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twinkies-a-scientific-approach
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1998-07-27
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Twinkies - A scientific approach
Reprinted from SPY magazine, 7/89.
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess
snack logs to the following experiments:
EXPOSURE:
Twinkie was left on a ... window ledge for four days, during which time
an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling
across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even
pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained
its original color and form. When removed ... the Twinkie was found to
be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling,
however, retained its adverstised "creaminess."
RADIATION:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20
seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma
of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the
acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2
minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top
of the oven ... a second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment
.. this Twinkie leaked molten white filling ... when cooled, this now
epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it
was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
EXTREME FORCE:
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately
120 feet. It landed right side up ... then bounced onto its back. The
expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only
discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside
.. otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
EXTREME COLD:
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon
removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical
properties had noticeably "slowed" .. the filling was found to be the
approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the
mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was
noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors.
EXTREME HEAT:
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie
smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled,
the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same
"burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment.
IMMERSION:
A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink ... viscous yelow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluable
artifical coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated
substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to
the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed
when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size
.. the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of
filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes."
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure ... the Twinkie disintegrated into
an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
SUMMARY OF RESULTS
.. the Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the
unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial
coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally
categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required
before any definite conclusions can be drawn.