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From: Joel K. 'Jay' Furr ([e-mail])
Subject: alt.fan.lemurs: Frinkquently Asked Questions (Part 3 of 7)
Summary: Lemur Humor Part 3
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    Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
               Part 3 of 7  -- Lemur Humor Part Three

------------------------------

                           The Questions

(1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?
(2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?
(3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?
(4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?
(5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?
(6) How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer vacation?
(7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?
(8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed to be
      awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer Vacation
      essay?
(9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?
(10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?
(11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?
(12) How do lemurs taste?
(13) Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?
(14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?
(15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?

The FAQ continues into Part 4, Lemurs Versus Cows.


------------------------------

                             The Answers


(1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?

Tom Cikoski ([e-mail]) wrote:

A short time ago I posted a report on a trip to the Trevor Zoo at the
Millbrook School in New York.  I noted that their ringtail had
adopted a Zonker-like pose high on the wall of his room, catching the
late afternoon rays.

Yesterday I was flipping thru a book on lemurs when, lo and behold,
there's a picture of a ringtail in exactly the same pose!  I had been
thinking that the Millbrook ringtail was some cool character, but in
fact Zonker-behavior is a characteristic of the species.

So, this changes somewhat the recommended method for catching any
ringtails that might be in your neighborhood.

1. If no natural sunbeams are available, set up a sun lamp in a
likely spot.

2. Provide a place for the ringtail to sit in the fashion of a
sunbather at the beach.  You might want to make a small canvas beach
chair or chaise lounge. Make sure it has arms on it for the lemur to
stretch out.

3. You might want to set out some Big K Grape and a few Twinkies, but
I gather that the chance to improve the tan will be a greater attrac-
tion than any snack.

4. A portable radio tuned to an EZ listening station is a nice added
touch.

5. Definitely do NOT put out a pair of Foster Grants.  He wants to
see those rays unhindered.

6. Wait patiently for a ringtail.

Let me know how you fare.  Since I can drive for half-hour and see a
ringtail catching rays I won't need to set this trap myself.

-----------

(2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?

Strange though it may seem, this question HAS come up on alt.fan.lemurs.  The
only answer that has been offered was posted by Vance Kochenderfer:

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Lemur of Death, I shall
fear no evil; thy Twinkies and thy ceiling fans, they comfort me."

Apparently this is part of some obscure creed which lemurs follow.

-----------

(3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?

  Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs
  From: [e-mail] (Torsten Wesley Adair)
  Subject: MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST
  Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:41:43 GMT

  If you're curious, take a second and read this...

  Dear Friend,

  My name is Ignatz Frozzlschnotz.  In September 1988, my car was
  repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
  wouldn't believe.  I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had run
  out.  The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my
  computer and my modem.  I longed to turn my advocation into my
  vocation.

  In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I
  could earn 50,000 Twinkies or more whenever I wanted.  I was
  naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my
  computer.  It's funny though, when you're desperate and backed into a
  corner, your mind does crazy things.  I spent a frustating day
  looking through the want ads for a job with a future.  The pickings
  were sparse at best.  That night I tried to unwind by booting my
  computer and calling several bulletin boards.  I read several of the
  message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer.
  All at once it came to me.  I now had the key to my dreams.

  I realized that with the power of the computer, I could expand and
  enhance this pleasure making formula into the most unbelievable food
  generator that has ever been created.  I substituted the computer
  bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by
  computer what others were doing 100% by mail.  Now only a few letters
  are mailed manually.  Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to
  other bulletin boards throughout the world.  If you believe that
  someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all
  your life, then simply follow the diections below.  Your dreams
  will come true.

  Sincerely yours,

  Ignatz Frozzlscnotz

   -- INSTRUCTIONS --

  Follow these directions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days, you will have
  received well over 50,000 Twinkies, all yours.  This program has
  remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the
  participants.  Please continue its success by carefully adhering to
  the instructions.  Welcome to the world of Mail Order!  This little
  business is a little different than most mail order houses.  Your
  product is not sold or tangible, but rather a service.  You are
  a business of developing Mailing Lists.  Many large corporations are
  happy to pay big bucks for quality lists (the money made from the
  mailing lists is secondary to the Twinkies which are received from
  people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list).

