I am quite terrified of death. Not of dying, but of death itself.
I am a fit pensioner, in my seventies, and for about the last four years I have tried to get people to talk about the subject, with little success. It is very much a taboo subject.
I have spoken to many clergy and they seem uncomfortable about the subject, or else trot out the accepted teaching about the Resurrection. I am familiar with that as I have been a churchgoer all my life. My head accepts the doctrine but my heart is frightened.
There is much bereavement counselling but nothing to prepare one for death.
I am quite terrified and this fear spoils and destroys the quality of my life.
From a letter to The Natural Death Centre.
How can we ever be prepared, either for our own death or the deaths of those around us? How can we 'prepare'?
At first the idea may seem futile, or morbid. Yet most of us find ourselves responsible, at some stage in our lives, for meeting the needs of a dying friend, spouse or relative, and having to learn our way through the difficult process of helping someone who is dying. A wealth of revelations accompany this process, but, more often than not, time, practical considerations and our inability to come to terms with what is happening conspire to leave many things unfinished or unsaid. The same goes for our own death.
How do we want to be cared for? What will be our legacy to our loved ones? Will we have time to find out what needs to be done and then do it? And to what extent are our attitudes towards death and our anxiety about death affecting the quality of our lives now?
As a society we are not geared towards handling death as humanely as we could. The letter above expresses the fundamental problem: we don't want to deal with it until it is inevitable or has already happened. Talking about death, even thinking about it, does not come naturally to many of us. Our fear of death seems to prevent us from coping with it. Indeed, as another letter received by the Natural Death Centre points out:
I was trained as a nurse twenty years ago and my initiation into the dying process at the age of eighteen with little to no experience of death was being told that I was never to mention the subject even if the patient asked, nor was I to speak to any relative no matter what the situation. I witnessed some appalling deaths. We were allowed to lay their bodies out, but we were not allowed to talk about it.
From a letter to The Natural Death Centre.
It is important to break the silence: we need to find ways to communicate and share thoughts, feelings and experience. Becoming more aware of the process of dying, and of the demands it makes on us and others, is a practical and valuable undertaking.
This chapter looks at ways of 'training' for dying. We begin with ways of acknowledging and exploring the reality of death, and overcoming our fears; and move on to practical considerations of making a will and making our wishes known.
The primary studentship will be drawn from those who have regular, extensive contact with dying and bereaved people. It is anticipated that some carers and dying people themselves will study the course.
The dying person's needs and strengths.
Open communication and decision-making.
Keeping everyone in the picture. Respecting confidentiality.
The range of cultural and religious expectations and rituals concerning death and dying.
The need for support for all those involved in terminal care.
From Open University preliminary course information.
While the OU concentrates upon practical considerations for carers, the one-year M.A. in 'Death and Immortality' at St. David's is philosophical in content:
In the future it may well be that going on a course about preparations for dying will become as normal as learning first aid. The Natural Death Centre, for instance, offers workshops entitled 'Living with Dying' run by Christianne Heal. (Details of these evening and weekend sessions held around the country are available, for an SAE, from The Natural Death Centre.) On the whole death is not an easy or welcome subject for general, informal conversation, and so a setting in which death is discussed and explored is a welcome opportunity, as Christianne explains:
Christianne Heal, interviewed in Counselling News (Sept. 1991).
Linda and Martin, who attended Christianne's workshops, each describe the experience:
Christianne Heal created a safe atmosphere with her sensitive and grounded approach. We first examined our childhood beliefs and experiences of death, and then we sat in pairs, with eyes shut and we took it in turns to be each other's death. 'Hello Ruth, I am your death. I am like the dark side of the moon; you can't see me but you know I'm there. I have known you all your life and now it is time for you to know me, do not be scared, I am nothing to fear.' To hear my death speak was uncanny and this effect is heightened because in the silence you hear all the other deaths in the room quietly talking to their partners. I was amazed how the universality of death drew us closer as a group; we listened, and supported each other.
Christianne asked us to draw a 'map' and to mark around us all the people who are important to us, living or dead. Then we worked in pairs, one partner listened, while the other had half an hour to say goodbye to all the people he or she had placed on the map. I found this very painful, I think everyone did. It is also beautiful to listen to your partner talking to their friends and family in such a loving and powerful way, expressing the very core of their feelings. Where else would we get the space to say these things to our loved ones, especially those who have died? Funerals only serve this function up to a point, and not at all when it comes to expressing the anger which often accompanies bereavement.
We danced a 'dance of death' to beautiful music with our eyes shut, improvising, imagining death, gently moving amongst each other. We painted death, fascinated by how different all the pictures were - some people started by drawing only black, but then realised that there had to be colour and light there too.
There was an exercise on 'what you would do if you only had six months to live'. Try it some time, take it seriously and you may be surprised at what you reveal to yourself.
We had the opportunity to write our own obituary and were given the freedom to fantasise about the life for which we would like to be remembered.
The difference in people's aspirations was quite lovely: from one person who had built his own chicken shed to another whose assassination at a political rally precipitated world revolution.
At the end one person said: 'I've never laughed so much in a weekend.'
Not true at all Mainly not true Not sure Somewhat true Very true
I tend not to be very brave in crisis situations
I am an unusually anxious person
I am something of a hypochondriac and am perhaps obsessively worried about infections
I have never had a semi-mystical, spiritual, out-of-the-body, near-death or 'peak experience'
I tend to be unusually frightened in planes at take off and landing
I do not have a particular religion or philosophy that helps me to face dying
I do not believe in any form of survival of the soul after death
Personally I would give a lot to be immortal in this body
I am very much a city person and not really close to nature
Anxiety about death spoils the quality of my life
I am superstitious that preparing for dying might hasten my death
I don't like the way some of my relatives died and fear that my death could be like theirs
My actual experience of friends dying has been undilutedly negative
I would feel easier being with a dying relative if they were not told they were dying
I have fears of dying alone without friends around me
I have fears of dying suddenly
I have fears of dying before my time or whilst my children are still young
I have fears of dying before fulfilling my potential and fully using my talents
I have fears of dying without adequately having expressed my love to those I am close to
I have fears of dying before having really experienced much 'joie de vivre'
I have fears of what may or may not happen after death
I have fears of what could happen to my family after my death
I have fears of dying in hospital or an institution
I have fears of those caring for me feeling overwhelmed by the strain of it
I have fears of not getting help with euthanasia when the time comes
I have fears of being given unofficial and unwanted euthanasia
I have fears of getting insufficient pain control whilst dying
I have fears of being over-medicalised and unconscious whilst dying
I have fears of being declared dead when not really dead or being buried alive
I have fears of getting confused at death or not being able to follow my spiritual practices
I have fears of what may happen to my body after death
I have fears of an Alzheimer's type mental degeneration near death
Overall I would say that I am unusually anxious about death and dying
The extremely anxious (scoring over 65 or so) might consider the need for counselling or therapy; the unusually anxious (scoring over 40) might want to find a method of meditation, self-hypnotic autogenic training, chant, dance, co-counselling relationship, therapy workshop, philosophy, spiritual practice or similar that could help them to experience, explore and accept their feelings; the averagely anxious (scoring under 40) don't have to be too smug - in certain respects anxiety can correlate with intelligence; and once the shaman's advice to 'make friends with one's fear' has been absorbed, anxiety is free to transform into energy and ecstasy - perhaps there is a Zen Art of Being Anxious, just as there seems to be a Zen Art of everything else, from archery to flower arranging.
