How to be irresistible to the opposite sex

Marie Papillon's 'A Million and One Love Strategies (How to be Irresistible to the Opposite sex)' is not for the faint hearted. Sired by Charles Atlas out of Barbara Cartland, it is a relentless catalogue of tips on how to find a 'love partner' and then keep them happy (if you don't want to trade them in for an alternative model next month). It will take any eight stone 'love weakling' and turn them into superbly muscled, accomplished flirts who are irrresistibly desirable. Couple this with a format that strangely combines the schema of a spare parts catalogue (Suggestion 587; 'Make having fun a priority', Suggestion 785: 'Cultivate a sultry, low voice') with the no-nonsense directiveness of a drill sergeant ('Real men shave, even on weekends' or 'Keep your hair shiny, soft and touchable') and wrap in a syrupy style lavished with heart symbols and exclamation marks ... I found it virtually unreadable cover to cover but it's a handbook that is designed to be dipped into rather than read straight through.

The book contains Love Strategies for Meeting Your Perfect Match, for Becoming an Irresistible Flirt, for a Terrific Relationship and for Keeping Passion in a Romance. Marie does come up with some amusing ways of meeting 'love partners'. 'Conversation pieces' to attract other singles include setting up a telescope in the park, sticking a 'fuchia bandage' on your dog's tail and (for a man) taking up knitting in public. And remember, guys, if you want to meet lots of potential 'love partners' - join a class for aerobics, cookery, flower arranging, massage, sewing or interior decorating, and gals - join a class for car maintenance, judo, kung fu or karate and go parachuting, flying, water-skiing, scuba diving and mountain climbing

The latter sections on sustaining romance in a relationship vary from the cringe-making 'Write a cheque for one million kisses made out to "the love of my life" ' to the impossibly expensive 'Pressed for time? Charter a luxury yacht for the weekend' via the occasionally original: you can, for US$70 have a star 'named' after your lover, although the scientific community may not take much notice ('The International Star Registry' will keep the name - and your money - in their bank: Lot 7 Jalan Pelabar (23/1) Seksyan 23, 40000 Shah Alam, Selangor Darul Ehgan, Malaysia) or for $140 US you can have a binary sytem named after the pair of you. There's also an uninformative section on Flirting Around the World. Under UK we read: 'Flirting is popular in Britain and you can find a lot of appropriate places to flirt. You might try your most sophisticated flirtations at the Executive Club, an elite social agency that organises upwardly mobile "yuppie" events for its clientele.'

It's easy to mock this book, it's such an easy target, but if you take most of it with a large pinch of salt, you could have fun trying out some of the suggestions. Here are a couple more of its ideas to end with:

'You can talk about lots of interesting facts and trivia if you read magazines such as Readers Digest and Private Eye [Ed: and Social Inventions].'

'Draw up a gift certificate for the love of your life in exchange for which you will: