Q. What if I still don't got off the mailing list?
A. Hmmm...it's probably best if you ignore the instructions which
many list-owners place at the bottom of every message transmitted
through their mailing lists, and which others place in the headers;
you should also ignore the instructions which were mailed to you
when you signed up, the instructions at the list's web archive
(if it has one), and the instructions provided by the program
handling the mailing list (e.g. majordomo, mailman, etc.). This
will allow you to go back to the previous step with great hopes.
Q. I'm going on vacation and want to set up an auto-responder so
that people will know I'm not reading my email. I don't need to
do anything special with it, do I?
A. Of course not. Every single person on every single mailing list
that you subscribe to will be delighted to hear from you each time
they send a message to the mailing list. They'll be even more excited
if you use an auto-responder which sends back to the entire mailing
list...that you're a member of...which means you'll get another
new message...which means the auto-responder will reply...causing
a repetitive cycle that will enchant and amuse everyone affected.
Participating
-------------
Q. What should I put on the "Subject:" line?
A. This is your chance to be as quixotic and intriguing as possible, so
make the most of it. Make sure that the "Subject:" line is as uninformative
as you can manage -- after all, you want to make sure that everyone actually
reads your message, so don't give it away in the headers. Here are
some suggested "Subject:" lines to pick from:
Subject: test
Subject: help
Subject: unsubscribe
Subject: Internet
Subject: quote
Subject: problem
Subject: message
Subject:
Q. I just a read a great message that I agree with entirely -- I want to
make sure that everyone on the mailing list knows that. What should I do?
A. You should follow up to the entire mailing list -- quoting the
previous message in its entirety, of course -- and add your affirmation
by choosing from one of the following short messages:
I agree!
'nuff said.
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Well put.
He/she's right!
Everyone on the mailing list will be anxiously waiting for your response,
so don't hesitate -- send it out right away.
Q. How much of the previous message should I quote when responding?
A. Why, *all of it*, of course! Be sure to include (a) the headers
(b) the entire message text (c) the sender's signature and (d) any
boilerplate added at the bottom by the mailing list software.
Q. Should I put my followup comments before those I'm replying to?
A. Yes. Everyone who participates in the mailing list will remember
every message every sent to it, and will immediately be able to
place your comments in proper context *without* seeing any portion
of the message you're replying to.
And yes, you'll no doubt hear from those curmudgeons who lambast
you for "top posting" and failing to edit the previous message,
but if they were right, wouldn't your mail client do that for you?
By the way: be sure that you completely ignore RFC 1855:
Netiquette Guidelines
http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc1855.html
Q. Should I followup to the author or to the mailing list?
A. Neither. You should followup to *both*, because the author might
miss your important message if it's only sent to the mailing list.
Ignore authors who explicitly request that you only respond to the list;
your remarks are too important to take a chance that they'll miss them.
Q. What's the best way to format plain text for a mailing list?
A. Uuencode it, then make it a MIME attachment. This ensures that
everyone will have to make an appropriate effort to read it.
*Don't ever* just append it to your message, indenting it by
a tab or ">" character; that would make it far too easy for the readers.
Q. How long should my lines be?
A. As long (or short) as you like!
You can make them really short,
which has the advantage that even
short notes will scroll right off
the recipients' screens, giving
the impression that you had more
to say than you actually did, or
you can make them really long. In fact, the best way to make them really long is to completely forget about embedding newlines in them. Using this technique, you can pack your entire message onto one line of text. This will enable your messages to be much shorter than other folks', moving them to the head of any mail queues that they find themselves in.
Q. Why do people keep asking me not to shout?
A. BECAUSE THEY REALLY DON'T APPRECIATE THE NUANCES OF UPPERCASE MESSAGES.
THIS MIXED-CASE BUSINESS IS JUST A PASSING FAD. HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF
TYPOGRAPHIC RESEARCH AND LEGIBILITY STUDIES MEAN NOTHING. YOU CAN SAFELY
IGNORE IT AND JUST LEAVE THE CAPS-LOCK KEY PERMANENTLY ON.
Q. Should I send messages containing information in proprietary formats,
such as those used by commercial word processing packages?
A. Sure. *Everyone* on the Internet uses the same proprietary software
that you do, even the people who use totally different computing
platforms running totally different operating systems. They'll have no
problem deciphering your message, even if it is in WordFrabble '97,
and they'll also really enjoy receiving a message that's 10 or even 20
times larger than it could be due to all the embedded formatting.
Just disregard those people who ask you to use ASCII text -- they're
not anyone you should care about reaching with your messages.