For the record, Nicholas Albery, one of the co-editors of this book, scored an anxiety rating of 45 - 'no doubt a need to face my anxiety on the subject is what attracted me to it in the first place,' he says.
The scale is perhaps more interesting for the questions it poses than for the number it produces. Most of us will recognise that it is possible to be 'over-anxious' about death, to the extent that it lessens our enjoyment of life; and indeed the possibility that we are so anxious about death that we deny any anxiety at all. It is to be hoped that people who do take the test do not become anxious about their anxiety rating!
Some people find that their anxiety about death becomes manageable in unexpected ways, as in these examples:
'I was lying home alone in the afternoon. It was as if all my life had constantly prevented this experience from going to its end. All my life I had been preventing my death.
'I lay on the floor, totally disarmed, unable to make a gesture that could prevent the rising fear. And thus it grew in me, but, for the first time, I allowed it to happen. I could not prevent it. The fear and the death rose and became my overwhelming experience. And I witnessed the crisis of that fear in a moment of conscious, voluntary death. I allowed the death to happen, and I saw it happen.
'When the moment of crisis passed I felt a marvellous relief. The death had occured, but I had observed it! I remained untouched by it. The body and the mind and the personality had died, but I remained as an essential and unqualified consciousness ... There was just an infinite bliss of being.'
Da Free John quoted in 'Practical Guide to Death and Dying' by
I have been afraid of death since I was a very young child and I think the two things that have helped me are giving birth and being in therapy. I hope one day I will be able to welcome death without fear and I fiercely believe that people should die at home if they can and that we should all be able to talk about it.
From a letter by Jehane Markham to The Natural Death Centre.
When our son was on the way, I learned about 'birthing' (the theory) and went to relaxation classes. When he was born I had no fear, hardly any pain (merely discomfort) and he came along almost in record time. I wonder: if we could feel the same way about our deaths, mightn't it help the person involved and everyone else concerned? Perhaps the baby born to an unafraid and relaxed mother might feel better about being born than if the mother is all tense and hurting. Things may go a bit wrong afterwards, but at least she or he has had a fair start. The same could apply to dying.
From a letter to The Natural Death Centre.
The parallels between dying and giving birth are very strong. As Anya Foos-Graber in her book 'Deathing' urges us: 'Look at death's counterpart - fertilization, pregnancy and birth! Not knowing about the 'birds and the bees' doesn't ward off pregnancy! Knowing the process, whether of birth or death, means you can positively utilise it.'
To begin, let me share what I have learned from my experience of Death Week. I learned about myself. In fact, it was the first time in a great while that I took a very close look at what I am really like. I discovered that I am strong and persevering and that strength comes from a very deep faith in God. I learned about life. Not because I had 'only seven days to live' and wanted to cram every experience into that time that I could, but because as I was 'dying' I became more aware of the events happening around me. The very minute and trivial things of life seemed to become peak experiences for me, so much so that at times my senses were bombarded by stimuli which overwhelmed my mind to the point of great excitement, followed by confusion, and finally ending in total exhaustion. It was during these low points, these times of loneliness and depression, that I would come to an understanding of life. The understanding was not profound or shockingly new, but was remarkably simple. The simplicity gave me such a feeling of comfort and joy that as the week progressed, I became excited about my death. I was finally going home and that made me very happy.
Yes, I no longer take life for granted. I have become aware of how precious every day is.
It has made me more content about myself.
The most significant effect is that I no longer fear the inevitable reality of death.
The experience made me decide to tell my family how I wanted to be dealt with after death. I wanted to tell them what I wanted done. It is my last opportunity to take care of things for me. After all, it is my life and my death. I have talked to each of my children and husband about cremation and this is what I want done. Before Death Week, I just figured after I am dead what does it matter, but it does.
It seems to me that during that period after Death Week I became more comfortable with myself and expressed how I really felt to my friends and family. I gradually became less dependent on people for my own happiness and my relationships became more open, honest and mutual in their give-and-take aspects.
From 'Death Week' by Peter Prunkl and Rebecca Berry, Hemisphere (1101 Vermont Ave, NW # 200, Washington DC 20005. 1989, ISBN 0 89116 112 0, £14).
One stimulating way is to write your own obituary - use a formal newspaper style if you wish, or imagine that you know you are to die within days and complete as many of the following sentences as you find suitably provocative:
For myself, what I am most pleased with and proud of in my life, are ...
One of the most important lessons that I have learnt in my lifetime is that ...
During my life I have used my ... [list three positive personal characteristics, for example: imagination, sense of humour and intelligence] through my ... [list three activities, for example: writing, running groups and parenting] with the underlying vision, I now realise, of helping work towards a world in which, one day, ... [describe your long-term Utopia, for example: 'people are kind and sensitive to each other, nature is at ease and magic is alive'].
The people I have felt closest to in my life have been ...
One generalisation I could make about the quality of my relationships with others is that ...
If I regret anything, it is that ...
If I had known how short a time I had left to live, I would probably have ...
The purpose of this obituary, besides that of evaluating your achievements and failures, is to flush out whether a more acute awareness of your own mortality would lead you to want to make changes in your life, in case you might wish to make them now, rather than being filled with regrets on your deathbed.
Another way of preparing for death is just to imagine dying, which many of us must have done in our own way. Here is one version:
You feel yourself drifting. You don't have any more energy to do anything. Your desk is piled high with unanswered letters, bills to be paid, unfinished projects. Either someone else will pick them up for you or they will remain undone. It doesn't matter much. No one will know that the idea you meant to work out never came to expression. No one will feel the poorer for it. Then there are the people in your life. If you loved them well, they will miss you and grieve for you. Over time the poignancy of your absence will fade and only a warm remembrance will be left. There will be those for whom you did not care enough, those you rejected, those with whom there is still some unfinished business. It doesn't matter now. There is nothing you can do about it.
There is only one thing you can do, and that is to let go. Let the tasks of the world slip away. Let your loved ones mourn a little while for you and then go on their way. Let go of everything, your home, your possessions, your feelings and your thoughts. Allow yourself to float. You begin to feel lighter. You have shed the heavy load you have been carrying. What was the heavy load? It was your sense of self-importance. It was your belief that everything you did had intrinsic importance, therefore you had to do it fully and perfectly no matter what the cost. Or, conversely, it was your belief that your work was so important that you couldn't possibly do it well enough, so the burden you carried was the unfulfilled responsibility. But, either way, don't you see how temporal it is, when you are facing your own death? This practice can help you to learn to do a little less, do it a bit more slowly, do it with care, and do it with love.
From 'Seeing Through the Visible World: Jung, Gnosis and Chaos' by
June Singer, Mandala/Harper Collins, 1990.
Many meditations on dying are to be found in Tibetan traditions, some charming ones as in the first passage below by Stephen Levine, inspired by 'The Tibetan Book of the Dead', and some at least superficially rather gruesome ones, as in the second extract below:
My friend, listen now, for that which is called death has arrived. So let go gently, gently, of all that holds you back. Of all that pulls you away from this most precious moment. Know that now you have arrived at the transition called death. Open to it. Let go into it.
Recognise the changing experience of the mind as it separates from the body, dissolving.
