I don't know if I am the only one in the world with this
problem but it feels like it!
I am 31 years old and married. Until now I have been content
with my nice comfortable life. My husband and I decided to
start a family and have been trying. Suddenly I don't think
I want to have children, in fact all I want to do is
travel! I am facing a decision between my husband and having
a baby versus travel.
Has anyone else had to make this hard decision?
It seems like I am going against society's values by not
wanting children. My husband desperately wants them and I am
stuck...
[There are 22 posts - the latest was added on Fri 14 May, 23:49]
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Why can't you do both? Put off children for a year and go
travelling? Take your husband or leave him at home to
sweat. I can't really see what your dilemma is, but there
may be something you didn't tell us. Have your cake and eat
it.
Why not have kids AND travel. Plenty of people travel with
kids, even backpacking, and it is a wonderful learning
experience for children. Read the "kids to go" section on
the Thorn Tree and you'll meet many people who love to
travel with their kids. Otherwise, maybe your desire to
travel means you want to break away from the norm and
life's boring daily routine ...
you don't want to do. If you don't feel ready for children
at the moment you shouldn't do it and your husband should
accept that. Why don't you go travelling for 6 months or a
year and see how you feel afterwards.
Sod Society, you must live your life how you want not how
you think other people want you to live it. It is a hard
one and my thoughts go out to you, I haven't been there
myself so I can't give you a personal experience only a
personal veiw. I don't know how things are with your
husband but you really have got to talk to him. The urge to
travel if it is like anyone else's I know doesn't go away
once it takes hold. It's not as if you have to leave him, if
he is as loving as you say he should be able to see that it
will only do your relationship harm to try and hold you
back, not to mention the affect on children. My mother
wanted to go places and ended up staying put and having two
children instead. She never blamed us directly but we grew
up feeling she did, even now 28 years later when I told her
I was off round the world the instant comment I got was "at
least you have the chance." Please bear this in mind when
you do decide but if you are not 100%sure you want children
now don't do it.
Your husband is another matter, he may want to try it
himself for one last independant act before you have kids,
he may accept your need and wish you well for 6 mths, then
again he could become selfish and difficult in which case I
would say that is one less reason to stay.
Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
Please DON'T have children if don't want to, even if you
think you might lose your husband because of this. You will
end up like Shazzma's mum who sounds quite bitter (hope I
haven't misinterpreted this situation and offended
anybody). We are the first generation which has really had
the choice about whether we have kids or not, and those of
us who don't want them owe it to ourselves and fellow child-
free wannabes not to be pressured into it.
Having said that, you're young enough to put off having
kids for a few years if you think you might change your
mind. I would take advice #1. Go travelling now - if your
husband will go with you, great, otherwise that's his
problem. I know couples who've done this, and they have
either got the travel bug out of their system and settled
down afterwards to reproduce, or it has made them realise
that they never want to settle into family life and they
are happier with themselves having made that decision.
...at why the travel bug suddenly became so imperative. This is obviously a wake-up call that, for whatever reasons, you're not ready yet for kids. (Be thankful you realized now and not when you're six months pregnant or something)
I agree that you need to have a long talk with your husband, and that you should do some travelling now and then see how you feel.
I also agree that having children and travelling are certainly NOT mutually exclusive....read the 'kids' LP section and have your husband look at it too!
and get it out of your system. You only live once.
this does not have to be a decision between (a) travel and
no husband or kids, (b) family & comfy home life but no
travel. figure out what you really want, and then i'm sure
you can figure out how to get it. good luck!
I was in your exact situation two years ago . . . accept a 6
month fellowship to live/travel in Russia or stay home (US)
with husband turning 40 (I was 31) who wanted children NOW
and did not understand my need to pursue this amazing
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I learned a lot about the
relationship when he refused to accomodate my needs and be
patient. Sometimes babies and travel are not possible
together -- especially if you have a career or a husband
unwilling to do it.
Two years later, I am thrilled with my life. Russia was
AMAZING. Contacts made there have afforded me many amazing
world-wide travel opportunities. I got a wonderful new job
in a different city. He is making babies with the woman who
he turned to for "comfort" when I "deserted" him. I am so
grateful that I do not have this selfish and weak
man's child.
Do your child a favor and do not become pregnant until you
are totally committed to sharing and caring for your child.
Thank you for being so brave to ask such a question.
I am wondering how many 'mothers' responded to this posting.
So I'll add one 'mom's point of view:
Mothering will take every inner resource that you have and
some that you never dreamed you had. Please wait until you
are ready to take that plunge.
Life with kids always seems to be an adventure. Never
really knowing what is around the next corner. Trying to
be prepared and always surprised. Just like travel.
Travelling around camping with three kids when they were
young was fun.
You get to experience childhood travel experiences all over
again through their eyes. Now travelling internationally
with them as teens, I get a second time to blast out into
the world. Soon they're OFF on their own!
