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- From: glogan@atk.com (Gloria Logan)
- Newsgroups: misc.kids.info,misc.answers,news.answers
- Subject: misc.kids FAQ on Temper Tantrums
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- Last-Modified: March 21, 1996
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- Misc.kids Frequently Asked Questions
- Temper Tantrums
-
- =====================================================================
- Collection maintained by: Gloria Logan (glogan@atk.com)
- Last updated: March 21, 1996
- =======================================================================
- Copyright 1996, Gloria Logan. Use and copying of this information are
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- use, copies or access to this information, and (2) this copyright
- notice is included intact.
- =======================================================================
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- given above, and ask me to add your comments to the FAQ file on Temper
- Tantrums. Please try to be as concise as possible, as these FAQ files
- tend to be quite long as it is. And, unless otherwise requested, your
- name and e-mail address will not be included in the file.
-
- For a list of other FAQ files, look for the FAQ File Index posted to
- misc.kids weekly or check the misc.kids.info newsgroup.
- =====================================================================
-
-
- ADVICE FROM MISC.KIDDERS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH TEMPER TANTRUMS:
-
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- A book, *Helping Young Children Flourish* by Aletha Solter, has helped
- us *a lot*.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- My mother says I only threw one temper tantrum, once. She threw water on
- me, and I was so shocked I never did it again, she says. Speaking as one
- who as an adult has had a very hard time with the issue of dealing with
- knowing what my feelings are at any given time, I do NOT recommend this
- approach. I don't think she was abusive to try this, but the results are
- not such that the technique should be encouraged. It is not a good idea
- to teach a child that it's best to ignore your own feelings. I would
- imagine that it would be far more beneficial, in the long run, to teach
- the child better ways of expressing those feelings. This is obviously a
- much more difficult task.
-
- My son [2.4 yo] can generally be distracted from his temper tantrums,
- and at any rate we view them as his own problem, not ours. If he wants
- to have a fit because his sandwich has honey (which he likes) instead of
- jelly, fine. When he calms down, he'll happily eat the sandwich. At such
- times, it's easy for me to say soothingly things like "You're very
- angry, aren't you? Sometimes it's hard to know what to do when you're
- that upset." Hey, it's not my problem, and he'll learn to deal with this
- sort of thing as he gets older. Knowing which problems are yours and
- which are not is a key point in happy parenting.
-
- The problem is when we *must* do something within a limited time period.
- I confess that I am not dealing with this very well. It just makes me
- crazy when I try to change his diaper before going to daycare, and he
- struggles not to let me! I don't hit him, but I confess I sometimes want
- to at times like that. I have tried yelling at him, which only scared
- him--he laughed at me and continued to struggle at the time, but later
- needed to be cuddled, indicating that he was upset. It didn't do a bit
- of good, neither at the time nor when the next struggle came around, but
- it did make him less happy--clearly not a successful technique. My
- husband is much better than I am at this. Just now, when I described
- this morning's struggle, in which I had to pin our son down with one of
- my legs to force his shorts back on him so we could go to daycare, he
- told me his, obviously superior, technique. He says he just goes and
- gets the rechargeable electric screwdriver and gives it to our son to
- play with. With that marvelous distraction, anything else is acceptable
- to him. The only problem is getting the screwdriver back. :-)
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- I put tantrums into two distinct categories, and my reaction to them
- depends on which category the tantrums fall under. The first is what
- has been termed the "tempering tantrum" where a child is just
- overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated (especially when they're pre-verbal),
- hungry, etc. and the child just "loses it." Those sorts of tantrums
- basically elicit sympathy from me (and sometimes regret on my part for
- not seeing it coming). The second type of tantrum is the typical "I
- want that and I'm going to throw a hissy fit until you give it to me"
- tantrum. In that case, I am very firm and have *never* given into such
- a tantrum. (Caveat: if the "I want it" comes from a real need, like
- the child is really thirsty, I would put that under the first type of
- tantrum, and would give the child something to drink.)
-
- As for the "how to handle" such tantrums, here's what I do and what has
- worked well for us. I'll take both cases separately. First, with the
- "tempering tantrum", I try to give my son a safe environment in which to
- lose it, and sometimes, if he's in the mood, I will hold him gently
- (often though, he would push me away in his agitated state). Once the
- storm has passed, I try to attend to his needs right away, and it is
- often accompanied by an apology for not recognizing his limitations.
- After all, a young child can't be expected to deal with difficult
- situations like adults can (although we all know adults who still throw
- temper tantrums!).
