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Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!eru.mt.luth.se!news.algonet.se!eua.ericsson.se!cnn.exu.ericsson.se!newshost.convex.com!newsgate.duke.edu!news.mathworks.com!news-peer.gsl.net!news.gsl.net!news.sgi.com!news1.best.com!news.thenet.net!news.io.com!pentagon.io.com!wilf From: wilf@io.com (Bulldog) Newsgroups: alt.bigfoot,alt.answers,news.answers Subject: alt dot bigfoot (strong and free) FAQ Part 1/2 Supersedes: <FAQpt1.Sep23.1996@io.com> Followup-To: alt.bigfoot Date: 27 Sep 1996 17:00:26 -0500 Organization: Bulldogs of the World Lines: 1232 Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.EDU Distribution: world Expires: Fri, 4 Oct 1996 00:00:00 GMT Message-ID: <FAQpt1.Sep27.1996@io.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: bermuda.io.com Summary: This posting contains the frequently asked questions (and the answers) to alt dot bigfoot (strong and free). It should be read by anyone who is interested in joining alt dot bigfoot (strong and free). (Please remember that lurking is prohibited in alt dot bigfoot. Lurking is a violation of the first commandment of alt dot bigfoot (strong and free)). Xref: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu alt.bigfoot:63673 alt.answers:20773 news.answers:82873 Archive-name: bigfoot/part1 Posting-Frequency: every 7 days Last-modified: 1996/1/17 Version: 1737.9 An html (Web) version is also available at http://www.io.com/~wilf/bigfoot/ In keeping with BIGFOOT policy #IP8675309, the newsgroup ALT.BIGFOOT is required to post, at frequent intervals, (currently, whenever we feel like it) a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions). The questions addressed herein are listed at the top of the FAQ for easy reference. Questions, comments, and suggested additions regarding this FAQ (as per standard BIGFOOT policy) will be cheerfully accepted by the ALT.BIGFOOT member, Wilf (aka Bulldog) and should be addressed to, "wilf@io.com". Alt Dot Bigfoot FAQ ******************* First things first: The Alt Dot Bigfoot Flag ======================== begin 644 flag.gif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end The Alt Dot Bigfoot National Anthem =================================== (sung to the tune of the Canadian national anthem) Alt-Dot-Bigfoot... Our newsgroup strong and free... We'll kick the ass... Of everyone we see... The other groups, are all just freaks... Just take a look at ASH... The losers who, post to that group... Are nothing more than trash... God keep our group... Offensive as can be... Alt-Dot-Bigfoot... We stand on guard for thee... ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!!!!! Frequently Asked Questions ========================== Q1. What is the history and purpose of alt.bigfoot? Q2. Who are the members of alt.bigfoot? Q3. The members sound fascinating! Can I know more? Q4. Does alt.bigfoot have a charter? Can I see it? Q5. How do I join ? Q6. What exactly is a moose poem? Q7. What is the defense policy of alt.bigfoot? Q8. What is the position of alt.bigfoot towards MOOSE? Q9. Does alt.bigfoot have an anthem? Q10. What is the dominant philosophical position in a.b ? Q11. How do others in the net feel about alt.bigfoot? Q12. Are there any other songs about alt.bigfoot? Q13. What is the official unit of exchange for alt.bigfoot? Q14. What is the financial situation of alt.bigfoot? Q15. What are the 10 commandments of alt.bigfoot? Q16. Has anyone on this newsgroup ever seen Bigfoot? Q17. Who is Bigfoot's mother? Does he have health insurance? Q18. Does Bigfoot have a son? Q19. What about those stupid Pizza Hut ads? Q20. What trends should I expect in '94? Q21. Are Mooses well versed in the arts? Q22. What else should I know about Mooses? Q23. What happened in the war with alt.flame ? Q24. How do others feel about doing battle with alt.bigfoot. Q25. What exactly do Bigfooter's drink? Q26. Any previews of upcoming events available? Q27. What about alt.bigfoot's fine moose poetry? Q28. When exactly was alt.bigfoot created? Q29. What's this we hear about the Kids in the Hall? Q30. Where is the great Farleymeister? Q31. What is the official alt.Bigfoot disclaimer? Q32. Any other wise words wrt whiners ? Q33. What about work ? Q34. What is the Bigfoot Shuffle^(tm) ?? Q35. What's the the deal with Norway^(tm) ?? Q35. What's the the deal with rec.pets.cats ?? Q35. Were Nostradamus and Bigfootdamus pals? Q1. What is the history and purpose of alt.bigfoot? Bigfoot learned to disguise himself as a weiner-dog in the late 1970's, and then as a wild chicken. Then bigfoot was run over and discovered the road-kill disguise. And, using this disguise, he travelled undetected throughout North America during the 1980's. Then he started to use the weiner-dog and wild chicken disguises again because his previous disguise was starting to smell bad - plus the road-kill disguise had a cable-tv outlet and bigfoot was tired of trying to find a place to "plug-in". Then bigfoot "undisguised" himself and went to California, and elsewhere. One of bigfoot's forefathers - named Bigfootdamus - used to stare into a bowl of Kokanee beer and see the future. He wrote the manuscripts of bigfoot, prophesying the creation of the alt.bigfoot newsgroup and it's unltimate catastrophic demise at the hands of alt.suicide. holiday. Bigfootdamus predicted 13 signs that would lead to "the end" but provided magic bigfoot power to help prevent this tragic armageddon, in which all the evils of the newsgroups would flow into the souls of the alt.bigfoot members. The signs were provided in written form to the Supreme Commander in an attempt to allow him, and his followers, to form a compound