Dissolving now into the realms of pure light. Your true nature shining everywhere before you.
My friend, maintain an open-heartedness, a spaciousness of being that does not grasp. Let things be as they are without the least attempt to interfere. Grasping at nothing.
Enter the essential nature of your own being shining there before you, a great luminosity. Rest in being. Knowing it for what it is. This light shining, luminous. Your true self.
Let go, gently, gently, without the least force. Before you shines your true being. It is without birth, without death.
Let go of all which distracts or confuses the mind, all that created density in life.
Go gently into it. Do not be frightened or bewildered. Do not pull back in fear from the immensity of your true being. Now is a moment for liberation.
Know that you are well guided by your compassion and love. You are the essence of all things. You are the light.
From 'Who Dies?' by Stephen Levine.
An internal means is to visualise oneself as lying on one's death-bed awaiting the approach of death. Visualise that your parents, relatives and friends surround you, lamenting and upset. The radiance of your countenance has faded and your nostrils have sunk back. Your lips dry, slime begins to form on your teeth and all grace leaves your body. Bodily temperature drops, breathing becomes heavy, and you begin to exhale more deeply than you inhale. All the negative karmas [actions] generated during your life arise within your mind and you become filled with regret. You look to all sides for help, but help does not come.
From 'Tibetan Traditions of Death Meditation' by Ge-she Nga-wang
Allegra Taylor describes the way her wishes became clear and focussed through participation in a group exercise:
As I lay there, my eyes closed, trying to visualise everything I love receding from me, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that what I most wanted was to be treated as I always had been, as me. I felt a need to finish relationships and say my goodbyes calmly. I saw myself as weak and frail but with a last great longing to pass on something of value. I wanted someone to put a baby in my arms for me to hold. A last connection with life - a symbol of love and renewal.
From my family I wanted only closeness, an easy honesty and assurances that they would be all right. From visitors I wanted to know that they would provide a support network for the family after my death. I did not want anyone to take heroic measures to save me or to save my soul. Anyone who spoke to me of spiritual things needed to be supportive of my own beliefs and not a representative of alien ones.
I did rather feel that it was my show, and that the most loving last thing people could do for me would be to set aside their own needs and help me have the kind of death I wanted.
From 'Acquainted with the Night' by Allegra Taylor.
It is through these rehearsals, these meditations, that we begin to develop our own understanding of death, beyond our received ideas. Our anxieties about social status and material possessions seem no longer as important, perhaps we even find death taking on new meanings for us. Relating realistically to impermanence is the essence of both the spiritual life and of living fully. The key point about death is that time runs out - there are no more chances to get it right. As Caroline Sherwood puts it: 'If I live my life "finishing business" by keeping myself up to date and clear in my relationships, living from the deepest truth of myself, working to dissolve the barriers to love in my life - how much more easy my death might be.'
When we recognise that, just as that glass, our body is already broken, that indeed we are already dead, then life becomes precious and we open to it just as it is, in the moment it is occuring. When we understand that all our loved ones are already dead - our children, our mates, our friends - how precious they become. How little fear can interpose, how little doubt can estrange us. When you live your life as though you're already dead, life takes on a new meaning. Each moment becomes a whole lifetime, a universe unto itself.
From 'Who Dies?' by Stephen Levine.
From 'The Labyrinth of Solitude' by Octavio Paz, Penguin, 1985.
Many of the exercises we have seen have been concerned with individual introspection. In the workshops and group exercises there is an added dimension of shared experience. Taking this one step further, the London-based City Dying Group organises candlelit vigils in cemeteries. Each of the participants brings a candle, which they light one by one, saying goodbye to somebody (or something). This relaxed ritual has been going since 1985; the group also organises picnics in cemeteries. Strange as this may seem, it is not unlike the Mexican festival called 'El Dia de los Muertes' (The Day of the Dead) when Mexicans celebrate the memory of lost loved ones with cemetery vigils, dancing and riotous parades, in the (loosely-held) belief that their loved ones return in spirit to join in. Mexico is like most of the world, in that infant mortality and adult illness are much more common than they are here. Death is more a part of life, and perhaps because of this, Mexicans treat it with a healthy mixture of respect and irreverence.
In the urban setting of Mexico City and other large towns the celebration is seen at its most exuberant, with figures of skulls and skeletons everywhere. These mimic the living and disport themselves in a mocking modern dance of death. It is not surprising that so colourful an event should have become a tourist event.
Not far away from the tourist routes there is, however, another Mexico. In the rural areas, in every village or small town, the Day of the Dead is celebrated beyond the glare of flashbulbs. Each household prepares its offering of food and drink for the dead to be set out on a table among flowers and candles. The blue smoke of burning copal incense sanctifies the ceremony, just as it has done for centuries. Outside the peace is shattered by the explosions of the rockets set off to mark the fulfilment of an obligation deeply felt. The whole company of the living and the dead share in the flowering and fruiting of the land which both have cultivated.
The Day of the Dead is essentially a private or family feast. It has a public aspect at community level, but the core of the celebration takes place within the family home. It is a time of family reunion not only for the living but also the dead, who, for a few brief hours each year, return to be with their relatives in this world.
From 'The Skeleton At The Feast' by Elizabeth Carmichael and Chloë Sayer, British Museum Press (46 Bloomsbury St, London WC1B 3QQ), 1991, ISBN 0 7141 2503 2, £12-95.
The Day of the Dead is celebrated on October 31st, the eve of All Saints' Day, on which day the same custom of visiting the dead in their last resting places used to be common throughout Christendom, and is still widely observed, in France for example. These practices enable us to commemorate and celebrate our loved ones, and keep our own sense of death in perspective, by giving death and the dead a time as well as a place.
The Natural Death Centre has inaugurated a smaller-scale English Day of the Dead, initially as a festival and exhibition, for the third Sunday in April of each year. Make contact with the Centre for the details, or if you have a suitable event to suggest.
In fact, as the Law Society has recently been campaigning to remind us, only about one in three adults in Britain has a will. This may not matter so much for single people without children, but it can lead to unnecessary financial hardship for many families. If you die without a will ('intestate'), the intestacy rules dictate who receives your estate (the total of your house and its contents, car, various insurance policies and savings accounts may well come to more than you realise). The rules will also decide who should manage the affairs of your estate, and who will be your legal representatives (and what their costs may be). It is important to realise that unmarried partners may have no claim on the estate (unless 'dependant', but this could be expensive to establish). Even a legal wife or husband may have to sell the home to pay the other automatic beneficiaries. Of particular importance in the case of divorced or separated parents, the rules will determine who the legal guardians of your children will be; with a will you can name the person you would like to act as your children's guardian.
The standard way to get a will drawn up is to consult a solicitor (this would be likely to cost between £15 and £400, with an average of £50 nationwide). It is worth familiarising yourself with the procedure before you visit a solicitor as this could save you time, money and possible confusion. There are six simple steps to take before you make a will:
(1) Before you see your solicitor, list all the items you have to leave - house and contents, car, savings accounts, etc, and their rough value.
(2) Consider who you would like to provide for and in what way.
(3) Consider whether you would like to leave money or property 'in trust' for children or grandchildren until they are grown up and at what age you think they should inherit your gift.
(4) Decide who you would like to receive your sentimental belongings. These may be of little financial value but you can pass them on to someone you know will appreciate them.