-
- When the tantrum is of the second kind, I will sometimes tell my son
- "You can cry and scream all you want, but you're just not going to get
- X." If we're out in public, I try to remove him from the situation so
- as not to disturb other people, but after I have taken him to somewhere
- safe (a bench, for instance), I will then walk away because I don't want
- to hear such a racket. I always tell him that he can scream and get it
- out of his system, but I don't have to put up with hearing it. If we're
- at home, I tell my son that he can go into his room and have a fit and
- he's welcome to join me once he's calmed down.
-
- I don't know whether I just have an incredibly easy going child or
- whether it's been our consistency that has paid off, but I will say
- this--being consistent in almost every area of childrearing has paid big
- dividends. My son just never had the full-blown temper tantrums that
- his peers have had, and for the "I want it" tantrum, they have blown
- over in very short order. He is nearing 4 years of age and I can't
- remember the last time he had a real temper tantrum. (I have noticed,
- however, that when his best friend comes over to play or if we go over
- to her house, he will typically lose it for about 5 minutes, usually
- over something insignificant like a non-beloved toy, and then once the
- storm has passed, will play happily for hours. My friend (her mother)
- and I both think that my son gets so excited about the prospects of
- spending time with his best friend that he has all these pent-up
- feelings that he has to let out before he can get all that adrenaline
- out of his system. I haven't noticed such behavior from him with any of
- his other friends, BTW.)
-
- Finally, I think that Penelope Leach says it quite well--temper tantrums
- are awful things to go through, but just imagine how much worse it is
- for the *child* who loses control. I try to put myself in the child's
- place as often as possible, and when I do that, I recognize just how
- difficult it can be to act "grown up" and behave in a way that is just
- so demanding sometimes. So, while we have firm limits and we enforce
- them consistently (without ever resorting to physical force), we also
- are quite empathetic to the trials and tribulations of growing up. I
- imagine that young children get "information overload" probably daily,
- and that can't be easy! My son probably threw his tempering tantrums
- most when he was just on the cusp of learning to put words together to
- form sentences. That took a lot of energy, concentration, etc., and for
- a young child, that often means diverting energy and concentration away
- from behaviors that have already been mastered, and that might
- ultimately result in a tempering tantrum.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- I think the most important thing is to try to keep your cool! Remember
- that it's a very common behaviour and probably isn't a result of
- something you've `done wrong'.
-
- My approach to tantrums is:
-
- 1. Try to get it in proportion in your own mind. Often tantrums are
- pretty funny if you can be detached from them.
-
- 2. Briefly explain the situation and what you are going to do (or not
- do). E.G. "I'm not going to give you that doll because it is
- Judy's present. You have a colouring book and I will help you
- colour the picture of the teddy bear if you want." Pretend to be
- calm.
-
- 3. Do what you say.
-
- My golden rule is "Be calm, be gentle but DON'T GIVE IN."
-
- It's probably worth trying to think of what might be frustrating her but
- it's perfectly possible that the cause is just learning to live with the
- world.
-
- Probably the hardest thing about dealing with tantrums is dealing with
- other adults.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- The way I handle the tantrum depends on why my son [3 yo] is having one.
- If it is the result of being tired, he gets put in bed for a nap
- (assuming he hasn't had one or is late for one which is the usual case).
-
- Sometimes it is the result of too much attention on the baby. In that
- case, we (or which ever one of us is handy) go into the room where he
- is playing and just be with him while he plays and occasionally ask him
- questions about his play so he knows we are interested. In these
- instances, he asks us to watch him do some amazing feat, like jump or
- pretend to bite, etc...
-
- If it is just one of those days where the "n" word (no) sets him off, we
- try a variety of things.
- - Time out,
- - go to your room until you are done fussing,
- - hold him and kiss him which leads to tickling which means that's what
- he wanted,
- - ignore him and let him just fuss for a few minutes
-
- If we are going the discipline route, we tell him to calm down and talk
- to us or just hush or "x punishment" will occur. Then we follow through
- with that discipline.
-
- Occasionally, he does the "I'm just being a brat" type of tantrum in
- which case he is warned he will be spanked. If he yells back at me and
- continues the tantrum, he gets about 3 smacks on his clothed behind with
- my hand. (Trust me, it hurts my hand more than his behind. But it gets
- his attention.) Sometimes he tries to play one parent against the
- other, "daddy, mommy spanked my butt" Then the other parent "well, next
- time mommy tells you to stop, stop and you won't get spanked". Once he
- realizes that we are both disapproving of his behavior, he calms down.
