It may seem odd or demeaning to negotiate an agreement - perhaps even to draw up a written contract - with a son or daughter. Yet such procedures can be extremely effective in easing interpersonal difficulties and disagreements. When making a contract, remember the following points:
(2) Pay attention to the details of the privileges and conditions both parties to the agreement expect to gain from it. (Parents may want their son to complete his homework and attend school regularly; he, on the other hand, desires more free time with his friends, or more pocket money.)
(3) Those actions chosen for the youngster to fulfil must be readily observable. (If the parents or teachers are unable to discern whether an obligation has been met, they cannot grant a privilege.) This requirement applies also to parents.
(4) The contract should impose sanctions for a failure to fulfil the agreement. Each party should know precisely what the penalties are for breaking the contract. The sanctions are agreed in advance, are decided by both sides and are applied consistently.
(5) There can be no arbitrary, unilateral tinkering with the terms of the contract after signing. (Changes must be negotiated and agreed to by both sides.)
(6) A contract can provide a bonus clause so that extra privileges, special activities, etc are available to both parties, for consistent performance over a long time.
(7) There should be a built-in scheme for monitoring the amount of positive reinforcement given and received. (The records are kept - a chart or notebook - to inform each participant of the progress, or lack of it, of the agreement.)
Mother and father would like Anne to:
(1) Let them know about her movements when she goes out at night; Anne will let them know about her movements when she goes out at night by: telling them where she is and with whom; letting them know when she'll be home.
(2) Be less moody; she won't go silent ('sulk') for hours on end when reprimanded or thwarted.
(3) Be more ready to say sorry; she will apologise when she's been in the wrong.
(4) Show more concern about her school work (eg homework); she will put in at least an hour per night.
(5) Stop being so rude to her father, eg walking out when he gives her advice.
Anne would like her mother and father to:
(1) Stop criticising her friends all the time; stop calling them names and saying they're no good, unless they are making a particular, constructive comment.
(2) Admit when they are in the wrong, ie they will apologise when they have been in the wrong in their confrontations with her.
(3) Give her more pocket money (a sum agreed) and to review the amount every six months in the light of the rising expense and changing nature of her commitments.
All agree:
(1) That the terms of the contract will not be changed except by mutual discussion and agreement.
(2) That disputes will be settled by the witness (grandmother), whom all accept to be objective and fair-minded.
(3) That successful execution of the contract for a month will be rewarded by a family treat (first month: an outing to a posh - named - restaurant).
(4) That failure to carry out individual terms of the contract will result in a fine on each occasion: an amount of X for Anne; and Y amount for Mr and Mrs Smith respectively. The money is to go in a 'penalty box' (kept by the grandmother), the proceeds of which will go to a charity of her choice.
Signed:
Anne
Mr Smith
Mrs Smith
Grandmother (Witness)