in Waco and break the chain of signs leading to "the end". But Waco was already in use, and the only logical location to counter the ASH attack was from the alt.bigfoot newsgroup itself. An entire camp of bigfoots awaited the outcome of the initial chain of signs and provided dirty bigfoot underwear to Luke. It was planned, by the bigfoots, to promote discontent and a lack of unity in alt.bigfoot so that the various members would gain strength. This strength would ultimately be used in the anti-ASH campaign. The evil ones in ASH attempted to cut the ability of bigfooters to communicate using "bad magic". With each new suicide, they too gain strength. The 9th sign has now passed and, after the 11th sign, magic will be introduced by the Supreme Commander and Merlin. Mr Alex is currently hunting for giant-breasted zeppelins to assist the guerilla attacks against all other newsgroups - he *may* be back. Besides, nobody's going to starve when there's Roast Beef around, hey Wild Bill? UPDATE The evil surge of ASH was repelled by alt.bigfoot. The world was saved from certain doom and destruction. No applause, just throw money. Q2. Who are the members of alt.bigfoot Honorable Members (with official titles) Supreme Commander Supreme Commander of all net-land Mr. Bigfoot Bigfoot (CEO) R.O.S.B.F (Roast Beef) Alt dot Bigfoot Virus manufacturing and deployment. Luke Driving Teacher Merlin Alt dot Bigfoot Wizard. Wild Bill Crowd Control Officer Antebi (CyberPorchMonkey) (Cyber) Porch Monkey Dewme Moose Trivia Expert Mr.Alex Used Giant Breasted Zeppelin Salesman. Mr.Dave Alt dot bigfoot's Text Formatter St. Bob Pontif of Alt dot Bigfoot Farleymeister Perimeter control officer Hooten III Chicken expert Flat 4 Frosh advisory committee Paal D. Ekran (The Last Viking) For moose poemetry. Paal is skating on thin ice as a former flamer *and* as a Norwegian. But the norwegians have a good record when it comes to moose conduct. We'll be watching him closely. Rev. Dr. Freak For offering moose gifs/jpegs (we can be bought) Wilf (aka bulldog) Alt dot Bigfoot Resident Guard Dog. Nigh Honourable Members 'Winder For fearlessly defending a.b while the honourable members were at the pub. Willy Whats-his-name: He has a foul mouth, but he *can* moose poem Tim Seeney For advancing the art of moose poemetry Alex Black For also advancing the art of moose poemetry V-x For hating our Evil Enemies Bungaloo Kitty (aka Oxidizing Dragon) For the 'moose lust' series of moose poemetry. Trouble Man For defence of alt dot bigfoot and for courage when faced with the evil she-bitch. Silas Salmonberry For serious bigfoot research. Henry Franzoni For serious bigfoot research. Brian (the Irish guy, real irish) For serious bigfoot research. Evil Enemies Sharon H Bigfoot Wannabees Barbara Abernathy She tried hard in alt.music.nirvana but the do-gooders iced her. Maybe another time Babs. Brian Aitken He tries to be a bigfooter, but he really is too pathetic and weak to attain out lofty status. #serious mode ON Jack Maxfield (aka Stainless Steel Moviegoer, King of alt.whine) Not a chance. Weenies are not allowed. Those who religiously guard their real name are not only *real-life* losers, they truly need help. Alt dot bigfoot has promised to help pay for his visits to the little doctor who speaks softly. He's also the only one who every reads the FAQ and searches to see if he is mentioned. #serious mode OFF John Dobbs (aka Floyd Johnson) A harmless bot. He gets rid of newbies, which is good, and he is easy to kill file. An all-round nice guy when you get to really know him. Most of the inner circle members have talked to him via the "other accounts" and agree that although he tries hard, he doesn't quite get it. Q3. The members sound fascinating! Can I know more? Since you asked nicely, here are some member biographies (3/94) Supreme Commander Founding member of alt.bigfoot. I'm a 29 year-old engineer in Vancouver who abandoned reality after discovering net-world and alt.bigfoot. I love mooses - especially big, doopy, stinky ones that wander aimlessly, yet gracefully, through the forest. I've met bigfoot several times; each time he was wearing a different disguise - weiner dog, chicken, road kill, sexy woman in a bar. In summer, I'm always on my mountain bike. In winter, I shiver in the corner and rock back and forth. My primary objective in life is to purge net-land of net-freaks and retire at age 35. CyberPorchMonkey (CPM) 3'11 and 297 lb. Mechanical Lower Primate. Loves porch swings. Veteran of many bloody Net-Battles and received SC's highest medal of honor for his work against the viciously angst-ridden war mongers of ASH. Short in temper, Big in heart. Would cut off his tail for Bigfoot or the Moose. Eek! Eek! Eek! UQA rescued from certain doom by the Moose, is a paraplegic sworn to defending Alt dot Bigfoot from his chair, his bed, or wherever his enemy, The Nurse, may choose to put him. Farleymeister Born with the mind of a thirty-year-old, he was constantly stifled and mortified until a vision of Bigfoot and the Moose brought him to his senses (and alt.bigfoot). Having retired from the profession of flamer-killing (as they are all living dead by now), he spends his quiet afternoons composing poetry and arranging flowers. R.O.S.B.F. (Roast Beef) Disillusioned with science and life, she fell into the ways of the Moose and Bigfootdamus as an escape from the evil Jackboss! Now she happily spends her time engineering viruses to weaken all foes of the Foot! wilf (Bulldog) Wilf has a PhD in garbology from Steve's and Joe's College. His PhD dissertation concentrated on the safe disposal of toxic and obnoxious net trash. In his spare time he studies ways of preserving moose habitat. St.Bob 28 year old statistical data consultant for the State of North Carolina. Patron Saint of the over-worked, under-paid, and rarely-appreciated working class. Having left Plato's allegorical cave of complete ignorance in search of truth, I found Bigfoot and the Moose waiting for me with a can of Kokanee at the end of my quest. Q4. Does alt.bigfoot have a charter? Can I see it? CURRENT PURPOSE OF ALT.BIGFOOT (Bigfoot Charter): 1. To discuss the activities of bigfoot today, in the past, and in the future. Topics include: a) Bigfootdamus and his predictions relating to bigfoot and alt.bigfoot. b) The manuscripts of bigfoot. c) Saving the network, and world, from armageddon. d) (this space intentionally left blank) e) Sightings of bigfoot. f) Use of bigfoot magic. 