It might soun stupid but I want your advice. My boyfriend is
from Saudi Arabia.He is great and want's me to marry
him.What if he gets again later after going back to his
country?
Is it true that they still have harems in Saudi Arabia?Any
idea how it is like to share one man.When they make love in
the harem,do they do it together or is one woman "done" at a
time?
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If you marry this guy beware that the laws are very strict
there. Women and children are *property* of the husband. He
may take a second and third wife. You will be primary wife
tho and expected to run the household, cooking, cleaning,
etc.. If you must marry him let it be on the condition that
you not have to Travel to his home country. Once you set
foot there as his wife you have no more rights.
The daughter of a close family friend had this happen to
her. She got out but she is always moving, so her husband
can't find her.
Well, I suppose we should not generalise too much and I
honestly hope your guy is genuine, but... Try to find a book
called "Not Without My Daughter" (sorry cannot remember the
author). It is a true story of an American woman who married
someone from SA. Love of her life until they moved to his
home country and everything became very nasty and she had to
escape with her child. They made a movie about it too,
starring Sally Field.
Here is what will happen if you ever go to Saudi Arabia. the posssport control officer will hand your stamped passport to YOUR HUSBAND, who will then put it in his family's safe-deposit box at a bank. You will never see it again until THEY are ready to take you on a trip somewhere.
be very careful. I too have very close friends who have
been in this situation. When you arrive in the Middle East,
the passport is handed over to the husband. You (and
any children) cannot travel outside of SA without his
permission.
Good luck...
I believe this post is from the same person stating they
are being forced to marry at 38 year old man that has two
wives already. Woman are much too caring. can't you see
it's a joke?
But can anyone confirm if there's still harems in ME? If
there is, then I want to defect.
Male
Don't know what to tell you but maybe you should also read
'Princess', 'Daughter of Arabia', 'Mirage' and 'Sold' -
they are all about the oppression of women in the Middle
East - you might be okay if you live in the US (or whatever
country it is you're from) but if you live in Saudi - you
will have no rights whatsever, you won't be allowed to
drive, or go anywhere by yourself, your husband keeps your
passport and you won't be allowed to leave the country
without his permission. He might be all western-minded and
open about everything now, but when he goes back to Saudi,
and he will have to live among his people, they are all the
same, it is all about 'saving face' and he will not put up
with his wife bringing shame to his family by not dressing
properly, being outspoken etc. etc. Don't do it.
Also, if you take a taxi by yourself anywhere, you could
get raped - which is why people have their own drivers.
And if you get raped - you will not get justice like you
would here, they might blame it on you.
My close friend was drowned in her family pool in SA by her
family because she brought dishonour to her family - she
spoke to a German male working out there in the streets.
I fled SA to the UK because my family wanted to marry me to
a man who was 40 years and already had 2 families
First I have to say Sobia I am so sorry about your friend,
but i am glad you got away to the UK and i wish you luck in
life. Second, Suzanne you should listen to Sobia because
she was there and knows the life, and even she had to get
away. The best thing to do is not go and keep out of harms
way. I am not saying your want to be husband his bad, but
he would want to live how society wants him to live in
order to save face. He could be a good husband or bad
husband,but i think it would be horrible to go to a country
where you would be trapped just to find out he was a bad
one. The choice is yours in the end and only you can decide
what is right for you. good luck.
You want a man that you might have to share? Enough to
stop me right there!
I would not do it, but it is your decision and your life....
His background will always follow him - as yours will follow
you. I think that you should be aware of the following:
In moslem countries, a man's father or grandfather often is
the deciding person. As a son's or grandson's wife, you
would have very little, if anything, to say. The lives of
men and women are very separate. In Saudi-Arabia in
particular, this is the case. In fact, you can not count on
ever even talking to a man who is not closely relatated to
you or your husband. You can not do anything but
pique-niquing and shopping together with your husband since
almost all other things to do are forbidden. The sexes are
even separated at parties, where there are often two doors -
one for men, and one for the fully-veiled women (you do not
even see their faces) and the little children of both sexes.
