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From: <oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #861
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 1996 19:28:14 -0500 (EST)
Organization: Computer Science, Indiana University
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:40 -0500
From: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularities Digest #861
To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.
Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message). For example:
861
2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1
856 88 votes 6crvc 9jmki cpqdc 3mAm5 7mDf5 ahyi9 9tpdc 27rvl 7ftpc 8gtkf
856 3.1 mean 3.4 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.0 2.9 3.7 3.2 3.2
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:48 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-01
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh Oracle most wise, who is so intelligent and persuasive he could
> actually trap the entire Netdom in his "this is not a scam" scam if he
> chose,
>
> Why do people fall for such ridiculous crap as "make money fast"
> schemes?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The answer to your question is very simple. People do not have "The
} Oracle Fake Scam Detector". For only $95.99 you too can distinguish
} between which are scams and which will truely make you a millionaire.
} Reply quickly! Supplies are limited!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:49 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-02
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> In the bathrooms at work, they have these disposable paper
> toilet seat covers. What is the purpose of these things?
> Do people actually believe that garbage about catching AIDS
> from toilet seats?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Actually, those are there so the toilet seats won't catch
} anything from _YOU_. Toilet seats are a very health-conscious
} bunch, you know.
}
} No, no one really believes you can catch AIDS from a toilet
} seat anymore, but there are plenty of things you _can_ catch
} from a toilet seat which should provide ample reason for you
} to take every precaution necessary.
}
} 1) GERALDO SYNDROME
}
} Transmitted by contact with filth, this insidious virus has
} the ability to make your reputation spontaneously combust.
} It will also break your nose every so often.
}
} 2) INNER-CITY COMMON COLD
}
} This horrible variant of the common cold is just like its
} very familiar counterpart, with one exception: if your nose
} begins to run, the virus will overpower it and beat it
} senseless. Under certain circumstances, you might even notice
} parts of your body begin to pack weapons.
}
} 3) ROSSPEROTITIS
}
} This rather uncontainable bacterium will manifest itself in
} humans in a startling way: You'll actually begin to _believe_
} everything you say. Plus, you'll grow huge ears.
}
} 4) SCOTSMAN'S SHEEPHERDING DISEASE
}
} Trust us, it's baa-a-a-a-a-a-d.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of tissue paper and a bottle of 100-
} proof nasal spray.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:50 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-03
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh compassionate and sagacious Oracle, I need your assistance.
> Recently, I witnessed a shameful and disturbing crime against
> nature. I was walking in the country, minding my own business, when
> I came upon a man torturing a woodchuck. This individual (who,
> though obviously evil, was strikingly handsome and attractive,
> almost god-like) was attacking the unfortunate animal with some kind
> of electrical device, which I believe he referred to as his "staff
> of ZOT". When I asked him what he thought he was doing, he pointed
> his staff at me threateningly, and made a number of bizarre demands
> for "payment", at which point I fled the scene as fast as I could.
> I feel certain that the woodchuck in this incident was completely
> innocent of any wrongdoing, and undeserving of such cruel treatment.
>
> Please explain to me, O Exalted Master of mercy and wisdom, why do
> bad people happen to good things?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} I see your point, but there are several mis-assumptions that you have
} made:
}
} 1) It is neither a crime or shameful (provided your pants are on).
} 2) You weren't really minding your own business, now were you?
} 3) It was really a marmot.
} 4) The only reason it would be unfortunate is that it was born a marmot!
} 5) Piezo-electric, actually.
} 6) In German, "der Zottenschtik"
} 7) If you thought those were bizarre, you need to spend some time in
} Amsterdam
} 8) Not innocent, indecent.
} 9) Cruel would be making him listen to Ross Perot (the Ferangi
} candidate)
} 10)You are incorrect that I^H^H the man was out of line; it was the
} marmot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fur lined sink.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:51 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-04
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh wise Oracle, who can burp the entire alphabet in under 15 seconds,
> please tel me,
>
> I know I have to grovel when I ask a question, but what about a
> statement?