2. To hate ASH (alt.suicide.holiday) and everyone associated with that newsgroup. 3. To kick out of alt.bigfoot all non-members in a politically incorrect manner. 4. To rant and rave about anything that is on your mind. 5. To *collectively* influence other newsgroups and the world with our Bigfoot philosophies and Moose ways! 6. To *collectively* target enemy individuals and "put them in their place". 7. To support and fight for all official members. 8. To without mercy poke fun at Eurotrash and alt.flamers. 9. To start an anti-Douglas Adams campaign if he doesn't reply to our guest speaker invite! (How rude!) 10. To provide humor and purpose in life. Q5. Can lowly me ever hope to become part of this interesting group? Well, we were all once like you. But, if you wish to become a member, please email the Supreme Commander at trent@mprgate.mpr.ca. You must: 1. Agree to respect the Bigfoot Charter 2. Provide your reasons for wanting to become a member of alt.bigfoot. 3. Given the Supreme Commander's (i.e. trent's) approval, you must post at *least* two poems about moose, which will then be critiqued by the members of alt.bigfoot. 4. Bye us all some beer. 5. Read and analyze "If You Give A Moose A Muffin". A committe of official members will discuss the merits of your submission, and a response will be given once a decision has been reached or after the beer runs out which ever comes first. Q6. What exactly is a moose peom? Moose-Poem (moos poh-em) n. literary composition in verse expressing deep moose feelings or noble moose thoughts in an imaginative way. Must have IOC - Ingenuity, Originality, and Creativity! Q7. Does alt.bigfoot have a defense policy? I'd also like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention the *threat* we face from *enemy* newsgroups. There are numerous large newsgroups out there who would just love to capture alt.bigfoot for its raw talent and stategic location. We must work to ensure that these enemies of alt.bigfoot never enter our territory! That's why I propose to develop a NGN ("News Group Nuke") defense system! And was it EVER developed! NGN was deployed and used successfully against the flamers in the early days of January 1994. Fallout was noted but scientist assure us there is absolutely no danger. The flamers may have suffered some brain damage but it is so hard to tell. Don't mind the two headed dogs running around. Okay, everyone. I think we should step back a moment and take a deep breath and start yogic flying. Listen, the Natural Law party has Scientific Proof that 7000 yogic flyers will imbue Canada will a Meissner-effect like defence shield that will keep out evil thoughts, making Canada impregnable!! So what are we waiting for?? NEW IMPROVED DEFENCE PLAN FOR ALT.BIGFOOT 1. Take the Lagrangian of Alt.Bigfoot, ie. L = T-V = re'kgj .wr,f `welkif[woeirf wqeof q[ewp (in top-secret code, of course). 2. Find Equations of Motion of Alt.Bigfoot by integrating L, ie. / | L d(Alt.Bigfoot) = s23-9r83~5~4~rufcpihjfcw;ofhc;wq / (again, in top-secret bigfoot code). 3. AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK OF WHAT THIS MEANS!!!!!! First, it is an obvious consequence of 2. that all we need are 17 yogic bigfoot flyers and alt.bigfoot will DISAPPEAR FROM THE MINDS OF ALL SQUID-LIKE SELF-FELLATIATING CREATURES (ie. hOOTEN_II), and we will never ever be bothered by them again. Second, think of the improved invasion possibilities our new yogic bigfoot flying will afford us!!! Third..ohoh..I`m so excited i'm levitating, i cant reach m Termination Song Happy TERMINATION day to you! Happy TERMINATION day to you! Happy TERMINATION day Evil Enemies! Happy TERMINATION day to you! IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!... The Supreme Commander and Merlin of Bigfoot are pleased to announce, on this November 1, 1993, the approval of alt.bigfoot funding towards the *final* stage of our most secret defense project. This project, classified at top-secret and carried out at our Whistler Mountain Military Facilities, has wrapped up the research phase and is now going into production. All of you bigfootians our there will be please to hear that your tax dollars have been used wisely by our scientific community to develop a... TERMINATOR BIGFOOT!!!!! That's right. Soon, we will no longer have to risk Merlin's life in the assassination of Net-Freaks (TM). Instead, our command and control center will simply be able to provide a terminator bigfoot with the name of the victim, as well as his or her home town, and termination will be guaranteed! Stay tuned, all you Net-Freak enemies of the Foot, for soon we'll be singing *your* Happy Termination song! Grumpy Moose As Supreme Commander of alt.bigfoot, I am please to announce the completion of yet another top-secret defense development. It is Project #460-439930C, coded named "Grumpy Moose". We now have a number of life-sized mechanical