For an added bonus, you and the happy recipients of your message
will be able to share in the joy of helping viruses and worms
propagate. The employees and shareholders of the many anti-virus
software companies and the poorly-designed, badly-implemented operating
systems that their products attempt to compensate for thank you in advance.
Q. Should I "CC" a lot of other people on messages that I send
to a mailing list?
A. This would be a very good idea, in order to ensure that no one misses
the important things that you have to say. Of course, some people will
get multiple copies as a result, but that will just ensure that they have
an adequate opportunity to read your message. No one will ever mind
that you're causing unnecessary traffic because what you have to say is
of such significance. Other people will get nothing at all, since many
ISPs have now configured their mail servers to reject messages sent to
an inordinate number of recipients (since they are likely to be spam).
And of course, when one of the people who's on your "CC" list but not
on the mailing list tries to follow up, won't they be surprised when
the mailing list software rejects their message and bounces it to the
list's owner?
Make sure that it never crosses your mind to invite the people you
would "CC" to join the mailing list.
HTML or not
-----------
Q. Should I format my messages with HTML?
A. Absolutely. HTML isn't just intended for the web, you know; in fact,
it makes complete sense to send *all* of your messages in HTML, because
your deathless prose will make an even bigger impression if you surround
it with HTML tags. Think of how much better Henry V's speech
before the battle of Agincourt would read if Shakespeare had access to HTML:
<pre>
If we are mark'd to die, we are <i>enow</i>
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
<em>God's will!</em> I pray thee, wish not <u>one</u> man more.
<!--- Henry pauses, then continues --->
By <b>Jove</b>, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires:
But if it be a sin to covet <blink>honour</blink>,
<strong>I am the most offending soul alive.</strong>
</pre>
So don't bother with a spell checker; don't waste your time trying
to edit your comments into comprehensible prose; just trot out those
HTML tags and go to it! (Be sure to use the <blink> tag as often
as you possibly can.)
Q. Should I just send my messages in HTML, then?
A. Why, no. You should send then in HTML *and* ASCII text. As you know,
doing this will increase the likelihood that everyone will read your
message, since all the content will be included twice. It will also double
or triple the size of your message, making it seem more important.
And since all of the mail clients which automatically generate HTML
markup for outbound messages do so in an absolutely standards-compliant
manner, the recipients will all be duly impressed.
No doubt some people will ask you to use ASCII text only. These are
probably people who have been working on the Internet since well before
the invention of the web, and their opinions are therefore not as
informed or as up-to-date as yours.
Q. Okay, then should I read my messages with an HTML-enabled mail client?
A. Well, that does follow, doesn't it? This will also allow you to
enjoy the full effect of the many clever bits of software which may
be embedded in such messages. Don't worry: nobody would ever think
of including malicious Javascript code, or web bugs that invade your
privacy, or anything else that would concern you.
Attachments and Signatures
--------------------------
Q. What should I do when I get a message with attachments?
A. Why, execute them all, of course! Many delightful and useful
programs are circulated in this manner, and you'll never find out about
them if you don't run them. Some of these programs as *so* clever
that they'll even use your "address book" or its equivalent to automatically
share themselves with other people you've corresponded with. And
the ones that don't? Well, you should forward those to everyone
you know, without delay.
Q. How long should my signature be?
A. As long as possible. Everyone on the mailing list will want to see
it every single time you send anything along for them to read.
Embed half a dozen URLs, a quote or two, and an ASCII graphic in it
to make it larger. Don't consider your effort successful unless you
put more time into your signature than into the content of your messages.
Q. Should I attach vcards, GIFs, and other supplementary material
as part of my signature?
A. Absolutely. For good measure, you should include as many different
items as you can, preferably encoded in proprietary formats that cannot
be read by most of the recipients. For example, a message with an
attached vcard, a corporate disclaimer, a copy of your resume in
WordPerfect, another copy of your resume in FrameMaker, and an MPEG
of you saying "hello" would be considered an adequate effort.
Q. Alright, I did that. But I was responding to a response to a
a response to a message, and I'm not sure who said what.
A. Don't worry about it! Just attribute all the remarks to the last
person, or first person, or *any* person involved in the conversation.
Nobody will ever get upset because you quoted them as saying something
that they didn't.
Social interactions
-------------------
Q. I sent a question to the mailing list at 9:30 Friday night; it's
now five hours later and nobody answered me!
A. Well, there's no chance that your mail is queued up somewhere
waiting to be delivered, or that it's a holiday weekend and many
people are away from their mail. Best that you send the question
again; if that doesn't work, send it *again* and complain that nobody
is paying any attention to you. After all, if you don't get a response
back within five minutes of sending your message, something must be
terribly wrong.
