I just told my best male friend that I'm in love with him
and while it feels like a huge relief to have it out in the
open (after 3 years), I also feel flat because I've just got
his "no way!" response!!! Yeah, he's surprised, was asking
me for a punchline and was calling me 'sis' etc etc. I feel
sooooo embarrassed and AWFUL. The thing is: what now? I want
to keep my distance but I don't want to completely stop the
friendship ... but now he's going to feel 'weird' etc etc.
Ugh! Has anyone out there been through a similar nightmare
and feel like passing on some wise or comforting words?
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Swap the genders, and we're in the same boat. Do you have
this sort of guilt gnawing away at you for putting your
gentleman friend into such an awkward position, sad girl? I
sometimes feel the same way for expressing my feelings in a
similar manner (i.e. blurted out) to a female friend. Until
then, she referred to me as the 'Big Brother I Should've
Had', but now she seems increasingly distant. Sometimes, I
know that only I am to blame.....
I guess this doesn't do anything to make you feel better.
Ooops
I understand what you're on about, but i've also been there
from the other point of view. One of my male friends
decided he was in love with me and that it was all my fault
that i didn't love him. Many guilt trips and bad times
followed because he really was a very good friend that i
didn't want to lose... when i eventually walked away it was
something i should have done ages ago. He hasn't spoken to
me since and blames me for the fact that his life is not
going well.
It really is hard if someone you're very fond of decides
they're in love with you because while you really care about
them you do have to try and keep the distance to avoid the
kind of bad time i had.
From it all i've discovered that harsh as it may be, love
isn't love unless it's reciprocated, up until that point
it's a crush, even though it doesn't feel like it. If they
don't love you, even though they're close friends, and
obviously know the really neat things about you that comes
with knowing you closely, then it just isn't going to
happen.
Try to walk away... there's not a lot else you can do. Find
some fantastic person who makes you laugh, and move on.
Good luck.
Thanks for your response, Interloper.
I guess I feel some guilt, yes, but the predominant feeling
at the moment (I only got his response about an hour ago) is
embarrassment and humiliation. I'm obviously thinking mainly
of myself at the moment - so I've got major guilt to look
forward to too, huh? Great! Your words "increasingly
distant" made me feel quite sad. This guy is so special to
me and I can't believe that I may have to live the rest of
my life without him! Ugh! But I have no regrets about my
confession because the whole thing was driving me insane and
I needed some peace of mind. At least now I can move on and
throw myself completely into other relationships without the
thought of "J" looming large! But I'm still very tender ....
ouch......
I understand what you're on about, but i've also been there
from the other point of view. One of my male friends
decided he was in love with me and that it was all my fault
that i didn't love him. Many guilt trips and bad times
followed because he really was a very good friend that i
didn't want to lose... when i eventually walked away it was
something i should have done ages ago. He hasn't spoken to
me since and blames me for the fact that his life is not
going well.
It really is hard if someone you're very fond of decides
they're in love with you because while you really care about
them you do have to try and keep the distance to avoid the
kind of bad time i had.
From it all i've discovered that harsh as it may be, love
isn't love unless it's reciprocated, up until that point
it's a crush, even though it doesn't feel like it. If they
don't love you, even though they're close friends, and
obviously know the really neat things about you that comes
with knowing you closely, then it just isn't going to
happen.
Try to walk away... there's not a lot else you can do. Find
some fantastic person who makes you laugh, and move on.
Good luck.
If you did it at night perhaps you had one to many. If it
was in the daytime perhaps you could try blaming it on the
flu tablets that you were taking...try laughing it off as a
joke. Slight chance it will work.
I don't think you should feel embarrased or guilty...you
spoke your peace, he responded - proceed like nothing big
happened. Most of all, dont stress out about it.
Perhaps you could apologize for putting him on the spot, and then be as casual as possible whenever you see him.
Pursuit is a distancing move when it's fueled by anxiety. The sooner you focus your intensity on the other relationships in your life, the less anxious you'll be about this one. The less anxious you are, the more comfortable he'll feel around you. When you start dating someone else, things might get back to normal.
Whatever you do, don't devalue yourself just because this one man doesn't want to sleep with you. Sexual chemistry is a mysterious thing. I can think of men with horrible characters that I found quite attractive.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation again, I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself, as hard as that is. If the sexual tension is there, he'll eventually act on it. Most men are not shy about that kind of thing.