moose that look, feel, smell, walk, drool, etc just like a real moose. You can't tell them apart from the real thing. But these moose have one special surprise associated with them... They're each equipped with small, internal micronuclear explosives - approximately 1/10 kiloton of explosive power. Our grumpy moose are sooooooo lovable. They've got giant faces and huge antlers (which form parabolic antennas for satellite up/down-links). They're deep thoughtful eyes will make the most hardened enemy soft-hearted. The grumpy moose will be able to penetrate any enemy location and, upon contact with the programmed enemy, DETONATE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Alt.bigfoot is getting stronger!!!!! Beware, evil enemies! Virus Defense Mechanisms Nor can we forget the Bigfootviridae engineered to destroy enemies of Bigfoot and the Moose! One was specially designed to attack Hooten II and weaken him so that Merlin could finish him off! Auntie-NGN Cancel-bot to cancel all our Evil Enemies posts (just to make him/her mad). Happy Moose Dirty slimey 'nice' tactics. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww !! Q8. What is the position of alt.bigfoot towards mooses? The members of alt.bigfoot are of two minds -- both pro and con. Although, with the recent unexpected outpouring of moose poetry, the pro-moose group appears to be gaining ground. >Sure, I'm a moosaholic... So what?? It isn't a >self-destructive obsession. It doesn't hurt anyone. >So what is the problem? Mooses are goofy. Mooses >are stinky. Mooses are "doopy". Having mooses around >the house promotes a calm, peaceful environment. And >mooses can be named the most bizarre names, and they'll >never complain. My favorite is Super-Doopy-Doo! It's >just *great*. I love mooses!!!!!! Now do you understand? >No? Well just f**k-it then! You'll never understand! >I HATE MOOSES TO PIECES!!!! BAW HAW HAW!! Why don't >you get OUT of this group and start posting in alt.moose. >Personally the REAL people of the world prefer the >Shaven Yak. Q9. Does alt.bigfoot have an anthem? (sung to the tune of the Canadian national anthem) Alt-Dot-Bigfoot... Our newsgroup strong and free... We'll kick the ass... Of everyone we see... The other groups, are all just freaks... Just take a look at ASH... The losers who, post to that group... Are nothing more than trash... God keep our group... Offensive as can be... Alt-Dot-Bigfoot... We stand on guard for thee... ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!!!!! Q10. What is the dominant political philosophical position espoused by the members of alt.bigfoot? Power is what makes the world go 'round! All the atoms, other than hydrogen and helium, were created in exploding stars. Talk about power! And power politics (or real politik) also make the world go round, just ask Thucydides, Charlemange, Napolean, Richard the Lionhearted, Hitler, Churchill, Morgenthau, or the Supreme Commander. Santa Cruz isn't representative of how the rest of the world works my pot-addled friend. You can't expect to get by your whole life wearing tie-dye shirts, not washing your hair, and going to campus sponsored orgies! NO! YOU'VE GOT TO FLAME PEOPLE! MERCILESSLY! HERE AT ALT.BIGFOOT, WE PROBE THE INNER SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE! SO IF YOU CAN'T EVEN GET SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THIS THROUGH YOUR THICK MELON, HOW CAN YOU HOPE TO UNDERSTAND THE INTRICACIES OF BIGFOOT HIMSELF! Q11. How do others in the net feel about alt.bigfoot? Naturally, when faced with the wit and brilliance shown in our group, some become a bit testy out of pure jealousy. >And this sums up alt.bigfoot quite nicely. Just a >pile of,well,big footy things, which noone gives any >attention exept for a bunch of twig-wielding loonies, >who treat it as a sacred place, for no reasons known, >not even to them, but still they do it, while chanting >obnoxious pseudo-poems concerning mooses and other >ridiculous forest inhabitants, >SUBSCRIBERS TO THIS GROUP SEEM TO ME NOTHING MORE THAN A >GROUP OF INSIPID FOOLS WHO ARE ENTANGLED IN THIER OWN >SELF-PROCLAIMED WIT. IT IS EVIDENT THAT YOU ALL HAVE WAY >TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS, SO GET YOUR RESPECTIVE PAROLE >OFFICERS TO SCHEDULE SOME SORT OF GROUP THERAPY But some become irresistably drawn to alt.bigfoot members > Wilf, Wilf, Wilf, Wilf, Wilf! --(Babs "Beulah-Mae" Abernathy) >Dear Ms Roast Beef, > I hereby formally apologize for my rude and >ungentlemanly behaviour. Please except these and let >me not suffer any longer the thought of offending >an exquisite creature like Yourself! --(Docotr L.R. Coppejans) Not to mention the well-filled harems of SC, CPM, and Wild Bill! And who can forget the last words from Mr. Alex! > HI folks, >I have a vree weekend,the first one this year. It's like >a holiday to me. I think I get drunk all Saterday and commit >suicide on Sunday. > >It was real shit knowing you all and I don't hope to meet you >again in Hell. But where is Hell. HAHAHAH HELL IS HERE !!! >Hmmm This is starting to get FUN FUN FUN. Maybe I just stay >for another week to annoy you and get everybody to hate me. >That would be nice !!!! Lets vomit in this group. Anybody >that wants to vomit with me ??? First lets eat and then puke >in this group. It's for no use anyway. People that commit >suicide don't write !! THEY PUKE !! hahhahahahahh blood >out there mouth of the bullit that reached there stommic >yes it's a said said story. > > MR Alex. Q12. The newsgroup anthem was so stirring, are there any other patriotic songs about alt.bigfoot? Yes indeedy -- there are. The first is sung to the tune of cookie monster's, C is For