home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search
- Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!dreaderd!not-for-mail
- Message-ID: <personals/gayfaq/part1_1084363323@rtfm.mit.edu>
- Supersedes: <personals/gayfaq/part1_1083410562@rtfm.mit.edu>
- Expires: 5 Jun 2004 12:02:03 GMT
- X-Last-Updated: 1999/09/08
- Organization: none
- From: nssf@greatwildwest.net
- Newsgroups: alt.personals,alt.personals.bi,alt.personals.misc,alt.personals.motss,alt.answers,news.answers
- Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.EDU
- Subject: Usenet Personals: Advice for Gay Men FAQ (Part I of II)
- Followup-To: alt.personals
- Reply-To: nssf@greatwildwest.net
- Summary: This two-part posting contains a list of Frequently Asked
- Questions by users of Internet personal ads. Its primary
- target is the alt.personals.* newsgroup hierarchy, but it
- is appropriate to any Usenet personals groups and World
- Wide Web-based personals services. It is intended
- primarily for gay males, but others may benefit.
- Originator: faqserv@penguin-lust.MIT.EDU
- Date: 12 May 2004 12:03:26 GMT
- Lines: 850
- NNTP-Posting-Host: penguin-lust.mit.edu
- X-Trace: 1084363406 senator-bedfellow.mit.edu 564 18.181.0.29
- Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.personals:366300 alt.personals.bi:182215 alt.personals.misc:88153 alt.personals.motss:35279 alt.answers:72855 news.answers:271197
-
- Archive-name: personals/gayfaq/part1
- Posting-Frequency: bi-weekly
- Last-modified: 1999/09/05
- Version: 7
- URL: http://www.greatwildwest.net/nssf
-
- ===========================================
-
- THE NOT-SO-STRAIGHT FAQ: One gay male's thoughts and advice on successful
- use of Internet personals, by Fred Young, with Dean Esmay
-
- First Edition: August 17, 1995
- Seventh Edition: September 5, 1999
-
- This FAQ is also available on the World Wide Web at
- http://www.greatwildwest.net/nssf
-
- This entire document is Copyright 1995-1999 by Dean Esmay and Fred
- Young. Permission is hereby granted to make and distribute verbatim
- copies of this document provided the copyright notice and this permission
- notice are preserved on all copies, and that all copies are reprinted in
- full and without modification. To discuss permission for other forms of
- copying or reprinting, please write to Fred Young at
- nssf@greatwildwest.net and Dean Esmay at esmay@syndicomm.com.
-
- ===========================================
-
- CONTENTS
- --------
- i) NOTE FROM DEAN ESMAY, AUTHOR OF THE STRAIGHT FAQ
- ii) A SHORT INTRODUCTION
-
- 1.1 Does anyone ever meet anyone from here? Is this for real or what?
- 1.2 Are all the men who use online personals desperate, fat, ugly, or
- computer nerds?
- 1.3 Okay, You've made me curious. Where can I go to check out personal
- ads on the 'Net?
- 1.4 Okay, I've looked through a bunch of personal ads and it seems like
- there's tons of ads for sex. What's the deal? Is that all everyone
- is really looking for?
- 1.5 What do all these abbreviations like "ISO" and "SWM" and "G*M" and
- "SWCF" mean?
- 1.6 How do I write my own ad?
- 1.7 I have a problem with weight. What do I do about this?
- 1.8 What about age? I may be too old to find anyone.
- 1.9 That's all well and good. But how about specific tips for gay men?
- 1.10 I posted my ad over and over again and never got much response.
- What gives?
- 1.11 He wrote me! He wrote me! He wrote me!!! OMIGOD! What do I do?
- 1.12 Anything I should look out for?
- 1.13 How much should I worry about meeting someone dangerous this way?
- 1.14 How can I assure someone that I'm not crazy or dangerous?
- 1.15 We've traded mail and talked on the phone and things are going
- really well!! What do I do when we meet??
- 1.16 Okay, how do we plan a first meeting?
-
- Other General/Miscellaneous Questions (in Part II)
-
- 2.1 Why aren't there separate USENET groups for straight and for gay
- people, men looking for women, men looking for men, women looking
- for women, etc.?
- 2.2 With the current configuration, how may we make better use of the
- cluttered space in the alt.personals.* newsgroups?
- 2.3 Are there any OTHER LOCATIONS to place gay personals on the
- Internet?