(5) Consider whether you would like to leave some money to charity (bequests to charities are not liable to inheritance tax).
(6) Choose one or more executors to 'wind up your affairs'. The executors can be spouses or members of the family or friends, although it is as well to get their agreement in advance. If, in the event, they find the task too onerous, as they well may, they can always ask a solicitor to take over (solicitors tend to charge less than banks).
Adapted from 'The Granada Action Factsheet, Death: A Practical Guide'.
Here is an example of a will for a married man with two children who is concerned to minimise long-term liability to Inheritance Tax, and with several other unusual features:
I revoke all previous Wills and Codicils made by me. I appoint as my executors my brother Arthur Winterton of 48 Book Lane, London N8 (tel 081 286 2194) and my sister Alice Maples of 12 Montrose Road, London N4 (tel 081 937 4582) - or if either or both of them is unable or unwilling to act my friend Alan Beam of 12 Corry Close, London WC2 (tel 071 208 9432) is to be an executor.
I wish to be buried in a home-made coffin in my field in Speen in Buckinghamshire. I have notified the county council's environmental health department and planning department and they have no objections.
If my wife Rosemary dies before me or does not survive me for thirty days, I appoint my sister Alice Maples and her husband Michael Maples as the guardians to the age of eighteen of my son Arthur my daughter Mary and any other children I may have.
I give and bequeath as follows - with each gift and bequest throughout this will subject to the condition that the potential recipient survives me by thirty days.
I give the following bequests free from all taxes and duties payable on or by reference to my death. These bequests and legacies are to lapse automatically if the recipient is dead or if a total of six letters or telephone calls in any particular case fails to trace them within six months. No advertisements or other means need be used.
(a) my painting by Emily Young to my friend Amelia Hart of 88 Forge Terrace, Thornhill, Derby (tel 0437 3333)
(b) such motorbike as I may own at my death to my nephew Joseph Lawlor of 33 Warren Street, Church Stretton, Shropshire (tel 0331 3227).
I give the following legacies free from all taxes and duties payable on or by reference to my death:
(a) £500 to each of my executors who proves my will
(b) £1000 to my secretary Janet Simmonds of 51 Victoria Road, Chesterfield, Derbyshire (tel 0437 34282)
(c) £1000 to the Fourth World Educational and Research Association Trust, 20 Heber Road, London NW2 (tel 081 208 2853) Registered Charity Number 283040 for the benefit of their project The Natural Death Centre. I declare that the receipt of the charity's treasurer or other person professing to be the duly authorised officer shall be a full and sufficient discharge to my executors.
After the executors have paid my debts any taxes and duties payable on my death and the expenses of my funeral and of administering my estate I give to my wife the whole of the rest of my estate except for my interest in the property at 41 Baldwin Lane, Caversham, Reading but including its contents and furniture.
I give free from all taxes and duties payable on or by reference to my death all my interest in the property at 41 Baldwin Lane, Caversham, Reading to my executors as trustees. They are to sell everything not in the form of cash but they may postpone the sale of anything as long as they like. They are to invest or apply what is left in any type of property just as if it were their own money.
My trustees may give to the guardians of my children any percentage of what is left to enable them to acquire property as needed for my children or to apply for my children's benefit.
My trustees are to divide whatever is left from this 'trust for sale' (including any income from it) between such of my children as reach the age of eighteen - if more than one then in shares as near to equal as is reasonably practicable. My children are my son Arthur (born 3/1/76) my daughter Mary (born 28/7/78) and any other children I may have in future. The trustees may apply the actual assets rather than cash if they think fit without requiring the consent of any other person. All these children are to have a contingent rather than vested interest in my estate.
If any child of mine dies before me or dies under the age of eighteen leaving children who do reach that age then my trustees are to divide as equally as is reasonably practicable between these grandchildren the share of my estate which their parent would have received if that parent had lived long enough.
If my trustees think it proper they may at any time apply for the maintenance education or benefit of any beneficiary under the provisions of the two previous paragraphs any part of the capital of the property to which he or she would have become entitled on reaching eighteen.
The receipt of the guardian or any person professing to be the proper officer of any school college or other education establishment which any of the children are attending at that time shall be a full and sufficient discharge to my trustees in respect of that beneficiary.
Any person contesting this will or attempting to set aside any part of it before any court is to be denied any benefit from my estate.
Signed by Donald Roland Winterton
in our presence and then by us in his: Signature______________________
Signature_________________________Name_______________________
Address______________________________________________________
Occupation____________________________________________________
Signature_________________________Name_______________________
Address______________________________________________________
Occupation____________________________________________________
On the whole a will can be written in plain English. Avoid any possible ambiguities of meaning.
In the passages above where it descends into legal gobbledegook it is for a reason, so beware if you make significant changes in such wordings. Beware generally, and seek legal approval of your will if in any doubt. A very useful guide, used in designing the above will, is the 'Which?' book, 'Wills and Probate' edited by the Consumers' Association (for details see under Books in the Resources chapter).
Revoke previous wills even if you have never made any.
Note the absence of commas in the text, except in the addresses, an absence which lawyers think helps guard against fraudulent alteration of a will and against the need for judicial interpretation of the comma's meaning. If the will goes over one side of paper, continue on the back of the paper. If further pages are needed, these should be numbered and you and the witnesses should sign at the bottom of each page.
Those appointed as guardians for children can also be executors of the will, unless you think there could be a conflict of interest - for instance the possibility of the trustees enriching themselves; or, on the contrary, of the trustees not taking enough, through being too diffident to recoup expenses.
There is no Inheritance Tax payable when the spouse inherits, but when the spouse in turn dies, then the tax is payable on net assets over £150,000 (the current figure. which alters regularly). To avoid this in advance, the will (above) gives a house to the children, and the contents, furniture, cash, etc, to the wife. This would obviously only be practicable in a case where the children were to be trusted not to evict or harass the wife.
Phone numbers and dates of birth are not normally put in a will, with all such details normally on separate sheets put with the will. But, as long as the details are correct, what harm can it do? Do not, however, fasten such sheets or anything else to the will itself, whether by pins, staples or paperclips.
The reference to bequests lapsing if the beneficiaries are not readily traceable is to prevent the executors having to go to enormous lengths, including placing ads in the London Gazette, to find beneficiaries - as sometimes happens, especially when a person has lived to a grand old age and lost contact with those remembered in the will.
A will such as this containing several vital technicalities and creating a 'trust for sale' for the children (which avoids various legal pitfalls and needs careful wording) should at the very least to be checked by a solicitor. One way we have done this for free in the past is through one of the house insurance free advice schemes - in this case Frizzell, tel 0202 292333 (who were, prior to the recent takeover, recommended by 'Which?', for providing good value house contents insurance in the London area). Frizzell offer 24 hour free medical, domestic and legal advice service to their clients. Faxing two prototype wills to them provoked a marvellous six page letter of comment from their solicitor in reply.
The children have a 'contingent' interest - ie contingent in this case upon the youngest reaching the age of eighteen. If the child dies earlier then that gift will lapse (unless there are children of that child), and the gift will go to the other children. A vested interest on the other hand would have formed part of the child's estate.
Denying any part of the estate to those contesting your will may not stand up in court, but it could put them off trying.
The witnesses should be people who will not benefit from your will, or they will forfeit any provision made for them.