Cookie: B is for Bigfoot it's good enuf for me B is for Bigfoot obnoxious yesiree B is for Bigfoot let's keep it heathen free ooooh Alt-Dot-Bigfoot I'm for thee! The second is sung to the tune of Kate Smith's favorite number... God bless alt-dot-bigfoot newsgroup that I love oh fight with her and rid her of the lame with a flame from above rid her of ASH freaks and net misfits and rabid Hootens white with FOAAAAM! God bless alt-dot-bigfoot my net-dot-home God bless ALT-DOT-BIGFOOT MY NET-DOT-HOOOOOME! also, there's the moving Hail Alt dot Bigfoot Hats off to you Ever you'll find us loyal and true Loving all mooses always we'll be to the group we love Here's a toast to thee.... Sing to the Brady Bunch theme... Here's a story, of a freak named Murdoc, Who hated mooses, bigfoot and Canucks, So he found a great refuge, in Alt dot Flame, With other low-IQ f*cks. Alt Dot Bigfoot, was a great Net-Empire, With the most brilliant people found in all Net Land, They loved Mooooooo-ses, and Bigfootdamus, Their group was truly grand! Till the one day when the Flamers met ol' Bigfoot, And they both knew that it was much more than a hunch. That Alt Dot Bigfoot, would crush the net-freaks With Bigfoot's mighty punch! Now the Flamers are all running scared and confused, And with fear, in the background they will lurk. Alt Dot Bigfoot is the sole Super-Power, Of the whole damn Usenet network! Alt Dot Bigfoot! Alt Dot Bigfoot! They're the best. They're the tops!! Alt Dot Bigfoot! And next we offer.... Alt dot Bigfoot, Our newsgroup strong and free. We'll kick the ass Of all net-freaks we see! There is one guy who'll burn in hell He'll be screaming in the fire. The name of that net-freak is known To be Mark Vieselmeyer! Mark's not too bright It's obvious to me. Let's nominate him As our new net-monkey! Our final number is from the Supreme Commander (Sung to Bob Hope's theme song...) Thanks... for the memories. The great bigfoot bash. The trashing of ASH. The Bigfootdamus fun. And newsgroups on the run. So THANK YOU, my friends! Q13. What is the official unit of exchange for alt.bigfoot? Our newsgroup has many fine atributes. We have a Supreme Commander, a financial policy, a mascot, a defence policy, a newsgroup anthem, history, poetry, literature, and of course, evil enemies. What we don't have however is a unit of exchange. Thus, I propose the Thigh Master (tm) as the official unit of exchange for the newsgroup alt.bigfoot, and I propose this for many reasons. First, the Thigh Master (tm) brought back Suzanne Somers' career from the dead just as the Supreme Commander brought back alt.bigfoot from the dead. Second, say you're waiting in line to make a deposit at a bank. You could take the Thigh Master (tm) and get a good workout while you're waiting. And third, if Hooten tried to sneak up on you from behind, you could wack him on the head with the Thigh Master (tm) and protect yourself. The thing does have some heft after all. Official exchange rate: 1 Thigh Master (tm) = $17.99 + tax (US) $24.99 (Canada) In Moose We Trust / E. Pluribus Bigfootdamus Q14. What is the financial situation of alt.bigfoot? I, the Supreme Commander, am pleased to reveal, for the FAQ, Alt.Bigfoot's Balance Sheet. It's been a pleasure managing our fine newsgroup's assets! Assets: Cash ThighMaster$ 3,000,000 Gold 88,200,000 Newsgroup holdings 37,500,000 Rap music albums 1 Wedding rings 12,800,000 "Final Exit" books 2,300,000 Beatles music 1 Cat food 100 Dead cat 1 Everything pillaged from a.flame (used syringes)1 Kokanee 2,700,000 Techno-war hardware 48,800,000 Techno-war software 49,600,000 Moose reservation 11,300,000 Coka Cola 800,000 Diet Pepsi 100,000 ----------- 257,100,004 Liabilities: Newsgroup Visa bill Thigh-Master$ 1 Total Bigfooter's Equity 257,100,003 ----------- 257,100,004 Q15. What are the 10 commandments of alt.bigfoot? And were they found on Mount Horab? Ten Commandments of Alt dot Bigfoot I don't care what moral rules of conduct you subscribe to in the real world, but in alt dot bigfoot-land, these are the rules (unless of course the Supreme Commander vetoes them, since it is *his* group): 1. Thou shalt not lurk (except in lurker threads)! 2. Thou shalt not bare false witness against mooses. 3. Thou shalt drink kokanee. Lotsa a kokanees. And then write moose poetry. 4. Thou shalt hate thy flamer, and hate him/her well! 5. Thou shalt only worship the one true Supreme Commander, get out when he says, and *stay* out. 6. Thou shalt hate ASH-heathens, *really* hate ASH- heathens. Maybe even more than flamers. 7. Thou shalt recite the Official Bigfoot National Anthem daily. 8. Thou shalt worship the alt dot bigfoot FAQ, as the one true gospel. 9. Thou shalt not send get well cards to sys-admins under any circumstances. Handle it yourself. Think ! Use that noggin' that bigfoot gave you !! (Mail bombs and hate email are also un-moose like). 