
Jan is working in the school office at the time and is alerted to the
invasion by a diligent anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having
to decide to do the "right thing" or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes
home and talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software Mr. Brady
has recently installed on his '386 laptop. Jan tries to use the program,
but instead accidently deletes all the files in the Harvard Graphics
directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a presentation the next day. Mrs.
Brady finds out via Jan what happened, and forces Peter to write "I will
not hack into the school computer" 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of
the family eats angle food cake on the patio.
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and jumps on a
plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched on and, due to an
undiscovered bug in the latest release of System and Finder, the hard disk
continually optimizes itself when no keyboard input is recorded for more
than five minutes. Needless to say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and
spends the next few hours trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted
begins his broadcast and notes that "We expected to have some good
information about Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to
take a Mac and not a reliable laptop PC!" Frantic, Mary calls long
distance over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesn't answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phyllis's snotty daughter is around and answers.
She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary is last seen
violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window while crossing the
Bay Bridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In view of recent admonitions against jokes maligning any
class of people, I thought I'd put together some examples
of humor that are approved within the Tandem Values. Note
how these jokes arise from existing ones that are not
permitted, showing that humor can be found anywhere.
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and
coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink
coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentially-challenged individuals take a short
rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists,
vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism
and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as
well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians,
other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes
against the Communist belief system that material goods are
provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have
no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will
also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourgages automobile
use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed
on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist
are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism,
elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines
deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own.
Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs
they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do
you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism
is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an <ethnic> woman?
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem
mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding
behind the designator <ethnic> does not absolve the joke-sender
of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it
is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any
event, the sobriquet <ethnic> implies that non-ethnics are in
some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways.
First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are
both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this
precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second,
it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular
way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to
be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since
it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with
a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes
people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an
example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted.
This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that
evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members
of certain religious groups may also find these random matings
offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel
comfortable working together at Tandem.
I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with
the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars
or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should
be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about
the competition. Simply describing their products is all the
humor that's necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees
Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to
see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and
offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having
sex with him.
That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're
the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage
of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're
arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN
in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also
contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over
improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a
violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer
say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with
my food."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A while ago, I posted a collection of quotes I plastered my door with. I've
also got these:
Here we sit, 'mongst yonder junk.
Our room smells like a skunk.
Eyes will water, and noses burn--
It's enough to make your stomach churn.
This room will give you quite a scare;
To all who enter here beware:
You'll lose all hope of breathing air!
Since the mess in this room has known antidote,
You're better off just leaving a note.
Here we sit, we're cursed liars:
No mess, no junk, no toxic fires.
Alas, dear lass: would dass to ask?
How to repent: prevent this indenting
precedent for demented impediments
with pennace?
For here we sit, 'mongst yonder space,
Void of clutter, butter, and mace.
There is no trace; we've room to pace!
So now the old is obsolete.
Bear it well, and be discrete.
Here I sit, beyonder you,
Wonder what I want to do.
Flee the bees, ski the seas,
Knee the peas, or speak Chinese--
All these would please my Pekinese.
But what I really want is poetry,
And then you really have to know a tree.
Like the maple or the birch or the elm or the oak,
And don't forget the giant artichoke.
But alas, dear lass, I have to pass,
For I know no trees and blow no breeze,
Believe me reader! I do not tease,
Deceive the dead, or weave the web,
Perceive the bed, or leave the sled!
So what I'll do no soul could guess--
I'm going to make my room a mess.
A kindly old priest, while taking his afternoon walk, sees a little boy
sitting beside a basket in the back yard of a house in the neighborhood.
The priest takes a closer look and notices that the basket contains a
mother cat and five tiny kittens, obviously just a few days old.
"Well, now," the priest says to the child, "and what kind of kittens
might those be?"
"They're Catholic kittens, Father!" says the little boy.
The priest, chuckling, pats the kid on the head and walks on.
Three weeks later, the priest is taking his walk and sees the same
little boy playing in the yard. The kittens are there, too, now
much larger and scampering around.
The priest smiles and says "Well, my little friend, what kind of
kittens did you say those were?"
"They're agnostic kittens, Father." the little boy answers.
Taken aback, the priest asks "Now, what would make you say a thing
like that?"
