I am getting married in September and am now faced with the
issue of changing my name to my husbands. I would rather
not have to change my last name as it has been who I am for
the last 30something years. My future husband is furious
about this. He thinks that I am being very difficult and
just trying to stir the pot about this whole thing. I
tried to explain to him how I felt about my identity;
asking how he would feel if he had to take my name (which
he didn't like). Socially, people can call us by his name
and the children would have his surname. Professionally I
want to keep my name. Has anyone been through this? What
ended up happening?
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Canucklehead...ouch!!
Sound as though you do need some support for a very real
concern.
Changing your name in mid career causes all sorts of
avoidable problems.
Just when you think you have made all the changes, credit
cards, banks, licences etc.etc. another one will pop up.
That is only the beginning.. then there is the whole
network of all your business, work, social contacts...and
we are way past the time when people on hearing that you
are married will assume a name change.
All of that and on top of it the fact that you are clearly
attached to your present name as an identity.
As you have already agreed that children will carry your
husbands surname they will have more in common with their
multicultural classmates...I am surmising that you are
canadian...where there are as many customs for names as
their are cultures.
Your husband to be will need a lot of support to feel non
threatned by your decision to retain your name. be sure to
sort it out before you marry.
Do not use it as part of your argument , but lifelong
unions are no longer the norm and changing things again is
not coonvenient either.
Most importantly it must be your decision. good luck
It's your name; keep it if you want. I know I would, and
several of my friends have done so and it's been fine once
their husbands (and more often, their husbands' families)
have got used to it.
I also know women who did change their name and now regret
it.
It was never an option for me, and it has been fine with my
husband. However, many people assumed that I had changed my
name and so we still (almost two years later!) get lots of
things addressed to Mr. and Mrs.... People have gradually
gotten the idea, though. My in-laws, however, still seem to
think I changed it (or maybe they think I should have!).
I just don't worry about it and let them address things
however they like. It is much easier not to change, no need
to change any ID, etc. Hopefully after getting used to the
idea, your husband will be OK with it.
Are you still living in the bountiful lands of Uncle Sam ?
I just called the government (your plight tickled my
curiosity) and in QuΘbec, women are now REQUIRED to keep
their own names ! It varies in other provinces: Ontario
still allows new brides the choice. So maybe it would
help to tell your hubby that keeping your own name is a
matter of law: you'd have to revert to your maiden name
anyway if you ever came back to live in parts of Canada.
*
In any event, your name is your own - why should a name
change (or even a marriage !) be required to prove your love
to him ? I've been with my girlfriend over 8 years now -
we don't plan on ever marrying, our first child is due end
of August and everyone (family and friends included) feels
fine about it ! I wish you and hubby-to-be all the best !!!
Why change your name?
I married a spanish man and kept my own name in addition to
gaining his. The norm is to take the husbands name in
addition to your own name...example your last name is jones
and his is smith, you become smith jones. In their culture
the husbands name is taken before the married name. This
way you satisfy all parties and can legally use both last
names or just your own. I too wanted to keep my name for
professional reasons but also wanted to satisfy him by
taking his name. I live in british columbia and no name
change is required.
Hope this helps
Bear in mind that you received your name from your father (most likely). And your father's name was foisted off on him at birth as well. Rarely do folks choose their own names.
And Francois, I live in the old bomb-o-rama USA (stupid peasants with TVs) but locked within San Francisco (with its self-congratulatory liberal attitudes) and most of my married cohorts have kept her original name (ooh, that grammar is weird). I wish other women felt as comfortable at society's blinking. And, congrats on your August nugget-to-be!
Yes, make your name your choice.
I got married last September and I too had to make this
important decision. Things were easy for me as my husband
didn't really mind either way, and as was going through an
entire career change at the same time it was quite nice to
have a new career and a new name. So, yes I did take his
name and have had no regrets since. The legal stuff is a
bit of a hassle, but nothing major. Just look at yourself
with both names, decide which one you like best, make the
decision and stick to it otherwise you'll always
wonder "what if ..." It is also a lot more complicated if
you decide to change your name to his after all later...
if I kept my name or not, however I was too lazy to actually
do anything about changing my name. My husband is Japanese
and we were married in japan. As far as anything legal
goes, I don't even exist in the family registar, due to
non-citizen status. So i never thought before a woman had
to DO something to change her name to the husbands, I guess
I thought it was automatic. Anyway, I figure, who cares? I
use his name for our son's school, my own for anything
legal, and aliases when I do anything unsavory. I never
ment to be a rebel, or what not. (however, I did make sure
my children have both our last names in their passports,
Just in case>)
Francois' angle sounds great. For me it was never an issue. Ipreferred to keep my father's name than take my husband's, and that is the normamongst my peer group.