-
- The good side is now that he is 3, sometimes when he gets mad, after the
- fit he tells us why he threw it. Now I have started noticing the
- difference between the brat and mad fit. I let him get the mad fits out
- of his system. While in them, I tell him we all get mad sometimes and
- it is okay but we don't always get what we want either.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- Temper tantrums when you pick the child up at day care actually can be
- a healthy sign, which actually stems from the normal separation anxiety
- the child may be having. Here is what T. Berry Brazelton writes in
- chapter 35 ("Separation") of "Touchpoints":
-
- The baby, in turn, will learn her own ways of coping
- if she is in the care of a nurturing person. Her protest
- when you leave is necessary and healthy. She will turn to
- the other person. . . . They play, but not as vigorously
- as they would with parents. They nap but don't sleep as
- deeply. They store up their powerful reactions for the
- reunion at the end of the day . . . . She has saved up her
- protest, her intense feelings, all day for the one she can
- trust. . . . Parents need to realize that these intense
- reactions are necessary to a passionate reunion.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- We have three strategies for minimizing tantrums. I think it is really
- common to have these kinds of tantrums at transition times.
-
- 1. Give time warnings before changing activities. I'm surprised at how
- well this works for us. We often say in 5 minutes we are ...... Or,
- after we read 3 books it's time to turn off the light. This gives the
- kid a chance to "adjust".
-
- 2. Bring along an item to the new activity. So, we usually take a
- truck or animal up to take a bath. Or a book to look at in the car.
- This also helps bridge from one thing to another.
-
- 3. Set up daily routines so that there is some expectation of what
- comes next. We aren't strictly regimented, but we have certain basic
- rhythms to the day that seem to help keep things in order.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 2.5 yo temper tantrums due to mom's pregnancy]
-
- You'd be surprised at how much information children your daughter's age
- can gather from their surroundings, and how much they understand. Have
- you thoroughly discussed your pregnancy and future sibling with her. If
- not, that may be part of the problem. She probably can feel a drastic
- change coming in her life (Mom is paying more attention to the baby in
- her tummy, maybe she is being moved to another room soon, or the
- crib/bassinet is moving into her room, or the new baby's room is
- getting redecorated. Maybe it's just talk about her sibling (as was the
- case for us)). Regardless, she may feel that she will not be loved as
- much anymore. Make sure that you involve her as much as she wants to be
- involved in your pregnancy, but don't force her to do more than she
- wants. Our daughter just began to want to be involved with Mom's
- pregnancy lately. Before that it made her upset when we discussed it,
- so we tried not to in front of her more than we had to. Make sure that
- you do special things for her - for instance, if you are redecorating
- the baby's room, redecorate her room a bit, too. Assure her that she
- will not be loved any less, and make sure that you give her as much
- attention as you did before - maybe more. There should also be time for
- just you and her after the baby is born as well. These feelings are
- quite common in children that age when Mommy is expecting again. Things
- change a lot during pregnancy (and after I assume) when there is already
- precious little one around. They don't understand that we can love each
- of them as much. I heard a great analogy - Imagine if your husband
- brought home a wife one day and said "This is another wife, and I will
- love you just as much as before - you'll like her". I had never thought
- of that before. Gave me new insight into our daughter's feelings and it
- has helped everyone a lot.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- My daughter has been a pretty well-behaved two year old. We have the
- occasional problem, the stiffening up when you try to put her in the
- car seat, the "I-don't-wanna" syndrome, etc.. But overall, she's been
- great.
-
- When she was about 18 months old, she would have HORRIBLE tantrums. I
- remembered reading in a Penelope Leach book about how they don't know
- why they are having tantrums, and you should just hold them throughout
- the entire episode. We successfully did this for awhile, and the
- tantrums slowly subsided.
-
- Now they have returned, for whatever reason. My daughter is 26 months
- old, and has been testing the boundaries of independence for quite
- awhile. Today was bad, though. She was upset about SOMETHING (who
- knows what.) and decided that she would hit and kick and scream until
- someone helped her.
-
- I picked her up, absorbed a few blows to the face and just kept
- holding her and telling her that it was going to be ok. I stroked her
- head, sang to her, kept repeating that she was going to be ok, while
- she was fighting me all the way. It took awhile, but she finally
- calmed down enough and told me that she was sorry (without any
- prompting!!!)
-
- It seems that sometimes a two year old's frustrations can get out of
- hand. They don't know why, you don't know why and it's good to have a
- little time-out for both of you. I found that it worked very well,
- but I was wondering if anyone else had tried this particular method of
- stopping tantrums? Let me know!