  [1] Immediately mail one Twinkie to the first five (5) names listed
  below starting at number 1 and going through number 5.  Send Twinkies
  only please (total investment is five Twinkies).  Enclose a note with
  each letter stating "Please add my name to your mailing list".  (This
  is a legitimate service that you are requesting, and you are paying
  one Twinkie for this service).

  [2] Remove the name that appears at number 1 on the list.  Move the
  other 9 names up one position.  (Number 2 will become number 1, and
  number 3 will become number 2, etc.).  Place your name, address, and
  zip code in the number 10 position.

  [3] Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into
  ten(10) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file
  section, call the file MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST.

  [4] Within 60 days, you will receive over 50,000 TWINKIES.  Keep a
  copy of this file yourself so that you can use it again whenever you
  need money.  As soon as you mail out these letters, you are
  automatically in the mail order business, and people are sending you
  a Twinkie to be placed on your mailing list.  This list can be then
  be rented to a list broker that can be found in the Yellow Pages for
  additional income on a regular basis.  This list will become more
  valuable as it grows in size.  This is a service.  This is perfectly
  legal.  If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Section 1302 &
  1341 of the postal lottery laws.

  NOTE:  Make sure you retain EVERY name and address sent to you,
  either on computer or hard copy.  Do not discard the names and notes
  they send you.  This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service,
  and should the IRS or any other government agency question you, you
  can provide them with this proof!

  Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
  followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as
  a List Developer with one Twinkie each.  Your name will move up the
  list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5
  position, you will be receiving thousands of Twinkies.

   -- NAMES --

   1.  Elisha Lansman MB
       1087 Brandeis University
       Waltham,  MA  02254-9110

   2.  Dmitri Linde
       744 Mayfield Ave.
       Stanford, CA   94305

   3.  Claude Suddreth
       131 W. Jackson
       South Sapulpa, OK   74066

   4.  Lirong Chen
       124 Stanton Ave. Apt. 6
       Ames, IA   50014

   5.  Angel Negron
       Box 4583
       USAFA, CO   80841

   6.  Hugh MacMullan
       19 Skylonda Dr.
       Woodside, CA   94062

   7.  Scott MacFarland
       1224 E. Lemon #144
       Tempe, AZ   85281

   8.  Kevin Trigger
       125 Honeysuckle Dr.
       Boalsburg, PA   16827

   9.  Rich Wood
       113 Keenan Hall
       Notre Dame, IN   46556-5615

  10.  Torsten Adair
       9319 Meadow Drive
       Omaha, NE  68114-2230

-----------

(4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?

Yes. Here's one true account posted by an alt.fan.lemurs reader, Malinda
McCall ([e-mail]) who was apparently targeted by her
local lemurs.  Malinda, take it away:

  This really happened! Truly!

  >RING!< >RING!< >RING!<

  ME: Hello?

  CALLER: whooooooo frink

  ME: Who is this?

  CALLER: cheepcheepcheep whoo FRINK!

  ME: Is this Eric? I told you, I am not interested. I have a
  boyfriend!

  CALLER: FRINK?

  ME: Yes, frink, and often.

  CALLER: whoo whoo

  ME: Who is that? This is getting annoying.

  CALLER: chirp cheepcheep whooo-frink hssss cheep

  ME: No, I don't have Prince Albert in a can.

  CALLER: whoo. :(

  ME: WHat was that last bit?

  CALLER: :(

  ME: Oh, an inaudible sigh of regret. Say, I have to go to work
  tomorrow, and it is three a.m., so let's cut this short---

  CALLER: frink chirp?

  ME: No, they are white, actually, but I do own some frilly black
  ones. HEY! Cut that out!

  CALLER: cheep cheep cheep whoooo frink

  ME: You must have the wrong number. There is no "Hillary" here.

  CALLER: Frink frink frink whooooooOOOOOoo

  ME: I am positive.

  CALLER: hsssst whoooooo FRINK, whoo whooo chirp.

  ME: My refrigerator is fine, if that is what you mean.

  CALLER: Frink whoo whoo?

  ME: I don't need siding.

  CALLER: Whoo?

  ME: Nope, I have an encyclopaedia.

  CALLER: Chirp chirp whooo

  ME: Time share? I don't exactly have any extra cash to throw away,
  no.

  CALLER: Whoo whooo cheep cheep cheep

  ME: I can't support Perot, the elction is over.

  CALLER: Whoo Cheep Cheep?

  ME: There is no Seymour Butts here.