- 2.4 Some people keep talking about using "Kill" files to avoid seeing
- messages you don't like. What the heck is a "Kill" file anyway?
- 2.5 What's the deal with all these messages from "Anon." Mail Addresses?
- 2.6 Why would anyone post anonymously? Are they weirdos or what?
- 2.7 What about e-mail privacy?
- 2.8 Some person has posted something really rude in response to me, or
- is picking on me. What do I do?
- 2.9 I got some really nasty, crude, rude, or threatening E-Mail. What
- do I do?
- 2.10 Okay, I didn't get any vicious or threatening mail, but I did get
- something just plain weird. What about that?
- 2.11 Anything else you want to tell me?
-
- -------------------------------------------
-
- i) NOTE FROM DEAN ESMAY, AUTHOR OF THE STRAIGHT FAQ:
-
- When I wrote the first edition of THE STRAIGHT FAQ, a popular document to
- help men and women meet each other online, it was much shorter than the
- version currently in circulation. More than half of that document was
- taken up with advice for men on how to deal with the apparent shortage of
- women, and on how a man could attract a woman's attention in a crowded
- field, with some supplemental info for women on how to deal with the
- opposite problem. Thus it was called "The Straight FAQ," because
- obviously gay men would not care about disparity in numbers between men
- and women, and would not care about advice on how to attract the opposite
- sex, some of which probably wouldn't apply to them, or would be just
- different enough to make my advice wonky or nonsensical. However, I was
- always open to having someone with experience in the gay community help me
- write a FAQ for gay people, and after many months of asking online for
- someone to help, Fred Young finally stepped forward.
-
- Fred's done a remarkable job here; sometimes, by changing only a very few
- words, he manages to take something I wrote take on a whole new meaning.
- He also does a great job of seamlessly snipping out stuff that I wrote
- that isn't relevant, while continuing with the same narrative flow.
- Indeed, there are places where I can't tell where my words end and Fred's
- begin.
-
- As with The Straight FAQ, this FAQ has some limitations. It is written
- to help gay men, but it doesn't speak to lesbians, who undoubtedly could
- use much of this advice, but for whom some advice may apply differently,
- and for whom other advice we haven't thought of here might be appropriate.
-
- Similarly, we can't address things like those with an interest in S&M,
- bondage, bestiality, threesomes, etc. Trying to address every possible
- permutation of human matings is simply impossible. But my hope is that
- people who want serious monogamous relationships find use of this FAQ, or
- The Straight FAQ. I will also say that if anyone wants to do a FAQ for
- lesbians, bisexuals, or whatever, I'll be happy to lend my support; just
- shoot me a note and we'll talk.
-
- With that, I'll let you move on to read Fred Young's excellent Not-So-
- Straight FAQ. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to
- write either Fred and/or myself.
-
- Otherwise, enjoy!
-
- Dean Esmay
- 7 September 1995
-
-
- ii) A SHORT INTRODUCTION:
-
- I first began using Usenet personals back in early 1995. After
- experimenting with traditional newspaper advertisements, I thought I would
- try this as a new way of meeting people. Most newspapers have done away
- with the traditional mailbox-type ads in favor of voice services which,
- in my opinion, are very expensive.
-
- Upon reading Dean Esmay's STRAIGHT FAQ, a FAQ with advice for
- heterosexuals, I contacted him to see if he wished to incorporate certain
- information in his FAQ for gay men, mainly with suggestions on how
- heterosexuals and homosexuals may share the alt.personals.* newsgroups
- without getting in each others' way. After a brief discussion, we decided
- to write this NOT-SO-STRAIGHT FAQ. You will find many similarities
- between this document and the original STRAIGHT FAQ.
-
- Please note that this FAQ is written by a gay male for gay men. It may
- apply to those who are bi or lesbian, but I don't feel qualified to
- comment on it. There are probably issues to lesbians and bisexuals (or
- other groups) which neither Mr. Esmay nor I are qualified to comment upon.
- But I think much of this will apply universally. Perhaps some time
- someone can help us to create FAQs for other groups. I do suggest that
- heterosexuals reference Dean Esmay's original STRAIGHT FAQ, instead of
- this document.
-
- Any suggestions, criticisms, comments, questions, or proposed additions on
- this FAQ should be sent via e-mail to myself at nssf@greatwildwest.net or
- to Dean Esmay at esmay@syndicomm.com.