There are museum days for men and museum days for women - it
might be "family days" too. The families are often not as
separate as we are used to in the West. They can be
consisting of several generations, several brothers with
their wifes and children and several unmarried or divorced
aunts. This might mean company (persons that you are allowed
to meet and socialize with - at least the women) but also
the nuisance of sharing most of your (private) life with
somebody who most probably has different values, language,
religion.. from you.
In moslem countries, your rights are *very* different from
what you are used to in the US.
If a divorce would occur, your children would be their
father's children according to his religion. This means that
if they are out of the US in a moslem country, you might
never see or hear from them again since the custody is his
and only his. Also, he can divorce you - but not you him. He
decides if you are allowed to even leave the house or not -
not to mention leaving the country! As to money, do not
count on being allowed to work - or even finding a job
(which he must approve of too). According to the laws in
Saudi-Arabia, he only has to pay you for a three-month
period after a divorce (to ensure that you are not pregnant)
or a little longer if you are brest-feeding his child (which
would be in his custody automatically).
The dress code of Saudi-Arabia is strict. Everybody is
obliged by law to follow it. I personally find it difficult
to be veiled, especially the face.
If you would still consider marrying him, spend some hours
studying life books on Saudi-Arabia and the Arab world, and
books on the religion (Islam). Prepare to study the
language. Before marrying him, *even if you are going to
live in the Western world*, ensure that you have a marriage
contract (must be in Arabic, according to the moslem
religious law, sharia), and have it written as if the
marriage was to break down while you were living in his home
country having at least three children and no education!
Check what rights you can have in his homeland (varies
between different moslem countries/religious law schools).
If possible, state that you are to be only wife, or that you
shall be notified if he takes a second/third/fourth wife. Be
an expensive bride - the "bride money" is a sum which is
given from the groom to the bride (or her family) and stated
in the contract. Half is paid at the time of marriage, half
on his death or his divorcing the wife. If the wife wants to
divorce him and he agrees, the second half is not paid.
These sums vary with the fortune of the family, the country
and sometimes with the degree of religiousness of the
family. Be aware that other considerations than love and
children can keep a marriage together and the bride being
well-treated - such as the groom's family having business
with the bride's family, the groom being a cousin of the
bride's and so on. I assume that you would not be protected
by any such thing. State that your daughters should have a
saying in choosing a husband, that they shall go to school
(in Saudi-Arabia, they do not if the father does not want
them to), that you would be allowed to keep contact with
your children after a divorce, that you shall if possible be
allowed to leave the country on your own (be aware that this
does not include any children!!), that you shall be allowed
to study (you will probably need a thorough course in
Arabic...) and so on. Get hold of a sharia lawyer or other
competent scholar to do this - if your marriage would
collapse, that paper might be worth its weight in gold since
a Saudi court would not regard US laws as worth anything at
all, but they would have to pay some respect to a
"sharia-correct" contract. And if your children would be
out of the US, that paper might be your only chance to see
or hear from them again.
May God help you to take the right decision!
Kicki
Forgot the last questions....
In most countries, the man sharing his bed with more than
one women at the same time would be a reason to divorce him
- if you can prove it (there are very few such according to
sharia, and they are not valid in all sharia schols).
Each wife has her "day". But if you think that Western wifes
see little of their husbands, imagine how it would be to see
even less!
"Harem" is derived from the word meaning forbidden. It
refers to the fact that the women lived in a part of the
(often extended) family's home. This part was forbidden for
non-related males, in some cultures even the family men
(since they are mostly not allowed to see each others wives
unveiled) but can also refer to the private family part of
the home. This sectioning of the home can still often be
more or less used - it depends on the wealth of the family.
A rich family might have a private garden with a house for
each married male or a house for each wife and her
offspring, a not so wealthy family might have a room for
each woman, a poor family might have a room for the man and
the wife he is to spend that night with, and a room for the
other wifes and the children. It is easy to realize that in
the last case, it is difficult divide the home so strictly.
It might occur though (think of the bedou tents!)
In theory, all wifes should be kept at an equal standard,
and see equally much of their husband.
Good luck,
Kicki