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From: [e-mail] (D Zawinski)
Newsgroups: uk.local.peterborough,uk.answers,news.answers
Subject: uk.local.peterborough FAQ
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Date: 3 May 2004 20:29:50 GMT
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Summary: Frequently asked questions about the uk.local.peterborough
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URL: http://www.faqs.org/faqs/uk/local/peterborough/

    ****************************************************************
    ****                 uk.local.peterborough                  ****
    ****               Frequently Asked Questions               ****
    ****         (with Frequently Questionable Answers)         ****
    ****  ``This is a /local/ newsgroup, for /local/ people.''  ****
    ****************************************************************

Copyright (c) 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 by the uk.local.peterborough Cabal.
This material may be distributed only subject to the terms and
conditions set forth in the Open Publication License, v1.0 or later (the
latest version is presently available at
http://www.opencontent.org/openpub/).  This material is intended for
satirical purposes only.  The uk.local.peterborough Cabal and it's
sponsors and contributors accept no liability in respect of this
document's contents, accuracy, completeness or suitability for any
particular purpose.

The uk.local.peterborough FAQ is posted every month to the newsgroups
uk.local.peterborough, uk.answers and news.answers.  The latest version
is available from the rtfm.mit.edu Usenet archive, in the directory
<ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/usenet-by-group/uk.local.peterborough/>.  (Web
archives include <http://www.faqs.org/faqs/uk/local/peterborough/> and
<http://www.cs.uu.nl/wais/html/na-dir/uk/local/peterborough.html>.)


Contents

01. Group Charter
02. Where is Peterborough?
03. Why are Peterborough people so unfriendly?
04. Are Peterborians thick, or what?
05. Why does Peterborough smell?
06. Is Peterborough jealous of Cambridge?
07. What is the correct way to pronounce ``Nene''?
08. Where can I find out about Peterborough's beautiful cathedral?
09. Where can I find out about Peterborough's beautiful passport office?
10. What is the Peterborough Beer Festival like?
11. What other festivals does Peterborough have?
12. Where are some good places to eat around Peterborough?
13. Is it true that there's only one pub in the whole of Hampton?
14. Is it true that young people have nothing to do in Hampton apart
    from stand about in a field with other young people?
15. Where can young people such as myself have some good, clean,
    harmless fun with a skateboard?
16. Why does Peterborough need more goths?
17. Is there a local Linux Users Group?
18. Is there a Peterborough IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel?
19. Is Peterborough.net part of an underground Cthulhu cult, which
    advocates the feeding of small childen to hideous Black Winged Ones?
20. Who are those odd people who walk about the city centre with bright
    orange T-shirts and radios?
21. Why are there giant cages presently around Peterborough city centre?
22. Who is this Mr Binky, and What Does He Want?
23. Who is that really huge bloke with the bandanna?
________________________________________________________________________

01. Group Charter

uk.local.peterborough is for the discussion of issues relating to
Peterborough, England.  Contributions are welcome from people who: live,
study, or work in; have an interest in the culture, history and
attractions of; or plan to visit the City.

Contributions are also welcome from those interested in neighbouring
towns and cities in the Peterborough area, where no other local group
exists.

The formal Charter for uk.local.peterborough can be found at
<http://www.usenet.org.uk/uk.local.peterborough.html>.


02. Where is Peterborough?

Peterborough lies mid-way between the East Anglian coast and the
Midlands.  People from the Midlands insist the place is nothing to do
with them as it is in fact in East Anglia; most of East Anglia denies
this, saying the place isn't their fault and it's really part of the
East Midlands.

The population of Peterborough is 150,000.  One day the people of
Cambridgeshire and Lincolnshire will unite to build a huge wall around
Peterborough, just like the one in the film ``Escape From New York''.


03. Why are Peterborough people so unfriendly?

It's true that some people think the locals are unfriendly, and often
look angry or hostile.  However, if you stay in Peterborough for long,
you will slowly fit in as you adopt the same appearance and mindset.
Peterborough people are probably so unfriendly because they have to deal
with other Peterborough people -- who are, of course, unfriendly.

The people of Peterborough are not well known for their sense of humour.