-
- So anyway, let's get started, shall we?
-
- -=-=-=-=-
-
- 1.1 Q: Does anyone ever meet anyone from here? Is this for real or what?
-
- A: Absolutely. Dean Esmay, author of The Straight FAQ, married a very
- nice woman whom he met in online personals. I've heard success
- stories from all sorts of other folks, and much of this FAQ is
- devoted to helping you figure out how to make it happen for you.
-
-
- 1.2 Q: Are all the men who use online personals desperate, fat, ugly, or
- computer nerds?
-
- A: From personal experience, I can give you a definite "no" to this
- one. At least, I don't think I am any of the above.
-
- There are many reasons for people to use online personals. It may
- be that he can't meet guys any other way. But it may also be that
- he is really gorgeous and wants a chance to meet a guy who'll get
- to know him before finding out what he looks like. It may be that
- he's shy - some of us might not want to admit it, but some men are
- shy too. It may be that he has a busy career and has no other
- good way of meeting people. It may be that he is highly
- intelligent and has a difficult time finding intelligent men in
- his everyday life. It may be that he's stuck in the middle of
- nowhere with few identifiable gay men around. Maybe he's just
- trying this for the fun of it to see what happens. Or maybe he
- just likes computers.
-
- There are many good reasons to use online personals services. As
- more people are getting online, the types of people using such
- services are getting more diverse everyday.
-
-
- 1.3 Q: Okay, You've made me curious. Where can I go to check out personal
- ads on the 'Net?
-
- A: Your two biggest options right now are one of the many Web based
- services and the Usenet newsgroups.
-
- For Usenet, you should look for newsgroups in the alt.personals.*
- hierarchy. For a comprehensive list of Usenet newsgroups and for
- general Usenet information, visit the web site at
- http://metalab.unc.edu/usenet-i/
-
- By the way, I strongly advise you to post your ad to as many
- groups as may apply to you. So, for example, if you're in
- Chicago, you should post to both chi.personals and alt.personals.
- This broadens your exposure.
-
- On the other hand, there is currently a problem of people posting
- to groups which are not appropriate for them, solely for the
- purpose of getting more responses. The biggest problem appears to
- be in the regional groups, with people posting from all over the
- country (or world!) into groups with no connection with them
- whatsoever--for example, people in Dallas posting to New York City
- and Bay Area groups even though they don't live there and rarely
- travel there.
-
- To be blunt, doing this makes you look like a major dork.
-
- I recommend posting to as many groups as reasonably apply to
- you--but no more than that.
-
- There are also, by the way, a number of interesting "singles" news
- groups. These are not the place to post personal ads (in fact, if
- you post personal ads there you're likely to get flamed), but they
- might be a good place to meet others and get advice on the dating
- scene.
-
- There are also region-specific singles groups, which you might
- look for on your news server. But remember, don't post personal
- ads to "singles" or "romance" groups -- you'll just get in trouble
- if you do.
-
- Finally, if any of the above groups strikes your fancy, but your
- Usenet provider doesn't carry it, I recommend writing to your
- system administrator and requesting them. Most places will carry
- any or all of these groups if you just ask for them.
-
- Now, as for World Wide Web sites, there are a ton. (Refer to
- section 2.3 in this FAQ.)
-
-
- 1.4 Q: Okay, I've looked through a bunch of personal ads and it seems
- like there's tons of ads for sex. What's the deal? Is that all
- everyone is really looking for?
-
- A: Some people post ads looking for sex, extra-marital affairs, or
- pornographic e-mail. If that's what you're looking for, that's
- your business, but I have no advice for you other than "be
- careful," especially protecting yourself from sexually transmitted
- diseases. However, the fact is that there are tons of people who
- are looking for much more than that. It is for those of us who
- are looking for something more meaningful that this FAQ is
- dedicated. Don't let all the sex ads fool you; such people aren't
- really the majority of Internet personals users, though sometimes it
- may appear that way.
-
-
- 1.5 Q: What do all these abbreviations like "ISO" and "SWM" and "G*M" and
- "SWCF" mean?
