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1994-10-14
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Begin1
Pintro- Pinion #1
Magik Elvis
68
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subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~
Issue # 1
---------------
Pinion Contents
---------------
1. Pinion Intro
1.1 What is/is not accepted
Pinion Intro
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Welcome to the intro of Pinion, a small 'zine type operation whos
main objective is to allow an output for the literary works of any one
wanting to have themselves published on however small a scale. Each
"issue" will just be a collection of works submitted to the main author.
The main author for Pinion, is myself, Magik Elvis (or Matt).
I can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem (8,N,1) at Neo-Graceland
(My Bulletin Board system).
The "members" of Pinion are irrevelvant - if you submit a piece of
work and it is approved (not hard) then you get the credit and a "hey!"
in the mag.
Works approved for publishing:
Fiction (short stories)
Poetry (prose, verse, anything)
Non-Fiction (a report on anything, a small article, journalism, etc)
Humor, Satire
Works NOT to be approved for publishing:
Bullshit (just to put "Pinion" in your signature", etc)
Non-fiction about irrevelant issues (the latest warez group warz, etc)
Can you handle it? Well, thats our intro. If you want to get the
updated versions of this 'zine, check local free speech, h/p/a type boards
for it. If you wish to become a Pinion distrobution site, please, inform me
and I will place your board at the end of each issue.
- Magik Elvis
Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem.
__________________________________________________________
\ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | /
\ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | /
-----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------
/ | | \
/ | "The harder you kick me, the bigger my toothless grin" | \
|________________________________________________________|
<EOF>
Begin2
Pinion #2
Cthulu
81
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subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~
Issue #2 - Are Men Better?
Writer : Cthulu
Are men better? The question which has plagued our greatest thinkers
since the dawn of "man"kind will now be resolved in this controversial essay
by the author of the exciting "Why Not to Drink" and "The Advantages and
Disadvantages of Being a Rutabaga", Prof. Cthulu.
Men are certainly better than some things, such as cough drops or pig
droppings. However, in this essay, I shall be comparing them to their most
frequent rivals, the females of the human race, women. Now, at first, one may
think that there can be no fair comparaison, that men are simply and
blatantly better. However, after some careful thinking and pondering, the
cons of being a man stack up and outweigh by far the pros.
For instance: males cannot bear children. While this could be viewed as
advantageous in the mobility department, the jealousy this creates in the male
psyche raises levels of stress, aggravation and agression significantly. In
fact, many of the problems stemming from the masculine gender are based on
excessive levels of agression, caused by frustration at our own ineptitude and
incompitance, combined by other factors, such as the inability to bear
children.
But what, you might ask, of men's superior logic? Their larger and more
muscular frames? Doesn't their higher alcohol tolerance count for anything?
Surely you jest by ranking the magnificent male sexual organs on a lower level
than the barely-functional female ones? And what about those cool beards they
can grow, huh?
Unfortunately, men's logic is often clouded by petty grudges,
childishness, and at best simply makes us less imaginative. Being big and
strong only perpetuates our childlike agressions, while our alcohol tolerance
counts for naught if we ignore and exceed it. And what, you say, of the penis?
Yea, even this final refuge of manhood shrinks under scrutiny as we grasp and
peer for a glimpse of the truth. Despite the myth and romance shadily
surrounding the legendary organ, it can quite simply be concluded that it just
plain gets in the way. Ask any male who rides horses, jumps hurdles, or simply
delivers speeches in front of crowds, and they will ashamedly attest to that
fact. And, while beards may look nice, in reality they provide an ideal
habitat for various species of parasites, who take every opportunity to move
in and create an infestation.
In conclusion, once one gets past the confusion and conspiracy, and the
facts are laid out on the table in the light of day, the pro-man arguements
deflate and lose their potency. The answer must now seem obvious to my now
enlightened readers...what your jobs must be are to spread the gospel and
convert your friends. Only then will the truth be known to all, and the males
thrown from power, and rightfully so.
Professor Cthulu, Ph.D.,
Miskatonic University
in co-operation with
Partnership for a Male-Free America
Note: the ideas and views shown here are not nessessarily shared with the
staff of this publication, or even the author himself! And especially not
shared with the general modeming community, that's for damned sure...
Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem.
__________________________________________________________
\ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | /
\ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | /
-----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------
/ | | \
/ | "The harder you kick me, the bigger my toothless grin" | \
|________________________________________________________|
<EOF>
Begin3
Pinion #3
Magik E/Cthulu
169
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subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~
Hello my few and fond readers.
Okay, this time we have more than ONE poem in ONE release! Amaaazing!
Yup. So, heres our religiously brilliant attempts at literature.
Thanks to everyone.