"Well," the boy says, "they have their eyes open now!"
Why is everyone in Alaska grinding the sights off of their handguns?
So when the Grizzly Bear gets ahold of the gun, it doesn't hurt as much
when he shoves it up uour ass!!!!
Q. Why does Ted Kennedy cry during sex?
A. Mace.
What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?
A slow poke.
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
Q: Why is the Disease Control Center changing the name of the AIDS virus ?
a: Because all the minorities keep signing up for it !
=========================================================================
(Excerpts quoted from Sept 1991 issue of MacUser)
Q: ... Periodically the screen shakes. Can this harm the hardware? ...
Andy: ... And don't forget that, according to Apple's standard warranty card,
if technicians tell you, "Oh, they all do that," you're allowed to poke them
right in the eye. ...
Bob: Excellent advice. I disagree only on one point: I don't recommend going
around poking technicians in the eye. A better technique is to loudly proclaim,
"To h*** with this! I can buy an IBM clone and Windows 3 for one-tenth the cost
of a similarly equipped Mac!" I guarantee your Mac will be fixed on the spot.
Q: ... I get a message saying, "The Application has unexpectly quit (1)." ...
Bob: ... Of course, with Systems 6.0.7 and 7, Apple has replaced the
meaningless error-ID numbers (1, 2, 12, 25, and so on) with meaningless phrases
such as "Co-processor not installed," "Bus error," and the ever-popular
"Address error." Not only are these phrases meaningful only to people who
understand the internal architecture ... but they also often have nothing to do
with the cause of the problem.
==========================================================================
ObJoke: This guy goes to Texas on vacation. (No, that's not the
punchline.) When he's ready to leave the airport, he hails a cab, but
a stretch limo pulls up. So he tells the driver he only wanted a
cab.
"This is a cab, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas."
Not bad, the guy thinks. So he gets to his hotel, and when he's
shown to his room, it's a four-room suite with jacuzzi and waterbed.
The man protests that he only wanted a single room.
"This is a single room, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas."
Better and better. After a nap, the guy goes down to the hotel
bar to have a beer before dinner. The bartender brings him a
two-quart pitcher, and the guy points out he only wanted one beer.
"This is your beer, sir. Everything's bigger in Texas."
After this beer, the guy is feeling a little tipsy, and he can't
find his way to the restaurant. He ends up falling in the hotel pool
instead. So he yells, "Don't flush!"
Q: Why don't witches have babies?
A: Because goblins have hollow weenies.
If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheeta be??
The smartest of the three.
Why weren't there any black dudes on the Flintstones??
Because they were still apes back then.
What do you say to Mike Tyson when he is all tied up?
Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga Nigga
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.
Bumper Sticker:
David Duke is A-OKKK with me!
I heard that you were feeling ill,
Headaches, Fever, and a chill,
I came to help restore your pluck,
Cause I'm the nurse who likes to ......
I just heard David Duke was thinking of running for President next
year in 1992 and I thought of a great campaign slogan:
DAVID DUKE IN 92!!!...feet of water that is...
Chi-O Chi-O is off to bed we go.
I paid my buck
I want my fuck
Chi-O Chi-o
There once was a man from Eeling
Who pounded his pud with great feeling
Then like a trout
He'd stick his mouth out
And wait for the drops from the ceiling!
The once was a woman from Decater
Who was laid by a big alligator
Now nobody knew
What became of those two
Cuz after he laid her he ate her
Little Bo Peep fucked a sheep
Blew a horse, licked his feet
She ate his ass so very nice
Tongued his balls not once but twice...
IBM stands for:
Intercourse Beats Masturbation
Inefficient But Marketable
Imperialism By Marketing
Idiots Become Managers
Insolence Breeds Mediocrity
Incredibly Brilliant Marketing
Incredibly Big Monopoly
I Became Macintosh
The latest put-down in Iran: May you win a Salmon Rushdie look-alike contest.
Also, one from Paris, I believe: May you lose all your teeth except one, and
get a toothache.
what is the object of Jewish football?
Answer: to get the quarter back.
The famous producer calls the director:
-"We're going to make a movie about the life
of Charles Aznavour. We've already got a
great actor for the leading part - Belmondo."
-"Belmondo ?", the director says surprised, "But don't
you think it would be more natural and easier if
we had Aznavour himself for that part ?"