-
- A: Not everyone uses these abbreviations, but, they are a common
- shorthand for indicating marital status, race, sex, religion, and
- a few other common things. The most prominently used ones include:
-
- S = Single
- D = Divorced
- M = Married
- W = Widowed (rare)
-
- J = Jewish
- C = Christian
-
- W = White
- B = Black
- A = Asian
- H = Hispanic
-
- M = Male
- F = Female
-
- G = Gay
- Bi = Bisexual
- Bi-Curious = Someone curious about bisexuality and thinking
- about giving it a try.
-
- * = Any
-
- The positioning works as follows: First marital status, then
- religion (if any given), then race, then sex. Usually what you get
- is three, such as:
-
- GWM - Gay White Male
- SWF - Single White Female
-
- An M or a W are used to indicate marital status. In this case they
- are always in the first position:
-
- MHM - Married Hispanic Male
- WWF - Widowed White Female
-
- Religious affiliation is fairly rare, but when you do see it, it
- usually comes just before or after racial type, such as:
-
- SCWF - Single Christian White Female
- SWCF - Single White Christian Female
-
- For whatever reason, Judaism and Christianity are the only
- religions commonly abbreviated at this time; if you're of another
- religion, I suggest not trying to abbreviate, as you'll probably
- just confuse people.
-
- Sometimes you'll just see "SF" or "SM" for Single Male or Single
- Female. This means the person doesn't want to indicate race. You
- may also see something like "S*F" or "S*M". This is just another
- way of saying race is irrelevant to the person.
-
- Other abbreviations you might see include:
-
- ISO = In Search Of
- FTA = Fun, Travel, and Adventure
- POZ = HIV+
- Soulmate = Someone I can be completely intimate with who will
- be with me forever and ever, my perfect mate, my
- special lover and friend for life.
-
- So. Here's common things you'll see:
-
- GWM ISO G*M for FTA
- (Gay White Male In Search Of Fun/Travel/Adventure with Gay Male of
- any race.)
-
- Finally, all of these are often concatenated with age and/or
- location. Such as:
-
- BOSTON SWM, 42, ISO GWM, 25-40
- (Single White Male, 42 years old, living in Boston and In
- Search Of a Gay White Male, age 25 to 40.)
-
- Not everyone uses these abbreviations, but a lot of people do,
- because they make it easy for people to spot you and know if
- you're at least in the ballpark of what they're looking for. You
- may see variations on these abbreviations that you don't
- recognize, but usually you can figure it out from the context once
- you get the trick of it.
-
-
- 1.6 Q: How do I write my own ad?
-
- A: Ah, there's a whole lot to be said here, and the advice can vary a
- lot from person to person. I'll concentrate on general advice for
- the moment, and on what I personally think:
-
- There is nothing more frustrating for the personals user than to
- spend ten minutes reading an ad that sounds very interesting, only
- to find out near the end that the person wants someone of a
- different age, or body type, or that the person lives much too far
- away to think about a relationship with.
-
- So, do yourself and everyone else a favor and start every ad with
- the basics about yourself. The basics include:
-
- - Your Gender
- - Your Age
- - Where you Live
- - Your Race
- - What you are Basically Looking For
-
- And the best place to put all this is in your subject line. It
- saves an enormous amount of time for everybody.
-
- Some people are big fans of cute and creative subject lines. For
- example:
-
- CUTIE SEEKS MUTANT. LET'S TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!
-
- Now this is pretty funny, and pretty clever. Unfortunately, if
- this was from a White Female, aged 42, who only wanted black men
- in their 40s in Boston, I'd waste a lot of time reading this ad,
- because I'm not straight, I'm not black, I'm under 40, and I don't
- live anywhere near Boston. Why not make it easy on me and start
- with:
-
- Bostonian SWF, 42, ISO SBM, 40-50, for romance
-
- Then make the first line of your ad say: "I'm a cutie looking for
- another mutant, so we can take over the universe!" Another
- example might be:
-
- Bostonion Cutie seeks Mutant (SWF, 42, ISO SBM 40-50)
-
- Now some of this advice is less necessary on Web services that
- automatically categorize you by your gender and so on. But the
- point still remains that your subject line should communicate as
- much as possible about who you are and what you're looking for. By
- making sure it does, you will not only be doing everyone who would
- not be interested in you a favor, but you will increase the
- likelihood of someone who does want to meet you of actually
- reading your ad.
-
- All right, you've given a nice, concise, descriptive title to your
- message. Now you need to put some thought into the ad itself. The
- general advice I can give here is:
-
- 1. DON'T RUSH. You have plenty of time to write this. Make it
- good.