> example:
> "Where can I find some dinosaur bones?"
> could be
> "If you know where I can find some dinosaur bones, tell me where they
> are."
>
> As you can see, I'm making a statement, not asking a question. I think
> I've found a loophole to the whole grovel thing!
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} What!? A loophole!! That can't be! I had the finest judges money can
} buy write up the Oracular Code. Hold on a second while I find the
} relevant part of the Code.
}
} [Flip, flip, flip]
}
} Here we are, Oracular Code, Vol. XXIX (Supplicants, Part XX), Section
} L (Answering Supplicants), Subsection 29 (Grovel Requirement),
} Paragraphs i through iii, to wit:
}
} i. Grovel Requirement
} The customers ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") of the Grand and Glorious
} Internet Oracle ("Oracle") must sufficiently abase themselves in order
} to secure the Answer Guarantee (Paragraph iii). Such abasement must be
} expressed in the form of a Grovel (Paragraph ii). Questions from Geeks
} which lack a grovel may or may not be answered by Oracle at his sole
} discretion. The presence of a grovel guarantees an answer only, and
} does not provide any guarantees, either express or implied, as to the
} quality of said answer (see volumes XL through CXII, Litigation; see
} also volume III (Incarnations), Section F (Clueless Incarnations)).
}
} ii. Grovel
} A self-abasement by a Geek or Geeks ("Grovel") is defined as a
} sentence or phrase expressing self-mortification on the part of the
} Geek, and aggrandizing Oracle. Veiled insults in said Grovel make the
} entire Grovel null and void, thus voiding the Answer Guarantee.
} Expressions of doubt concerning the Oracle's abilities also void said
} Guarantee.
}
} iii. Answer Guarantee
} In any Geek-Oracle question-answer relationship, Oracle guarantees to
} said Geek that all questions asked shall be duly answered whenever the
} Grovel Requirement is met (see Paragraph i).
}
} Hmmmmmm..... It appears that the substitution of a statement for a
} question is not covered by the Answer Guarantee. That means I can
} answer or not at my discretion, I think. I'd hate to have litigation
} come up over this, though. I'd have to review all those volumes. Wait!
} Look at Subsection 15!
}
} Subsection 15: Reverse Jeopardy
}
} i. Supplicant Questions
} The information submitted to the Oracle ("Question") by the clients
} of the Oracle ("Supplicants" or "Geeks") must be phrased in the form of
} a question. Failure to comply with this requirement renders the Oracle-
} Geek contract null and void, unless the Geek is Alex Trebek.
}
} Ha! It looks like my judges out-loopholed you!
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 years of service as a target dummy on the Zot Gun
} practice range.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:52 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-05
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Dear Oracle, can you teach me some bad words?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Yes Dear,
} General Fault Detection, Mac, Dot Matrix, Newt, Spam,
} Communications Decency Act, GreenDay, 1200 BPS, TCP/IP Error, Not
} Enough Memory, 3 Page Long Signature Files, Net Censorship.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:54 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-06
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows the proof to Fermat's Last
> Theorem, please answer...
>
> Why is it that, when windows 95 is such an easy interface to use,
> it takes some people 45 minutes to figure out how to drag an item
> from one window to another?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} The fact that some people can't even use a keyboard is whats even
} worse.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:55 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-07
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> /usr/etc/ping
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} PING(8C) SUPPLICATION COMMANDS PING(8C)
}
} NAME
} ping - send ICMP AUTO_SUPPLICATION packets to network hosts
}
} SYNOPSIS
} /usr/etc/ping host [ timeout ]
} /usr/etc/ping [ -s ] [ -aowz ] host [ packetsize ] [ count ]
}
} AVAILABILITY
} This program is available on all systems. Unfortunately it
} isn't used often enough.
}
} DESCRIPTION
} ping uses the enhanced ICMP protocol's optional
} AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagram to attempt not to elicit an ICMP
} AUTO_ZOT from the specified supernatural host.