Q. I'm not sure if the mailing list is still alive, or if I'm
still on it, or if my mailer is working. What should I do?
A. Why, send a "test" message to the entire mailing list. Everyone will
have been wondering where you are, and they won't mind at all if
you test out your mailer by sending a message to all of them.
So don't shortchange them by writing just to the mailing list owner;
spread your test as far and wide as possible. In fact, why not send
multiple "test" messages, and to every mailing list you're on?
You'll make many new friends this way, too.
Q. Well, I just had a big argument with this guy from Furballs, Inc.,
on the underwater hockey mailing list. I'm going to tell everyone
not to buy any Furball products.
A. Good idea! As you know, everyone who sends mail from a .com (or .edu,
or .org, etc.) address is acting as an official spokesperson for that
organization 100% of the time, and so you should hold that organization
responsible for every single thing those people say.
Q. Hey, did you see the new movie where the ending ha
A. Miss Mailers apologizes for interrupting you in mid-sentence
by confiscating your keyboard, but would like to take this opportunity
to explain to you what the word 'Spoiler' means.
Many artistic creations (plays, movies, television, music, etc.) and
sports events contain unexpected events which depend on the lack of
foreknowledge by the audience to be entertaining. Revealing these events
in advance is considered extremely bad form, since it spoils the
enjoyment of the presentation by the audience.
The global reach of the Internet combined with the multiple mediums
through which performances can reach an audience (including the
Internet itself) makes it nearly impossible for a writer to predict
when all of the readers of his/her missive will have experienced
the event in question. (For example, many movies aren't seen by
an audience until they're released on videocassette; and many Internet
users use their VCRs to tape-delay sports events.)
For this reason, it's considered good Internet form to (1) *never* reveal
anything of consequence about an event on the "Subject:" line of
a message and (2) mark any message which contains "spoiler" information
in its body with the word "SPOILER" on the "Subject:" line so that
readers can avoid reading it if they choose.
Failure to observe this relatively simple convention can generate a
surprisingly large amount of hostility very rapidly. Of course,
this doesn't apply to *you*, just to everyone else on the 'net.
You may have your keyboard back now.
Q. Whew! Well, then, can I sent this picture of the event out?
A. Why, certainly. No one on the mailing list, especially its owner,
will mind if you try to propagate a huge data file through a distribution
mechanism intended for small text messages. Be sure to encode the
image in a non-compressing format, preferably a proprietary one; this
ensures that it takes up as much room as possible and is readable
by as few people as possible.
Research skills
---------------
Q. I asked a technical questions, and I got an answer, but all it said
was "RTFM".
A. No problem. That's someone's way of telling you that they're going
to go Read The Fine Manual for you. They know that you're far too busy
to read the documentation/manuals/FAQs/web sites/newsgroups/books/magazines
that describe the item you're trying to use, so they're going to do it for
you, and then send you an easy-to-use compendium of all the useful
information that they found. Since they're not at all busy, they're
going to spend 24 hours a day working on this, just for you, until they
get it done.
Q. Oh, FAQs, I almost forget. Some lamer told me to read the FAQ.
What the heck is that?
A. Nothing that you should worry about. FAQs are written solely
for the amusement of their authors, and you needn't ever read them.
Q. I'm on some technical mailing lists that are run in question-and-answer
format; if there anything I need to know?
A. Well, yes. The most important thing is to avoid checking certain
sources of information before sending any questions. In this way,
you can avoid accidentally answering your question before you have
a chance to send it. So make sure sure that you ignore all these:
(a) the README file(s)
(b) the full manuals
(c) the various Usenet and web-based FAQs
(d) the archives of the relevant mailing lists
(e) the archives of the relevant Usenet newsgroups
(f) the source code
(g) a search of the vendor's web site
(h) a search of the user groups' web site(s)
(i) a search of the web using relevant keywords
Doing so will help ensure that many people have the opportunity to
answer your question for you. You'll quickly find that most of them
are very happy to do so, and will enjoy it even more if it's a question
that they've answered many times.
Q. Wow, that's a lot; is there anything else?
A. Yes. If you have a question about HP-UX, you should make sure to
send it to the Sun-Manager's mailing list, and vice versa. When you
have received some answers to your question, don't compile them into an
edited summary that clearly explains the problem and its solution:
just concatenate them together, headers and all. Finally, when you
send this back to the list, be sure to mark it "SUMARY" instead of "SUMMARY",
because that will make it stand out from all the other summaries.