Magik_Elvis-
---
rock n' roll
hey my
hey
rock die
hey my will
n' roll my my
hey
never
|
|
do you know what time it is
its time for you to look
not at your watch
but in the mirror
tell me what you hear
don't lie about what you know
close your eyes and start to sew
when they're shut you'll be free
|
|
\ | /
\ /
V
why me
why me
don't fuck with me
don't fuck with me
don't touch me
why me
don't fuck with me
why me
take me
take
me
don't fuck with me
touch
why
magik@elvis.com
---
Trampled by a moose
-By Evil Iggy
A poet if I've ever seen one
Oh mighty moose,
you hit my caboose
and mowed over my head
like a mighty rolling bed
which crushed my puni brain
and put my blatter thru much pain
which drove my urethra insane
Oh mighty moose,
who crushed my cranium
which stopped me from rhyming
that did not feel good
Oh mighty moose
like a river gone loose
who stopped me from making sense
that flew over the apple fields
and into the pigmy paper meals
Oh mighty moose
who broke my pretty tooth
and then to the dentist I went
to get my tooth enbent
and to pay an outragous price
to put my jaw in a vice
Oh mighty moose
who crushed me like a telephone booth
you make me sick
like strawberry quick
Oh mighty moose
who's hoof prints adorn my face
tis not a disgrace
to have a taste of wildlife, on my face
Oh mighty moose
who parralized my lower body
to get to the McPotty
How I admire you so
I now grab my shotgun, to blow
the mighty moose
into tasty moose juice
Oh mighty moose,
it's time that you learn the truth
I'm going to cut your head loose
and skin your flea bitten fleace
and use your head as a mantel piece
Oh mighty moose,
your head now loose,
nailed to the wall,
so that you will not fall
into my fire place
every so often though, I spray you with mace
and kick in your head
just so I know you're dead
I also feed you bread
well, actually I just smack you with it
but what's the dif?
- Didn't really happen, but we can dream
can't we?
---
Do you think you're secure in your suits and ties
My little conformist friend?
One more clone becomes another friend for my own
Threaten my life, I saw you in high school
Beat the shit out of everyone ! Yeah !
You and your kick ass now, live now, ask questions
Never attitude.
Get the girls, fuck them, they think too much.
Get the nerds, beat them, they think too much.
Well, guess who the controller of your little world is now?
Your nine to five routine is controlled by WHO, motherfucker?
A NERD. Big Brother AND his nerd sister.
We'll take that wedgie you gave us in high school,
turn it into a computer that controls YOUR MIND and makes
You the thoughtless vegetables we knew you were
AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. Real HARD, just the way you like it
Don't lie, we know you're a faggot under all that paint
A blatant heterosexual buffoon is a cover and now, we'll
Get a computer chip, just the right size for the inside
Of your anal cavity, mother fucker!
Think NOW fucker.
---
Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem.
__________________________________________________________
\ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | /
\ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | /
-----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------
/ | | \
/ | " Wow, that was really easy, wasn't it? Huh? What?" | \
|________________________________________________________|
<EOF>
Begin4
Pinion #4
Magic E/Cthulu
147
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|
subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda ~~~~~
Issue # 004
by Cthulu
Magik Elvis, of course
Welcome to another touch of brilliance. Ouch, that hurt.
---
The Three Billy Goats Dysfunctional
Cthulu
Once upon a time there were three billy goats. They lived in a pasture across
the river from an acceptably productive grazing field, where one could restore
the body's required balance of minerals and vitamins without collecting
potentially harmful amounts of cholesterol and trans-fatty acids. The
difficulty lay in crossing the swiftly flowing river which divided the two
plots of land. There was a bridge crossing the body of water, but it was the
home of an unemployed troll who defied society's conventional standards of
physical aesthetics and and fine dining. So the three goats remained on their
side of the river and ate substandard chilean pesticide-sprayed whale fat
clearcut causing hormonally enhanced genetically modified wheat... eventually,
through a constant nourishing cycle for the three goats, and by no means
because of overindulging in the grain, there was no more food left on their
side of the river. The three goats would be forced to risk the underfed troll.
So, the first and least physically intimidating goat began to cross the bridge.