For our child we followed the Smith Jones example, so he carries both our names Ben Smith Jones. In legal forms his surname is in full Smith Jones (not hyphenated). He can do what he likes with it when he's older, but it is the normal thing for him....he assumes everyone has mum's and dad's surnames! Rude shock coming!
It would be such a hassle to change names. All those forms.
Note that probably the very first thing you do as a married person is sign the registry - in your own name! In Austrralia no other name than the one on your birth certificate is legal, unless you actively go about changing it by common usage, hence the number of forms you have to fill out to notify change of name. It would be an enormous bore.
If we are out together and someone comments that we have different names, my husband says : "Yes, I decided not to change my name!" The absurdity of it makes people realise the absurdity of the reverse situation.
Good luck with your prosepective husband!
I was thinking about the smith jones thing but my last name
is similar to a popular fast food chain and his last name
is a popular asian diet staple. So when put together it
sounds like I'm ordering something from the drive thru.
Also I am the one who holds us up financially. Credit wise
that is. So I am worried that if I take his name I will be
taking his credit rating as well.
Dear Canucklehead,
I'm Canadian too! When I got married I just added my
hubbie's name onto my own, so I basically have two last
names! (Which is okay, because as you can see my first name
is short!)
-
I was young when my mom remarried but I kept my last name,
ie not my stepdads. And I spent my whole life explaining
why my last name was different from my mom, my stepdad, and
my stepsiblings - who I called brother and sister.
-
So when I got married, it was nice to feel I 'belonged' to
a family, instead of having 'my own name'
-
Having two last names is great - old friends can find me,
new friends know who I am, it reveals my heritage & my
husband's, and everyone's happy, especially me.
-
Plus any future children won't have to explain why their
mom's name is different from theirs.
Good luck!
i am not married, but i have considered what i would do about
my surname if ever i marry. the choices boil down to:
1.) i take the guy's name;
2.) i keep my good old tried-and-true name;
3.) the guy changes his surname to mine;
4.) i change my surname to his, and he changes his surname to
mine (an even swap);
5.) together we pick out a NEW surname and we both change our
surnames to that name. my current BF likes this idea, & the
name we joke about is "garbage." "Mr. and Mrs. Garbage" has
a pretty nifty ring to it.... "Hello, this is Jane Garbage
returning your call...." thus far, #5 is my favorite option.
has your H2B explained why this is so important to him? i
want to be fair to him, but it sounds to me like HE is just
trying to stir the pot. if he's not willing to change his
name to yours, then i don't think he should expect you to
change your name to his. i like sally's husband's reply, too
(that no, he didn't change his name)!
Sounds to me as though you should take another look at this
man you're thinking of marrying. A) You're supporting both
of you financially (a bad move in the long term, as the guy
always finishes up treating the woman in such situations
with contempt) and B)He's throwing his weight around over
what you choose to call yourself - And you're not even
married to him yet! What's really in all this for YOU -
apart from the fact that you fancy him rotten, which isn't
enough to make a marriage work. Think about it and hang on
to your identity. Macha
...my boy gladly took my name. He even suggested it.
if he cant understand your feelings, if he cant put himself
in your shoes, you may have a bigger empathy problem down
the line.
when you have those children and you ask him to watch the
kids, is he going to say YOU should because its "expected"
or "traditional"?
after all if you hold up the financial picture, are YOU
quitting to watch the kids? sounds like its going to be HIS
job.
sounds like he has a bigger problem.
is to apologize to you guy for being selfish and unaccomendating. You are to be very humble in your manner and offer to massage him after a nice home cook dinner and a good shag, then maybe he will forgive you and not seek another woman.
But seriously, I think he is an inconsiderate asshole who belong with the other cave man. Post #14 &15 has merit & if he won't change his name, tell him to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut. By the way, I'm a guy
I hadn't even thought of that one but it makes sense... as
long as both names aren't too long or don't sound too weird
together, as in Canucklehead's case ! My other concern is
better explained through an example:
*
Andrea Benson marries Charles Dickens and starts using the
last name "Benson-Dickens". They have two kids, Evan and
Felicity. When Evan Benson-Dickens starts dating, what
happens if he wishes to marry (and have kids with) Georgia
Hubbell-Ingstrom ? Will their first child be named Julian
Benson-Dickens-Hubbell-Ingstrom ? Just imagine the fun
when little Julian will decides to get married to Katarina
Little-Morten-Novak-Osbourne ! etc.. etc.. It seems to me
that whatever choice is made about the bride's name and the
children's name, explanations will be required later !