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 2 year old's temper tantrums]
-
- : I picked her up, absorbed a few blows to the face and just kept
- : holding her and telling her that it was going to be ok. I stroked
- : her head, sang to her, kept repeating that she was going to be ok,
- : while she was fighting me all the way. It took awhile, but she
- : finally calmed down enough and told me that she was sorry (without
- : any prompting!!!)
-
- That's interesting that it works for your daughter. My daughter gets
- *more* hysterical if I try to pick her up or hold her or even look at
- her when she's in the midst of a tantrum. But you know what does
- work? Having her lay on the couch under her blankie. For instance,
- last night she was helping me with dishes (she likes to dry the
- plastic items) and something frustrated her (I forget what) and she
- got *really* mad at me. She went over to her Magna Doodle and
- started pounding on it which I told her she couldn't do (not allowed
- to destroy her toys) so she "timed out" herself on the couch. She
- likes being all coverd up with the blanket (sometimes with it over
- her head too) and within 10-20 minutes she is usually recovered from
- the problem.
-
- Initially I started this with my daughter by putting her on the couch
- when she was upset but now she usually does it to herself. She also
- has been known to run in the spare bedroom and throw herself on the
- bed in there to cool off.
-
- Different styles for different kids I guess! :)
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 2 year old's temper tantrums]
-
- >My daughter has been a pretty well-behaved two year old. We have the
- >occasional problem, the stiffening up when you try to put her in the
- >car seat, the "I-don't-wanna" syndrome, etc.. But overall, she's
- >been great.
-
- My daughter (turned 2 last week) has been pretty much the same. We
- feel pretty lucky. She definitely has tantrums, but overall, she's
- fairly reasonable.
-
- >It seems that sometimes a two year old's frustrations can get out of
- >hand. They don't know why, you don't know why and it's good to have
- >a little time-out for both of you. I found that it worked very well,
- >but I was wondering if anyone else had tried this particular method
- >of stopping tantrums? Let me know!
-
- I've tried this a few times, but it never works for us! My daughter
- also gets into her tantrum and basically forgets what started it. I
- try talking to her, and asking her to use her words to tell me what
- she wants, etc. Once she's really into it, she usually won't be able
- to tell me specifically what she wants. What I do is ask her to tell
- me when she's all done crying. And then I'll ask her if she's all
- done crying ("NO - I crying!!" :-)). But, soon she will stop and say,
- "I'm all done crying" or her latest is, "I calmed down now." :-) I
- think she just basically needs to cry. I don't really like it, but
- I can't really stop it. Holding her and trying to comfort her seems
- to just make her madder.
-
- Does your daughter get madder when you hold her, and *then* eventually
- calm down? I feel like I'm making things worse when she gets madder.
- My daughter doesn't hit or kick, luckily. I am pretty good at
- ignoring her fits - she knows she's not going to get anything out of
- them (she never does).
-
- If we're at home, I will ask her to go to her room to cry or
- sometimes, I'll put her in time-out - although time-out hasn't been
- extremely effective for us. My daughter will NOT sit in time-out if
- she's in full tantrum. We have to use a baby gate and put her in her
- room if we really want to isolate her. I feel like just ignoring it
- produces about the same effect.
-
- I'm interested - are some people just able to ignore screaming better
- than others? I can really ignore it (even if she's doing it in the
- car with me). My husband is bothered much more by it and wants to
- speed up the stopping of it. I really don't think there's much harm
- in letting the fit wind itself down (as long as she doesn't get
- anything out of the fit). My husband tends to try to get her to stop
- crying (telling her over and over to stop; time-out, etc.).
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 2 year old's temper tantrums]
-
- >I've tried this a few times, but it never works for us! My daughter
- >also gets into her tantrum and basically forgets what started it. I
- >try talking to her, and asking her to use her words to tell me what
- >she wants, etc. Once she's really into it, she usually won't be able
- >to tell me specifically what she wants. What I do is ask her to tell
- >me when she's all done crying. And then I'll ask her if she's all
- >done crying ("NO - I crying!!" :-)). But, soon she will stop and say,
- >"I'm all done crying" or her latest is, "I calmed down now." :-) I
- >think she just basically needs to cry. I don't really like it, but
- >I can't really stop it. Holding her and trying to comfort her seems
- >to just make her madder.