04. Are Peterborians thick, or what?

No.  Residents of Wisbech are thick; people from Peterborough are merely
uneducated and cultureless.  (The percentage of the resident workforce
of Greater Peterborough qualified to degree level or above is 30% lower
than the national workforce.)


05. Why does Peterborough smell?

Many new visitors to Peterborough comment that the place smells; some
comment that the smell is reminiscent of rotting brussel sprouts.  There
is much debate, however, on precisely what causes the stench; the sewage
works at Fengate, Pedigree Petfoods and McCains are all cited by
uk.local.peterborough posters.

Yaxley, meanwhile, has an odious odour caused by manure at the mushroom
farm at the top of the village.


06. Is Peterborough jealous of Cambridge?

Many people think Peterborians are jealous of the people of Cambridge,
but this is not the case.  Whilst we appreciate Cambridge has it's own
culture, history, thriving local economy, interesting and varied
nightlife, and bollards in the road that automagically move up and down,
we are happy for them rather than envious.  After all... we have
Queensgate.


07. What is the correct way to pronounce ``Nene''?

Not the way people from Northampton pronounce it.


08. Where can I find out about Peterborough's beautiful cathedral?

The Abbey church of Peterborough was founded in 655, and destroyed by
rowdy Danish people in 870.  Reconstructed in 972, it was apparantly
burnt down by mistake in 1116; no-one's quite sure what happened but
many folk blame the Danish for that one too.  Peterborough Cathedral is
the third abbey, founded in 1118.

Guided tours of the Cathedral and the Deanery can be organised and
customised for individual groups; but please note that even today the
people of Peterborough are very cautious around Danish people.

For full details the Peterborough Cathedral web site can be found at:
<http://www.peterborough-cathedral.org.uk/>.


09. Where can I find out about Peterborough's beautiful passport office?

One of the highlights of Peterborough, the passport office is situated
not far from the Market Car Park, and within ten minutes walk from the
train station.

The address of the passport office is: Peterborough Passport Office,
Aragon Court, Northminster Road, Peterborough, Cambridgeshire, PE1 1QG.

For more information see the United Kingdom Passport Service web site at
<http://www.ukpa.gov.uk/_4_offices/4_pborough.htm>, or call their
national call centre on 0870 521 0410.


10. What is the Peterborough Beer Festival like?

The Peterborough Beer Festival is the second largest beer festival in
the UK.  It is probably one of the few good things Peterborough has got
going for it, and features live bands and gentlemen with very large
stomaches.  It runs throughout August and is attended by more than
40,000 people each year.  For more information see
<http://www.beer-fest.org.uk/>.


11. What other festivals does Peterborough have?

The Peterborough Festival <http://www.peterboroughfestival.co.uk/> runs
around June/July each year and gives the city the chance to prove how
much better it is than Wisbech.  The Mayor of Peterborough allegedly
describes it as being ``... dead cultured and stuff, wiv lots of fings
going on, an' it's a right laugh t'be honest.''

The Willow Festival <http://www.willowfestival.co.uk/> is the region's
largest rock and pop extravaganza.  Set within the surroundings of the
Embankment of the River Nene, it is the culmination of the Peterborough
Festival, running over the final weekend.  It is possibly one of the
largest free festivals in the UK.

(It was recently announced that the Willow Festival would no longer be
running ``due to circumstances beyond our control.''  This has
displeased the uk.local.peterborough Cabal, who in turn have unleashed
shadowy machinations to ensure that there will be a festival in 2004.
Don't say your Cabal never does anything for you.)

Truckfest <http://www.truckfest.co.uk/> is good, clean road haulage fun
for all the family.  It runs in May and features some of the finest
exhibitions, products and celebrity guests from the exciting world of
road haulage.


12. Where are some good places to eat around Peterborough?

The uk.local.peterborough newsgroup is full of people with good ideas on
places to eat.  Ignoring the 90% who only recommend MacDonalds, the
following restaurants and pubs have had positive reviews:

  o Ask, Cowgate
    Typical Italian pizza/pasta restaurant liked by many.  Similar to
    Pizza Express.  Friendly staff.

  o The Bell Inn, Stilton
    Pleasant environment, excellent Stilton cheese ``dessert.''

  o The Cuckoo, Alwalton, and the Fitzwilliam Arms, Marholm
    Described as ``chain pubs'' but with good food.

