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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number 2 November 1992 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: Editorial - A Puffin Anniversary...................................01 Really Questionable Cinema.........................................02 The Story of Ronald Frump..........................................05 As The Hard Drive Turns - Part II..................................06 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................08 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 Random Access Humor Page 1 November 1992 Editorial - A Puffin Anniversary by Dave Bealer November 1, 1992 marks the first anniversary of my BBS going online. I had been tinkering with the thing for weeks, but on November 1, 1991 The Puffin's Nest was placed online 24 hours per day. It has not been down since, except for maintenance, glitches and power outages. Although The Puffin's Nest (TPN) has been online for a year, it has only been a member of FidoNet since January. I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank Doug Wittich, the man who acted as my mentor and bossnode. Doug is responsible for my being online in FidoNet today, since I would surely have gone mad before mastering the intricacies of Frontdoor on my own. Actually, I never did. Doug convinced me to switch to BinkleyTerm, but has remained a good friend anyway. So now everyone will know whom to blame for my predations on the online world. Recently things had been working entirely too well, so I decided to make them more complicated. I recently joined CinemaNet and SailNet, thereby entering the multi-domain world. This caused a few more grey hairs, but was probably worth the bother. Only time will truly tell. One of the most frequently asked questions about my BBS is the name. What exactly is a puffin? The puffin is an arctic seabird, a member of the alcid family. Puffins range from Maine northward, and are quite common in Iceland. Puffins can fly, although not too well. They can also waddle around on land, although they only come up on land in the summer to breed. The rest of the year is spent out at sea, where the puffin is truly at home. Puffins can dive under the water and swim with a flying motion of their wings. Puffins are often mistaken for penguins. Both birds are black and white, but there the similarity ends. Penguins have short, round, dull colored beaks, whereas puffins have large multi-colored beaks. As fans of cartoonist Berke Breathed may already know, the star of his comic strips, Opus the Penguin, really looks more like a puffin than a penguin. More well known is the common puffin's distant relative, the giant, radioactive, mutant killer puffin. These were commonly found in Japanese horror movies of the Fifties and early Sixties. The next question usually is, why did I pick the name of an obscure species of arctic seabird as the name of my BBS? The answer is that the puffin is also the mascot of the National Aquarium in Baltimore (NAIB), where I was a volunteer from February 1988 until October 1992. One of the features (the most under used feature) of my BBS is a message area for discussion of the NAIB. Hence the name. BTW, the only reason I left this volunteer position was a conflict with my new shift at my real-life, paying employer. Random Access Humor Page 2 November 1992 Really Questionable Cinema Novelization by Dave Bealer, based on the screenplay by Dave Bealer of the motion picture produced and directed by Dave Bealer. BealerText Ltd. Presents: Not so long ago in a cyberspace not nearly far enough away.... N E T W A R S Episode 3B6 DRAMATIS PERSONAE A war was raging. There was nothing civil about it. Rebel forces struggled to repel the evil work of the ravening Political-Correctness Empire. The rebels, under the command of super-hero Nuke Etherwalker, had just scored a major out-of-court victory by forcing the empire into revealing its plans for total global domination of communications networks. Random Access Humor Page 3 November 1992 One of the worst problems facing Nuke was the diversity of the factions making up the Rebel Alliance. Each group, or net, had its own political agenda. While all agreed that the Empire's plans had to be thwarted at all cost, they rarely agreed on who should pay the cost. This, then, is a brief summary of some of the nets making up Nuke's "Alliance". >>AdultNet<< For those who, although chronologically adults, are still disturbed by the puerile sexual imaginings of youth. >>CasinoNet<< An adventurous net where games of "Bet your node" are the commonplace means of settling all disputes. >>ClariNet<< For musicians only. >>CommandoNet<< During the Zone Wars, these folks took *any* zone they wanted. Their leader goes by the name of Ahnold. >>DefNet<< Although misspelled, this net is aptly named. You're gonna need earplugs for this one. >>DreadNet<< Cries of "You sunk my battleship!" can always be heard reverberating in this net. >>FemiNet<< These girls will claw your eyes out if you're not careful... Sometimes they will even if you *are* careful. >>FriendlyNet<< Consists of two brand-new boards in East Podunk, Arkansas. The sysops of these systems, which boast a combined total of six users, cannot understand why the Intergalactic Zone Police will not reserve five consecutive zone numbers for their exclusive use. >>HatNet<< The exclusive club for the "hat people," those old fogeys in hats who spend their time driving in Interstate highway fast-lanes at 30 mph. This is the place where they cook up new ways to frustrate folks who are actually trying to get somewhere while driving. Random Access Humor Page 4 November 1992 >>KlanNet<< The net for the terminally brain-dead, who go online sometimes when there is no book-burning or cross-burning to attend. >>NinjaNet<< Nodes of this net are hard to find. None of the sysops has ever been taken alive. >>RubberNet<< U.S. House Bank Check Clearinghouse. >>RumbleNet<< Although not as heavily armed as the members of CommandoNet, these punks are dangerous nonetheless. >>SharkNet<< Legal discussions for ambulance chasers everywhere. >>SnitchNet<< These guys are almost as secretive as