-
- I think that we need to trust them to an extent - their frustration
- is real; they have very little control over their environment, and
- they hate that. And their emotions have relatively little cognitive
- mediation at this age - it's just pure emotion. My daughter has
- always been intense with her emotions. Most of the time this means
- that she is thrilled with life, enthusiastic, and having a great time.
- But sometimes it means that there is a volcano in the living room. :-)
-
- >I'm interested - are some people just able to ignore screaming better
- >than others?
-
- Well, I think I am able to *tolerate* my daughter's screaming pretty
- well. That doesn't mean I'm really ignoring it. Depending on the
- situation my preferred method is to sit near her (or hold her if that's
- what she wants) and let her have her feelings with me there. Sometimes
- she asks to be alone, and I respect that, too. If possible, I like
- to process it with her a bit afterwards, so she can talk about her
- feelings more and more instead of just screaming. She is slowly
- getting better (for whatever reason). But her feelings really are
- intense and she still gets swept up in them. (Obviously the above
- works best in the controlled situation of the home. When we are
- out, things have to be modified. <I shudder at the memories of my
- daughter's 2 yr old public tantrums and is glad we're through with
- THAT stage!>)
-
- Note: if this was the 15th 2 yr old tantrum of the day and I didn't
- have time to sit with my daughter, the next best thing would be to do
- something nearby, and keep saying things to let her know that I was
- still there, e.g. "Wow, you're still REALLY angry", etc. Although I'm
- not a saint and there were times when my own frustration level caused
- me to give myself a time-out. :-) Not optimal, but sometimes
- necessary!
-
- >I can really ignore it (even if she's doing it in the car with me).
- >My husband is bothered much more by it and wants to speed up the
- >stopping of it. I really don't think there's much harm in letting the
- >fit wind itself down (as long as she doesn't get anything out of the
- >fit). My husband tends to try to get her to stop crying (telling her
- >over and over to stop; time-out, etc.).
-
- Aaaack. Your husband's approach is admittedly one of my pet peeves
- of life. Whenever we hear a parent doing this, my husband grabs
- my arm as if to restrain me :-). I guess I will be as mild as I
- can and ask if it is effective, and what results might obtain from
- this method? Like, what is this saying to the child? And how would
- most adults react to be told over and over to stop crying?
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 2 year old's temper tantrums]
-
- >I think that we need to trust them to an extent - their frustration
- >is real; they have very little control over their environment, and
- >they hate that. And their emotions have relatively little cognitive
- >mediation at this age - it's just pure emotion. My daughter has
- >always been intense with her emotions. Most of the time this means
- >that she is thrilled with life, enthusiastic, and having a great
- >time. But sometimes it means that there is a volcano in the living
- >room. :-)
-
- I agree. My daughter, having just turned 2, is showing this extreme
- range of emotions. It's really fascinating. Most of the time, she's
- really overjoyed with life. She just shrieks with happiness. And
- really, we are lucky so far - her tantrums don't last very long and
- are usually avoidable with a little patience and planning (she's
- really into "I DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!"). Taking the few moments to
- let her do something herself (or at least try) will usually save a
- tantrum.
-
- >Note: if this was the 15th 2 yr old tantrum of the day and I didn't
- >have time to sit with my daughter, the next best thing would be to do
- >something nearby, and keep saying things to let her know that I
- >was still there, e.g. "Wow, you're still REALLY angry", etc.
-
- My daughter often doesn't want anyone sitting near her when she's
- fitting. She'll push me away, and say, "Go 'WAY, Mama!!" I try to
- respect that too.
-
- >Aaaack. Your husband's approach is admittedly one of my pet peeves
- >of life. Whenever we hear a parent doing this, my husband grabs
- >my arm as if to restrain me :-). I guess I will be as mild as I
- >can and ask if it is effective, and what results might obtain from
- >this method? Like, what is this saying to the child? And how would
- >most adults react to be told over and over to stop crying?
-
- I don't really agree with his method. He's not harsh about it - he
- just really can't tolerate screaming. It's one of those things that
- really gets on his nerves. He needs to work on that. :-) I actually
- can't remember the last time he headed for time-out for screaming.
- My daughter is doing so much better at expressing her needs. Many
- times a tantrum will be right under the surface over which one of us
- does something for her. "Mommy do it!" or "Daddy do it!" are two of
- her favorite phrases right now. And we absolutely make every
- reasonable effort to accomodate her wishes. When there's something
- she initially says she doesn't want to do, once we ask if she wants
- Mama to do it or Daddy to do it, she'll almost always pick one.