Thankfully he lives in the USA and I'm in Australia (It's a
really long story!) so I don't have to see him around!
I did the 'declaration of lerve' via email because I knew
that if I called him I'd chicken out and I really wanted to
deal with this demon once an' for all! So, yes, his reply
was very brief and insensitive ("i'm waiting for the
punchline" ....) esp. considering how much courage it took
for me to confront him with the spicy bit of news! Horrible
boy!!! Thankyou to everyone who has responded! I think I'll
just have to walk away from the whole shemozzle (for now)
... I've got a feeling he's going to! Goddamn it!
He wasn't my absolute best friend, but I had been spending
load of time with this guy, Mike. He would pick me up and
we'd go to dinners and parties together and we'd also leave
together. It got to the point where everyone thought we
were dating because we were always seen coming and going at
the same time!
~
He was cute and I thought there was something more to
it...so one night I asked him what was going on with us
because I really liked him and everyone thought that we had
something going. Well, he said that there was nothing
happening and he wasn't interested. Boy, was I ever
embarrassed and humiliated. Things were absolutely never
the same afterwards and we drifted apart. I don't know
about him, but I felt uncomfortable thinking about that
night. Sorry this isn't more positive news, but know that
others have felt your pain and embarrassment. If this guy
is a good friend, even your best friend, it is important to
just get past it. Maybe give it some time.
~
Go vegetarian!
Ok, I had the same problem more or less:
fell in love with my best friend, then didn't tell her, then
decided it wouldn't work out because I thought she wouldn't
want to be boyfriend girlfriend with me.
So I thought better keep her as a friend than scare her away
and have nothing.
So I decided to fall out of love, and it worked.
(this was over the course of only 3 weeks, fell in love fast
and hard and unexpectedly after knowing her for years).
So after I fell out of love, I told her everything. and she
was a bit freaked and surprised, but since it was solved
already it wasn't a problem and we're still best friends
now(this was maybe 3 years ago)
I did the falling out of love bit like this: I put a BIG guy
(like the ones at the doors of discotheques) in front of a
door. (this is all in my imagination, right? bear with me..)
And behind this door would be my love-love-feelings for this
girl.(this is in a kindof landscape of my emotions). So
whenever I would feel them (the love-love feelings are
different from normal love-friend feelings), I would see in
my imagination this big big guy saying:no entrance here,
boy, and I would know it was better for me not to go in
there.
The big guy ended up staying there for about half a year,
telling me no, don't go in there, and then he faded away
because I didn't need him anymore.
A few times after all that she'd ask me if I still felt
something for here, and I could say in more-or-less truth
no, just friends.
Does this make any sense to you?
I'm just saying: you've probably spooked him a lot, and if
he doesnt want that kindof relationship, tell him "ok, give
me some time", and try to get over it however you can, and
you can be friends again.
hope it works out, good friends are worth a bit of effort to
keep.
Thanks for the two stories above - one sweet, one sour!
I guess it's too late for the latter suggestion, Peter, BUT
I did TRY to get over it. I considered him a case of
unrequited love (it'll never work etc) and so I just got on
with life and love (I've had other relationships in the
three years).
But the thoughts and love for him just would NOT go away. He
haunted me (so I dealt with it!). And recently he'd been
calling me for hour-long chats, on average three emails a
day, letters, yahoo-chatting; no amount of contact was
enough! He ran all his big decisions passed me first and I
really felt like I was in a long-distance relationship with
this guy!!! So really - if I was just a "friend" to him what
business did he have showering me with so much attention
that I didn't know whether I was coming or going! I wouldn't
have revealed myself if I didn't think he was at all keen
because I'm a goddamn chicken! Confused!
Oh, that's enough outa me - it's still so fresh and I'm
fragile today but I'll get over it! This is really knocked
me about but thankfully I'm very resiliant!
At least you were able to have spoken your mind, and
keeping your feelings towards him bottled up may have been
worse than not telling him at all. Sorry about sounding so
negative earlier- I'm (reluctantly) moving on with my own
life now...good to see you doing the same.