  CALLER: whooo frink?

  ME: No, there is no Jack Mehoff either.

  CALLER: whooo frink cheep cheep chirp

  ME: I gave at the office.

  CALLER: whooo whooo cheep cheep

  ME: I think I am already 'saved', thank you. Isn't three a.m. a bad
  time to call folks for your church?

  CALLER: whooo frink cheep

  ME: Why yes, I do have a large quantity of delicious grape-flavored
  chemical-enhanced soda!

  CALLER: WHOOOOOO FRINK??

  ME: No, no Twinkies, but I do have lots of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
  and  Ho-Ho's.

  CALLER: whooo frink, cheep?

  ME: It is a lovely chandelier, an antique. It lights the place up
  nicely.

  CALLER: whoo frink frink whoo?

  ME: Why would you want to know if I had a cat? I used to, and I
  should really get around to sealing the cat door, but I've been very busy.

  CALLER: hssss frink!

  Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  zz...

  ME: Hello?

  ME: Hello?

  ME: I think the little cretin hung up.

  [An hour later]

  ME: What the hell is that racket down in my kitchen??

  Malinda

So watch what you say to any lemurs that call you on the telephone.

-----------

(5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?

  Taking physics.  Here's his account:

  Sophomore physics is boring, sometimes.  When I realized I'd be
  spending my summer working out problems about pendulums and such,
  I promised myself that I'd have some fun... no matter what.

  Lemur Philosophy, lesson one:  There's nothing so bad it can't be
  made better by being silly and self-indulgent.

  At first, the homework I turned in was done precisely according to
  the book. Occasionally, I'd state a formula and attribute it to
  Frink, but aside from that there was strictly no goofing about.
  The class was intended to cover a semester's material in six
  weeks.

  As the class progressed rapidly, the questions began to change.
  When quoting problems from the book, I would write in a different,
  but similar, situation.

  One problem asks:

  "A hunter points his rifle at a monkey which is in a tree.  As the
  hunter fires, the monkey lets go of his branch and begins falling.
  Will the bullet hit the monkey?"

  The answer is yes.  The question, however, is rather boring.  When
  I wrote up the problem, I wrote:

  "A lemur is swinging from a chandelier.  His companion is about to
  use a slingshot to deliver a Twinkie to the lemur on the chande-
  lier.  The slingshot is pointed directly at the swinging lemur.
  As his friend lets go of the Twinkie, the first lemur goes into
  his dismount and begins falling.  Will the lemur catch the
  Twinkie?"

  The answer I gave was a proper theoretical argument.  At the end,
  I added:

  "And, of course, there's nothing that can keep a lemur from a
  Twinkie."

  I got an A on that homework...

------------

(6)  How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer?

Vance Kochenderfer ([e-mail]) wrote:

What did I do on my  summer vacation?  Well, not much, although I
managed to spend a lot of money on a car that is now dead.  I also
spent a lot of time thinking about getting a permanent job.  Not too
much lemur-related stuff going on.  The pool party was fun, but
all of the filters are clogged with fur now and I don't think I'll
ever be able to remove all the Big K Grape stains.  Then J. Arthur
Lemur threatened to sue me because he slipped and hit his head on
the diving board even though it was his own damn fault for trying
to do a triple somersault with a half twist when he knew as well
as anyone he couldn't do anything with a degree of difficulty over
3.8.

But they're gone now, apparently back to Virginia Tech to try and
sell elevator passes and tickets to the pool on the roof to the
new freshpeople.

------------

(7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?

Walter Scheuermann ([e-mail])
wrote:

My holidays were once again spent on the British Isles normally
noted only for their Cow population and not for a high concentra-
tion of Lemurs.  Well you have to admit it's not easy to bring a
Lemur to Britain, if you smuggle them they  tend to shout frink at
very inconvenient moments and steal the officers wallets, very
embarrassing. Quarantine is no alternative, if you ever tried to
get a Lemur into quarantine you'll probably know what I'm talking
about.

Well as my journey was coming to an end I had a very strange
experience, it all happened on the Intercity Edinburgh to London
Kings Cross. I boarded the train in Newcastle, not knowing what
was waiting for me and only about 2 miles to Durham it happened.
Suddenly the train came to a halt, first I didn't realize this as
something special but as the conductor reported technical problems
I started to wonder.