-"Oh, no!...He's too short."
-"Honey! Hug me, please, just like Robert Redford
in that movie yesterday."
-"Like Robert Redford, you say ? Well, well, like
Robert Redford....Do you know how much he gets
for a hug like that ?"
Apropos recent events, in case you're wondering what will become
of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in
the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him
what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East
Germany.
"Oh they're all taxi drivers now", he said, "it was the obvious
solution".
"Why is that?", I asked.
"Simple", he said, "you just give them your name -- and they know
where you live."
Q. How many University Football Team players takes to screw a
light bulb?
A. Just one. But he takes 3 credits for it !
i guess irvin didn't really have a magic "johnson"?
Why are Mexican low-rider steering wheels only about 6 inches in diameter ??
So they can drive with their handcuffs on !
Q: Why do blondes tattoo their zipcode under their belly button?
A: So they can get the male into the right box.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto
Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of a tree.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Give her M&M's and tell her to put them in alpabetical order.
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
=====================================================================
MOTHER'S DICTIONARY:
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am
too.
DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children ply outside.
DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't
appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are
wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them
right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the
time you scream it
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what your do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket
aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to
not upset the children.
THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you
out.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a
sponge."
=====================================================================
Two Polacks are drving along in their truck when the y see a pig by the side
of the road. Well, this is pretty unusual, so they stop for a look.
They're sitting there when a highway patrolman rolls up in his car.
the patrolman thinks this is odd, so stops. He looks at the two poles and
says "Does this pig belong to you two?"
"No officer, we were just driving along and saw the pig here. We stopped and
were trying to figure out what to do with it."
The officer looks at them for a moment and then says " Well, since ya'll have
a truck there, why don't you put the pig in the truck and take it to the Dallas
Zoo?'
Well, the polacks figure that's a pretty good idea, and start to load the pig
up. The officer drives off, figuring things are well in hand.
A few days later, the officer is out patrolling and he sees a truck going the
opposite direction with the two poles in the front, with the pig between them
with a baseball cap on its head. The officer wheels the car around and
pulls the truck over. He goes to the cab and the polack rolls down the window.
"Boys," he says" I thought I told you two to take that pig to the zoo."
"Well, officer, we did take him to the zoo. As a matter of fact, he liked it
so much, we figured we'd take him to the Rangers game today!"
OBJ: A Polish airplane was landing at an airport. The pilots had never
been here before. The captain said to the copilot "That runway looks very
short... I'm going to have to go in at a steeper angle." A few minutes later,
the copilot observes that the runway was even shorter than they thought, and
advises an even steeper descent. When they finally land, the copilot turns
to the captain and says "that was incredible. I've never seen a runway so
short." The captain replies, "Yes, but look how *wide* it is!!"
Q: How do you have sex with a fat woman? (oops, I mean gravitationally challenged)
A: You slap her on the thigh and ride the first wave in.
Q: How do you have sex with a fat woman?
A: Roll her in flour, and look for the damp spot!
============================================================================
SEX.EROTIC.FORMULAS
===================
SpermSpill
___ ___ ___
1) Penis(hangtime) = \ 1/2 | Penis Length(erect) |
/ n | -------------------- | + Volume(ballsac)
--- | Duration(spermshoot) |
n = 1 --- ---
1/tightness(vagina)
__ __
2) Pain(penetration) = | Cock(length, diameter) + Cunt(length, diameter) |
| ----------------------------------------------- |
| % lubrication * Speed(pumping)/Grip |
-- --
3) GStringEffectiveness(male) = sac