The VERY SAME THING happened to my friend and roomie, and I
saw it all! (And he was in the same city)But a little while
later, this completely fabulous guy, who she had known
slightly for years (always just hovering in the background)
made HIS move! Well, Mr. "I'm-just-your-friend-you-know"
was really shocked that she actually had got over him. She
married the Fabulous guy two years ago, and they are now
living happily ever after. Moral: There's a Jack for every
Jill, and someday your prince will come (but there might be
a few frogs first) Good luck and happy ending!
P.S. The BEST way to forget about it is to go on a kick ass
trip to somewhere foreign and fun, for a long time! You'll
meet so many people and have so many interesting
experiences, you'll hardly have a chance to drop a
(slightly gloating) postcard to whathisname. :)
I've been on the receiving end of a male friend's sudden
love interest a few times, and sorry to say that I lost the
friendships every time. I tried to be as gentle as I could
in my expression of not reciprocating the feelings, and said
how much I still wanted to be friends, but for some reason
the guys couldn't handle it (and we're the weaker sex?! :-)
) I've also been in the situation where I've had to tell a
male friend that I was in love with him, and he didn't feel
the same way. Scariest thing I've ever had to do, but like
you, I had to get it out in the open because it was driving
me crazy otherwise. So it can be tough on either end of
this situation.
First of all, congratulate yourself for your strength
and honesty -- you did the right thing in being honest and
open and now you know. Next, let him go. There's
nothing you can do to get him where you want him and you
need peace of mind. You've said your bit, done everything
you can, and if anything is meant to come of this situation
it will, and without your having to do anything more. A
wise person once said to me that it is difficult (almost
impossible) to maintain a friendship if one or both persons
wants more. If they come to a point where they can accept
just a friendship then that's a different story.
And I agree wholeheartedly with disney....let go, get out
there and see what the universe has in store for
you....there is a jack out there for every jill. And, a
kickass trip away is a fantastic idea -- that's what I did,
and it did wonders for me. The change in scenery would have
been enough, but I met a fantastic guy and we really hit it
off. Even though that one didn't last (long distance is
tough to maintain), he helped me get over my other love by
showing me that there's other fish in the sea!
Good luck, and don't be too hard on yourself, I think you're
doing great!
Thanks Interloper, disney and Addie for your responses. I
really appreciate the feedback! I'd love to go on a trip but
I just got back from one and have no holiday time left!
It was a great suggestion, though! Oh, I've received another
sensitive response from "J": it reads, "So is everything
back to normal?". Short and sweet! I am bewildered!!!!!! I
wonder if he really read my emails. Am I dealing with a
robot here?? I'm too speechless to respond at the moment!!
I feel like walkin' away from all this ........ 'these boots
are made for walkin' and that's just what they'll do....'!!
Grrrrrrr.
e-mail? My traumatic experience happened over the phone.
Well, I forgot to add re my similar experience, sad girl,
was that about a week after I made the announcement to HER
was I met a very cute and eccentric woman who was in a
similar situation. We hit it off very well, and just spent a
beautiful day together lying in the grass in a park talking
about what an irrational place the world is, and (not to
brag or gloat or anything) kissing. That's more or less when
I realized I could feel sorry for myself or (for lack of a
better term) 'get even' by not letting the whole thing eat
away at me forever {"Living well is the best revenge"}.
Interestingly, I hear from the eccentric girl far more often
than I hear from HER.
So he's wondering if things are "back to normal"?? I don't
find that bewildering...it sounds to me like he is only
interested in maintaining the status quo and not in
addressing your feelings for him. Let him go, and look at
it this way: It's his loss, not yours. Can't get away for
a trip? How about getting out with friends, taking up a new
activity (something you always wanted to do but never got
around to) -- I got involved in community theater, which is
alot of fun on stage or back stage, and a great social club
too. Take a course in something that has always interested
you. Get a new haircut/colour. Do what you need to do to
take care of yourself. Get out and have fun. Write letters
to him expressing all your feelings (love, anger,
disappointment, grief, etc.) and don't send them (I like
watching mine burn). It's a great release -- gets things
out of your head. Forgive him, know that it wasn't meant to
be, he's not worthy or ready or just not the one for you
after all. Who knows...maybe once you've released all your
feelings you can be friends again someday without
expectations of anything more. This too shall pass, sad
girl, -- there are many great things in life and wonderful
people out there, in no time you'll (re)discover them (and
vice versa!).