For extra credit, try to start a discussion on question-and-answer-only
mailing list.
Q. I'm on a technical mailing list, and one particular person seems
to be fairly clueful. Should I send my next question/problem to
them instead of the mailing list?
A. As you're no doubt aware, all such clueful people are ready, willing
and able to serve as private, volunteer consultants at any time --
and have signified their willingness to do so by occasionally
contributing answers to technical discussions. Not only *should* you
send your question or problem to them, you should do so right away
(since they have nothing to do other than wait for your message)
and thank them in advance for the help you may safely assume they will
give you. If for some reason they don't answer you within minutes,
you should assume they're incompetent, publicly flame them,
and try someone else. Don't be discouraged -- it may be necessary for
you to try several people before locating one who isn't incompetent
or selfish.
Propagating important news
--------------------------
Q. Elvis was just sighted in a Springfield Quickie-Mart! What do I do?
A. Spread the news! Send a note to every mailing list you're on as soon
as possible. Your message will be the first place that anyone hears
about this (since radio, television, and newspapers will ignore it)
and everyone will rush to their computers just in case you might have
sent an important message.
Q. Someone just sent a message to the list saying that Elvis
was sighted in a Springfield Quickie-Mart! What do I do?
A. Believe it and act accordingly. And do not believe anything you read at:
Evaluating Internet Research Sources
http://www.virtualsalt.com/evalu8it.htm
Evaluation of Information Sources
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Q. Wow! There's a new virus called ArmaStealthKillerDeathPong.
I need to tell everyone!
A. Yes, you do -- and as soon as possible. Make sure to send out
your warning to everyone right away -- don't even stop to check out
one of more of
Vmyths.com - Truth About Computer Virus Myths and Hoaxes
http://www.vmyths.com/
Hoaxbusters Home Page
http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/
F-Secure Hoax Warnings
http://www.f-secure.com/virus-info/hoax/
before doing so. *This* virus might be the one that brings down
computers all over the planet, so everyone needs to know about it.
Q. I use an anti-virus program. Should I set it up to process
mail from the mailing list and warn everyone else about
possible viruses?
A. Absolutely. All of them are using the same operating system
you are, so they need to know about viruses that might potentially
infect it. So be sure that when your anti-virus software detects
anything that even looks remotely like a virus, that you broadcast
this back to the mailing list it arrived from. Since nobody else
will do this, it might be the only chance these people have to
be warned. And you should configure your anti-virus software so
that it relies on email addresses in the headers -- of course no
virus would ever forge those.
Q. I received this chain letter which says that if I forward it,
I'll help a girl with cancer/earn a donation from a large company/
stop the FCC from imposing a modem tax/cause the earth to spin the
other direction on its axis. What should I do?
A. You should read it carefully and follow its instructions to the letter.
As you know, everything that you see on the Internet is true, especially
those things which have arrived in your very own personal mailbox.
Don't check with any of these sites to see if it's a myth/urban legend:
The Hoaxkill Service
http://www.hoaxkill.com/
Urban Legends Archive
http://www.urbanlegends.com/
Urban Legends Reference Pages
http://www.snopes2.com/
Hoaxbusters Home Page
http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/
Just send it to everyone in your address book and every mailing list
you're on. No doubt some people will refer you to the same web sites,
but they're just trying to spoil your fun.
Nuances
-------
Q. Hey, I heard this really funny joke...
A. Oh, stop right there. You need to send this out to every single
mailing list you're on, regardless of those lists' topics, because
everyone will want to read this joke, too. Of course since you're
the only person who's heard this joke, and since there are no
mailing lists specifically for humor, your message will be greeted
with much hilarity wherever you send it.
Q. I'd like to send this message out, but it's got nothing to do
with the mailing list I want to send it to.
A. That's okay. You don't need to stay on topic. (And never mind
what the introductory message for the mailing list said: that applies
to everyone else. Not to you.) Just precede it with "I know this
is off-topic, but..." and everyone will be impressed with how polite
you are while you're breaking the basic rules of the mailing list.
Q. I've got something really important to say, and so I'd like to
send it to a mailing list I'm on AND a whole bunch of other people
at the same time. Is that okay?
A. Certainly. Why not CC to a few thousand of your closest friends?
That way, when they all try to reply, not only will you all be able
to enjoy a cascade of exponentially-increasing followups, but all
the people you've CC'd who aren't on the mailing list in question
will get to experience their mail again when it bounces back as
undeliverable.
Q. The mailing list was spammed, but the message says that I can reply
to unsubscribe. Should I do that?