The following points are worth noting about wills in general:
A will could be left in a safe place in the house, along with your other main papers, which would be simpler and quicker than leaving it with a solicitor or depositing it at the bank. Tell your executors where you have left it and consider giving them copies (note on the copies who has the original and where).
A will is automatically negated by marriage, so make another one at this time. It is as well to make another one too if you divorce.
Tax can sometimes be saved within two years after death by the beneficiaries of the will entering into a deed to vary its terms.
To repeat: be careful in your use of words in your will. Do not write for instance 'I give all my money to ...' if what you really mean is 'I give everything I own to ...'.
Avoid inadvertently giving your spouse a mere 'life interest' in your property (where the person is only able to get income from the house and no capital). You could make this mistake by specifying what is to happen to the property after the spouse's death. Such considerations should be left for the spouse's own will to deal with.
In Scotland your spouse and children have rights to one third or more of your estate (other than lands or buildings) whatever your will may say to the contrary.
Many more such interesting points are raised in the 'Which?' book mentioned above.
Typing errors in a will are best avoided. If retained they must be signed with your signature and that of your witnesses in the margin. To make small changes in a will the normal procedure is to add a codicil, with two new witnesses signing at the end, using the same legal formula as in the main will ('signed by ... in our presence and then ...'). A sample codicil might read:
This is the first codicil to the will made the fourteenth day of April nineteen ninety three of me Donald Roland Winterton of 26 Oxford Gardens, London W10.
(1) I revoke the bequest of £1,000 to Janet Simmonds.
(2) In all other respects I confirm my will.
The Law Society has produced a series of fact sheets on will-making. For a free copy of the relevant one, state your circumstances (married, grandparent, divorced, etc) and send a stamped addressed envelope to The Law Society, 50 Chancery Lane, London, WC2A 1SX. They also have a leaflet 'Ten Steps to Make a Will' and a helpline on 071 274 7000. Homelife (formerly the Distressed Gentlefolk's Aid Association) have a free guide 'Where There's a Will There's a Way' available from Hilary Watt, Homelife, Vicarage Gate House, Vicarage Gate, London W8 4AQ. If you want to use a solicitor, you could phone around in the Yellow Pages for the cheapest.
The Will Registry offers a professional will-drafting service, based upon a detailed questionnaire, for around £20, or £30 for two mutual wills: write to The Will Registry, 357-361 Lewisham High Street, London SE13 6NZ.
The charity, Age Concern (see under Organisations in the Resources chapter), offers a will-making service, again based on a questionnaire, for £40.
The Camden Citizens Advice Bureau (tel 071 483 1860) has a list of solicitors who will draw up a will for a £30 minimum donation to the Bureau.
You may be able to get a will drafted at subsidised cost by a solicitor under the Legal Aid Green Form scheme if you are both over 70 years (or blind or partially blind or deaf or hard of hearing or handicapped by illness or injury) and of modest means with low savings.
Inheritance tax information is available from the Inland Revenue's Capital Taxes Office: Commerce Square, High Pavement, The Lace Market, Nottingham NG1 1HS (tel 0602 243939). For general information, ask for booklets IR 45 and IHT1. Or you can obtain a helpful and detailed free guide 'Planning for Inheritance Tax' from the financial advisers Chamberlain de Broe (tel 071 235 5999).
A final warning from the 'Which?' book:
A will is a technical legal document; it is not surprising that some laymen go astray when they try to make a will unaided. If you have any doubts, you should seek a solicitor's advice.
From 'Wills and Probate' edited by the Consumer's Association.
At the same time as making a will, it is a good idea to fill in a form entitled 'Enduring Power of Attorney' (available from Oyez Stationery Ltd, 49 Bedford Row, London WC1, tel 071 242 7132). This enables you to nominate one or more people to represent you at some future stage should you become mentally incapable of handling your affairs.Your form would only be officially registered with the Court of Protection if and when required. Filling in such a form in advance could save your relatives up to £1,000 a year, as otherwise a receiver would have to be appointed by the court.
Address and phone number of the local registry office (under 'R' in the phone book); your full name (exactly as on birth or marriage certificate); maiden name if a married woman; date and place of birth; home address; (last) occupation; full name and occupation of the husband (and in Scotland, the names and occupations of the spouse, male or female, and of all previous spouses and of the deceased's father; and whether the parents are alive); your NHS number; date of birth of your spouse; information about state or war pensions and allowances. Your birth and marriage certificates and NHS medical card (or at least its number) should also if possible be in this dossier, for taking along to the Registry office in due course.
Other helpful information you could you leave for your relatives after your death could include some of the following:
Addresses, telephone number, account numbers, etc for: your bank; building society; credit cards; hire purchase agreements; mortgage; house insurance; council rent department; local gas, electricity, water and telephone offices; life insurance; hire purchase agreements; debts or loans; car details; share certificate details (or the originals of these certificates); premium bonds; pension details; your doctor; your solicitor; your accountant; your stockbroker; your local inspector of taxes and your tax district and tax district reference number; your employers and professional associations; your main clients; your local priest or rabbi or British Humanist officiant or similar, depending on your religion or lack of it; those friends and relatives you would like invited to your funeral; which newspaper, if any, you would like your death announced in; what kind of funeral you would like; your preferred undertaker, if any; your burial rights if pre-bought.
If no precautions are taken, a spouse can be left with access to very little money after death freezes (non-joint) bank accounts: so if death is near it is as well either to take money out of the bank or to open joint bank or building society accounts. Probate on stocks and shares - sending forms to lots of firms and all the minute accounting involved - is excessively complicated: again, if death is imminent, it might be as well to cash them in, or to transfer them into the name of one's spouse (more complicated this - 'Con40' stock transfer forms are obtainable from Oyez Stationery Ltd - address above). In fact your executors may be able to avoid the whole problem of probate altogether if you leave behind you only cash and 'personal effects' (car, furniture, etc), having previously disposed of house, shares, bank accounts, pension arrears, etc. If you must maintain a personal store of money in your own name until your death, consider National Savings accounts at the post office, as these do not require a 'grant of probate or letters of administration'. Up to £5,000 in any of these can be handed over to the appropriate relative after death simply by that person filling in form DNS 904 from the post office and sending this in with a £1-50 death certificate copy and, if relevant, a photocopy of the marriage certificate. Building Society investments and Trustee Savings Bank investments may also be paid out if there is less than £5,000 in any one account.
If you can keep the total net worth of your estate (including any jointly owned property) at your death below £125,000 (the current figure, although this changes regularly), your executors can avoid the Inland Revenue rules demanding a full account of the estate.
A reminder: if your total estate after debts is likely to be worth over the inheritance tax limit (currently £150,000) then it may be worth taking measures to reduce this figure, such as dividing the house and other assets either before your death or in your will (see the section on wills above) between your children and spouse - so that your children will not be hit by the tax when your spouse dies.
Incidentally, if you are taking out life insurance, make sure that it is of a kind that enables your beneficiaries to get the money without waiting for probate.
Among the most enduring of all horrors is the prospect of a slow, painful death. Those who witness the protracted terminal illness of a friend or relative often view the eventual death more as a relief than a tragedy.
But to make life-or-death decisions on behalf of a dying person unable to communicate his or her wishes is to enter a moral and legal minefield. Could a doctor be sued for withholding treatment and allowing someone to die - or for not allowing him or her to die? Could it ever be lawful to withhold food and water?