Thanks Interloper and Addie!! Can't tell you how much I
appreciate your comments. I finally heard from him and he
reeeeally wants to continue the friendship, but I'm going to
walk away (for a while)! It's the best thing for ME and my
MIND, and that's all I care about at the moment!!! Also, now
that I'm out of my fantasy world, I've realised a few things
about the 'friendship', like how one-sided it is ... and all
the rest (no need to elaborate). Anyway, so I'm walkin' away
and IT FEELS SOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. Seeya! :-)
Know what, all you above? Same thing happened to me just
last Friday, I got a "no way" from *him* which hurt sooooo
much!
I was at his place when he said this and I cried buckets,
until he started crying as well because he felt guilty.
Then I left, telling him that I'll work upon
staying/becoming again "just" friends, but that I needed
DISTANCE FOR A LONG MOMENT AND THAT HE PLS WOULD NOT PHONE
ME/ASK ME/SEE ME TO ASK HOW I AM, AS I FEEL HORRIBLE RIGHT
NOW!!!
I am glad that he respects this, so I can get away from
this. Reading about you all made me feel much better, so
Not-so-more-sad-girl, may I suggest that you ask "J." not
to bother you with 700 mails a day, so that you can take
your distance?? Besides, you are lucky with him being on
the other side of the earth, no? My "problem" is just some
streets away, that can be though, really!
Have luck and look at all the friendly guys still roaming
the Blue Planet!
CΘcile
I had a similar experience when one of my male friends
decided that he liked me, even though I had thrown many
hints his way that I liked him only as a friend. It was
very confusing and devestating for me for a week or so.
The worst thing was that when I attempted to speak with him
about it, he clammed up and wouldn't say a thing. I ended
up avoiding him for a week or so because I just needed some
time to deal with it. The next few weeks were
uncomfortable, for both us I am sure, but now it seems to
be fine. We still hang out all the time (this only
happened a month ago) as most of our friends are mutual,
but I don't really think he is completely over it. That
will take time too I guess.
The same thing happened to me a few years ago, ie. a male
friend declared his undying love for me. I felt so bad
about it, but didn't want to stop seeing him, so I made a
point of only seeing him when other friends were around for
the next few months, so things couldn't get too deep.
Gradually things settled down again, and he recently got
married to someone who is actually much nicer than me, and
more his type, and he invited me and my boyfriend to his
wedding. Yes, it does take time, but it can work if you
both want it to.
i had a very close friend declare love and give me regular
reports on his feelings and thoughts (he's in the military,
eh?) it was interesting, but as much as i tried to show
that i wasn't at all interested, he just got in deeper and
deeper.
after a few months, i moved across the world. then i found
out that he was planning to visit me. i sent him a pfo
letter, and he didn't talk to me for the rest of the summer.
then i sent him a technical question, and we started
talking again. i know he still likes me, but he also
learned to keep his mouth shut.
he's still one of my favourite people, and we're meeting in
vienna for a few days next month.
my take on your buddy is that he's not sure how to handle
things, and feels really uncomfortable. give yourself some
time away, and then gradually start talking again. you may
not have the same quality friendship, but on the other hand,
your actions may have encouraged him to be more honest, and
you to be more brave. (been there, done that, broke yer
heart, threw some duct tape on it and baby you're ready to
get out there again!)
and definitely; change your hair colour. nothing like
looking at a new face every morning to convince you that
you're a new person for this experience.
u know......its really good that you got it off your chest
ie at least u told him that u love him.....
love never goes waste...it teaches u to be stronger &
patient.....
if u love him enough then let him gfo ( of course u cant
hold him).......i mean dont cling to memories.....move on
girl ...move on....& u will find someone ....someday......:)
the hardest part is getting past the friendship into
relationship...and it's usually hardest with us thick
headed men :) if you can wake him up to the fact, neither
will regret...a best friend knows you best, and personally
thats the most important thing...don't let him tell you
different, ofcoarse i crossed that bridge with marylynn and
it failed...so you don't have to take my word for it sad
girl ;)
well... u did the right thing!.
it's good to here something like this anytime.
the same happened to me (i'm male - 23)
she was verry pretty and cool, but u know sometimes it just
doesn't work .. or wouldn't work.
and we still r very good friends.
I can ask her anytime 4 anything . and she as well.
so just don;t worry the life is what u think it is - so
just make fun and be normal - as a friend.
ciao bambina
vladi