After about 1/2 hour of staring out of the window I noticed the
complete lack of farm animals in the area especially Cows. I asked
the conductor whether the train was transporting anything else
then travellers and he told me that there were two more wagons
carrying a load of Twinkies and Grape Soda of unknown value and
suddenly everything became clear to me. I headed for the buffet
wagon and asked for some Grape Soda and as expected the vendor
told me that he had only beer and hot drinks left, another clue to
support my thoughts. I started to watch the repairmen and noticed
that one of them had a black and white tail hanging out of his
pants. The whole operation Big K only took about 3 hours to
complete on our train.

Unfortunately I was not able to leave the train because they had
manipulated the electronics. A smaller group used the resulting
chaos to rob the station kiosks of Durham and Darlington blind of
any candy bars.

------------

(8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed
to be awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer
Vacation essay?

Richard Hartman ([e-mail]) wrote:

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] (Joel
Furr) writes:
>I've still got that case of Big K Grape Soda that I bought to award to the
>person who posted the funniest What My Lemurs Did Over Summer Vacation
>article, and since only two people said anything and neither was funny,
>it's still waiting for a winner.

Examine that case carefully.  This may be an empty claim.  According
to all reports my lemurs' summer project was to infiltrate and claim
the prize prior to it's awarding.

They tunnelled up under the crate and used high speed drills to tap
into the bottles from underneath without breaking the glass.  Then
they just stood in the tunnels with their little mouths wide open
to slurp up the prize.  There was only a little pushing and shoving
since there were almost enough soda streams for them all (although
it did take little Joseph a few days to get his fur all un-sticky).

So, everyone out there, beware!  The LGSST (Lemur Grape Soda Strike Team)
has been blooded and is thirsty for more action!

More to the point, there is no prize left to compete for, so save your
entries, 'twill be for naught!

(Joel: as proof that the LGSST was actually there, they say that you
should take down that tacky "dogs playing poker" wall hanging....)


------------


(9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?

Well, possibly.  Some time back, Jeffrey Klein wrote:

  Yes, friends, VaporComix is pleased to announce the launching
  of the world's first lemur anthology comic series,

   ---LEMURS-A-GO-GO!---

  Preview of issue #1:

  [] Fans of all-out action will thrill to the riotous return of
  the priemier prosimian pugilist, the monstrous Madagascarite,
  LEMORO, the LEMUR who WALKS like a MAN!  In his latest reign
  of terror, Lemoro must face the bovine Brodbignagian, KOW KONG!

  [] Pablo Picasso, Norman Rockwell, Ernest Hemingway and Elliot
  Ness will be just a few of the guest stars in a series detailing
  the early adventures of the lemur whose name IS adventure, in
  THE YOUNG INDRI-ANA JONES CHRONICLES!

  [] We begin our tribute to the great American actor James Stewart
  with MR. LEMUR GOES TO WASHINGTON, the story of a mild-mannered
  gentle lemur who accidentaly finds himself in the U.S. Congress!
  Soon, he sets to rid Washington of corruption by staring at
  politicians with his huge, baleful eyes and pointing at them
  with his long, bony, accusing finger!  Dir: Frink Capra.

  Well, that's what we have planned for the first issue of
  LEMURS-A-GO-GO, and all of us here at VaporComix hope you
  go out and pick up a copy Real Soon Now!  We look forward
  to your feedback!

------------

(10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?

Many.  Lemurs are highly musical beasts, you know.

Sue Miller, noted playwright, shared with us part of the libretto from "Lemur
Side Story":

  The wildly popular lemur musical Lemur Side Story opens to the
  sound of cud chewing and hooves clicking.  The cows are discussing
  herd politics.

        When you're a cow, you're a cow all the way,
        From your first slurp of milk to your last bale of hay!
        When you're a cow, someone hears when you moo --
        You've got your herd around, you're gregarious too!

        The cowship is here!  The bovine plan's succeedin'.
        You lemurs frink off, 'cause every cow's proceedin' ...
        The herd's stampedin'!

  Meanwhile, our hero, the ringtailed lemur, has just met his true
  love.  Alas, she is of the wrong species.

        The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
        Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...
        All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
        Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...

        Sifahka!
        I just met a Coquerel's Sifahka.
        And suddenly I found Twinkies wrappers all around my floor!
        Sifahka!
        A cute little fuzzy sifahka
        Will bang on all my screens, and hog the whole big screen TV!