Legal moves are afoot which may settle these questions. Recently, the all-party parliamentary group on voluntary euthanasia proposed legislation to make documents known as 'Advance Directives', or Living Wills, legally binding.
An Advance Directive sets out the kind of medical treatment a person wishes to receive, or not receive, should he or she ever be in a condition that prevents them expressing those wishes. Such documents, much in vogue in the US and some Commonwealth countries, are becoming increasingly popular in Britain.
The proposed legislation is intended to clarify, not to change, the law. Doubts about the enforceability of Advance Directives arise from the lack of English case law on the issue. But a legal opinion sought recently from Alan Newman QC by the Voluntary Euthanasia Society suggests that its Advance Directive may, even without new legislation, be binding in an English court of law.
A clear distinction must be drawn between actions requested by an Advance Directive, and active euthanasia, or 'mercy killing'. A doctor who took a positive step - such as giving a lethal injection - to help a patient die would, as the law stands, be guilty of murder or aiding and abetting suicide, depending on the circumstances.
An Advance Directive, however, requests only passive euthanasia: the withholding of medical treatment aimed solely at sustaining the life of a patient who is terminally ill or a vegetable. The definition of medical treatment, in such circumstances, can include food and water.
In Mr Newman's opinion, the enforceability of the Advance Directive stems from the notion, long accepted in English law, that a person who is both old enough to make an informed decision and compos mentis, is entitled to refuse any medical treatment offered by a doctor, even if that refusal leads to the person's death. A doctor who forces treatment on a patient against his or her wishes is, therefore, guilty of an assault. Case law exists in the US and several Commonwealth countries that extends this right of autonomy over one's life to patients who write an Advance Directive refusing treatment and subsequently lose their reason. Mr Newman says there is no reason based on public policy or English case law, why an English court should treat previously made instructions any differently. He concludes: 'Providing the declarant is informed at the time when he signs the Advance Directive, such Advance Directive is effective in English law and must be followed by a doctor administering treatment to a patient who has subsequently become incompetent.'
With or without the proposed legislation - which is being introduced as a Private Member's Bill - Mr Newman's opinion will bring reassurance to the thousands of people who have lodged Advance Directives with their GPs.
Douglas Harding, a retired headmaster, is 63 and physically fit and active. He has completed an Advance Directive out of the desire to avoid a drawn-out, painful death like that suffered by his wife, who contracted cancer during pregnancy.
'It was clear from the beginning that she was going to die. But she had an appalling and very protracted death. By the time she died, she had only one breast, she had a lump on her head the size of an ostrich egg, she was blind, and her spine was twisted. I never want to suffer the same way,' he says.
Equally important to Mr Harding is to maintain some control over the time and manner of his death. 'I'd like doctors always to treat me as a sensible being.'
Shane Snape, 31, is a nurse who completed an Advance Directive when he learnt he was dying of Aids. He says that by doing so, he hopes to free his doctors and his family from the burden of deciding whether or not to keep him alive.
'As a nurse, I've seen the difficult situations people get themselves into. The family and the hospital never know what to do. People are left wondering if they have made the right decision. This way, the onus falls on me,' he says.
Mr Snape has adapted the Voluntary Euthanasia Society's draft Advance Directive, specifying that he wishes never to be deprived of water, and that he should be included in discussions about his health for as long as he is able.
The document could be used to sue a doctor who disregards his wishes - but it could also protect medical staff, he says:
'The greatest difficulty for a care worker is to know what the patient's wishes are. Not knowing can work against them [in law]. The Advance Directive excludes doctors from guilt or liability.'
Nuala Scarisbrick, a member of the Committee Against Euthanasia, believes Advance Directives are unnecessary - there is an increasing number of hospices providing the means for people to die with dignity - and are vulnerable to abuse. 'Advance directives are really about killing people. They are open to the danger of relatives colluding with an unethical doctor. It all comes down to money,' she says.
The proposed legislation may prove to be the first step towards legalising active euthanasia. Its backers say that, with the support of more than 200 MPs and peers, it has a good chance of becoming law. If it does, a full voluntary euthanasia bill is likely before the middle of the decade.
From an article by Simon Denison in The Independent, July 1991.
In 1992 the courts established (in the case of a Jehovah Witness' daughter) that it is legal for doctors to disregard a patient's direct refusal of treatment when that treatment is considered life-saving and there is evidence that the patient has been 'influenced' in his or her decision.
As Shane Snape made clear, one of the purposes of living wills is to simplify the moral dilemmas of doctors and relatives, and indeed the British Medical Association (BMA) has recently supported the use of Living Wills (Advance Directives), stating, in part:
The BMA suggests that patients who have drafted an Advance Directive carry a card [eds: see illustration later in this chapter] indicating that fact as well as lodging a copy with their doctor.
The Association recommends that any person making an Advance Directive updates it at regular intervals. Five years is suggested as an appropriate interval for patients to review their decisions.
Deborah Duda's examination of the religious considerations for the United States is equally relevant to the UK:
If you are Catholic, you may already be aware that the June 1980 Declaration of Euthanasia concluded: 'When inevitable death is imminent, it is permitted in conscience to take the decision to refuse forms of treatment that would only secure a precarious and burdensome prolongation of life.' The United Methodist Church says, 'We assert the right of every person to die in dignity without efforts to prolong terminal illnesses merely because the technology is available to do so.' The Central Conference of American Rabbis said, 'The conclusion from the spirit of Jewish Law is that while you may not do anything to hasten death, you may, under special circumstances of suffering and helplessness, allow death to come.'
She also reports a study carried out by an American educational council into the effect a Living Will might have on a life insurance policy:
They reported that signing a Living Will would not invalidate any life insurance policy and would not be construed as an intent to commit suicide. Insurance companies stand to save lots of money if people are not kept alive artificially for months or years in hospitals or nursing homes.
Reprinted with permission from 'Coming Home: A Guide to Dying at Home with Dignity', c 1987 Deborah Duda, Aurora Press, PO Box 573, Santa Fe, NM 87504, USA.
In the United States, Congress has passed a bill whereby anyone going into hospital can fill in a Living Will - some of the States now issue very long six page versions.The following Living Will has been adapted by the Natural Death Centre from those put out by the Voluntary Euthanasia Society, the Terence Higgins Trust and others. You would be well advised however to discuss your Living Will with your GP, or with another doctor if necessary; and to lodge a copy with a doctor (it might be best to change doctor if necessary, if yours is particularly hostile to the Living Will concept) and with your relatives. If you go into hospital for any serious reason, you can show it to your doctors there and have a copy put in your notes. You may also want to update the form every few years, even if just to sign and have witnessed the statement (at the end) to the effect that it still represents your wishes. Strike out any parts which you do not wish to apply to your case - or write your own version entirely.
I wish to be fully informed about any illness I may have, about treatment alternatives and likely outcomes.
I DECLARE that if at any time the following circumstances exist, namely:
(l) I suffer from one or more of the conditions mentioned in the schedule below; and
(2) I have become unable to participate effectively in decisions about my medical care; and
(3) two independent physicians (one a consultant) are of the opinion that I am unlikely to recover from illness or impairment involving severe distress or incapacity for rational existence,
THEN AND IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES my directions are as follows:
(1) that I am not to be subjected to any medical intervention or treatment aimed at prolonging or sustaining my life;
(2) that any distressing symptoms (including any caused by lack of food) are to be fully controlled by appropriate analgesic or other treatment, even though that treatment may shorten my life.