/ __ __
( | Time(viewing) |
) | ---------------------------- | +
/ | Distance(boner sticking out) |
1 -- --
/ \
lim ( Volume(ballsac) * (length(boner) - length(limp)) )
Volume -> oo \ /
-- --
| ButtShakeFactor + BendingFactor |
4) GStringEffectiveness(female) = | ------------------------------------- |
| d/dx (length(legs)) + TanningConstant |
-- --
/ Area(buttshowing) # of men present \
* ( ----------------- + ------------------------ )
\ GStringLength Distance(butt from eyes) /
1/2 __ __
5) SacSqueeze = ((Area(ballsac) * Area(hand)) + d | Penis Length(flaccid) |
-- | --------------------- |
dx | Penis Length(erect) |
-- --
-- --
6) lim | x |
x -> SacSqueeze | ------------- |
| Pain(ballsac) |
-- --
__ * --
7) VibratorEffectiveness = length(fake cock) | # batteries + Power requirement |
----------------- * | ----------------------------------- |
depth(insertion) | VibratorSpeed * velocity(insertion) |
-- --
3 4
* Use 1x10 if AC is needed or 1x10 if diesel power is needed
__ __
| BeansConsumed + Cellulose(buttcheeks) |
8) FartIntensity = Diameter(anus) * | ------------------------------------- |
| Length(ass crack)/Ripples(analstar) |
-- --
/ +oo \
/ / \
9) LickTime = Area(tongue) * ( ( % pubic hair(male) ) + Cunt(depth)
\ ) -------------------- / ------------
\ / 1 % pubic hair(female) / Penis Length
__ __
10) HardonRate = lim | Time(SacSqueeze) * Time(stroking) | d
x -> SemenSpill | --------------- | + -- MasturbationTime
| Penis(LickTime) | dx
-- --
__ __
| / bust size |
11) NippleHeight = lim | Volume(uniboob) ( |
x -> bra cup | --------------- * ) nipplelicks + Amount(nipplehair) |
| radius(nipple) / -------------------------------- |
| 1 d/dx PussyStimulationFactor |
-- --
/ Experience(female) \
12) OrgasmIntensity = ( Diameter(PenisBase) + ------------------ ) *
\ Experience(male) /
/ lim CockCurvature \ __ __
/ x -> Cunt(depth) ------------- \ | InsertionDepth(finger in anus) |
( x ) * Rate(humping)| ------------------------------ |
\ ------------------------------- / | # ribs on condom |
\ # SexToys * VibratorSpeed / -- --
__ __
| Time(nipple rub) * Time(pussy stroke) |
13) CreamFlowRate = Area(breast) * | ------------------------------------- |
| d / Penis Length(flaccid) \ |
| -- ( --------------------- ) |
| dx \ Penis Length(erect) / |
-- --
Time(humping) *
+ -------------- * Place(load dropped)
# Penis Tweeks
* load dropped values
=====================
in pussy: 1 in mouth: 8
on pussy: 2 on face: 100
on stomach: 3 on self: -100
in ass: -5 on furniture: 0
on ass: 1
Note:
=====
The previous formula is given for one breast and one
nipple only. To obtain the true value of CreamFlowRate,
multiply the value calculated for one breast and one
nipple by:
1/2
2
The load dropped values remain the same.
-=====================================================================
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are flying in a plane.
The pilot explains to her passengers that the plane is too heavy and in
order to avoid an ugly crash, some weight needs to be removed from the
plane. After removing all the unnecessary items (baggage,etc.), the pilot
reports that the plane is still too heavy and yet more weight needs to be
removed. She then asks if any of the passengers would be brave enough to
give up their own lives to save the others. The Frenchman stands, raises
his glass,says "Viva la France!" and jumps out of the plane. This not being
enough, the Englishman stands up, raises his glass, says"Long live the
Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. Still this is not enough weight
removed so the Texan stands up, raises his glass, says "Remember the Alamo?"
and throws the Mexican out of the plane.
In the early days of baseball, there was a famous pitcher named Mel,
Mel Faimy, who played for the Milwaukee Brewers. He was the best
pitcher in the league and led his team to the world series with a .01
ERA, 4 no hitters and 2 perfect games. Well as expected the Brewers
went to the World Series. They were playing against the Brooklyn
Dodgers.
The first game Mel pitched a no hitter and the Brewers won 2-0. The
second game the Dodgers pulled out a squeaker, winning in the bottom
of the 9th on a solo home run. Again in the 3rd game the Dodgers won.
Mel pitched the 4th game so of course the Brewers won. They won the
next game, the Dodgers won the 6th.
So the Series was all tied up at three games apiece. The ace pitcher
for the Dodgers was pitching against Mel. It was tight game, the
Brewers were leading by one point. Mel was so confident of himself
he started to celebrate early. During the 7th inning stretch he
popped open a beer and started drinking. Between the next innings he
had a few more beers. As you might have guessed this had a negative
impact on his pitching.