10. If ya can't take the heat, go to alt dot flame, do not collect 200 Thigh-Masters. Q16. Has anyone on this newsgroup ever seen bigfoot? I am about to tell you of the wonderful and enchanting events which befell me on my expedition the past 2 days which will forever alter how I view this crazy topsy-turvey buttery thing called life. It all started on Thursday morning around 8:00 am. I jumped in my car and headed out on I-70 in search of Bigfoot. I didn't have to travel far before I found him. I stopped at the Village Tavern outside of Falls City, Indiana for a bite to eat. That is where I smelled the inexplicable stench. I guess the best I can do is to say it smelled like something which had gone rotten months ago. Like a road kill but worse...MR Alex's cage? I ventured out into the nearby woods.. this is where I saw the most amazing sight in my life.. It was even more amazing than I had ever imagined. It was tall and fat and hairy... It was Bigfoot! It has been said that all good relationships start with quiet observation...actually I just made that up, does it sound stupid? :) This exact same strategy worked for me w/ a monkey at the zoo. "Aaaarrrgggh!!!! Ouch!" I soon realized that maybe I should change my strategy.. Bigfoot grabbed my MAG-LITE and smashed me on the head with it... Unlike the Three Stooges, I didn't hear a cute little clank sound, and it hurt like hell. I retreated in search of another strategy.. I caught up to Bigfoot a few hours later by the river.. It was time for the heavy artillery.. QUESTIONS.. "What size shoe do you wear?" "When were roads invented?" "How much are bananas?" "How many days are in September?" "Who's Neil Sedaka?" This strategy didn't seem to work very well... I came to the conclusion that if I were ever to be accepted into this wonderful subculture of hairy people who walk through the woods and stink, that I must act like them, talk like them, look like them... and yes.. eventually SMELL like them. I followed them back to their camp where other bigfoots were sitting around the fire talking about the days events. No matter what I tried they just ignored me. After doing the "twist" for three hours straight to an unreceptive audience I felt pretty tired. I always found Mom's advice useful... that if you feel tired no matter where you are, lay down and go to sleep (This always proved to be good advice except for the time I was arrested at the bus stop). So I stretched out infront of the fire and closed my eyes. It was at this point where a particular incident occured which was the turning point of my entire journey.. This event can be summed up in 4 sweet words.. "BIGFOOT STEPPED ON ME".. and did it hurt! I winced in pain! At that point, Bigfoot picked me up, brushed me off, and set me back down. He patted me on the back and gave me a reassuring look. FINALLY! A nugget of approval! They were starting to accept me! I think I was even starting to STINK a little! Little did I know it but..I was about to learn all the rules and rituals of a culture so secret that even Robert Stack can't find it. The first thing Bigfoot and friends taught me was how to act like a wild uncontrollable beast in front of all the hillbillies who pass through their camp for no particular reason. This proved to be pretty easy.. They then showed me ho they avoid getting filmed by camera or video. This is a very delicate procedure involving floss and latex. My FAVORITE thing they showed me was of their different culinary delights! I never knew it, but the woods are literally crawling with food! Dirt, natures perfect food.. so many minerals like iron, zinc, styrafoam... I even tried sticks.. an old Navaho snack treat dating back to the early 19th century.. it's what the Clark Bar is based on. The last night I spent there, sitting around the camp fire I told him of our plight on alt.bigfoot. He promised me he would be present to help save us! Maybe not in pen but in spirit! This was the answer I was looking for! I accepted that fact that there are certain questions of mine that should go left unanswered like.. Where does meat come from? How do fish breathe? Whats the square root of 9? I knew he would be able to answer these but I didn't need to irritate him more than I had to. The next morning I went back to my car and headed home.. The journey, cut short, fulfilled my wildest expectations. Q17. Who is Bigfoot's mother? Does Bigfoot have health insurance? We can't be sure, but the word on the street (and in the forest) is that Kate Smith gave birth to Bigfoot. We also have reason to believe Bigfoot is insured by Blue Shield. Q18. Does Bigfoot Have a Son? I know all about this story. Katie Martin met bigfoot in a cafe in Paris - I think it was north-east of the Louvre way out by the Hoche metro station. There was a strong physical attraction! Katie wanted to see Pigalle at night, but was afraid of going there alone. Bigfoot offered to show her the sights of this area. This is when they fell in love! The Parisians all stared at bigfoot, in disbelief, as the two walked together. It wasn't until bigfoot asked, "Savez-vous ou est le McDonalds?" that they accepted him as just another North American tourist wearing white sneakers and a ski jacket. Sadly, however, Katie did not give birth to the child of bigfoot. That part of the story is nothing more than a *hoax*. For the last few years, she has been gluing synthetic fur onto her child conceived in a fling in the tiny town of Cooktown, north of Cairns, Australia. She wanted society to believe that bigfoot was the father, rather than the Ozzy bartender in the town's bar/bottle-shop, so that she could get a cut of the land-rights of the true native peoples of North America - bigfoots. My the year 2050, bigfoots will own half of the continent after long, expensive legal battles! Q19. What about those stupid Pizza Hut ads? Can't anything be done to prevent embarrassment to bigfoot? I just thought of something. Was watching Wheel of Fortune tonight when on came an ad for Bigfoot Pizza, and then I realized Pizza Hut is not paying tribute to our newsgroup. Perhaps it wouldn't be necessary for SC to *decrease* our taxes if Pizza Hut were to ante up its fair share -- about 43 Billion dollars, to be split amongst the members of alt.bigfoot. (40 billion for me, and 3 billion for the rest of you) I think it's obvious that Pizza Hut is cashing in on the fame and spotless image created by those who post regularly to alt.bigfoot. Because 40 bil. isn't enough money to keep