When The Tables
Are Turned
How to Deal with Unwanted Advances (Part Two)
By Heather Lee
© 1995 Transgender Forum & Heather Lee
Editor's Note: Part One of the series dealt with handling unwanted advances from someone who is unaware you are transgender. Part Two deals with handling unwanted advances from someone who knows you are transgender.
Out on the Town
The music pounds with a gyrating rhythm as your head floats around the dance floor. Taken with the spirit of your primeval woman you are liberated in front of the world.
As you return to your table a handsome man approaches, "Hi luscious, want to dance?" You respond, "No thanks," and keep walking towards your table. Not content to take no for an answer, he follows you, whispering in your ear from behind, "Well how about a drink then sweet heart?"
"NO, I don't want a drink, or anything else" you reply somewhat annoyed. Approaching your table, you realize all the friends you came with are out mingling in the club. To your dismay your table is in a dimly illuminated corner of the club. It would seem the predator has his prey trapped in the corner.
An hour of thoughts pass through your head in a split second. "Should I turn and 'walk' away? But I want to sit and relax. Maybe I'll sit down and he will go away? Or one of my friends will show up? This is ridiculous! What am I afraid of? Just sit down, relax and have a drink. I am a big girl, I can take care of myself!" You sit down.
Moving in for the Kill
Towering over you as you sit, the predator starts to move in for the kill, "Mind if I sit down?" Contemplating my next move, I realize that his demanding nature would prevail and he will sit with me anyway. I stare into his eyes and wonder "What do I do next? Sure, I said why don't you join me for a drink." Somewhat surprised he sat with caution. So clever I as was, I begin a natural and eased conversation.
I begin to talk, and then I continued to talk. Never asking him a question, or even recognizing his existence. I then begin to talk about my family, my relationships, my shopping sprees, my work, my clothes, my nails, just about anything I could possibly think of. He sat in a somewhat stunned fashion, and at the very moment he would try to speak I would continue to TALK . . . about me . . . and how wonderful I was . . . how wonderful my friends were . . .how happy I was that they were with me tonight to share my happiness . . .
The Illusion of Victory
I could see the anger in his eyes . . . those dark brown eyes . . . as they stared at me . . . I finally stopped talking and looked over at him with such a quaint and friendly smile, his blood seemed to boil ever hotter. I asked him, "Are you having a good time tonight?" And before he could even breathe out a word I began to talk, about me. . . and how wonderful I was, blah, blah, blah. . .
Who Are You Dealing With?
The most important thing you need to understand in dealing with unwanted advances is knowing where the other person is coming from, in other words do they KNOW. I think it is safe for us to assume that anyone who continues to "put the moves" on a transgender, knowing they are transgender, is only after one thing, and it is almost never friendship.
Put Them at Ease
The situation above illustrates one of the most effective ways to rid yourself of unwanted advances. If after polite refusals you are still pursued, don't overtly resist, as this only invites a more aggressive response. Instead, put your hunter at ease, give him the comfort and illusion of victory. Once you have him at ease, you have a number of options for securing your escape.
Boredom Cures Many Ills
Bore him to death (as described above). This takes, well . . . guts, but if you can pull it off it can be a lot of fun . . . just don't run out of things to talk about, or family pictures to show.
Counter Expectations
Destroy the illusion. This is easy, especially if you are not shy. Obviously this person enjoys the illusion that transgenders create. Since it is the illusion this person is pursuing, and not really you, and you created the illusion, you can destroy the illusion. It's usually simple matter of dashing someone's expectations. They expect a certain look, a certain behavior. Give them what they don't expect. For most of us this won't take much imagination . . . careful though . . . some people may think you are doing it to turn them on . . . and you might be (turning them on that is)!
Oops . . . Sorry
Have an accident. This is a good way to really piss someone off, but if you can make it look accidental, it will work. Usually this involves spilling a drink on someone. If you want to be nice about it, spill water. If you want to be nasty, get the jerk to buy you an expensive fruit drink, then have an accident. Only use this as a last resort, and on someone who is a real jerk.
Use all Your Weapons
Of course most of the techniques discussed in Part One can be used too. Just remember that the person who knows you are transgender is probably going to be more assertive, and will likely require a bit more sophistication in dealing with. Also remember that how any individual reacts in the situations described can vary widely. Consider who the other person is, and the context of your interaction. If you are skilled at reading body language, you can get a good sense of how people will react!
Be Thankful
Dealing with unwanted advances is kind of like paying taxes. Nobody likes to pay taxes, but everyone is thankful to make enough money to be able to pay taxes. No one likes to deal with unwanted advances (unwanted is an operative term), but everyone is thankful to be attractive enough to invite them.
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