-
- 2. Put some effort into spelling & punctuation, and try not to
- ramble. You want to make a good impression.
-
- 3. Be clear about what you want and what you don't want. If you're
- picky about something, it's better to say so in your ad than to
- let someone down later. "Please, if you're overweight, don't
- respond" may seem cruel or thoughtless, but if that's the way
- it is for you, say so. It is much, much kinder than developing
- a relationship with someone who you have to let down later than
- just telling it like it is up front. What's better,
- disappointing someone before they waste their time getting to
- know you, or after they've gotten their hopes up?
-
- 4. Be honest about your own shortcomings. Don't harp on them,
- but man, avoid discomfort for yourself and others and just let
- them know up front who and what you are and are not. Saying you
- don't want long-term commitment, or that you're overweight, or
- that you have kids, or that you have bad skin, or that you have
- no fashion sense, or that you want marriage and kids, will be
- lots better than getting close to someone who finds out later
- and wishes they hadn't bothered with you.
-
- 5. Be as honest as possible. Lies will only get you in trouble
- later.
-
- 6. Do your best to be totally sincere. Insincerity frequently
- shows, even if you're not aware of it. True sincerity usually
- shines through and is much more attractive to most people.
-
- 7. Take as much space as you need.
-
- This last one is an issue on which there is some disagreement.
-
- These days, most people have inexpensive Internet access. Even
- for those who don't, most have news reading software which will
- let them screen the subject lines and note the length of an
- article before downloading it. Don't set out to write a book,
- but remember: space is cheap, and the one way in which most
- online personals are much better than newspapers is that you
- can take as much space as you need.
-
- There is no better way to give an impression of who you are and
- what you're like than by taking your time and trying to write
- something that really tells who you are, what you want out of
- life, and what you're looking for. Your writing style will tell
- people a lot about you, too.
-
- On the other hand you want to try not to be too long either. If
- you ramble too much, or make a huge shopping list of everything
- you want and don't want, you're going to bore people or come
- across as demanding and picky. It's a fine line to tread - if
- your ad is too short, it doesn't say enough and you're ignored;
- if it's too long, you bore people and are ignored. So, you
- have to do your best to avoid both extremes - or write just
- exactly as much as you think you need to say, and not one word
- more than that.
-
- This applies to postings on Usenet only:
-
- If your news reader supports the "Distribution" field, it will
- be helpful if you are looking for people from a specific area
- to limit your post's distribution. Here's some examples of
- valid values for the "Distribution" field:
-
- Value For Distributing To
- ----- -------------------
- usa U.S.A.
- na North America
- two-letter state abbreviation a particular State
- local over a very small local area
-
- NOTE: Not all news machines correctly handle distribution
- lines, so it is still possible for articles to "leak" out of
- their target area. As with any feature, you are encouraged to
- check with your local system for the proper use of distribution
- lines as well as legitimate values to specify for the
- distribution area.
-
-
- 1.7 Q: I have a problem with weight. What do I do about this?
-
- A: If you are obese, just say so in your ad. Don't be afraid of
- this. You're preparing yourself and whoever you meet for a letdown
- if you're not blunt on this subject. If you're fat, just say,
- "Hey, I have a husky build" or "I'm John Goodman sized" or
- something like that. Or just say "I'm fat." The point is, be
- honest!
-
- On the other hand, if you find fatness unattractive, you would do
- well to say so directly in your ad. It may seem cruel to be so
- direct, but in fact you are much more likely to hurt someone much
- worse if they become very attracted to you, and only then find out
- that you are not interested just because they are overweight.
- This will hurt them much worse than anything you can say in your
- ad about how you don't want anyone too heavy.
-
- We live in a culture that values physical fitness, especially with
- gay men. But there are a lot, and I mean a whole lot, of people
- out there who genuinely do not care about weight. There are even
- a good number of people out there who like the husky build.
-
- So if you don't like fat, say so right up front. But if you are
- fat yourself, don't be timid about it. Don't weasel around the
- subject, unless you look forward to the prospect of embarrassment,
- disappointment, and painful feelings all around. And if you're
- fat, remember that lots of people will love you even if you're
- fat, maybe will even prefer a chubby person, but you're not giving
- them a chance if you don't tell them you're fat right up front.