-
- I wonder - is there ever a time when you think screaming is not
- justified - or maybe that isn't phrased right. I tolerate screaming
- over having to leave the swing set (because of time or whatever)
- much better (I totally understand that she LOVES to swing and
- it's very painful to her to leave it) than yelling and screaming when
- the food she wants isn't *instantly* on her plate. She can see
- that I'm going to the refrigerator or cabinet, and she still begins
- screaming. I politely ask her to calm down in this case. And most
- of the time, this kind of whining/crying is NOT before she's had
- anything to eat at that particular (so that she's not ravenously
- hungry - she's usually already had something).
-
- Sorry I got so long-winded! This 2YO stuff really fascinates me!
- A 2YO is such a wonderful, complex creature! I work daily to
- understand better and be most aware of her feelings!
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 3 yo throwing public temper tantrum]
-
- One mother who posted a while back had this very same problem. At her
- wits end, she playfully asked her 3 y.o. "I'll bet you can't walk
- backwards all the way to the car!" It worked! He walked backwards all
- the way out of the mall and across the parking lot.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 3 yo throwing public temper tantrum]
-
- I think your child deserves consistent treatment for tantrums so that
- there's less confusion. I, too, have a young child who has public
- tantrums which can be excruciating. It takes a major effort to stay
- calm and handle a screaming child who has pitched himself onto the
- sidewalk (broken glass, etc.). The last thing you need is a
- "well-meaning" citizen judging you. Similar, if less dramatic, instants
- have happened to me as well. A kindly stranger told me that my son
- "just needed love" when he wanted to be carried for our walk around the
- block. When I pointed out that I was showing love at that moment by
- insisting that my son walk instead of ride, he stood there. I guess he
- thought he was protecting the kid from an evil parent. Eventually, I
- just said that we were fine and would he please mind his own business.
- You just can't hope to educate everyone. When you're a parent, people
- judge you--it comes with the package. Call on whatever inner strength
- that gets you through the day and keep on being the best parent you know
- how to be. Everyone else either will or won't get the point. Treat a
- public tantrum like a private tantrum.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- What to do when one's child throws a tantrum in public.
-
- What worked for me:
-
- When the child begins to misbehave, I say: "That's not an OK way to
- behave in public. If you continue to act that way, we will have to
- leave immediately."
-
- Then, if the misbehavior continues, _keep_your_promise_. Leave
- immediately and go to some non-public place -- home, if it's close;
- if not, maybe just out to the car. Say, "You may not behave that way
- in public. When you behave that way, you show that you're not ready
- to be in a public place, so we had to leave. Do you understand?"
-
- Don't just time-out and go back in a couple minutes; terminate that
- public activity.
-
- This is inconvenient for the parent, but it seems to work. Twice I
- left the grocery store without purchasing anything; twice we had to
- leave a restaurant -- once halfway through a meal, and once before
- our food even arrived (yes, I paid for food I never saw).
-
- As I say, it worked for me. As always, your mileage may vary.
-
- It's my impression that many of the ill-behaved children one sees have
- parents who are unwilling to inconvenience themselves to deal with their
- children, or who threaten sanctions that they then do not then impose,
- or impose unpredictably.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- My mum found a very novel approach to her then three year old having
- tantrums every time they went out. After the various other methods had
- been tried (ignoring it, leaving, spanking, not spanking and others I
- can't recall) she decided to embarrass the toddler. Tessa threw her
- millionth tantrum in Safeway's so mum got down on the floor and threw a
- tantrum too. A very sheepish toddler stopped misbehaving almost
- immediately.
-
- It took guts, but it worked.
-
- As for onlookers becoming parent police, there's not a whole lot you can
- do, just remain calm and look forward to the day when you can watch
- them go through the same problem.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 4 yo public temper tantrum]
-
- From the description, it sounds as if the tantrum was clearly one that
- was of the "I don't want to leave this incredibly fun thing I'm doing to
- go home" type of tantrum, as opposed to the "tempering tantrum" or more
- specifically, the tantrums that arise due to exhaustion, overstimulation,
- hunger, inability to verbalize, etc. I agree that the parent in that
- situation should hold her ground, because once you give in to a "I want
- X" tantrum, you immediately signal to the child that tantrums are
- effective ways of getting what you want.