the ninjas, and with good reason. This net, which claims to be loyal to the alliance, is believed to actually be sponsored by the Empire. >>SpARCNet<< Archiver wars rage freely here, for no apparent reason. Whatever random stupidity started this, no prisoners are taken by any side. >>ThreatNet<< These boys are all talk and no action. >>WaldenNet<< Thousands of burned-out Yuppies all crowded around a small, polluted pond, trying to "find themselves" online. >>WaldoNet<< For seekers of the elusive dweeb. >>WarNet<< These guys take no prisoners. Their new ZC is the winner of a Texas Steel Cage Grudge match, complete with chainsaws. >>ZoneNet<< Controlled by the Intergalactic Zone Police, whose sworn duty is to make sure every zone number is used by only one net. Their job is to hunt down and horribly butcher the entire *C structure of any net who dares to use an already claimed zone number. Random Access Humor Page 5 November 1992 The Story of Ronald Frump by Bernie Krumb Ronald Frump was born on December 7, 1941. Frump calls this an interesting fact, although his business opponents have been known to refer to it as prophetic. Leaving his childhood home of Fort Scott, Kansas, at the age of sixteen, Frump made his way west, eventually settling in Soccorro, New Mexico. After spending many years selling used yachts in New Mexico, Frump tired of the fast and reckless lifestyle of Soccorro and made for the calmer waters of Las Vegas. In 1963 Frump landed his first job as a dealer at a small club off the strip. His business savvy and bloodthirsty tendencies soon saw him safely ensconced as owner of three small clubs, The Frump Sphinx Club in Las Vegas, the Frump Coliseum in Reno and the Frump Colossus in South Lake Tahoe. But Ronald Frump is a dreamer, and a man not accustomed to making do with what he already has. He conceived of a huge strip hotel, larger than any then in existence. The result was the Frump Pyramid, two blocks long and 50 stories high. The Pyramid's 4,500 hotel rooms were filled constantly with customers for the three casinos, two nightclubs, five restaurants and numerous shops contained on the lower levels. Opened in 1971 with the aid of money invested by a group of well- heeled New Jersey olive importers, the Frump Pyramid cleared more than $6 billion in its first five years. With this kind of success, it was only a matter of time before further expansion took place. The Frump Boardwalk Pyramid in Atlantic City was opened in 1983 with the help of new partners, a consortium of sugar importers from Miami. The Boardwalk Pyramid's 3,800 rooms and two casinos make it the largest casino/hotel on the east coast. With profits of better than $2 billion a year from the two Pyramids, Frump has been playing a real-life game of Monopoly, buying every hotel which comes up for sale in both cities. But why is it that Ronald Frump is prospering when other casino operations in Nevada and New Jersey are foundering? Many experts attribute his success to his extra-ordinary sense of what people will find entertaining. For instance, one of the mainstay attractions of both Pyramids is the "Frumpies," waitresses clad in fuzzy pink bathrobes and slippers, their hair up in curlers. Many guests seem to like this homey touch, and are willing to overlook the "Frumpies" usual surliness, the extent of which has prompted more than one observer to nickname them the "Grumpies." The Twerpus Maximus Room at the Frump Coliseum is one of the most popular cabaret spots in Reno. Retired and burned out Frumpies strut their stuff there every evening in front of sellout crowds. Random Access Humor Page 6 November 1992 Another major innovation brought to casinos by Ronald Frump is the "Robo-Dealer," a mechanical dealing robot built by RCU, the Robotics Corporation of Ukraine, located in Minsk. These wise-cracking mechanical dealers not only save large amounts of payroll expense, they are also able to more effectively spot players who cheat, while themselves performing tremendous feats of automatic dexterity while dealing. A Robo-Dealer has begun appearing in recent Frump Casino ads, and its early popularity has led some pundits to make the gloomy prediction that Robo-Dealer may attain pop-culture icon status similar to that enjoyed by Max Headroom and "Mr. Whipple." Despite his success, Ronald Frump's life has not been without its trials and tribulations. He ended up spending millions outfitting the new Boardwalk Pyramid with huge fans to blow away the fog which would periodically obscure the fifty foot high letters proclaiming the FRUMP name to all of south Jersey. --------------------------------------------------------------------- "As the Hard Drive Turns - Pt II" by: Rob Novak SysOp - 261/1093.0@fidonet.org It has been said that a SysOp is the lowest form of life in the universe. I say this is not necessarily true. There are a few slime molds and fungi that have the good sense to keep to themselves. After all, a SysOp exposes himself to ridicule, phone bills, equipment damage, software and hardware maintenance, and much more mind-numbing tasks. Why? All for the gratification of a job well done. Well, that's not quite true, either - we do it for BABES. Starting a bulletin board is very easy - get a pile of money about 3 feet high and four feet in diameter. Douse it with gasoline and throw a torch on top. This won't get a BBS running, but it will prepare you for the future bills you'll run up. Once you've put out the blaze, scrounge through the pile of ashes for some usable bills. Use about $2500 worth to buy yourself a blisteringly fast computer, a large hard drive, a tape backup system (no, a cassette recorder does NOT count as tape backup), and a blazingly fast modem. Burn all the receipts in order to maximize agony when one of the pieces of equipment stops working. Real SysOps never need receipts, anyway. Once you have your computer system up and running, you've got to get the software. This is easier said than done. Local laws most likely prohibit any one source from having all parts of the distribution archives. Once you scour the local BBS scene, give up and call long-distance to Quebec to download the files you need. Systems outside the US are not bound by the above rule since they're long-distance and cost lots of money to call anyway. Throw some more money onto the pile and baste liberally with kerosene. Once you have all the software sitting on your hard drive, unpack the archives to your BBS directory. Notice the propensity of software authors to include the file README.1ST with anything. Notice how your "y" key has stopped working due to the "File exists, Overwrite? [y/n]" questions the archiver has been throwing at you. Go out and Random Access Humor Page 7 November 1992 buy a new keyboard. Throw a couple of twenties on the pile to keep it going. Change to your BBS subdirectory and run the easy-to-use installation program provided with the software. Once you have answered all the questions incorrectly and the configuration files are totally trashed, give up and print the documentation. Before you do that - go to the office-supply warehouse and get 4-5 cases of computer paper and an extra ribbon for the printer. If you're insistent on laser- printing the mess, get 4-5 cases of Xerox paper and 3 extra toner cartridges. You might want to keep an extra drum kit nearby. Start printing the docs by using the DOS "PRINT" command. While some people will claim that you can go do other things while PRINT is dealing with the text files, you might as well take a vacation. The 20,000 pages or so of docs you're printing could take a few days. PRINT always crashes after the 19,542nd page anyway. Once all your docs have printed, go buy a new printer as the old one has now melted into a large hunk of plastic slag. Take the rest of the money out of the bank and sprinkle it liberally upon the blaze. Read the docs. This could take the next week and a half. BBS documentation is written by people for whom English is a second language. The typical instruction in a BBS document reads "Use your favorite ASCII editor to edit the configuration file, paying attention to the %. After editing, compile by typing VOMIT <filename> <switches> <options> <other stuff>. Where <filename> is something typed at random, <switches> are things on the front of the computer, <options> cost extra, and <other stuff> is picked out from between your toes." Once the documentation has been digested (your dog ATE it, didn't he?), you can begin editing the configuration files. After this experience, sell your family into slavery to pay for the hand therapy and psychiatric treatment bills. You should burn any money left over. Create a batch file to run the system and re-cycle things when a caller logs off. This is a very important step unless you plan on sitting at the computer for the rest of your life issuing DOS commands. Run your batch file. Didn't work, did it? <Next Chapter - Why Doesn't it WORK?!> Random Access Humor Page 8 November 1992 --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets Choosey mothers choose GIF. A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Misspelled? Impossible...error correcting modem! Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax. Does steel wool come from metal sheep? A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars... Editing is a rewording activity. We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals... Tagline thievery...on the next Geraldo! Not tonight, dear. I have a modem. Random Access Humor Page A-1 November 1992 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor: Dave Bealer Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis) Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the author(s) and are not necessarily the opinions of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $5 per month ($60/year) for download privileges is also considered to be a commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or in hardcopy form for a fee. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Users may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette only for their own personal use. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Random Access Humor Page A-2 November 1992 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors. These systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor... seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 <contrib> (RAH Publication Site) RAH Current Issue: FReq: RAH RAH Back Issues: FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 November 1992 RAH Gateway Systems: My House -=FBBS=- Cheasapeake, VA. Sysop: Scott White FidoNet> 1:275/6 (804) 424-0394 14400 (V.32bis) RaceNet> 73:108/1 4X4Net> 44:2600/6 SportsNet> 73:108/6 RecoveryNet> 12:2600/6 Flynet> 196:30/0 PetNet> 73:108/6 InterSports> 103:1032/0 <contrib> Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 <contrib> The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 14400 (HST) FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100 <contrib> 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) GlobalNet> 51:1400/0 W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 <mail only - no BBS> The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32) SogNet> 91:7/4279 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib> The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS) RAH Official Distribution Sites: Automation Central San Jose, CA. Sysop: Radi Shourbaji FidoNet> 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 14400 (V.32bis) Wit-Tech Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Doug Wittich FidoNet> 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 14400 (V.32bis) Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 9600 (V.32) Milliways Pittsburgh, PA. Sysop: David Cole FidoNet> 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 2400 Supernova BBS Scotstown, Quebec Sysop: Ian Hall-Beyer FidoNet> 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400 Random Access Humor Page A-4 November 1992 Cold Fire BBS Wichita Falls, TX. Sysop: Bob Lennard FidoNet> 1:3805/14 (817) 696-5771 14400 (V.32bis) Data Empire Fredericksburg, VA. Sysop: Richard Hellmer FidoNet> 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 2400 Outside the Wall Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Rob Novak FidoNet> 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 9600 (V.32)