(3) that I am not to be force fed (although I wish to be given water to drink).
(4) that I wish to be allowed to spend my last days at home if at all possible.
I consent to anything proposed to be done or omitted in compliance with the directions expressed above and absolve my medical attendants from any civil liability arising out of such acts or omissions.
I wish to be as conscious as my circumstances permit (allowing for adequate pain control) as death approaches. I ask my medical attendants to bear this statement in mind when considering what my intentions would be in any uncertain situation.
I RESERVE the right to revoke this DIRECTIVE at any time, but unless I do so it should be taken to represent my continuing directions.
A Advanced disseminated malignant disease.
C Advanced degenerative disease of the nervous system.
D Severe and lasting brain damage due to injury, stroke, disease or other cause.
E Senile or pre-senile dementia, whether Alzheimer's, multi-infarct or other.
F Any other condition of comparable gravity.
I have lodged a copy of this Living Will with the following doctor, who is/is not my GP, with whom I have/have not discussed its contents :
(Name)______________________________________________
(Address)____________________________________________
_____________________________(Tel No)________________
Should I become unable to communicate my wishes as stated above and should amplification be required, I appoint the following person to represent these wishes on my behalf and I want this person to be consulted by those caring for me and for this person's representation of my views to be respected:
(Name)______________________________________________
(Address)____________________________________________
_____________________________(Tel No)________________
If this person named above is unable to act in my behalf, I authorise the following person to do so:
(Name)______________________________________________
(Address)____________________________________________
_____________________________(Tel No)________________
MY SIGNATURE________________________Date___________
My name____________________________________________
My address___________________________________________
WE TESTIFY that the above-named signed this Directive in our presence, and made it clear to us that he/she understood what it meant. We do not know of any pressure being brought on him/her to make such a directive and we believe it was made by his/her own wish. We are over 18, we are not relatives of the above-named, nor do we stand to gain from his/her death.
Signature:____________________ Signature:_______________
Name:_______________________ Name:__________________
Address:_____________________ Address:________________
____________________________ _______________________
____________________________ _______________________
FOR RENEWING WILL IN LATER YEARS:
I reaffirm the contents of my Living Will above.
MY SIGNATURE_______________________Date__________
Signature:____________________ Signature:_______________
Name:_______________________ Name:__________________
Address:_____________________ Address:________________
____________________________ _______________________
____________________________ _______________________
If you fill in the part above appointing a person to represent your wishes on your behalf, it should be someone whom you trust absolutely, especially if they stand to inherit under your will.
If you would like to see the 'Advance Declaration' on which this Living Will is largely based, contact the Voluntary Euthanasia Society (VES), 13 Prince of Wales Terrace, London W8 5PG (tel 071 937 7770). (The form for Scotland produced by the independent VES there is different from that used in the rest of Britain, but can be obtained from the London VES. In Scotland a 'tutor dative', a legally enforceable proxy can be appointed by the court; and witnesses are not needed, it is sufficient to sign writing above your signature the words 'adopted as holograph'. Incidentally, there is less legal risk in Scotland attached to the publishing of books detailing how to practise active euthanasia.) The Terrence Higgins Trust version is available from 52-54 Gray's Inn Road, London WC1X 8JU (tel 071 831 0330). For a copy of this present Will please send one SAE plus one first class stamp to cover expenses to: The Natural Death Centre, 20 Heber Road, London NW2 6AA (tel 081 208 2853; fax 081 452 6434).
Alongside or instead of the legally-worded version above, you may like to write your own informal Natural Death Instructions. Here, for instance, is a wonderfully idiosyncratic version written by Scott Nearing (and honoured in the event by his wife - see the chapter on 'Brave and Conscious Deaths').
1. When it comes to my last illness I wish the death process to follow its natural course; consequently:
a. I wish to be at home not in a hospital.
b. I prefer that no doctor should officiate. The medics seem to know little about life, and next to nothing about death.
c. If at all possible, I wish to be outside near the end; in the open, not under a roof.
d. I wish to die fasting; therefore, as death approaches I would prefer to abstain from food.
2. I wish to be keenly aware of the death process; therefore, no sedatives, painkillers, or anaesthetics.
3. I wish to go quickly, and as quietly as possible. Therefore:
a. No injections, heart stimulants, forced feeding, no oxygen, and especially no blood transfusions.
b. No expressions of regret or sorrow, but rather, in the hearts and actions of those who may be present, calmness, dignity, understanding, joy, and peaceful sharing of the death experience.
c. Manifestation is a vast field of experience. As I have lived eagerly and fully, to the extent of my powers, so I pass on gladly and hopefully. Death is either a transition or an awakening. In either case it is to be welcomed, like every other aspect of the life process.
4. The funeral and other incidental details:
a. Unless the law requires, I direct that no undertaker, mortician, or other professional manipulator of corpses be consulted, be called in, or participate in any way in the disposal of my body.
b. I direct that as soon as convenient after my death my friends place my body in a plain wooden box made of spruce or pine boards; the body to be dressed in working clothes, and to be laid on my sleeping bag. There is to be no ornament or decoration of any kind in or on the box.
c. The body so dressed and laid out to be taken to the Auburn, Maine crematorium of which I am a paid member, and there cremated privately.
d. No funeral services are to be held. Under no circumstances is any preacher, priest, or other professional religionist to officiate at any time or in any way between death and the disposal of the ashes.
e. As soon as convenient after cremation, I request my wife, Helen K. Nearing, or if she predecease me or not be able to, some other friend to take the ashes and scatter them under some tree on our property facing Spirit Cove.
5. I make all these requests in full consciousness and the hope that they will be respected by those nearest to me who may survive me.
Excerpted from 'Loving and Leaving the Good Life', c 1992 by Helen Nearing, with the permission of Chelsea Green Publishing Company, Post Mills, VT 05058, USA.
When we choose to surrender to life, we are free; and when we are free, we are in control. This paradox lies at the heart of our human existence.
To surrender and to be free we have to accept life as it is instead of holding on to how we think it should be. We can't change something we don't first accept. Surrender and acceptance are not to be confused with resignation and succumbing. Resignation and succumbing are passive - something just overpowered or overcame us and we had no choice but to give up. Resignation is self-pity and believing the illusion that we're powerless. Acceptance and surrender, on the other hand, are positive acts. 'I choose to let go, to give up control and accept life as it is. And there will be things I can change and things I can't.'
If we deny dying and death, we're prisoners to them. When we accept them, we're free and regain the power lost in resisting them. We let go of our resistance by letting go. It's easy to do and can be hard to get ready to do. The choice to let go must be made in the heart. A choice made only in the head, unsupported by the body, feelings and soul, is unlikely to be carried out.
If we remember that choice of attitude, the ultimate freedom, is always available, we make a spacious place in which to experience dying. We can be free whether we are dying ourselves or sharing in the dying of someone we love. We can be free whether we die at home or in a hospital. Choosing our attitude is easier at home than in an atmosphere that unconsciously says dying should be isolated from life and is, therefore, not OK.
Reprinted with permission from 'Coming Home: A Guide to Dying at Home with Dignity', c 1987 Deborah Duda, Aurora Press, PO Box 573, Santa Fe, NM 87504, USA.