        Sifahka.  Say it loud and the cow's will get you.
        Say it soft and they'll never forget you.

        Sifahka.  I'll swing all night long with Sifahkas.

  WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR LOVERS?
        WILL TRUE LOVE TRIUMPH OVER EVOLUTION?

  OR WILL THE BOVINE PLOT DESTROY THEIR
        HAPPINESS ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD?

  AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE MYSTERIOUS SHAPES IN THE SKY?

------------

(11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?

Christopher Hoskins ([e-mail]) wrote:

My roommate and myself now suspect that there is a lemur hiding here in
our dorm under the guise of a MTU student.  We have conclusive proof of
him begging for a twinkie while he was sleeping.  HIS roommate captured
this vital evidence on tape.  An interesting happenstance, if you ask
me.  It could be coincidence, but then again, you can never be too safe
when you have a stash of twinkies in the room.

What tests should we perform now to gather conclusive evidence that he is
really a lemur in sheep's clothing?

------------

(12) How do lemurs taste?

Bill Sellers ([e-mail]) supplied the answer when this
question came up:

In article <[e-mail]> [e-mail] writes:
>Nice place. I think I will visit more often.
>How do lemurs Taste?

With their sharp little teeth and questing tongues.  How do you taste?

------------

(13)  Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?

Apparently not.

The Crafts Lady ([e-mail]) wrote:

Help!

Last month, we hired a lemur to do odd jobs around the house -
jobs so odd only a lemur could do them. He would polish the
insides of our shoes, wax the ceilings, and vacuum the lawn. They
are remarkably well suited to this sort of work, and we were very
satisfied with his performance.

Unfortunately, our daughter fed the lemur some leftover fried
chicken after school one day and he has acquired quite a taste for
the food. He now eats between five and six pounds of fried chicken
a day, pausing only to belch and stretch while the spent carcass
is removed from his plate and another delivered by a family
member. My wife no longer has time for housekeeping and our house
has gradually become a frowsy shambles. Rats nest in the pantry,
and the roof may collapse soon. I hate to say it, but I believe
the lemur has outlasted his welcome in our home.

Have any readers of this newsgroup ever dismissed a lemur from
domestic service? Since they are endangered, are there any special
procedures that must be followed? I would prefer to break the news
gently, as I do not want to hurt his feelings, and I do not relish
the prospect of having my esophagus removed by the arboreal
nocturnal mammal and used as a stylish fashion accessory (as this
is a leading cause of death I understand in Madagascar, if ever
there was one) as you can well imagine.

------------

(14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?

Bill Sellers ([e-mail]) wrote:

Spurred on by the ever-helpful Rachel Perkins, I am posting a series of
possible names for that which is not yet named, to wit, the offspring of
lemurs.  What shall they be called as individuals, and what as a litter?

Here are some possibilities.

Category              Single                  Several
~~~~~~~~              ~~~~~~                  ~~~~~~~
Ultra-cute            lemlet, lemlette        fluff

Cute                  lemurling               bundle

Neutral               young                   litter

Not very cute         sprog                   heap

Bizarre               gruntling               packet

Usenet                troll                   kibo


------------

(15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?

Torsten Adair ([e-mail]) wrote:

As I was reading the Sunday edition of the Omaha World-Herald this
morning, I came across a short article and photo describing the
construction of a new "Super K" store in Lincoln, Nebraska.  This
store is owned by the K-Mart Corporation, and has nothing to do
with the Circle K stores.

However, according to the article, these new stores will combine
grocery stores and K-Mart stores, and will be arranged thematical-
ly, so that baby strollers will be located near baby food and
diapers.  Thus, it will be even easier for Lemurs to locate
necessary items, such as Twinkies, grape soda, electronics,
and fusion generators.  I doubt that these stores will use the
swinging fluorescent lamps found in most stores, but the recessed
ceiling panels should allow Lemurs even easier access to most
parts of the store, concealed behind the foam panels, crawling
along the wiring and asbestos-free pipes.

The article did mention two Super-Ks in Ohio, one of which is in
Medina.  Would anyone care to report on the architecture, layout,
and security systems used in the Super-Ks?

------------

The FAQ continues into Part 4, "Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows."

  ------------------------------------------------------------------
       Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, [e-mail]
    Republished May 11, 2000 by Joel K. 'Jay' Furr, [e-mail]