Francois, I wonder if that really happens. I'm sure people
come across that. I would insist that the children use his
surname. As I stated I have no problem to use his name
socially (Xmas cards, introductions). I have just gone
thru so much hassle relocating to the US with legal papers
that it would be a nightmare to turn around and change
everything in a few months. As far as the financial side,
he makes more money than me but screwed up his credit
rating when he was younger. That is why everything is in
my name.
He admits to feeling that his self esteem as a man seems to
be challenged in this issue, and will try not to allow his
self pittying ways to get the best of him. Nice of him to
say but he still wants me to change my name.
We support each other in everything else. This will just
be a wound that will take a long time to heal and probably
leave a small scar on his ego
I took my husband's name in addition to my own. This made
things a lot easier at work, because I used both last names
for as long as it took for people to get used to the new
one. INCLUDING ME! I had a lot of phone calls and answered
with my name - let's say Mary Fisher - when I got married, I
was Mary Fisher Easton. I was so into answering the phone
with Mary Fisher, that the Easton could be a long time in
getting tagged on the end! Hehe!
Why I did this? Because my husband and I are a unit and I
like to show that through one name on the doorbell, signing
into hotels as Mr.&Mrs. etc. But one of my bigger concerns
was that I wanted our children to know they were part of a
family UNIT - THE Eastons. Yeah, they could have been the
Fisher-Eastons - but then you get the saga of Julian
Benson-Dickens-Hubbell-Ingstrom. I prefer not to leave the
name-difficulties up to my kids.
Hi
if your children were born in cuba , not perhaps a good
example to use as you are moving to us,they would carry
their father's surname followed by your surname and would
carry that surname for their lifetime. They would not need
a new birth certificate if they married or families changed
etc
My parents only had daughters and I didn't want the family
name to die out. When we got married, I said if I was
changing my name, my husband could too as I wanted any
future children to feel part of one unit. He had no
objections, so we joined our surnames together. Neither of
us had short surnames to begin with, but it has worked out
really well even though it has surprised a lot of people
that he was willing to change his name. Well, it's not
much help to you, but I do agree with the posts above that
say use both names at work, that way people can adjust and
you are not completely rejecting your husband's name.
Let's face it, maybe some people don't like the fact that
your husband is upset about your wishes, but the point is
you obviously care for him and don't want to upset him
either. As for the problem of long names for children, I
have spoken to a lot of people my age who were born with
double-barrelled names and they deal with it in much the
same way we do - with official things we use our full name,
but on some other occasions we shorten it - after a while
you don't even give it a second thought.
Re Smith jones comparison...the mother's name is dropped
when the child marries...only the father's name is carried
on. There are hyphens in the last name either. The
offspring only ever carry two last names...
Bottom line is, take whatever name (or none) that suits
your purpose.
Hi Canuck When I got married 'way long time ago in the dark
ages (41 yrs.), without thinking a woman changed to her
husband's name. I have 2 very modern daughters; 1 who is 40,
agitated things in high school when some courses she wanted
to take "were for boys only" (like auto mech. & metal shop),
started a NOW branch in a very traditional southern
university (she's from the North), and is now an Exec. Dir.
of a fairly large symphony orchestra. When she married 16
yrs ago she chose to change her name. My other dau. is just
a year younger, always planned (NOT dreamed) on being a
veterinarian. 12 years ago she grad. from Vet school and 8
years ago she married. Said she wouldn't change her name
because #1 it's hers, #2 all her certificates and licenses
would have to be changed, etc. Her husband had no problem
with this--I think he is very self-assured. When they had
their first child 6 yrs ago all the literature that was
mailed to them re. baby info came to Mr.& Mrs. her name. He
sniffed but made no big deal. Of course, his family
completly ignores the fact that she's a Doctor of Veterinary
Medicine and address all mail MR. & Mrs. his name. I wonder
if they would introduce him as Mr if he were the Doctor.
My grandkids use their father's family name. Now I don't
think your problem is whether or not to change your name. I
think your problem is your husband-to-be's attitude and fury
about the name change. What else is he or will he be
vehement about? Is religion a factor? It can be a very
sensitive subject. One of my daughter's friends was
desperate to marry, heard the bio-clock ticking and married
a guy who had once thought of becoming a priest. Oh yes,
she is an athiest. Many of her friends told her they would
work out their differences. Well, they have 2 kids, hell has
broken out in their house and the kids are paying. So, I
think it's a good idea to figure stuff out beforehand. Good
luck in what ever you choose.
I have been thinking the same! The problem is not what name
she takes, the problem is her fiancee's attitude toward it.
What else won't he accept her doing later on? What if she
does give in on this point? Will she forever be giving in? I
can't see where he has a say in what her name is, really -
but I CAN see where his attitude on this is a sign of things
to come.