A. Sure. Spammers are known for their high level of technical
competence, their rigid ethical standards, and their unwillingness
to send email to anyone who doesn't want it. If you reply, they
will immediately note that your email address is working and then
remove you from all of their lists, permanently. They'll also make
sure to tell all the other spammers to remove you, and they in turn
will make sure that you're never bothered again by unwelcome email.
In fact, you probably want to send along all of your email addresses
to the spammer so that you can get off all their mailing lists at once.
Q. I just hit "return" and sent my message to all of the mailing lists
members. However, now I've changed my mind. What should I do?
A. You should send a "recall" message using your local network's facilities.
As you know, every site on the Internet will process these in exactly
the same way as those on your LAN. You may rest assured that none of
the copies of your message will ever reach their destination, or that
any which may have, will be automagically removed no matter where or
how they're stored.
Q. I'm concerned about having my email messages redistributed.
Should I put some boilerplate legalese at the bottom of each one,
and will that work?
A. Of course. Despite the lack of an enforceable contractual agreement
between recipient and sender, and the wide variations in legal statutes
in the many countries which participate in the Internet, you may rest
assured that this will prevent your message from being forwarded,
archived, posted to Usenet newsgroups, published on web sites, or
anything else that you'd object to. The best way to do this is
to include boilerplate that says "[...] this message is private [...]"
and then send it to a public mailing list.
Mailing list administration
---------------------------
Q. I'm setting up a mailing list about furballs. What mechanism should
I provide for people to join and leave it?
A. Don't use the silly RFC 2142 Internet convention of
furballs-request@listhostname
Far too many people will guess this and will send mail containing things
like "subscribe furballs myaddress@myhost" in the body of their messages
to it. Instead, choose from one of the following:
- A web-only interface, which denies access to your mailing list
to anyone who can't connect via HTTP to your site. (After all,
you wouldn't want *those* people on your mailing list, anyway.
They're probably on non-IP networks or behind firewalls that
don't permit HTTP, and their contributions to your mailing list
aren't worth having.) And after all, you're running a MAILING
LIST, so accepting subscriptions via MAIL makes no sense.
- A subscription address that has nothing to do with the list
address -- preferably one that's difficult to remember; for
example, "mailing-list-administrator-for-furballs@listhostname",
Or try using one that's just close enough to the convention
to be confusing, maybe something on the order of
"furball-subscribe@listhostname".
- Subscription procedures which require agreement to an elaborate
charter wherein the applicant has to reveal lots of personal details
and sign their right to privacy away.
Remember, your mailing list is unique, so make sure that your subscription
procedures are unique as well. The more hoops you make subscribers jump
through, the more they'll appreciate being on your list. And you'll
get to make them do it again to get off the list!
Mailbox Names for Common Services, Roles and Functions
http://www.faqs.org/rfcs/rfc2142.html
Q. That's right! I forgot about unsubscription procedures. What do I do?
A. No problem - do *nothing*. That's right, let everyone guess. Oh, sure,
you could either send them an introductory document that explains the
mechanics of your mailing list; or you could use the standard -request
address and honor "unsubscribe" requests - but where's the fun in that?
No, it's much more interesting to watch the users try to figure it out,
especially when they start mailing their unsubscribe requests to the
entire list.
Q. Okay, I've got my mailing list about furballs working. But people
keep trying to subscribe using their e-mail address and not their name!
What can I do about this?
A. Oh, those pesky users! They're just trying to provide unique addresses
for themselves or their local mailing list exploders. You should make them
send subscription requests in this form:
subscribe furballs Firstname Lastname
rather than this one:
subscribe furballs loginame@somewhere.someplace
because you *need* to know Firstname Lastname's name. Don't worry:
there will never be two people named Firstname Lastname on the Internet.
And this won't cause any problems when Firstname Lastname changes
e-mail addresses. Besides, rather than letting Firstname Lastname tell
you his/her e-mail address, you can just pluck it out of the headers,
overriding his/her choice of the address at which he'd like to receive
mailing list traffic.
Q. Should I use subscription verification for my mailing list?
A. What, and make the subscribers jump through *another* hoop?
No, that would be silly. Just assume that nobody would ever be
unscrupulous enough to subscribe another user to a list or 20,000
out of spite -- and even if they were, your list certainly wouldn't
be one of them. After all, if such an absurd thing actually happened,
the victim could just unsubscribe or get a new email address, right?
While you're at it, make sure you ignore these:
Basic Mailing List Management Principles for Preventing Abuse
http://mail-abuse.org/rbl/manage.html
Clueless Mailers' Spamdemic Research Center: Best Practices for Mailing List Management