}
} AUTO_SUPPLICATION datagrams, or "grovels," have IP headers
} followed by a structpleasedontzotme, and then an arbitrary
} flattering phrase to pad out the packet. If host responds,
} ping will reduce the user to a heap of smouldering ashes. ping
} is therefore not useful in shell scripts. Otherwise after
} timeout seconds, it will output "no answer from host", and the
} user will be reduced to a heap of smouldering ashes at some
} later time. This time is not specified in the ICMP
} protocol.
}
} When the -s flag is specified, ping sends one datagram per
} second, significantly increasing the chance of a
} response. This second form computes round trip times, response
} percentages, hitting probability and average yield per zot (in
} megatons); it displays a summary of this information upon
} termination or timeout. If an optional count is given, ping
} reduces the risk by sending only that number of
} requests. Shortening the packet reduces the probability the
} host will be insulted, but short flattering phrases are
} generally not regarded as sufficient. The default packet size
} is 64, which makes each probability 50%.
}
} When using ping for a practical joke, make sure you have
} plenty of time to get to a safe distance. The shell command
} (sleep 1200; ping) should give you enough time to escape
} ground zero.
}
} OPTIONS
} -a Don't bother with flattering phrase. Just pad packet
} with packetsize .sigs.
}
} -c Compatibility mode. Operate like UCB ping.
}
} -o Obsolete mode. Use the obsolete AUTO_HUMOUR protocol. By
} now the majority of hosts don't support this.
}
} -w Mention marmots. No warranty is given.
}
} -z Mention ZOTs in a humourous and flattering way. No
} warranty is given.
}
} SEE ALSO
} zot(8C), humor(8O), tellme(8K), askme(8K)
}
} BUGS
} The AUTO_ZOT protocol is far too restrictive. Humour is not
} supported on most systems.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:56 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-08
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How long can CD's contain their data?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It depends upon many factors. Although a stereo CD normally can contain
} up to 74 minutes, these generally offer such low interest rates that
} you'd expect them to be much less popular than they are. 90-day to
} five-year CDs are quite common, these days. The longest CD that I've
} personally seen was just over 12 centimeters across.
}
} If you have a 30-day CD offering fewer than 300 MB, you may be able to
} improve it by outlining it with a green marker pen. Many banks offer
} pens with a specially-notched tip just for this purpose; see whether
} you can even get one for free.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as g. t. <na53711@anon.penet.fi>) 180
} days at a CD motel.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:57 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-09
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> That's pretty amazing! Nobody at the whole company has either sent
> or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes! I think that's the
> first time I've seen that happen during regular work hours. What's
> going on?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, that's what happens when your company switches to your own
} mail-software, Mr. Gates.
}
} You owe the Oracle a reboot of your mailserver.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 96 18:49:58 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #861-10
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> a broken shoelace
> a tire swing
> a calculus textbook
>
> What do these things remind you of?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Scapegoats and muntjacks and cubic equations,
} Stopgaps and catflaps and runic evasions,
} Plastic explosives from east of Berlin,
} These are a few of my favourite things.
}
} Pustules and earwax and facial ablutions,
} Dogtags and hatstands and saline solutions,
} Dragonflies robbed of their two pairs of wings,
} These are a few of my favourite things---
}
} When the spam fills,
} When the wood chucks,
} When I'm feeling rotten,
} I think of a few of my favourite things,
} And go and make someone bezotten.
}
} Chainsaws and mangoes and carnal contortions,
} Fish-knives and footsores and minuscule portions,
} Eavesdropping neighbours of fictional kings,
} These are a few of my favourite things.
}
} Rain-checks and quart pots and follical potions,
} Quicksand and zeitgeist and repressed emotions,
} Breaking up all the Smithsonian's Mings,
} These are a few of my favourite things---
}
} When the air brakes,
} When the boils burst,
} When I'm feeling ghastly,
} I think of a few of my favourite things,
} And get very drunk; then I'm not so nasty.
------------------------------
End of Internet Oracularities Digest #861
*****************************************