Trip trap, trip trap, trip trap went the wooden planks of the bridge
dangerously, being part of the government's decaying infrastructure. The troll,
hearing the footsteps, quickly scrambled on top of the bridge. He said, "Hello,
fellow being. My search for sustainment has led me, regrettably, to the
conclusion that I must eat you to continue my existance here on this plane. Be
assured that I will be very kind and humane in your means of death, and that a
place for you is assured in the afterlife or not, depending on your religious
preference." The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish and
different appearance, but by the disturbing announcement. Then he remembered
his brothers following him, and said "Friend troll, I fear that my
small-but-functional body would not be enough to satisfy one of your
proportionate appetites. My larger brother is following the path behind me, and
will arrive at the bridge soon. If you let me pass, I am sure that he would
gladly sacrifice his humble life to become one with your stomach." The troll
looked at the small but by no means insignificant goat, and at his own growling
lower torso. The troll, coming from a lower-class family, had not possessed the
means to attend post-kindergarten education, and, as such, had not heard this
story before. In his innocence and naivite, qualities admirable in reasonable
quantities, he relented and allowed the first goat to pass into the fields
beyond. He retreated underneath the bridge and waited for the second goat.
Sure enough, after several minutes, a familiar trip trap, trip trap, trip trap
came echoing through the rotten timbers of the bridge raised on selfish and
greedy capitalistic values. The troll swung up on to the bridge and again
delivered his speech. The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish
appearance nor by the announcement, but by the fact that society would ignore
and scorn such a selfless and humble individual, who had been reduced to,
through no fault of his own, harrassing pedestrians for food. He then
remembered his own hungry stomach, and the fields of wheat beyond the poor
desperate troll. Having always had the guidance of the third and largest billy
goat, he remembered that some threats could be nullified with the appearances
of physical retaliation, and perhaps his friend the third goat could shock the
troll enough to be led into rehabilitation. On which thought, he replied to
the troll's eloquent speech, "Friend troll, one of your need deserves a reward
more filling and substantial than my own average body. My brother is even
larger than I, and would most certainly satisfy your empty digestive system for
several days. If you will wait but a few minutes, he will come along and verily
leap down your throat to satisfy your hunger. Now, may I pass?" The troll
looked at the only average sized goat, and at his own greater than average size
belly, and imagined an even larger goat sitting in the place of the one which
stood before him, smoke wafting off his body and an apple in his mouth. He then
wiped the drool off his mouth, an entirely normal reaction to have when
thinking about food, and let the second goat pass. He then sat on the bridge
and looked far to the distance, where he could see a massive shape lumbering
towards him. The land trembled beneath the footsteps of the third and largest
billy goat (who had previously done some work as a stunt double in Jurassic
Park), who glowered across the vast distances at the troll with an expression
that practically screamed "It's clobberin' time!" The troll, accurately
predicting the upcoming episode of purely gratuitous physical violence, feared
for the sanctity of his own warty yet lovable hide, and retreated beneath the
bridge. When he came out from under the bridge, he was bearing a sign which
read "Fairy tales unfair to antagonists: Bad Guys On Strike". He thwarted the
third billy goat's violent intentions with threats of positive action from his
union, and got on the 6 'o clock news. A law was passed in the US Senate in the
coming week, making it unconstitutional to pound on villains unfairly for
absolutely no reason save as a device used to further the plot. Many cash
settlements were resolved in court, and every one lived fairly ever after.
THE END
---
no
be happy with what you have yes
tomorrow you may not be so sad
left right all around
no get up stand up touch the ground
i don't want i can't have
less more i need a slave
yes
magik.
---
_How to rock like a North Van Poser HomeBoy_
1. ) Be like your alternative friends, buy a "Green Day" album.
2. ) No, wait, don't do that.
3. ) Green Day might suck, so buy a classic, say.. Nevermind.
4. ) I mean, hes DEAD, he won't end up lame like Kriss Kross or something.
5. ) Okay, next, get a buzz cut and flatten it out so you resemble Mike D
6. ) Mike D? The guy from the Beastie Boys. Sabotage? You know?
7. ) No, thats NOT their first album.
8. ) Okay, GET RID of that Vanilla Ice album
9. ) Oh, and Paula Abdul is no longer cool
10.) Get an alternative girlfriend. This is a must.
11.) Get a 90210 chick who likes NIN. NIN? Nine Inch Nails.
12.) Not bondage! the band! Oh fuck you.
13.) Okay, next step - find a band NO ONE likes.
14.) Not cuz they suck, cuz no ones ever heard of them. Where?
15.) Go to the alternative section in HMV. Yup, the record store.
16.) Now, go to the next big concert, with your girlfriend and haircut.
17.) And your knowledge of the music bus!
18.) Finally, bob your head back and forth, don't go to the pit.
19.) Don't mess up your hair, don't start getting political.
20.) And no matter WHAT Snoop Dogg says - don't get hurt!
magik.
---
Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem.
__________________________________________________________
\ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | /
\ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | /
-----| subversive,alternative,brainwashing,propaganda |------
/ | | \
/ | "Your vision of the future, always has YOU in it " | \
|________________________________________________________|
<EOF>