-
- Say it over and over again: Honesty, honesty, honesty!
-
-
- 1.8 Q: What about age? I may be too old to find anyone.
-
- A: Relax; your attitude is far more important than your age. From
- what I've seen, there are people of all ages online. And nowadays,
- it is not uncommon for older men who were married to women for
- cultural or other reasons to be out looking for male
- companionship.
-
- Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself because you're over a
- certain age and single. Just post. There's someone out there for
- you. Really! Just remember, again and again, be honest, be sincere,
- be specific about what you want, and be patient!
-
-
- 1.9 Q: That's all well and good. But how about specific tips for gay men?
-
- A: Glad you asked.
-
- Okay men, we have a small problem. Straight men outnumber any
- other group in the general alt.personals.* newsgroups. Later in
- this FAQ, I will shed a few ideas on how we may better identify
- ourselves in the postings to save everybody time.
-
- Men are generally more inclined to post ads than women, and this
- includes gay men. But for those who are very closeted, even
- through anonymous services, it might be extremely difficult and
- nerve wrecking to even think of posting an ad... but many of these
- same people will respond to your ad if they see it. It is thus
- always worthwhile to post your own ad, because it greatly
- increases your likelihood of meeting others. Muster up the
- courage and just do it!
-
- And when you do post an ad, try to keep the following in mind:
-
- 1. Follow all the advice I have given so far. It's all very
- important.
-
- 2. Don't sound desperate. The old rule is very true: the harder
- you look for a boyfriend, the harder one will be to find. Be
- patient, and avoid sounding pathetic, excessively horny, or
- desperate. It will not help.
-
- 3. Be patient. One ad may net you no responses at all. If you're
- extremely lucky, you may get as many as a dozen responses. More
- likely, you will get from one to three.
-
- 4. Be prepared to post your ad again. Do not expect one ad to get
- you lots of responses. Instead, prepare yourself for a bit of
- a wait. Post your ad once, and see what happens. Wait a
- couple of weeks, and post it again. You may want to "tweak" or
- fine tune it each time you re-post it. If you aren't getting
- many responses, you may want to re-write it. But in any case,
- keep posting it until you get a response.
-
- The readership of Usenet personals groups, especially of the
- alt.personals.* hierarchy, changes on a regular basis. Some
- people only come in once in a while, some may only come in once
- every few months, some may come in only once ever! Even
- regular readers may not notice your ad the first few times they
- see it.
-
- The thing to remember is that the audience is NOT static.
- There is a constant influx of new people, and there's a
- constant outflow, too. So, while you may not find anyone at
- first, if you're patient and you keep at it, chances are very
- good you'll eventually get some nibbles.
-
- 5. Don't post your ad too often in the same place. This may seem a
- contradiction, but it's not. If people see ad after ad from
- you, you may look desperate or stupid, or at least annoying.
- Also, if you're using the Usenet, it can take as long as two
- weeks for a message to be completely distributed to all Usenet
- sites, so don't post much more often than that. Posting a new
- ad once every ten to fourteen days seems the most reasonable
- schedule.
-
- TO SUM IT ALL UP: write a good, creative, intelligent, and
- thoughtful ad that's specific about what you do and don't want.
- Take all the space you need to get it right, but don't ramble;
- remember that too long is as bad as too short. Post it every
- couple of weeks in several different places, tweaking it now and
- then, and trying various experiments to see what works and
- doesn't. Keep posting ads until you are positive you've got a
- serious relationship going with someone. And most of all, just be
- patient, with yourself and others.
-
-
- 1.10 Q: I posted my ad over and over again and never got much response.
- What gives?
-
- A: There are several things to look at. First off, your ad may not
- be very good. Consider re-writing it. Ask friends, or others in
- alt.personals, if they have any criticisms or can help you improve
- it.
-
- On the other hand, if you live somewhere that isn't in or near a
- large population center, you may have real trouble. On the
- gripping hand, you're no worse off in alt.personals than anywhere;
- if you live somewhere without a lot of people, then you're going
- to have trouble meeting people no matter what method you use.
- Just think of this as just one more way of meeting people (among
- many others), be patient and do your best.
-
-
- 1.11 Q: He wrote me! He wrote me! He wrote me!!! OMIGOD! What do I do?