More specifically, you can discuss with your family and friends how you would like to die. Henry Tennant, an Aids patient, made up a list of simple demands for how he wanted to die. Some of these he was able to arrange himself, for some he needed his friends and helpers to be aware of his wishes. Allegra Taylor reports his reflections:
I want to die in a state of true happiness. I want to die chanting. I want to be in control of my death and have people with me who know what kind of spiritual atmosphere I would like around me.
It's a pity that society's current taboo about death, particularily untimely death, is denying us all an invaluable source of learning and personal development. We need death to savour life. Do what you can in the time you have. You can't expect to be 'normal' again once you're diagnosed with AIDS, but accept the fact that you can be changed by it.
From 'Acquainted with the Night' by Allegra Taylor.
Your wishes may take more specific, personal or light-hearted forms. How would you like to spend your last few weeks? Would you go on one final holiday? Would you take up smoking right at the end? Would you write rude letters to your bank manager? Would you want a bench in your memory? What would you want to say to your family and friends? Is some of it worth saying now? What would your loved ones have to remember you by? A tape of your voice, a home movie? If it enabled you to be utterly decadent for just one month or one week or one day, what would you want to do? Eat at an expensive restaurant? Swim with dolphins? Meet your hero(-ine)?
Your family will have to make certain decisions as to your funeral arrangements: should you be buried or cremated or buried at sea? What sort of casket should they use? What sort of service? What should be the tone of the wake, if there is one? If your spouse, partner or family is aware of your wishes, at least in general, it could save them considerable distress about 'getting it right'.
In her workshops Christianne Heal encourages people to consider the art of funeral preparation.
Thus prompted, ideas for imaginative send-offs flowed thick and fast. Bridget wanted a pub crawl for all her friends, followed by a short service at a harbour during which her body would be thrown into the sea. Peter wanted a funeral al fresco, preferably on a hillside, with a ragtime band playing his favourite melodies. Monica said she would like a 'Green' funeral, with her body buried in a biodegradable bag rather than a tree-wasting coffin. Christianne suggested that anyone with ideas of how they'd want their funeral to be conducted ought to write them down and leave them with a close family member. 'Families have enough to think about after a death without spending hours trying to imagine what the dead person would or wouldn't have wanted at their funeral.'
From an article by Joanna Moorhead, Weekend Guardian (Aug. 25th 1990).
Liz has gone further, and has taped her own funeral service in advance:
It wasn't until I found myself comparatively recently in the throes of emphysema and kidney failure (it chokes me to write the words) with a considerably shortened life expectancy that I had to look at my exit from this world and what I wanted for friends and loved ones.
It has been, and still is, a painful and saddening thought, but there is so much I have, and can still do. I have my will organised, my personal wealth (that's a laugh!) and treasured belongings all listed and named for the beneficiaries. As regards the funeral service I have chosen what means the most to me and I am sure in many ways my friends and those regular worshippers on a Sunday will no doubt raise an eyebrow. The easiest part was my choice of music: a recording of Lloyd-Webber's 'Pie Jesu' because the beauty of clarity and pureness exudes from this work and provides vital uplifting of the soul. Secondly, a hymn sung by the congregation 'Crimond - The Lord's My Shepherd'( hopefully with descant). As a finale, a recording of 'Now is the Hour' sung by the Maoris of New Zealand. I would like to share how these pieces in particular, and music in general, have often enabled me to transcend severe physical pain. Having made a positive decision on this and the readings I want I sat back - it was something else marked off the agenda.
Some time later whilst listening to music and in pain, I reflected again on those that I would leave behind. It eased the pain, my belief that this life is only a stage, a platform, and that each step takes us into a different realm, and from each of these, lessons are learnt in betterment of the soul and spirit. At this point it became of vital importance that I left messages of love and hope and thanks to those who had greatly influenced my life. For this, the obvious way was by incorporating into the service my own voice on tape, for however good, nobody can convey the uniqueness of the human voice, the intonation and inflection and the vocal mannerisms that we associate with a particular person. It was also important to me that my voice be known not clouded by analgesics - the clarity should be unmistakable, so that at my farewell my friends will experience the love and sincerity I feel for them. It will be a service of joy not sadness: after all, I will be hovering above and over-seeing all! God help them!
To end this letter, I recognise how painful saying goodbye will be, and many will find it hard - I can hear it now: 'Don't talk about it,' 'Some cure may be found,' or 'I don't want to hear.' I understand, I've used those words myself. My way, of speaking to everybody and to some personally, in my final farewell, and offering my favourite music, will perhaps ease the heartbreak and the tears and help my friends, who have known me in this life, to begin to see me as - I hope - a celestial being! Still Liz, saying, 'Talk to me - say goodbye now. I love you always. I'll be waiting to meet you again later on, and God bless you all.'
My tears have flowed in the writing of this as they have flowed in making the arrangements for my funeral and death.
From a letter to The Natural Death Centre.
Nevertheless, a simple note left with your will may be all you wish to leave to express your funeral wishes, or even to state that funeral arrangements are not important to you, that there is no 'right way'. Funeral arrangements are discussed in detail in two later chapters.
Some people choose to leave informal 'instructions' which go beyond funeral arrangements. When Stan Chisman learned that he had cancer, writes his wife Margaret,
His first thought was to draw up a 'Widow's Budget' to see if I would have to sell this house, but with economy and no really bad inflation we found it would be possible for me to continue to live here.
From 'Interim' by Margaret Chisman.
A will covers the legal allocation of your property and the legal guardianship of your children. A Living Will covers your wishes in case of debilitating, intractable illness. There is a wealth of other matters in which you might like a say, or to leave guidance for your family and friends:
Do you have an organ donor card? Does anybody know? (See the Good Funeral Guide chapter on how to offer your body after death.) By contrast, is the idea against your wishes?
Do you want to leave a message for your spouse, family or friends? Letting go of their loss will be a slow and painful process. Is there a simple way of telling them that it's O.K. to let go?
Are there any obvious conflicts which could be avoided? You will not be able to tell someone how much you love them, to forgive them, or let them know that in fact you weren't as angry with them as you made out. Are you willing to relax some of the views for which you are known after your death? Carrying on with life after losing someone is hard enough, without having to try not to step on their toes!
Can you make it easier for your partner or spouse eventually to move on to a new phase in their life, perhaps changing their job, interests, home or town? Do they know that you don't mind their eventually finding someone else, if that's the case? Compassion exercised from beyond the grave could be a last loving act which spares your circle of loved ones a great deal of distress.
Christianne Heal includes in her workshops exercises to help people focus on what they would want to say.
From an article by Joanna Moorhead, Weekend Guardian (Aug. 25th 1990).
If you are not someone's close friend or relative, there is a tendency to think that the dying or bereaved person is best looked after by that close network of support, and that it is best not to interfere. There is also perhaps even the fear of being 'landed' with someone else's grief. However, people in such circumstances can experience this as being ostracised. At the time when most they need to be connected to their community, they are hermetically sealed within a bubble of pain, along with the few friends who have the courage to step inside it with them. They may, of course, have chosen to isolate themselves. Either way, the gentle reassurance that you are still there, that you can tolerate their talking about their grief, even that you are not afraid of them, made through words or a gesture, will make a difference and gives them a choice. If you are stuck for words, would a hug not do?
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