  o EAST, above Charters
    Good selection of food, reasonably priced, volcano chicken
    recommended.  (Derrick also recommends their sizzling beef with
    pineapple rice, or their tempura prawns for a light snack.)

  o Fiddlesticks Restaurant, Wansford
    ``Excellent grub.''  Slightly more expensive than the Paper Mill.

  o The Fox, Folksworth
    Very good.  Can get very busy.

  o Fratelli's, Castor
    An Italian restaurant with excellent service and a nice atmosphere.
    http://groups.google.com/groups?as_umsgid=%25pusb.904%240M2.463%40newsfep4-winn.server.ntli.net

  o The George, Stamford
    Good, but pricey.  Fish and chips ``to die for.''

  o The Great Northern Hotel
    Described as ``wonderful'' and ``very posh.''

  o The Mill, Oundle
    ``Great food but they don't do their soup in a bun any more...
    Waaagh!''

  o The North A1, Lincoln Road
    Described as a high quality Thai restaurant.  ``Prices are quite
    reasonable, they have a lunchtime menu, and they've got a fish tank
    and everything.''

  o The Old Fire Engine House, Ely
    ``Good Fenland traditional food.''

  o The Paper Mill, Wansford
    ``Rather nice grub, nice surroundings, reasonable prices.''

  o The Phoenix, Fotheringay
    ``Excellent food, quite pricey.''

  o The Spice Inn, Yaxley
    An Indian restaurant, described as ``good.''

  o The Windmill, Orton Waterville
    ``Good grub, reasonable surroundings, reasonable prices.''

  o Neil Ellwood (uk.local.peterborough subscriber) is believed to make
    excellent chip butties.

For more information on restaurants around Peterborough, see
<http://www.goingouttoday.co.uk/restaurants/home.aspx?sitecode=pet>.
Also see the food and drink section of the Peterborough Community
Website <http://www.peterborough.net/lifestyle/food.asp>.


13. Is it true that there's only one pub in the whole of Hampton?

Many would argue that the Brewers Fare Pub/Travel Inn Hotel is a motel
bar rather than a bona fide public house; so it either has one pub or no
pubs depending on your point of view.  This is quite scary when you
consider that Hampton has over 5,200 houses, and claims to be the
largest new town development in Europe.  For more information see
<http://www.hampton-peterborough.co.uk/>.


14. Is it true that young people have nothing to do in Hampton apart
    from stand about in a field with other young people?

Not true.  Hampton has /lots/ of fields to choose from.


15. Where can young people such as myself have some good, clean,
    harmless fun with a skateboard?

For some serious flippey action, you need to hook up with the
Peterborough Skate Massive (PSM).  According to the Knowhere Guide
<http://www.knowhere.co.uk/3328.html>, top spots include the Y2SK8 skate
park in Fletton, the Royal public house (/outside/, that is), Stewart
House, and the train station.

The Massive have a harsh warning to many would-be young skaters,
however: ``Many spots are PSM only because we don't want our ledges
messed up!''  Before mounting up on your board, it is probably best to
politely ensure there are no territorial disputes with your fellow skate
kids.

Good luck, and may your skateboarding be ``phat and nuff stylee''.

Note: It is advisable not to get the Peterborough Skate Massive mixed up
with the Peterborough Scat Massive.  They are two very different groups
of people and have nothing in common.


16. Why does Peterborough need more goths?

Distinctive and arresting, the goth (or gothic) movement is one of
nocturnal social habits, obscure music and dark, maudlin attire.
Although difficult to calculate, some estimate that there are as little
as half a dozen goths active in Peterborough.

This would be unimportant, were it not for the fact that groundbreaking
research reveals a direct link between the number of goths within a
community and it's economic health.  For example, London is both the
United Kingdom's financial hub, and the part of the UK with the highest
goth count (GC).  Compare and contrast to the village of Maxey, which
has a much smaller economy and a much smaller GC.

With a tenfold increase in Peterborough's goth count, experts believe
the city would become the leading light in the Eastern Region; countless
benefits could be delivered, including reductions in crime and
improvements in healthcare.

Not all Peterborough residents, however, believe that an increase in the
goth populace would be a good thing.  For example, one
uk.local.peterborough poster takes the view that:

    ``... the goth posture is an unhealthy approach to life, and I
    hope in most cases it turns out to be nothing more than a phase
    for those involved.''