-
- A: Simmer down. All the gentleman did was think your ad was
- interesting and send you some e-mail. He's not ready to jump into
- your arms. He's just given you a nibble. It's up to both of you
- to make it work from here. And remember, if this doesn't work
- out, there will be others, if you have a good ad and are just
- patient!
-
- Here are some important things to keep in mind:
-
- Don't question it: he is interested in you, or he wouldn't have
- answered your ad. So, get over your insecurities. He's a gay (or
- bi) man looking for a man, and you sound interesting to him. Now
- you just have to see whether you're interested in him, and whether
- there's enough of what he wants in you to sustain his interest.
-
- But here's the important thing: be patient. Yeah, once you get a
- response, you have to be patient again.
-
- Don't push to get his phone number. Don't push for a face-to-face
- meeting. Don't whine about your personal problems.
-
- Instead, be positive, be friendly, and be polite. Ask him about
- himself, and tell a bit more about yourself. Listen to what he
- wants. Ask him questions. Encourage him to ask you about
- anything he might be curious about. Find out about him without
- being nosy -- don't ask for his address.
-
- Don't pester him with lots of e-mail. If he takes a couple of
- days to respond to one of your letters, sit on your fingers and
- wait. If it's been more than three or four days, you might try
- one letter to the effect of "hey, where'd you go?" but that's it.
- If you don't hear anything more, either he doesn't want to talk to
- you, or he's not reading his e-mail anymore.
-
- Keep this in mind: it's scary to go away for a few days and to
- come back and find a dozen plaintive, "Oh, where oh where did you
- go?" letters. It just makes you look desperate and weird.
-
- All in all, the most important thing to remember in this situation
- is that it is easy to scare someone away, especially if he is not
- completely comfortable about his sexual orientation. If he thinks
- you're a weirdo, or a psychotic, or a pathetic, lonely loser, he's
- going to walk away. (And by the way, if you are a pathetic,
- lonely loser, stop it. Find something else to do with your time
- and realize that the only way you're going to get a partner is if
- you stop assuming you'll never get one.)
-
- Now, besides all this, you need to remember something even more
- important: you both need time for a relationship to develop, so
- you actually have something to talk about when finally you do
- meet. Rushing to meet someone and suddenly finding you have
- nothing to talk about can be very uncomfortable.
-
- If you are an impatient man, you might as well not bother posting.
- You'll get nowhere.
-
-
- 1.12 Q: Anything I should look out for?
-
- A: As with anybody, male or female, gay or straight, you do have to
- be cautious. Answering an ad might get you a psychotic, or
- someone who's dishonest with you.
-
- The single biggest hazard is probably those strange creatures out
- there who post messages pretending to be what they aren't. There
- are people (women and men!) who post messages pretending to be
- gorgeous and provocative when they're nothing of the sort in real
- life.
-
- It's also possible you'll wind up corresponding with someone
- criminal or dangerous somehow. Don't be paranoid, because every
- method of meeting people carries risks. But do be sensible!
-
- Don't get your heart crushed by a liar; use caution, and don't buy
- too much of anything until you actually meet the person face-to-
- face, or at least a phone call. Watch for the warning signs of
- someone yanking your chain, or wrapped up in their own fantasies
- and not really paying attention to who you are. Don't fall in
- love or get your heart ripped out by someone who may just be a
- fantasy-man (or woman). Don't be paranoid, but make sure you don't
- expect too much until you actually meet the other person face-to-
- face.
-
-
- 1.13 Q: How much should I worry about meeting someone dangerous this way?
-
- A: You shouldn't worry all that much about it. Most people aren't
- really dangerous, after all.
-
- Still, while I hesitate to put it this way, let's be blunt: we're
- all going to be very depressed the first time we hear about
- someone who gets raped or killed by some psychopath or homophobe
- who posted (or answered) an ad. And I'd much rather you not be
- that person.
-
- Now, don't let that make you paranoid! Remember, you can meet
- hurtful, malicious, or just plain evil people anywhere: in a bar,
- on the streets, even through friends. There's no way you can get
- through life without some risk of meeting someone who will hurt
- you. However, in every situation, there are ways to minimize your
- risks, and online personals are no exception. Use common sense in
- any of your dealings with anyone you meet through personals, but
- probably the most important thing to remember is this:
-
- Before you meet, or even give your phone number or address to,
- anyone, make sure that person is willing to give you the same
- information. Especially if you are dealing with someone using an
- anonymous e-mail address!
