A family-arranged funeral - 'no stranger touched her'

Judith A Wilson

The idea came from my sister Jean who lives in Lincoln with her family. She had seen 'This Morning' on Breakfast TV and one of the items up for discussion was The Natural Death Centre. She was so impressed that she sent for The Natural Death Handbook and afterwards phoned me and my brother Gordon to say 'Get a book, it's a lovely idea'. So I did get it.

Mum lived in a residential home in Torquay. I also live in Torquay, in a small flat. Gordon and his family live in Worcester, so it was a case of keeping in touch by phone. Mum's health was fading and every day there was a deterioration. The arrangements had to be made.

Mum died on Monday 24th April 1995 at 12.45pm at the age of 90. Gordon and I were with her as she passed peacefully away in her sleep. We were prepared for her funeral, it went very well and I know she would have been proud of the way we came together in total unity to give her a gentle and loving send-off. No stranger touched her.

I have tried to set out a sequence of events. On the whole there were very few small problems, which we managed to overcome by going further afield - the Torbay funeral directors completely shut their doors, which of course made us more determined to succeed.

Following the suggestions in The Natural Death Handbook we advised the doctor and the crematorium that we were arranging our own funeral. The doctor's first words were 'Is it legal?'; he was soon put right. The crematorium was absolutely wonderful and gave us a lot of advice. It is a very busy crematorium so our main problem was storage. Torbay hospital and mortuary only cater for those who have died in hospital and for coroner's cases so we had no luck there. The funeral directors were most reluctant to hire out anything including their storage facilities or trolleys. Our last resort was to approach the matron of the residential home - she was wonderful and couldn't do enough for us. Mum could stay in her room. We were still apprehensive about the time factor and phoned around to find out about dry ice, eventually finding someone in Exeter who could sell some if the need arose.

The laying out

When the doctor had been to certify the death, he had the forms all prepared and contacted the second doctor required for cremation. After he had left, the matron, Gordon and I gently washed and changed mum and prepared her for her journey. We turned off all the heating, opened the window and had a rotating fan going night and day. On reflection it would have been better to have laid her on something cool, as if we had had to leave her any longer it would have required dry ice. We did have one panic when we unwrapped the bodybag that had been sent to us by a funeral director in Bolton - it was the wrong size. My fault, as I should have checked it on arrival. However one quick phone call ensured that we received the correct size the next day. We heaved a big sigh of relief.

The forms

The necessary paperwork which we obtained for the crematorium was amazingly easy. In fact, as far as administration goes there is nothing to it. We collected forms A, B and C from the crematorium which were self-explanatory and the crematorium staff helped to fill out the others required by themselves. Once the doctor signed the death certificate, it was then taken to the local Registry Office, where we obtained four copies in all. The cost of these was £2-50 each in this area. Forms B and C were all completed by the doctors and their fees paid; we took them back to the crematorium where they checked them over and everything was in order. They then invited us to view the chapel; the attendant was so helpful and gave us some good hints about carrying and lifting the coffin onto the rostrum as it was quite high. The service was arranged for Thursday 27th April at 9.30am. The rest of the day was already booked up, but, as it turned out, this was the best time as we were the first of the day and able to take our time.

The coffin

The coffin was made by a friend in another friend's garage with myself as the helping hand and designer. It was a first for everyone. After about a week's discussion we took the plunge and bought the wood. We over-estimated a lot on the materials and had stacks left but it won't go to waste. In some ways it was just as well as we had to cut another lid. We decided on plywood - it is a light wood. Mum, bless her, was a big lady, and we wanted something light and strong. We brought half inch for the base and quarter inch for the sides, ends and lid; with 2" by 2" to join the sides and ends to the base using one and a half inch screws. As her hips were quite large, the shape had to accommodate this.

Ornate beading was put along the sides, top and bottom (to take off the plainness) and up the joins at the top and bottom, (mostly to cover up the defects, but it had the desired effect). No handles were put on, but we did put a 'grip strip' of wood one inch by a quarter inch along the sides at the base for easy carrying - which worked quite well. It was then stained with mahogany wood stain and wax polished. We tested it for strength and also tried it in the estate car which was going to carry her to the crematorium.

We used broom handles for the coffin to glide into the car, advice gratefully received from the Natural Death Centre. An engraved brass plaque with her name, year of her birth and year of her death with the inscription 'With Love' was placed above a cross, which was made of the same beading round the coffin, but left unstained. A small cross was put at the foot end, basically for identification purposes. The brass plaque was later transferred to the box for her ashes by the crematorium staff at our request.

The ashes box

This was made by my brother-in-law Bob from pitch pine and lined with mahogany, brass hinges and brass clips on the front. It is now established as 'The Family Ashes' box - smaller plaques can be added to it and will be passed around the family as necessary. I collected Mum's ashes the day after the funeral from the crematorium.

The funeral

The funeral took place on Thursday 27th April at 9.30am

Gordon with his son Simon left at 7.55am for the Residential Home and, with the help of two male staff who knew her, lifted and placed Mum into her coffin. The estate car arrived at 9.00am and drove her to the crematorium. The rest of the family were already there in the waiting room. She was carried into the chapel by Gordon (her son), Simon, Anthony and Nicholas (her grandsons), and placed on the rostrum. I placed the flowers around her. The family and friends then took their places in the chapel. The service was conducted by Bob, her son-in-law, who is a lay preacher. It was a lovely service with one hymn and an address. After the funeral we gave the flowers to the matron of the residential home, with our love. They had been marvellous with her. The family all gathered for coffee and biscuits at a designated venue and for 'a chat'. Some of us had not seen each other for years.

My brother and sister (who has been my support throughout) and I have all gained 'something wonderful' from this experience. It is difficult for me to put it into words but it will be with me always. As my brother said when we were gently preparing her, 'it seems the right thing to do', and I shall never forget it.

I hope this will help a lot of people who want to do their own funerals. I for one have no regrets. It is a subject that should be discussed. Just as we prepare for a birth, a christening, a wedding or a confirmation, so should we prepare for a burial. Society seems reluctant to discuss the financial side of things, but it is no disrespect to the departed to talk about it. I have listed below a break-down of the cost. We did overspend on the coffin but that was personal choice with a big bit of ignorance thrown in. It turned out great in the end, but could be made a lot more cheaply.

Death certificate + 3 copies £11

Doctor's fees £64

Body Bag £15

Brass plaque and engraving £20

Wood and materials - well over-estimated £205

Organist £15

Crematorium and hire of organ £157

TOTAL COST £486

Wood and materials included glue, screws, broom handles, stains, wax and rope for handles which we did not use. (The beading was very expensive and cost about £35); plus a shroud and a blanket.

As a result of this experience, Judith Wilson and her family in Torbay are setting up an organisation called PPersonal Undertakings to help make coffins for other people and to provide advice for 'd-i-y' families.

Personal Undertakings, c/o Judith Wilson, Flat 2, 4 St James Road, Torquay, Devon TQ1 4AZ (tel 01803 325702 or 615081; mobile 0831 12588).

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