The next batter dribbled a single down the third base line. Mel
walked the next batter and the next. With bases loaded, (Mel was
too), Mel proceeded to walk in a run! The coach came out and talked
to Mel asking if he was alright. Some how Mel convinced the coach he
was fine. The next batter came up to bat. Mel took a deep breath
and fired his patented fast ball. The batter swung and popped a
ball foul. The next pitch was a ball. Mel wound up and threw a big
arching curve, just barely missing the plate. With the count 2-1,
Mel stepped off the mound for a brief rest. He was alittle blurry
eyed by now and needed to catch his breath. He walked back to the
rubber and got ready to throw the next pitch. A scorching slider
just missed low. With the score tied, bases loaded, and the count
3-1, every one in the stands held their collective breath for the
next pitch. Mel came in with his never fail change up. The batter
swung on the pitch, but he was way out in front of it. The count was
full, the bases loaded, bottom of the 9th, and the score tied. The
scene was set for the making or breaking of heros. Our hero, Mel was
getting ready to throw the final pitch when all of a sudden the beers
he drank finally hit him. The last pitch was his fast ball. It left
his hand speeding toward the batter. Then about 10 feet in front of
the plate it took a nose dive and bounced in the dirt. Mel had
walked in the winning run!
After much jubilation on the Dodgers part, the team finally left the
field. As they pasted the Brewers bench on of the players turned and
pointed to his team mate and said, "Hey what's with all the beer cans
in the Brewers dug-out?"
"That my friend, is the beer that made Mel Faimy walk us!"
The devil calls up St.Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people
against your people."
St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're
gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here."
"Maybe so", replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!"
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have
two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you,
or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll
[ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,
"You know what to do."
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,
"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
Q: What's pink, 18 inches long, and makes a grown woman scream?
A: Crib death.
Q: How can you tell when a feminist has an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
Q: Have you heard about Evel Kenevel's newest and most dangerous stunt?
A: Riding across Ethiopia with a chicken strapped to his motorcycle.
Q: Did you hear about Miss Biafra's measurements?
A: 20-22-20
Q: Did you hear about the new Soviet BBQ joint where you don't have to pay?
A: It's called Char-No-Bill
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
Q: What does an Irish-Catholic wife say during sex?
A: "Honey, I think you should paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between an Italian Grandmother and an elephant?
A: Fifty pounds and a black dress.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican and a Mormon?
A: Someone with a thirty-day supply of stolen food in their basement.
Q: What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black man?
A: An abortion.
Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with one dog?
A: Poor.
Q: What do you call a Vietnamese family with two dogs?
A: Ranchers.
Q What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York ?
A The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men !
One of the nice things about working with Apple equipment is their delightful
sense of humor. A while ago, some of the delightful error messages from the
MPW C compiler went out on the net. They also have a series of developers' CDs
with software and interesting junk on them with great names like, "Lord of the
Files," "The Code Warrior," "Desperately Seeking Seven," "Gorilla's in the
Disk," "Bill and Ted's Excellent CD," and so on. I have meant for some time to
type in the personal ads that adorn "Desperately Seeking Seven," which are
amusing. Yesterday, while rummaging through some test code, I found a
delightful disclaimer. -- jdcc
This software has not been painstakingly tested by Apple's ruthlessly
efficient quality engineers (although it was co-written by one of them.)
Neither Apple Computer, Incorporated, nor the authors of this software
make any legally binding claim that this software will do anything in
particular besides use up valuable space on a CD or hard disk. In the
event that your use of or inability to use this software results in a
visitation from MacsBug, damage to other software or hardware, the
explosion of your Macintosh in a shower of sparks (as seen on Star Trek)
or indeed the end of Western Civilzation As We Know It, your attempts to
attach blame onto Apple Computer, Incorporated or the authors of this
software will be expensive and unsuccessful. Have a nice day.
God and the Devil are having a discussion.
God: To many spirits are sneaking into heaven from hell. I want you to stop it.
Devil: What are you going to do if I don't.
God: I'll sue you.
Devil: Yeah Right, Like you have any lawyers in heaven.
Subject: A Fundamental Offering
A cool new product was announced today. It is Digital's Data
Suppository. It is by far the very best tool we have for anal-
ysis. It relieves painful data by letting you apply the cor-
rect tools to the job. You can scope out any problem and wipe out those
annoying delays we all encounter in trying to get the straight poop on
our businesses. You can make intelligent decisions on partners and
vendors who are friends and those who are enemas. You no longer have to
be the butt of business jokes.
