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Text File  |  1995-03-26  |  9KB  |  192 lines
  1.  
  2.                                   PITHY SAYINGS
  3.  
  4.                                        ***
  5.                             OF EVERYTHING I EVER LOST
  6.                              I miss my mind the most.
  7.                                        ***
  8.                                  THE ANSWER'S NO!
  9.                              Now what's the question?
  10.                                        ***
  11.                                   USE YOUR BRAIN
  12.                     It's the little things in life that count.
  13.                                        ***
  14.                                       MEMORY
  15.                      I never will forget ol' what's-his-name.
  16.                                        ***
  17.                          GOOD THINGS ABOUT A SHORT MEMORY
  18.                                         1
  19.                   You can enjoy the same newspaper for a month.
  20.                                         2
  21.                           You make new friends everyday.
  22.                                         3
  23.                              You forget your worries.
  24.                                        ***
  25.                           I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY
  26.                          (It just hasn't developed yet).
  27.                                        ***
  28.                                   I'M NOT LAZY.
  29.                                 I'm just so fast 
  30.                             that I'm always finished.
  31.                                        ***
  32.                                     SPELLBOUND
  33.                                Fellow bad spellers,
  34.                                       UNTIE!
  35.                                        ***
  36.                                    CLEANLINESS
  37.                               Is next to impossible.
  38.                                        ***
  39.                                WHERE THERE'S A WILL
  40.                                 There's relatives!
  41.                                        ***
  42.                                    PIGGING OUT
  43.                                  Never eat more 
  44.                                 than you can lift 
  45.                                  At one sitting.
  46.                                    (Miss Piggy)
  47.                                        ***
  48.                                      JULY 4
  49.                        He who drinks a fifth on the fourth
  50.                          May not come forth on the fifth.
  51.                                        ***
  52.                                        POP
  53.                     I don't drink anything stronger than pop.
  54.                                Pop drinks anything.
  55.                                        ***
  56.                            WE HAVE THE BEST POLITICIANS
  57.                                   money can buy.
  58.                                        ***
  59.                               HOW TO LIVE TO BE 100
  60.                                     Get to 99
  61.                               Then be very careful!
  62.                                        ***
  63.                                   THERE'S NO GNU
  64.                                   Like a new gnu.
  65.                                        ***
  66.                        I KNOW A SURGEON WHO'S A REAL CUT-UP
  67.                            Keeps everybody in stitches!
  68.                                        ***
  69.                           SAID THE HANGMAN TO THE HANGEE
  70.                          What a dope!  I ran out of rope.
  71.                           Said the hangee to the hangman
  72.                               No noose is good news.
  73.                                        ***
  74.                         I WOULD HAVE GONE TO DENTAL SCHOOL
  75.                           but I didn't have enough pull.
  76.                                        ***
  77.                                NO BORDERLINE JOKES
  78.                             Like Mason said to Dixon,
  79.                      "We've got to draw the line someplace!"
  80.                                        ***
  81.                               THERE ARE NO ABSOLUTES
  82.                           And that's the absolute truth!
  83.                                        ***
  84.                           I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES
  85.                                 Don't exaggerate!
  86.                                        ***
  87.                                     ON SAFETY
  88.                         Some people drive a car for years
  89.                               And never have wreck.
  90.                           I've driven a wreck for years
  91.                                And never had a car.
  92.                                        ***
  93.                                STAY AWAY FROM WATER
  94.                            Until you learn how to swim!
  95.                                        ***
  96.                     YOU SAY AMERICA IS IGNORANT AND APATHETIC?
  97.                           I don't know and I don't care!
  98.                             (Based on William Safire)
  99.                                        ***
  100.                         YOU CAN OBSERVE A LOT BY WATCHING!
  101.                                    (Yogi Berra)
  102.                                        ***
  103.                          WE'LL TALK LOUD AND DRAW A CROWD
  104.                                    (Bill Cosby)
  105.                                        ***
  106.                                  IT'S SO CROWDED 
  107.                             Nobody goes there anymore.
  108.                                    (Yogi Berra)
  109.                                        ***
  110.                              BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP
  111.                        But ugliness goes clear to the bone.
  112.                                        ***
  113.                               YOU GOT A POINT THERE.
  114.                           But if you'll put a hat on it,
  115.                              nobody will ever notice.
  116.                                   (Pogo Possum)
  117.                                        ***
  118.                                WHEN YOU TALK TO ME
  119.                                      Shut up!
  120.                                    (Leo Rosten)
  121.                                       ***
  122.                   THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK.
  123.                           I'll waste no time reading it.
  124.                                   (Moses Hadas)
  125.                                        ***
  126.                            THE PHONE RANG AT 3:00 A.M.
  127.                              "Oh! did I wake you up?"
  128.                                    "That's OK.
  129.                                  I had to get up 
  130.                            to answer the phone anyway."
  131.                                        ***
  132.                                 STOP AIR POLLUTION
  133.                          Shut down your local TV station.
  134.                                        ***
  135.                            WE HAS DISCOVERED THE ENEMY
  136.                                  And they is us!
  137.                                  (Pogo Possum)
  138.                                        ***
  139.                                  MECHANICS' MOTTO
  140.                                 Never force a part.
  141.                                Use a bigger hammer.
  142.                                        ***
  143.                                    SMART ALECK
  144.                              This guy's a real card!
  145.                                   Yeah, a joker.
  146.                             He needs to be dealt with.
  147.                                        ***
  148.                                  FOUR FOOD GROUPS
  149.                                     Hamburgers 
  150.                                       Pizza 
  151.                                       Tacos 
  152.                                        and 
  153.                                    French Fries.
  154.                                        ***
  155.                                  WORDS OF WISDUMB
  156.                                   Just remember
  157.                                  wherever you go
  158.                                   there you are.
  159.                                        ***
  160.                                        MUD
  161.                                   Just remember
  162.                              Mud spelled backwards is
  163.                                        DUM.
  164.                                   (Bugs Bunny)
  165.                                        ***
  166.                             GIVE SOME PEOPLE AND INCH
  167.                          and they think they're a ruler.
  168.                                        ***
  169.                                  IT ALL ADDS UP
  170.                           First, there was the old math.
  171.                        Then they switched to the new math.
  172.                              Then came the aftermath.
  173.                                        ***
  174.                                     ALL ABOARD
  175.                            Anybody who can't get aboard
  176.                                    Get a plank.
  177.                                        ***
  178.                                      SHIFTED
  179.                                  I used to have 
  180.                                an hourglass figure,
  181.                                but m' sand shifted!
  182.                                    (Ma Kettle)
  183.                                        ***
  184.                            A TERMITE WALKS UP TO A BAR
  185.                                    and demands,
  186.                           "Ok, where's the bar tender?"
  187.                                        ***
  188.  
  189.  
  190.                                        END
  191.  
  192.