-
- Also, be sure to check with your system administrators to see if
- they keep your personal information in WAIS or Ph or other
- publicly-accessible forms so that others can find out about your
- address or other info through your e-mail address. Most systems
- are far more secure than that these days, but some systems are
- more careless about these things. Be sure your info is not
- publicly available when you begin posting (and that's for
- posting anywhere, not just personals groups!).
-
-
- 1.14 Q: How can I assure someone that I'm not crazy or dangerous?
-
- A: Sometimes, people will initially be excited about the romantic
- nature of an e-mail relationship, but then will get spooked when
- the reality hits that they actually have to meet the other party.
-
- Here are a few tips:
-
- 1. Don't press for a meeting. Be patient, trade mail with him for
- a while, and allow the relationship to develop before you try
- to meet.
-
- 2. Don't press for his phone number. If he offers it to you,
- great, but I have successfully arranged face-to-face meetings
- through e-mail. Though I must admit that it is often better to
- speak through the phone before meeting, and I do advise it,
- it's not strictly necessary, especially if the other man is
- nervous.
-
- Just remember: use common sense, make sure you know as much as
- possible about someone before meeting. If possible, leave a note
- to a family member or close friend with information about the
- meeting (who you're meeting, where you're going, what time you'll
- be home or a time you'll call to check in, etc.). And remember,
- if you're harassed, threatened, or whatever, contact the
- appropriate authorities.
-
- Chances are very good that nothing horrible will ever happen to
- you, so don't get paranoid. Just remember, everything in life
- carries risk; the healthy way to react to risk is with common
- sense and reasonable precautions, not paranoia.
-
-
- 1.15 Q: We've traded mail and talked on the phone and things are going
- really well!! What do I do when we meet??
-
- A: First off, calm down. I've been through this and talked to others
- who've been through it, and the first, most important thing to
- remember is, don't go building up big hopes and dreams until you
- meet!
-
- Until you actually meet someone, it's very easy to build up big
- fantasies in your head about how the person looks, stands, walks,
- etc. You can't help doing just a little of this, but try not to,
- and keep in mind that what you do visualize will probably be very
- different from reality.
-
- It's also very easy to think you've fallen for someone you haven't
- even met. Don't do this! Meet first! Don't go thinking that just
- because you've exchanged a lot of e-mail and talked on the phone
- that you've found your dream love. Most especially don't go
- throwing your heart in and confessing True Love until you've
- actually met.
-
- Many online relationships happen very quickly and very fast, and
- it's easy to sucker the other person, or yourself, into believing
- you have something there that you don't. Take your time and
- realize that when you do meet, it may not be there for you, or it
- may not be there for the other person.
-
- On the other hand, if you meet and things don't go well, I also
- advise not immediately giving up. Sometimes it takes time to
- adjust to meeting this person "in real life" that you've gotten
- to know so well in e-mail. Remember, that person you got to know
- online is still in there, but may not be visible at first.
-
- So again, what's the thing to have, everyone? That's it, you've
- got it:
-
- PATIENCE!
-
-
- 1.16 A: Okay, how do we plan a first meeting?
-
- Q: I recommend picking a safe, neutral spot, and just sitting down
- over coffee, or perhaps light dinner at a casual restaurant.
- Emphasize that your first meeting will be for just that, meeting.
- Don't expect much more than that you'll sit down, get used to
- what the other person looks like, maybe have a bite to eat, then
- go home.
-
- In some regions, it may not be very comfortable to talk about
- gay-specific matters in public. In such case, I still recommend to
- meet in a safe public area - a museum, a park, or a restaurant with
- secluded booths. Then, if it seems appropriate, move to a more
- private location. Use Common Sense!
-
- And if it doesn't work out, or the other person decides at the
- last minute not to meet you, hey, that's okay! It happens to
- practically everyone! And who on Earth said you're the perfect
- someone for everyone you meet anyway? Who said that everyone you
- meet is the perfect someone for you? At minimum, you should have
- made a new friend this way; maybe more will develop, or maybe it
- won't. Stay calm, don't expect much, but be open to whatever
- might happen. And, enjoy your new friend!
-
-
- OTHER GENERAL / MISCELLANEOUS QUESTIONS
- =======================================
-
- ... Continued in Part II ...
-
-
-
-
-
-