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judge-thomas-by-dave-barry
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1998-07-26
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Pass the Bag, I Want to Shut Up
by Dave Barry
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Judge Thomas, these past few days have been very, very
hard for all of us--especially my good friend and colleague Senator
Kennedy, because it is not easy for a man to sit through three full
days of hearings with a paper bag over his head--but before we let you
go, there is just one more point I want to make, and it is a very, very
important point, and I fully intend to make it if I ever get to the end
of this sentence, which as you know and I know, judge, is highly
unlikely to occur during the current fiscal year, so...
SEN. HATCH: I want to say that I am disgusted. These are disgusting
things that we have been taking about here, and I personally am
disgusted by them. Pubic hair! Big organs! Disgusting. And yet we
must talk about them. We must get to the bottom of this, no matter how
disgusted we are, and believe me I am. We must talk about these
matters, the pubic hair and the big organs, HUGE organs, because it
just makes us sick, to think that these kinds of matters would come
up--I refer here to the organs and the hairs--that we here in the
United States Senate would find ourselves delving deeply into these
matters, to be frank, totally disgusts me, both aspects of it, the hair
aspect AND the organ...
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Thank you.
SEN HEFLIN: Judge Thomas, [30-second pause] I certainly appreciate
[45-second pause] the fact [20-second pause] that [three-minute,
20-second pause] my time is up.
SEN THURMOND: Soamwhoan ben cudrin' mheah widm tan' bfust drang.
TRANSLATOR: He says, "Somebody has colored my hair with what appears
to be Tang breakfast drink."
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Thank you. May I just add that the top of my own
personal head appears to be an unsuccessful attempt to grow okra. But
judge, as soon as I make this one final point we're going to let you
go, because this has been very, very painful, and believe me I know
what pain is, because at one time in my career I was the son of a Welsh
coal miner, and let me just say, judge, that when I do make this point,
whatever it is, it will be something that I believe in very, very
deeply, because I am the chairman, and I can talk as long as I want,
using an infinite number of dependent clauses, and nobody can stop me.
SEN HATCH: How BIG an organ? How MANY pubic hairs? These are the
issues that we need to probe deeply into, no matter how much they
disgust us! And believe me, nobody is more disgusted than I am! I am
revolted that we are thinking about these disgusting things, day and
night! Tossing and turning, trying to sleep, writhing and moaning
and...
SEN KENNEDY (from under his bag): Are the cameras still here?
CHAIRMAN BIDEN: Judge, we know you're tired, and we're going to let
you go in just a moment here, just as soon as I make this one point...
SEN THURMOND: Deah wheah etn lonsh yep?
TRANSLATOR: He says, "Did we eat lunch yet?"