Another Peterborough resident defends the goth and alternative scene,
commenting:

    ``... they aren't bad kids, most wouldn't hurt a fly.''

One possible solution to the issue of goth acceptance would be the
establishment of a commune in somewhere already used to unusual-looking
people, such as Ramsey.


17. Is there a local Linux Users Group?

Yes.  The Peterborough Linux Users Group (PLUG) is an informal forum for
Linux users in and around Peterborough.  To find out about meetings,
or to join the electronic mailing list, visit the PLUG web site at
<http://www.peterboro.lug.org.uk/>.


18. Is there a Peterborough IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel?

There is a handful of us who can be found on channel #peterborough_uk on
the ChatNet network <irc://irc.eu.chatnet.org/peterborough_uk>.  There
are a few other channels on ChatNet that Peterborians show up on too
<irc://irc.eu.chatnet.org/kill_barry_fry>.  Around the late 1990's
channel #peterborough on IRCnet seemed quite popular, but it has since
fallen into disuse.

Internet Relay Chat is a form of Internet ``chat room'', popular
amoungst teenagers, sick weirdos, and investigative journalists who like
posing as sick weirdos.  For more information on IRC, including where to
download IRC client software, see <http://www.irchelp.org/>.


19. Is Peterborough.net part of an underground Cthulhu cult, which
    advocates the feeding of small childen to hideous Black Winged Ones?

Peterborough.net <http://www.peterborough.net/> is a community web
portal, featuring all manner of local news and discussions.  There is no
evidence to suggest that it might be part of an underground Cthulhu
cult which advocates the feeding of small childen to hideous Black
Winged Ones.


20. Who are those odd people who walk about the city centre with bright
    orange T-shirts and radios?

They are the Street Wardens, employed by the council as ambassadors for
the city.  The radios allow them to contact Peterborough's CCTV team,
who in turn can quickly contact the police.

When they group together, all orange with shaven heads, they look like
attendees at some kind of baked bean convention.

Incidents they deal with include everyday tourist enquiries; antisocial
behavior and alcohol ban breaches; and people having the audacity to
sell the Big Issue.


21. Why are there giant cages presently around Peterborough city centre?

It is part of a nostalgic ``Tiswas'' reconstruction.  Some time in the
near future children will be invited to volunteer parents to enter ``the
cage'', whereupon they will be soaked with water and substances such as
spaghetti and ``wunda gloo''.


22. Who is this Mr Binky, and What Does He Want?

Mr Binky, CEO of BinkCorp, is widely rumoured to be plotting to Take
Over The World.  Allegedly, he hatches his Secret And Devious
Masterplans from one of the higher points in Broadway.  His prototype
Ultimate Death Ray presently sits incomplete in a disused warehouse (2
Microsoft Way, Redmond, United States), awaiting red LEDs.

For more information on the properties of different LEDs, please see:
<http://groups.google.com/groups?as_umsgid=%3Ca0itub%24634%241%40nenevr.demon.co.uk%3E>.


23. Who is that really huge bloke with the bandanna?

Peterborough has it's very own really huge bloke who wears a bandanna.
Many people see him roaming around the town centre (and occasionally in
Yaxley) and wonder precisely who he is; few dare approach him to find
out.  The only thing people are sure of is that he's been roaming about
for over a decade, and no-one can ever recall seeing him /not/ wearing a
bandanna.

The really huge bloke's name is Giles.  It's known he went to
Peterborough Regional College and studied music; after several years he
resigned himself to the fact that he didn't have much musical talent and
took a course in Media Studies instead.  He's believed to now make rock
videos.

Giles speaks with an American accent, but this was not always the case.
He lived in America as child, but only picked up his present accent upon
revisiting.

We are assured that despite the fact he's really huge and wears a
bandanna, Giles is actually a very nice chap.  The next time you see
him, instead of quaking in fear, feel free to approach him and say,
``Hey, you're Giles, aren't you?  I've read about you on the Internet!''

(Thanks to Timothy Rayner for helping us answer this question.)

________________________________________________________________________

98% of Manchester United supporters have never visited Manchester.  98%
of Peterborough United supporters have never been outside Peterborough.

________________________________________________________________________