It is important to decide to commit to this new strategy. In some
environments such a decision takes substantial intestinal fortitude. So
we recommend that a prospect take the time to read the technical
information and digest it. But don't just sit on it.
If you have any questions, call 1-800-773-7724 (1-800-PREPARH). And
remember, we are the leaders in this technology. We will no longer
accept being number 2.
A man was hitchhiking across the country just prior to a
presidential election and had hit upon a technique for getting
free drinks in bars by guessing which candidate was less popular
and then loudly badmouthing them. He went into a bar in Colorado
and yelled, "Carter is a horse's ass!" To his surprise, he was
promptly thrown outside into the dirt. He picked himself up and
went into another bar, shouting, "Reagan is a horse's ass!" Seconds
later, he was eating dust again.
Seeing a cowboy nearby, he called out, "Hey, fella! If this ain't
Carter country and it ain't Reagan country, whose country is it?"
The cowboy replied, "Son, this is *horse* country!"
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIZZA AND A JEW?
PIZZA'S DON'T SCREAM WHEN YOU PUT THEM IN AN OVEN.
There was once a man named Ray
who made a cunt out of clay.
he Fucked it quick till it turned to brick
and pulled all his forskin away...
** every one is entitled to an opinion .... even though it is wrong...**
Q: Is Magic Johnson sure that he won't play for the Lakers anymore?
A: Yes, he's positive.
Yesterday upon the stair,
I saw a little man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
How I wish he'd go away.
Nice
Air
Show
Assholes
I remember when we used to laugh at grampa
when he would go out fishing every morning.
Of couse we didn't laugh when he brought
a whore back from town.
-Deep Thought SNL
PRANKSTERS TAKE LAWN ORNAMENT ON VACATION
PATTERSON (AP) - Florence and Pat McMorrow didn't get to travel throughout
America this summer but their elf, Rufus, did.
Rufus is a 3-foot-high lawn ornament owned by the McMorrows, of Patterson, a
community north of New York City.
Someone swiped Rufus July 9 from his usual perch on a tree stump in the
couple's front lawn. He reappeared last week with an envelope tucked under his
arm. "I'm home. Vacation pictures", a note on the envelope read.
There was Rufus on the beach in California, wearing shades. There he was in
Wyoming, wearing an Indian headdress. There he was at Wrigley Field in
Chicago, watching the Chicago Cubs. In all, there were photos of Rufus in 17
states.
Police and the McMorrow family still don't know who took the statute [sic].
"It was definitely young people," Mrs. McMorrow said. "They have some sense of
humor."
Christan Mcculuf: Ahistory teacher whos now history!
What Brand of Shampoo did Christina Use?
Head and Shoulders: Found em on the beach.
Where did the AStornauts take there vaction?
All over florida!
What was the last thing heard on the Black Box?
1. No not that button
2. I said a BUD Light!
How come NASA's official drink is now COKE?
'cause they couldn't get 7-up!
What was the last thing Christa said to her husband?
-You feed the dog and I'll feed the fish.
What's the official song of the Challenger?
-"I said a Boom-chica-Boom"
How do we know that the Shuttle program director is impotent?
-He couldn't get it up.
National
Astronaut
Scattering
Administration
Why was there only one black on the challenger?
They didn't know it was going to explode!
Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they couldn't
find a casket big enough to bury him in?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Apple: Rotten to the core.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
BEASTALITY'S BEST BOYS
========================
Chours Oh, Beastality's best boys,
Beastality's best, SHAG A WALLABIE,
Beastality's best boys,
Beastaliyy's best.
Up the hole of a mole boys,
Up the hole of a mole, SHAG A WALLABIE,
Up the hole of a mole boys,
Up the hole of a mole.
All because .....(Chours)
Sixtynine with a porkupine,
Sixtynine with a pork, SHAG A WALLABIE.
Sixtynine with a porkupine,
Sixtynine with a pork.
All because ......
Up the rear of a deer boys,
......
All because ........
Verses contiues ..
Slam your rod up a cod.
Shoot your load up a toad.
Drink the sperm of a werm(worm).
Deep throat with a goat.
In the mouth of a trout.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