-
- However, I've been in the situation of the woman above (though no one
- called the police, thankfully). But, instead of dragging my kid to the
- car, I just put him on a bench and let him wail and scream after I told
- him that we *were* leaving and as soon as he calmed down, we could go to
- the car. I was standing roughly 10 yards from him, not wanting to have
- my eardrums punctured :-0, and I withstood a lot of looks--those with
- young children or who knew young children gave me looks of sympathy--
- those without any children looked at me as if I were a heartless
- murderer. I just kept reminding myself that I did not have to answer to
- these strangers, and that I would probably never see them again anyway,
- so screw 'em. (BTW, I *did* carry my son out of the store as soon as he
- started his tantrum, as I felt it would have been incredibly rude to
- allow him to disrupt everyone else's enjoyment of the store; in an open
- mall, where the screams don't produce the unbearable decibel levels of
- an enclosed store, I felt it was OK to let his tantrum run its course,
- though the bench I selected was far away enough from any store openings
- so as not to disturb the people inside.)
-
- Now, after my son calmed down and we went home, we talked about the
- incident after both of us had regained our composure. I told him that
- (1) in the future, I would give him a 10-minute, then 5-minute, then
- 2-minute warning before we had to leave a store (nowadays though, we
- simply negotiate on the time and I set my countdown timer on my watch
- accordingly); and (2) we would not go back to that particular store for
- a week because of his behavior. We also agreed that if he threw a
- tantrum like that again, it would be ignored, just as the first one was,
- and he would lose the privilege of going back to the store for yet
- another week. I'm happy to report that we have had no further scenes of
- that kind. Perhaps it's because my son is pretty easy-going most of the
- time anyway, but I like to think that partly, it's due to the fact that
- we set limits, talk about the consequences of breaking those limits, and
- we follow through consistently (one of the advantages of being an
- obsessive compulsive :-0). Therefore, periods of limits testing, which
- are IMO inevitable, are usually very short-lived in our household.
-
- In the example that was given by the original poster, it sounds as if
- the parents might benefit from reminding the child about the "store
- rules" before entering the store. Even at close to 4 years of age,
- those reminders help immensely with our child (though now, we simply ask
- him what the rules are, as he is old enough to know the rules and
- prefers to tell us what the rules are rather than to have the rules
- repeated for him). I just take it as a given that no child (or adult
- for that matter) wants to leave a fun place, and advance preparation is
- crucial. "Psyching" a child up for the eventual transition from playing
- to leaving has helped for virtually every child with whom I've ever
- interacted. Allowing some time for negotiation, and making compromises
- on both sides are valuable skills, IMO, and they also empower the child.
- My son knows that when I tell him it's time to leave somewhere, it's not
- mere caprice that motivates me. And, knowing that he'll ask for "6 more
- minutes" or something, I can plan for that eventuality and thus start
- the "early warning system" well in advance of our scheduled departure.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 4 yo temper tantrums]
-
- Welcome to the Fearsome Fours! We've been having them for quite some
- time with our daughter, age 4-11/12, and they're showing some signs of
- abating. (Finally, thank goodness) From what I can see, it's one of
- those terrible behavior just before some big developmental leap kinds
- of things. In our daughter's case, I'm sure it's that reading [well] is
- just around the corner.
-
- We argue constantly about cleaning her room, (fiend that I am, I make
- her pick up her own toys), what to eat (you can pick what you want, but
- once you pick, buddy, that's it, you eat it), bedtime, need I say more?
- It is always worse when I'm busy or tired, and can't take the time to
- really work with her.
-
- I try my best to allow my daughter to make as many choices as possible:
- she picks her own meals, after I define the choices, she can pick any
- outfit she wants for school (I put weather appropriate outfits together
- on one hanger, and she picks the hanger), and give her the choice of
- bedtime story. This helps a lot. The struggling is always worse when
- my daughter feels that she has no choices.
-
- I also explain the rules, and talk about why they are important. For
- example, bedtime is important because you have to get up early for
- school. Baths are important so you don't stink [insert nose holding and
- pee-yew sound effects, followed by giggling here]. We talk about this
- when we're both calm, and not in the middle of a confrontation. My
- daughter often asks about "When I was a kid, and dinosaurs roamed the
- Earth", and if I had to take baths, go to bed, etc. I tell her stories
- about my misbehavior, and the rule in effect when I was a child. She
- then talks to my mother to confirm the details :-)
-
- Mostly, I try to go with the flow. There are a few things I won't bend
- on - taking medicine, for example; but for the most part, who really
- cares if she picked grilled cheese for supper eight days in a row?
- There are so many things that little kids have no control over, why not
- let her control as much as she can.
-
- Obviously, YMMV. I can see how this would be far more difficult to do
- with several children. However, you're not alone!