It just keeps on being amazing! mom
I am a single Mom. Bear in mind that even if you don't
intend it, you MIGHT be one someday, too! I agree with
everything the above poster said, with an emphasis on inner
resources, financial resources, and exhaustion. I am madly
in love with my daughter all the time - AND there are days
when I just can't wait for her to be out on her own so I can
"get on with my life". I don't begrudge her anything, nor
am I bitter. I experienced international travel/living/
working as a Peace Corps volunteer before I was a Mom, and
now that my daughter is 16 am hoping to go out again. It's
hard for me to find the $$ to take both of us, so I'm
selfishly looking for ways to go myself, while keeping up
with my "Mom" responsibilities to her.
Anyway - if you feel like travelling, at least get an
experience or two under your belt before the kids.
Travelling with kids is easier than you probably imagine,
but doing ANYTHING with kids is harder than you can imagine.
Don't allow anything outside of yourself to limit you unless
you can know you made the decision of your own free will.
I have hummed & hawed for the past five years about wanting
to travel. Rather than taking trips, I dated guys, looking
for a compatible one to marry & settle down with. I kept
waiting for the right one to come along. However, now I'm
34 and I've just gotten sick of waiting for the right one!
I haven't been living my dream - to do what I've always
wanted to do so, I decided to forget the whole dating thing
and live my dream - I'm leaving in September for a year long
solo RTW trip.
.
I hear my biological clock ticking - it's a little bit
louder than yours but, I figure I still have a few years
left to have the children that I do want. I do not want to
burden my children the way that Shazzma's mother did. A
parent is a role model in so many ways to their children.
If you don't do what you really want to do, what kind of
message are you sending along to your kids? And, don't
pretend that you can hide it because kids are SO perceptive.
.
I decided that it was very important to me to be able to
show my future children that I could live my dreams, that I
was brave and had courage, that I could stretch my arms open
wide, love the world -- live life to the fullest. I vowed
that I would give my kids a sense of wonder & awe about the
world & about my own power in it--something my own mother
could not give me.
.
I agree that this is a wake up call for you. If your
husband really loves you, he will understand and WANT you to
live your dream. In my view, a truly complete relationship
is one where two people do their best to help each other
along their own paths - as a couple and as two individuals.
If he is not willing to do this, then you may have to make a
very hard and painful choice.
.
Also, I don't recommend having a child right now. Your post
implies that this is something you want to do for yourself -
not with a baby on your back. While I applaud those women
who travel with their children (it is how I would raise mine
too!), it doesn't sound to me like you're quite there yet.
.
Please take heart, you are still young, 6 months to 1 year
of travelling may be what you need to 'temporarily' cure you
- to get you to the point where you are ready to have a baby
which you then can take on your next trip!
In response to M's message above - you sound exactly like
me! I am 34yrs old also, and have been putting my life on
hold, hoping to meet the right guy and get married and so
on. I dated a guy for 13yrs and was supposed to marry 2yrs
ago, and 2 days before the wedding, I called it off (for
many reasons). For the past 2 years, I've been trying to
sort through the aftermath of that, and trying to find
another man to cling onto. Lately, I've started to realize
that I really don't need to get married and have a child.
In fact, I'm not even sure that that is what I want
anymore. This summer, I'm taking 3 months off to travel,
and I am thinking of a RTW trip in the next year or two.
Life is too short to waste a moment waiting around for
things you don't have, or to do things that you really
don't want to do. CJ - Best of luck with your decisions.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take
some time to travel and think about what you want in life.
Having children one of life's biggest commitments.
Cheers,
K
I am 35 and single. All of my friends are now married with
2.5 kids and a mortagage. The biggest excitement they have
these days, is going to the pub and remorising about the
good old days. I like to get married, but the older I get,
the less I want to be a father. When I told a mates wife
that I wasn't keen on having kids, because I would have to
give away the good life, she got shitty with me and called
me selfish. There's alot of people out there, who still
think that the aim of life, is to get married, buy a house,
have 2.5 kids and spend the rest of their life doing some
boring job, until they croak or retire. When I go around to
mates places, I am supposed to goo and gaa, over the fact
that little Johnny is starting to crawl, or he has taken a
dump by himself for the first time! I mentioned to some of
my friends recently, that I was planning a trip to Cambodia
& Thailand and all I got was confused looks and they
changed the subject. I used to have some really good
friends, but I am rapidly losing contact with them as their
families demand so much of their time. If I ever get
married, the decision to have children will be up to my
wife. I would try to be supportive and a good father, but
at this stage my heart isn't really in it.
Please, please talk this over and over and over with your
husband. Make sure he understands thoroughly. When you're
married, it's no longer "my problem" and "your problem".
If your marriage is to last, it must be "our problem." If
he has a hard time seeing your point, don't write him off
and go do your own thing--working through this together
will create a bond you never imagined.
