DP Tool Club 31

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ DP Tool Club 31 / CDASC_31_1996_juillet_aout.iso / vrac / crahvol1.zip / RAH9209.TXT < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 1992-09-01 | 25KB | 559 lines

R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number 0 September 1992 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: Editorial - Champagne Withdrawal...................................01 What About VaporWare Communications?...............................02 The Model T of Personal Computing..................................03 Welcome to the FidoNet Olympics....................................04 A Tale of Three Systems............................................06 The Price of Encouragement.........................................06 RAH Writing Style..................................................07 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................07 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 Random Access Humor Page 1 September 1992 Editorial - Champagne Withdrawal by Dave Bealer Did you ever notice how a simple little idea can sometimes get out of hand? Well, the newsletter you are now reading is the direct result of such an occurrence. A few months back I started putting together a series of articles which I planned to contribute to the FidoNews. These were allegedly humorous articles, and I had grand visions of becoming the Dave Barry or Mike Royko of the online world. Yeah, right! As Cary Grant said to Leslie Caron in FATHER GOOSE, "You know what fat chance means, lady?" Although one of my articles has since been published in FidoNews, it turns out that TPTB over there are not interested in putting humor in FidoNews on a regular basis. That's too bad, since it really needs *something* to lighten it up a bit. There just have to be others in the online world who want to laugh, nay, who need to laugh. So as I sat and stewed about what to do with my unwanted articles, I answered a netmail message from Scott White, a sysop from Southern Virginia, complimenting me on the FidoNews article. In my response I semi- jokingly mentioned that I was considering starting a humor related electronic newsletter, and asked if he would be at all interested in carrying such a thing on his board. To my surprise, the answer was an enthusiastic, "Yes!" Further, he offered to distribute it on the other networks to which he belongs provided the newsletter was not FidoNet specific. Hmm. There's an interesting concept. Having spent my entire BBS life in FidoNet, I sometimes forget that those "othernets" exist. The article series I am working on is *not* FidoNet specific, with the exception of the one article which finally did make it into FidoNews. Although FidoNet is the biggest single network I know of, all those other networks *do* add up to a multitude of users, many of whom are also looking for a good laugh. So here it is. The article series with the working title of "Random Access" has become the Random Access Humor newsletter, or RAH to save a couple of bytes. This format turns out to be a much bigger canvas on which to create, and that's all the better. The only problem is, I can't do this on my own, not for long at any rate. To succeed, this newsletter must have contributions from you, the readers. Read and enjoy, but please send in the computer humor you find funny. If need be, make something up. Information on contributing material to RAH is located on the last page of this issue. Help keep this from becoming the Dave Bealer Newsletter, written, produced, directed by and starring Dave Bealer. Now on to the interesting bits...why is this volume zero and number zero? I am a mainframe systems programmer by profession, and we heavy metal folks learn early in life to start counting from zero instead of one. I have yet to decide whether we'll go completely loopy and use the hexadecimal system to number these puppies. That decision must be made before we get to issue #10(0A). Welcome aboard for the launching of Random Access Humor. By the way, does anyone know the best way to get champagne and glass fragments out of a keyboard? Random Access Humor Page 2 September 1992 What About VaporWare Communications? by Dave Bealer So what about the outfit that is putting this all together? VaporWare Communications is an operating division of a public company called VaporWare Corporation, with headquarters in California. In this debut issue of RAH we will summarize the structure of the company and list the principal officers. Future issues may contain short biographies of some of the officers. VaporWare Corporation 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 Stock Market Ticker Symbol: SUKR Principal Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Vice President, Operations Gabriel Escargot Vice President, Customer Service Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. Vice President, Research & Development Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Vice President, Finance Carlos Goebbels Vice President, Political Correctness Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari Director of Security Madeline Token Secretary, Serving Wench Major Operating Divisions: VaporWare Communications Random Access Humor, other silly stuff. VaporSoft PC Software Product Announcements. Industrial Smoke and Mirrors Computer and Communications Hardware. Random Access Humor Page 3 September 1992 Things have been going rather well for VaporSoft lately, and VaporWare Communications is triumphant with this, their introduction of Random Access Humor. The only recent problem here on Infinite Loop has been a nagging shortage of eye of newt, which has severely impeded the R&D department of Industrial Smoke and Mirrors. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Model T of Personal Computing by Dave Bealer Way back in 1981 the IBM Corporation changed the course of computing history by releasing the IBM PC. This machine was ludicrously underpowered, at least by today's standards. It was even more ludicrously overpriced, by anyone's standards. This overpriced, underpowered machine was readily embraced by purchasing executives in many industries, most of whom hadn't pulled off a really good prank since their fraternity days. The raging success of IBM's blue elephant meant, of course, that it would be followed by improved versions, like the IBM Convertible and the PC Jr. The first advancement came when a spacious 10MB hard disk was somehow shoe-horned into a full height slot and the IBM XT was born. IBM claimed that "XT" stood for "eXtended Technology," but those of us who have used this class of machine know better. This writer's first computer was an XT clone, purchased in 1986, a full 5 years after the revolution started. This machine was outdated when it was purchased, since IBM had released the AT class machine a full two years before, and upstart Compaq had already beaten IBM to the punch with the first machine based on Intel's 80386 chip. IBM was not happy with the course of events and was secretly working on its plan to stuff all of the PC industry worms into a proprietary can called PS/2. Fortunately for users everywhere, this campaign was run by the same folks who masterminded the introduction of the Edsel. My original XT boasted a 20 MB hard disk in a half-height slot, a 12 inch amber monitor run from a monochrome text card, and a single 360K floppy disk drive. The CPU ran at a blazing 4.77 MHz, and came with the infamous ERSO BIOS, which had been coded on several fortune cookie slips at a Dim Sum restaurant in Hong Kong. Unfortunately the slips got mixed up on the way back to the office and serial communications became a real crap shoot, complete with dice loaded in the house's favor. This machine wasn't much, but it was all I could afford at the time. The vendor of this dream machine shall remain nameless, since they have somehow managed to survive and are still selling PCs, albeit from large, well lit "superstores," rather than by mailorder. The motherboard was eventually replaced with a 10 MHz "Turbo" model containing a mostly working BIOS, and the hard disk was upgraded to a 65 MB model. This assemblage of parts was the first platform for my BBS. Apparently not all of the serial port problems were due to the original rogue BIOS, since file transfers were still dicey despite all the upgrades. One puzzling phenomenon I was never able to explain was the fact that occasionally when the monitor was powered off, the XT system unit would shut down as well. If I Random Access Humor Page 4 September 1992 toggled the power switch on the system unit, everything came up alright. Maybe the poor thing was tired. Always a trooper despite the problems, it never complained. Sentimental readers will be happy to know that this veteran warrior is still in service, although the BBS has been moved to a stable AT chassis. Lately I have given serious consideration to selling this faithful, if eccentric, old machine. Anyone out there interested in a 10 MHz flower pot? --------------------------------------------------------------------- (Editor's Note: The following article originally appeared in FidoNews Vol. 9, No. 32, dated August 10, 1992.) Welcome to the FidoNet Olympics by Dave Bealer The echoes are kind of quiet these days. Maybe everyone is glued to the Olympics Triplecast. For those of us who aren't, why not have our own Olympics on FidoNet? Here is a summary of suggested events: }} Local BBS Events {{ >> 14.4K Protocol Negotiation << The winner is the first user who can stay awake during the entire protocol negotiation sequence between a V.32bis modem and a tin can. >> 110-step Registration Hurdles << The gold medal goes to the user who completes the "simple" registration procedure in the shortest time. Contestants are advised not to wear glasses or contacts while competing in this event, as they might interfere with the online laser retina scan. >> Modern Hexadecimalon << Competitors attempt to break 16 different FidoNet policies and/or draconian local sysop rules in a single logon session. >> Download Ratio Balance Beam << Users attempt daring massive downloads without (hopefully) losing their download privileges. >> Door Exercises << The gold goes to the user who can enter and play the most door games in a 45 minute logon session. >> Echolocation << The winner is the user who can find the echo he is looking for in the fewest BBS accesses. }} Echomail Events {{ >> Verbal Gymnastics << You won't believe how these competitors can twist and turn the English language into almost unrecognizable shapes. Random Access Humor Page 5 September 1992 >> Greco-Roman Thread Wrestling << Wrestling for control over the direction an echo conference thread will take. Moderators are ineligible for this event. >> Marathon Messaging << Contestants enter 75 messages in a single echo in one session. Each message must have a minimum of three lines and at least one line must be original (not quoted). The one who enters the 75 messages in the shortest time wins. Penalties will be assessed for each message which actually pertains to the topic of the echo. The use of offline readers is prohibited. >> Power Quoting << The winner will have made the longest continual quotation with the shortest vaguely pertinent reply. The current world record is 382 lines of quotes with a five word reply. >> Tagline Topping << Medals are awarded in the following categories: Annoying, Childish, Funny, Gross and Stupid. There is also a special all-around medal for the tagline which best combines all five attributes. >> Volley Message << The gold medal goes to the first pair of correspondents who nest their quotes so deeply that the leading initials force the message text off the screen entirely. >> Platform Diving << Each contestant ascends to the soapbox and attempts to make insulting comments about everyone and everything in FidoNet. Timing is critical, as the competitor must dive off the platform before his/her access to the net is revoked. >> Heavyweight Ego Lifting << In this event the posturing which precedes the lift can be more important than the lift itself. >> Full Contact Flaming << What would a FidoNet Olympics be without its symbol, the flame? }} Sysop Events {{ >> 5 MB Packet Toss << The gold medal goes to the Sysop whose system can dearchive, toss, sort, link and julienne a 5 MB mail packet in the shortest time. >> Echo Looping << The winner is the Sysop who can cause the most dupe-loops in the most different echoes in one day of operation. >> Synchronized Polling << The winning Sysop pair will be the one whose systems synchronize their polls to each other the longest (without getting through). Random Access Humor Page 6 September 1992 After the events are over everyone will be hanging out at the Olympic Village BBS, chatting online about the competitors who failed their drug tests. Best of all we won't have parted with $125 for the privilege. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A Tale of Three Systems by Dave Bealer Every year high technology has a greater impact on politics. Here is some information about the systems being operated on behalf of three folks running for office somewhere. The Ross For Boss BBS (214) BIG-EARS (9600 baud) 255 lines This board is for fans of the Texas billionaire who never really said he would run for President, then never really said he wouldn't. This is the board that started it all, the first serious Presidential Campaign BBS. It almost didn't get started in the first place, having been set up by former EDS technicians. Fortunately a passing fifth grader was able to assist them at a critical juncture, and history was made. The $3 Bill BBS (501) HIE-TECH (300 baud) 1 line This board is used by the supporters of the apparent successor to Jimmy Carter. This board makes use the most sophisticated computer equipment available in the state of Arkansas, a Commodore 64. George & Barbara's BBS (202) FAT-CATS (14400 baud) 1000 points of light A popular forum for open-minded debate on absolute control over other people's bodies. George likes to host occasional conferences on the "Technology Thing," and Barbara chats online about the latest State function etiquette for losing dinner on your host. Sysop: Millie --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Price of Encouragement by Dave Bealer Some of you may have wondered why an apparently sensible person like Scott White would encourage a total loon like myself to start a project like this and, worse yet, continue with it. We may never know the answer to that, unless Scott decides to tell us himself. I have taken the liberty of concocting a suitable punishment for him, however. Scott has been appointed the Acting Deputy Assistant Editor for RAH. There are no official duties attached to this position as yet. That's the best part of the punishment. Scott gets to wait apprehensively, wondering just how bad this can get. <evil laughter> --------------------------------------------------------------------- FYI: This issue of RAH is supposed to require an educational grade level of 14.6 for easy comprehension, according to Critic V2.0, a shareware style checker. Doesn't that make you feel smarter? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: I have a friend who is thinking of becoming a poet...he's contemplating a life of rhyme. Random Access Humor Page 7 September 1992 RAH Writing Style by Dave Bealer Since RAH is steeped in the online world, it follows that RAH should support the style of writing generally found in online messages. This does not include the semi-literate, mostly obscene trash found in conferences such as the FidoNet FLAME echo. It *does* include some of the basic online writing conventions. I just used one, did you see it? The asterisks around "*does*" in the previous sentence indicate that the word is being emphasized, but the writer IS NOT SHOUTING. Remember that the use of all caps in an online message indicates that the writer is shouting. Shouting is considered rude in the online world, just like in real life. Another important facet of online writing is the use of acronyms for common phrases, which tends to save bytes in writing that is being shipped around the country or world at someone's expense. Here is a brief list of a few common online writing acronyms: BTW By the way IMHO In my humble opinion OTOH On the other hand ROFL Rolling on floor, laughing TPTB The powers that be There are many more. A final online custom which needs mentioning is the practice of placing action statements in between "<>" signs, for example: <grin>, <evil laughter>, <ducking and running>. These action indicators can be used to good effect, and humor, so they are welcome here. Like everything, they are best used in moderation. One online custom which will not be welcome in the pages of RAH is the practice of including smiley faces { :-) } or variations on that theme. I use these myself in messages, but they have no place in the semi-serious writing being published in RAH. Remember, writing humor can be a very serious business. Besides, humorists are not supposed to laugh at their own jokes. --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets: Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket? Friends don't let friends use Windoze. OS/2=0 Dedicated to the brave men who go down to the chips in C. Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. I haven't lost my mind...it's backed up on tape somewhere. Calm down! It's only zeros and ones. If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? Random Access Humor Page A-1 September 1992 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor: Dave Bealer Acting Deputy Assistant Editor: Scott White Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-2400/MNP5) Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor Infinite Loop Communications P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1992 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, but the text MAY NOT be modified. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It may not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. Random Access Humor Page A-2 September 1992 The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 2400 (MNP5) (RAH Publication Site) <contrib> (V.32bis modem on order!) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST RAH Gateway Systems: My House -=FBBS=- Cheasapeake, VA. Sysop: Scott White FidoNet> 1:275/6 (804) 424-0394 14400 (V.32bis) RaceNet> 73:108/1 4X4Net> 44:2600/6 SportsNet> 73:108/6 RecoveryNet> 12:2600/6 Flynet> 196:30/0 PetNet> 73:108/6 InterSports> 103:1032/0 <contrib> Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 <contrib> RAH Official Distribution Sites: Automation Central San Jose, CA. Sysop: Radi Shourbaji FidoNet> 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 14400 (V.32bis) Wit-Tech Baltimore, MD. Sysop: Doug Wittich FidoNet> 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 14400 (V.32bis)