When The Tables Are Turned
How to Deal with Unwanted Advances (Part One)

By Heather Lee
© 1995 Transgender Forum & Heather Lee



Smoke hangs in the soft light.

Music soothes your body and soul as you sip a vodka and tonic. Your olfactory sense delights in fragrances of the evening. Enjoying your regular night out with the "girls" at a local club when suddenly from behind, a large strong hand gently caresses your shoulder; lips approach your ears whispering, "Would you like to dance?" Having no idea who just asked you to dance, you turn to face your potential suitor. "Thank you, but I don't want to dance," you respond politely. "Well, how bout I buy you a drink instead beautiful?"

Any one of us have found ourselves, or could easily find ourselves in that situation. Regardless your sexual preference, all of us, if we venture into the world, has to deal with unwanted advances. As a transgender person how do you handle unwanted advances? Well, the simple answer is just like everyone else . . . sort of . . . though there are a few things that may be special to our situation.

Do they know?

The most important question you need to answer for yourself when dealing with unwanted advances is, "Does your potential suitor know that you are a transgender person?" Generally this is very easy to determine. Consider your environment and your own ability to pass. Are you in a club that caters to a wide variety of alternative lifestyles? Would someone have good reason to believe they might find a transgender person in that environment? Are you in a more conventional environment where no one would have any reason to suspect you are transgender?

Handling advances from an admirer who knows you are transgender is different from handling advances from an admirer who does not know you are transgender. The person who knows, wants something from you knowing you are transgender; the person who does not know, wants something from someone they believe is not transgender. This is a very important difference. Let's assume that, however, your potential suitor knows of your transgender nature. How do you handle unwanted advances from a potential suitor in that situation?

What lasts forever?

First impressions are important. Remember to always display a sense of self confidence and security. Very often, weakness an insecurity invites continued harassment. Most reasonable people will leave you alone after respectfully declining one or two advances. Displaying self confidence and security will most likely dissuade others who might continue to pursue you beyond one or two polite rejections.

Acting offended or insulted by advances is simply inappropriate. While you have the right to your peace and security, someone else has the right to pursue social interaction with you, up to reasonable limits, obviously. If you venture out you should plan on being put in this situation. Respecting a person's right to approach you, will more often than not make it easier to extricate yourself from a sticky situation. Embarrassing people and making them lose face will make you a likely target, and it is usually not a good idea.

Gracious and beautiful.

Whether you think so or not, you should be flattered by the attention of an admirer. Allow your admirer the pleasure of your flattery, without leading them on, or being a tease. In other words, let them know you appreciate the attention, but buzz off! Concerning teasing and flirtatious behavior; it's fun, it's cute, and it's a game, BUT . . . be very careful . . . it's easy to get burned when playing with fire!

There's one in every crowd!

What if, after several polite rejections your persistent wooer refuses to take no for an answer. Before doing anything more drastic, try ignoring, what by now, can only be called a jerk. That will cause a large percentage of them to go away. As a contingency, if you go out with a friend, plan some predetermined signal that means "help, rescue me from this jerk."

If all that does not work, you now have one of two choices: fight or flight. Fighting does not necessarily mean a physical altercation. A heated verbal exchange may ensue. Nonetheless, tread carefully in these waters. You never know the other person's predispositions. It's smarter and safer to walk away from a situation. That's it!

Tips for Handling Unwanted Advances

Part two discusses how to handle unwanted advances from someone who does not know you are transgender. What fun!
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