up the standard of living to which I've always dreamed, we will also need to file a bigfoot class action suit against Pizza Hut. You see, the image representing bigfoot is deameaning to bigfoots, as Luke will no doubt attest. (back me up Luke) It is, in fact, a bigoted portrayal of the bigfoot and denies the significant cultural contributions made by the bigfoot to our American way of life. I personally have talked to many talented bigfoots who have been denied successful careers in politics, used car sales, and law because of the ignorant, stereotypical, and hate filled portrayal of bigfoot by Pizza Hut. In one particularly blatant example, a talented bigfoot was forced to wear a chicken, weiner-dog, and road-kill disguise just to get what every red-blooded American has come to expect as his or her God-given right, cable-TV. It's not the money; it's the principle of the thing. I want to get rich quickly off of corporate America. Scratch that, I want to help protect the bigfoot, a peace-loving creature who has contribued unselfishly to this country, who is unable to protect itself, and who wants only to watch Nick at night. Q20. I want to keep up in these changing times! What trends should I expect in 1994? As the new year rolls in, lets take a look at some current Bigfoot trends.. IN OUT alt.flame ASH Shirt sigs ASCII drawings Nova Dodge Kokanee Pabst Blue Ribbon Supreme Commander Barbara Abernasty Parades Invasions Poems Flames Intellect Stupidity Q21. Are Mooses well versed in the arts? What St. Bob didn't explain was that bigfoots and moose are experts in all types of art: dance, fine arts, the martial arts ... Yes, Bigfootdamus perfected the art of BIG-FOOT-DO and used that knowledge to inform his analysis of other arts. In fact, it was Bigfootdamus himself who taught David Carridiene everything he knew for the popular television show "Kung Fu". And if you ever looked at how hairy Chuck Norris is, you'd instantly recognize he has a little bigfoot in his blood, which makes him such a formidible fighter. Steven Segal on the other hand is the anti-bigfoot, which is why he's such a weenie and why he acts so poorly, both on and off screen. If I were you Weasel-greaser (and I'm glad I'm not) I'd pray to the Spirit of the Moose and ask him to forgive your blasphemy. }:)- Then maybe, and that's a big *maybe*, you will be spared from the wrath of Terminator Bigfoot. You have been warned. Q22. What else should I know about mooses? One interesting fact is that a bull MOOSE's antlers are shaped to funnel sound directly into his ear making his hearing much better while he has his full rack. Another is that the MOOSE has panoramic vision. While he/she cannot see much on the vertical plane without raising or lowering his/her head just by turning the head from side to side the MOOSE's blind spot is limited only to below and directly behind his/her body. Q23. I heard of alt.bigfoot's rousing victory over alt.flame! What happened in this glorious war? Alt.Flame (pathetic and weak) vs. Alt dot Bigfoot (strong and free) In early December, a lurking heathen known by the name of Gerard Vos either says something inflamatory or cross-posts an inflamatory remark. Farleymeister attacks in a moose-like-rage. The initial thread was aptly named "Bigfoot!" ! Net vermin such as Net Monkey (aka Mark Weaselmeyer), by- pass lax alt dot bigfoot security. (The security company is axed a short while later). Bigfoot forces unite and begin to goad the enemy into attacking. The ploy works. SC is heard to remark in the fray: "Net Monkey is soooooo stooooopid". Jeff Antebi suggests an alt dot flame moose poem writing contest. Count Bulldog is so happy he writes a moose poem. Alt dot flame forces show their total lack of grey matter by producing no good moose poems. The initial wave of alt dot flame heathen is battled back handily. Then, Babs Abernathy, after being used and tossed aside by Count Bulldog, runs headlong into "The Return of Merlin Bigfoot". Meanwhile, Hooten_II, is still trying to determine whether he is friend or foe. Hooten_II issues the prophetic words "I won't join alt.bigfoot until Merlin returns anyway". Merlin returns. Merlin kills Hooten_II. What transpires between Merlin and Babs is unclear, but in the end, Merlin shows Babs a reflection of herself, and she is terminated. Merlin is injured (slightly) in the altercation. Hooten_III appears. He is Bigfoot material. Alt dot bigfoot, being wise and compassionate, decides that Hooten_III doesn't have to pay for the sins of his forefathers. Hooten_III fights valiantly. More importantly, Hooten_III writes a good moose poem. UQA battles j.Spencer. Flattens him. UQA battles Carey Gagnon, decides that Carey is no match, and battles his nurse instead. Nurse turns out to be a better foe. Throughout the war, St. Bob fights with saintlyness and compassion, unless he finds out that his foe owns a cat. Farleymeister battles on both fronts. He apologizes for having a hand in starting the initial skirmish. No apology was necessary. The foot is full of mercenaries, but we don't do it for money, we do it for *fun*. SC battles from atop his Grumpy-Moose^(tm). Barks out orders which are faithfully carried out by the bigfoot troops. He laughs at the ineptitude and disorganization of the flame forces. Luke fights fearlessly on both alt dot flame and alt dot bigfoot. Luke is heard to say (to a nameless flamable type): "why don't you just do us all a favor and fill out your organ donor card and then promptly kill yourself". The sound of laughter and taunting is heard throughout alt dot bigfoot, (and even as far away as alt dot suicide dot holidays). The thread ends. No-one can top that. Alt dot