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [responding to post about 4 yo temper tantrums]
-
- Four year olds are a little better able to reason than 2 and 3 year
- olds. Since my daughter has had tantrums at all of these ages I'm an
- expert :). What worked with her when she was 4: One day when a tantrum
- earlier in the day was a fresh memory, we sat down for a talk. I got
- down on her face, looked her in the eye and said "I want to make sure
- you understand that when you have a tantrum, that means that you will
- _not_ get whatever you are having the tantrum about. Sometimes we get a
- little toy when we go to the market. But when you have a tantrum about
- getting a toy, that means you will not get a toy that time. Do you
- understand?"
-
- Ever since then whenever I hear a tantrum winding up I remind her that
- the way to guarantee that she won't get <whatever> is to have a tantrum.
- I also complement her behavior when I can tell she wants to have a
- tantrum but holds it back, those are the times I'm more likely to give
- her what she asks for.
-
- I can't even remember the last tantrum -- so maybe this worked or maybe
- she just outgrew them.
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- Last night my husband and I went through a rather awful ordeal with our
- son, one that I truly hope is NOT repeated again. I blame our *reactions*
- to what Colin was doing as being the real culprit here. It began when he
- wouldn't eat dinner, after he had chosen what he wanted and I made it. I
- have to admit I lost my cool, and put the dinner down the garbage disposal,
- after it became apparent he was going off to play and had no intention of
- eating it (I never force him to eat...it was just...Colin, are you going to
- eat dinner now? NO! etc.) Of course, when he saw his food (which he
- didn't want anyway) going bye-bye, he pitched a total fit. And I, in turn,
- began yelling back at him as to WHY had he wasted his food, etc. Like a 2
- year-old would know. It was really a sight to behold. He stood and cried,
- I stood and yelled. Pretty bad for a grown-up, huh? Well, we both finally
- calmed down and I made him something else and he ate and smiled and we
- kissed and made up and then daddy got home. My husband was very upset when
- I told him I had yelled at Colin...he said don't yell at him, it's wrong,
- etc.
-
- Part two. By this time, it was late and Colin needed his bath. So daddy
- goes to take him upstairs. Tantrum #2 begins, this time MUCH worse than
- before and this time for apparently no reason, I guess just because he's 2
- and he can! I waited downstairs to see how long it would take for my
- husband to lose it...he lasted longer than I did. When I finally heard a
- huge yell, I went upstairs and took over, because by then *I* had calmed
- down. When *I'm* calm, I can quickly calm our son down, which I did.
- After that, everything was fine.
-
- My husband and I were both really shaken afterward; in fact, I still was
- this morning. I really had no desire to hit my son while this all was
- going on...hitting during a tantrum, in my opinion, accomplishes less than
- nothing. I KNOW I shouldn't have yelled, but I just couldn't understand
- WHY he was going so crazy. I guess we need to step back, take deep
- breaths, see these things before they happen, and handle them in a MUCH
- calmer mode than we did. I think empathy on our part is called for here
- and in future situations. Do any of y'all out there ever totally lose it?
- *Please* say yes...I hate to think we're the only (sometimes) meanies
- around!
-
- ************************************************************************
-
- [more good ideas straight from the misc.kids newsgroup]
-
- >>I just have to share this with everyone. Recently I was conducting a
- >>parent support group and the parents raised the topic of Temper Tantrums.
- >>On parent suggested to the other that the next time her child throws a
- >>temper tantrum in public that she hold up a sign saying "WARNING TEMPER
- >>TANTRUM IN PROGRESS" What a wonderful idea. Ignore the temper tantrum
- >>while you are in public and give those that pass by and watch a good
- >>laugh! The parent said that after she started using the sign, the
- >>frequency of Temper tantrums declined and are now extremely rare when in
- >>public.
- >
- >When I was growing up, the kitchen floor was white tile with a few decorative
- >squares of orange tile. Whenever my brother or I would have a tantrum, Mom or
- >Dad would tell us to have it on the orange square. Same principle, I guess,
- >they made light of the tantrum with a bit of silliness. I plan to use
- >something similar. Ann's a little young for tantrums yet, so we've got a few
- >years to find orange floor tiles :-).
-
- I like it! I also used distracting silliness. Sometimes I would give
- directions: "You need to kick more with your left leg." or I would say, "No,
- no. Let me show you." and then get down and do it better or give
- encouragement, "Ooh, I like the drooling. It gives a professional touch." I
- don't know why but my kids never really got into temper tantrums very much. :-)
-
- ************************************************************************
-
-