'Child-free' above is incorrect in saying that this is the
first generation to be faced with this choice. I am now a
grandmother and, although I already had a child, I had the
same longing to see the world in the sixties. So I took my
seven year old daughter travelling (as did many others). I
was married, but luckily to an understanding man, who
believed in the freedom of the individual. I had good and
bad experiences during the two years I was away. My
daughter went to local schools in the countries we visited
and became a linguist as a result. Neither of us has ever
regretted those journeys. Yes, the marriage did continue
for twenty-five years. And I still travel regularly -
white water rafting in Oz; rough camping in Africa; tall
ship sailing in Fiji - thirty-five years later. So go for
it!! You only get one life.
...Be honest to both yourself and your husband. Evaluate your own priorities, and don't even work him into the equation. Then explain honestly what you really want. His love for you will bring him over to your side. Don't be afraid to change your mind, and be up front about it when you do. But most important of all, never feel ashamed or guilty about what you are feeling inside, nor about doing anything in accordance with your own needs as a woman. He does not own you, but rather, has agreed to a partnership with you. This works best if you get your way on things really important toyou, and he gets his wayon things really important to him. To which of you is this child issue the most important?
Wow, this really struck a chord! Glad I'm not the only one
who doesn't want the conversation to revolve around nappy
rash and breast pumps! Sounds like you need some new mates
- there are people like you out there you know; happy
hunting.
I'm with Katy. We had babies AND travelled. Its HARD work
but fun too. Lots of parents get bored with nappy rash
conversations too. A relationship should allow for the
individual to follow their dreams as well as support each
other. I spent 5 weeks cycling in England and France last
year on my own. My husband hates riding a bike. He took the
kids to visit relatives in outback Queensland.Funny though,
how many people commented how 'good' he was for doing that
but say nothing when I'm left with the kids when he's away.
Greetings CJ:
At 35 (No, I won't say how long ago that was:) I got that
wanderlust -- and I heartily believe the early to
mid-thirties are times of a desire for change in most women,
but that until very recent 'herstory', we were led to
believe only men have an age of 'craziness.'
I have a soulmate and have been married to him since I was a
teen. When this thing hit me, I packed up what I would need
and moved to my favorite city on earth for 6 months. This
was no easy task as we have 6 children and at the time, all
were still at home. So we two worked it out and had the kids
living back and forth between us. As we were loving and
united in the decision to do it, it ended up being a great
time of growth and exploration for all, and it extended to
14 months. Each time we got together during that time it was
like a second honeymoon, and a third, and a fourth, and...:)
Would I have done it if he had not been so willing? In a hot
minute. Would I have had we had no children? Again, yes. Is
it an egocentric attitude? Of course! But I had the very
real recognition that staying in one place when I had such a
strong desire to explore meant that I wasn't really there at
all and that our relationship was ultimately going to
suffer.
Since that time I have also gone to Europe for a two month
stint and I plan to go again this summer for 3 months. My
marriage is probably older than you are and it's better
every day. But each time, I have gone with the knowledge
that one of two things will happen -- either the marriage
will unravel or it will become stronger. To me, the risks
have been worth it and my gamble, so far, still pays off.
Is the risk worth it to you?
Consider the possibilities:
(1)BOTH of you travel -- NO job is such that it can't be
replaced.
(2)Talk to him about you travelling alone for 2 month stints
with the idea that you will settle in a year or so (women
have babies in their 40s and never has then been a safer
time to do it).
(3) If inclined, have a baby and and travel with her/him.
(This wouldn't be my choice, but I've seen others do it
quite successfully).
(4) Plan to do some mini-travels and see if they cure your
wanderlust. Once a month for 2 to 4 days, go somewhere
you've never been. Check the Sunday papers for 'great deals'
for the next months' trip. Or get on a train or bus and get
off somewhere interesting and explore for a few days.
(5) If you do end up travelling separately and you want your
relationship to work -- allow him the same freedoms to
explore as you allow yourself. In fact, ENCOURAGE him to --
he'll love you for it if you can get him used to the idea.
As a final note, read your own words again: "Suddenly I
don't think I want to have children..." Put off having
children for now, whether you travel or not! We all have
some butterflies about parenthood -- listen to your
feelings! Your biological clock is still quite young and,
according to your own words, there's an alarm going off.
All the best to you and to him. This *can* be the more
rewarding time in your life, AND in your relationship.
I met a wonderful man in my home country and then got the
travel bug...
*
He had spent so much of his childhood on the road that he
saw it as a big, traumatic thing - all leaving friendships
behind and having no control. Now he finally had a nest of
his own, he didn't want to leave it.
*
Understanding this attitude it was easy to come to a
compromise - we are living and working overseas, and
travelling in our holidays. This way, because we still
have a home base, he is nesting anew, and yet we still go
off on big adventures we both enjoy.
*
My worry now is if I will ever get him home again!!
*
But it all required true honesty and compromise. For
example, the only way he could work in our new country was
if we were married... so that life step came earlier than I
had expected. Children are a long way in the offing, and
now our debates are about where in the world to have them.
*
I am sure you and your husband thought a lot before
deciding to start trying for children. Your turn of heart
is not a problem I'm sure, but it does mean that your
husband will be confused if you don't do a lot of talking
again.
*
Good luck