flame begins to retreat. About this time, SC notices that Mooses Snort when they are really mad, and initiates Operation Moose Snort, with an initial funding of 3.4 M Thigh-Masters^(tm). Issuing of contracts is handled by Count Bulldog. Everyone is paid well for contributing one-liners. The one liner war had a number of stages: v.1: a small shell and awk script to automatically change the headers to point to alt.flame, randomly change followups, etc. To unleash hit 'f' key in response to heathen flame post. v.2: a small script to post N new articles from the oneliner file (randomly) on alt dot flame. I got tired of hitting 'f'. These weren't replies and the "name" was always "Count Bulldog". Key sequence to initiate: oms. v.3: v.1 with random names such as "Mark Weaselmeyer", "Cory Gagnon", "Paula Freewoman", "Barbed Abernathy", etc.... This was the most effective. Initiated with the 'f' key as in v.1. v.4: [Not unleashed yet]. v.3 + "N" random one-liner follow-ups. (A meld of v.2 and v.3). OMS is of course successful, and wound down for humanitarian reasons. A lurker by the name of --C shows up. He had previously been ejected from the domain of bigfoot but fights valiantly against the scarey ganglion nonetheless. The mop up crew is sent in to handle any left over land mines, or flammable snipers. About this time, a plan is hatched in the feeble mind of Bulldog. He thinks that maybe by being nice, they will get bored and leave once and for all. This (albeit disgusting) tactic is tried for a week, but the tactic is just to devious. It again is wound down for humanitarian reasons. Then (for some unknown reason), Merlin and Bulldog re-enter alt dot flame, and kick more butt. More flamers come over to alt dot bigfoot. Although we are outnumbered 10 to 1, our superior technology and wit totally dominates alt dot flame. During the whole war, which was based on purely non-nuclear weaponry (allthough some biological weapons were deployed), alt dot bigfoot was sitting on their very own weapon of mass destruction, News Group Nuke... News Group Nuke, funded by the pleasant folks of rec.pets.cats, (who happen to despise alt.flame), automatically posted 2000+ articles to alt.flame and alt.bigfoot in one 2 day time span. The newsreaders of the alt dot flame folks were thoroughly jammed. Weapons of mass destruction are sooooooooo fun !! Alt dot flame capitulated. The whining is still being heard to this day. Q24. Wow! Now how do others feel about doing battle with alt.bigfoot? Even Lou Holtz acknowledged that alt.bigfoot is the undisputed #1 rank in the nation when interviewed after the polling results were released. As I remember it the interview went something like this: Berman: "Coach Holtz, what's your feeling about Notre Dame being ranked behind Florida State in the post season national polls?" Holtz: "Well, they're *ranked* number 1, and there's nothing we can do about that now." Berman: "You sound like you don't agree with that ranking. Do you feel that the Irish deserve the number one spot?" Holtz: "The Irish? Hell no! Let's face facts if alt.bigfoot hadn't been placed on suspention for extreme violence in the course of games, they'd have mopped the floor with the Semi-wholes or the Bighting Irish. Bigfoot is just that good, and no reasonable person could say otherwise. They destroy opponents physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and every other way you can think of. It's unnerving to see them crush teams and never break a sweat while creating those haunting moose poems. No, there's no question. Those bigfooters are alone at the top." Berman: "Do you have any plans to play Alt.Bigfoot, head-to-head, to dispute the issue in the future?" Holtz: "I'm not stupid, Chris! I'm responsible for these boys' future. I'm not going to send them anything like a congflict with bigfoot. No I'll take the forfeit and sleep with a clear conscious." Even Bobby Bowden of Florida State said: AP: "Congratulations on the national championship, Coach Bowden. Any comments?" Bowden: "Well, I thought that Nebraska played a heck of a game. They have a great program over there, and they pushed us hard the whole game. It's a great feeling to finally win the championship, and we've been really lucky. We bounced back after the loss to Notre Dame, we've been able to stay healthy through the season, we were able to perform in the clutch against teams like Nebraska, and of course we didn't have to play bigfoot because of the suspension. Those people are unstoppable. It gives me the shivers just thinking about playing them." AP: "What's your opinion of the Bigfoot suspension?" Bowden: "They're way out of our league. I haven't seen anyone in the NFL that could seriously challenge them. I have nightmares sometimes, hearing those moose poems. I don't want to talk about it anymore." In a Sports Illustrated interview, Joe Montana said: SI: "Joe, you've done so much in your career, what's left? What does Joe Montana have to do to make his career successful?" Montana: "I want to play for Alt.Bigfoot. I know I haven't the talent to start, but just to make the team would be enough for me. Everything else I've done has just been leading up to that goal." SI: "How do you feel about playing Bigfoot in the first round of the play- offs?" Montana: "I'm terrified. What idiot wouldn't be." SI: "How are you preparing for the game?" Montana: "I've been compsing some moose poems. Maybe they'll show some mercy. Who am I kidding? We're doomed." I think the unanimous opinion of the sane world is that there is only one number one, and Alt.Bigfoot is its name. == end of part 1 == -- Bulldog Tenacity A E I O moOse Doe Rae Me Fa So La mOose Ee I ee aye mooSe