" You are inside of the house, which seems very beaten down. There is a smashedwindow leading to the east (probably broken by a baseball). There is an open bank vault here."
" You are north of the house. There is not much to see here, except maybe for the house to the south. Paths lead east and west."
" You are west of the house. A mailbox without a lid (which probably was take by vandals) is here. Paths lead north and south."
" You are south of the house. There is nothing of interest here, except for the house and trails leading east and west."
" You are east of the house. There is a house to the west (with a broken windowsmashed by a baseball leading in), and paths to the north, south, and east."
" You are in a clearing in a petrified forest. Petrified trees stand all around. You know, these trees had a wild party this morning, and now they're"
" You are at the top of a huge cliff, almost a whole 1000000000*10^.0000000001 feet down! Below, you can see the luscious canyon, with all of its wildlife"
" You are at the bottom of the cliff, in a beautiful canyon. However, when you arrive, all the dead animals flee from your horrid face. This makes you sad,"
"You decide to climb the rainbow, and avoid the elevator. As you go up, you feel really happy and are glad you came this way. Then, you even see Ronald McDonald"
" You are in the cellar of the house. It really reeks down here. The walls are bare. There are passages leading north (where the reek is coming from), and up into the house."
" You are in a large room that has pot holes all over it from a giant's foot- steps. Besides a horrible reek of you here, there are passages leading south, east and west."
" You are in the beginning room in a Polish Maze. There is a passage to the east (chicken!), a large passage to the north, and small crawlways leading in"
"You are in a little room in a Polish Maze"
" You are in a room with wild paintings on the wall, filled with flowers. The atmosphere is very free and wild. There are stairs leading up, and a passage that goes south into a huge maze."
" You are in the lair of a bad-breath breathing tax collector. Lying around theroom are huge piles of papers, bills, and old tax forms. You can leave by going down."
" You are in an East-West passage. There is a large sign here that says `Get a piece of the rock'- but you, puzzled, can't see any rock here."
" You are at the junction of four corridors. An ad on the wall reads `Buy your new solar powered flashlight today!'. There are passages leading north, south, "
" You are at the north end of a long corridor. The end is not visible to the south. You can go south, further into the corridor, or north to the junction."
" You are in the middle of an extremely long corridor. It extends forever to the north and to the south. Besides that, this place is pretty boring."
" You are at the south end of the monstrous corridor. This is a really boring place, because hardly anyone has the persistence necessary to walk the entire"
" You are in a room, with a huge mirror covering the south wall. It is really nice and shiny. There are passages to the north, the end not visible, and to theeast."
" You are in an empty, small room. The shattered mirror passage leads to the north, and another room lies to the east."
" You are in the bat room. Pictures of famous bats are hung in the room. There are passages to the west and down, but to the south it smells strongly of gas (not fuel-the other kind.)"
""
" You are in the wine tasting room. However, you notice that most of the bottles are cheap, and aren't really that tasty. The only exit is to the west."
" You are in a small room, which smells amazingly bad. You can north, or descend to the source of the smell."
" You are in what is obviously a place of worship. There are idols of the Iatolla and one large statue of him about the room. A religious aura seems to"
" You are in the tomb of an Egyptian slave. In other words, there isn't anything of any value. Even the body has been stolen. I guess you aren't the first one here, buddy."
" You are at a dock along a beautiful, but polluted, lake. Tied up to the dock is a boat. You may enter the boat and cross the lake (just use 'E') to the east,or go south to a large room."
""
" You are in the Losers' Hall of Fame. There are pictures of great losers everywhere, and you feel proud to be a loser. The only exit is back to the south."
" You are in the loud room. There is a heavy metal band playing here. You notice on of them has an electric guitar. There is a huge speaker in the corner."
" You are in the loud room. You can see the set-up of a heavy metal band here, but they are not in sight. There is a huge speaker in the corner of the room."
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"all stoned, along with my pet rock. You really should have been there. Anyways, there are paths leading to the south and to the west."
"dying off because of adventurer pollution. You can go to the north, or scramble down the cliff with massive effort."
"for you were in the mood for some good cruelty to animals. You can scramble backup the cliff, or go north to the rainbow."
"doing a commercial. But then - Grimace steps on the rainbow! It collapses!"
"all the other directions. A big sign over the north passage says, `Go this way! Don't go anywhere else! Please! Go this way!' Also, beyond the sign in the next"
"room is a large greeting party, just waiting for you to go north!!! Besides, thelittle crawlways look icky and ugly to boot."
"east, and west. There seems to be a VERY long corridor to the south, and from the east you can hear a horrible noise, like someone torturing a cow."
"corridor. The corridor looms to the north, and a room lies to the south."
"linger in the air. You'd have to pay me to come here. You can leave this icky place by way of two passages, to the west and to the south."
""
""
"You're still recovering from last round."
"Pretty sad case. You slip and fall, and barely avoid the sumo as he tries to siton you. By the way, you're also stunned."
"Nice move. When you fired the gun, it rickoched and almost hit you. Lucky."
"All right! Your gun jamms! Too bad, you won't be able to attack quite yet."
"The shot from your gun rickochets all around the room, and finally hits the sumo for minimal damage."
"The shot scares pants off the sumo. Embarressed, he turns around and putsthem back on."
"The shot hits the sumo squarely. He starts to cry."
"Your shot hits the sumo where it counts. He screams in pain."
"Your shot is perfect. The sumo is hit right in the forehead. However, he has a fairly thick skull."
"The sumo is really terrified of you. He farts on himself."
"When the gun fires, the sumo gets really freaked. He screams and almost breaks his head bashing it against a wall."
"The sumo, in a great rage, accidentally sits on himself. Needless to say, he dies. Nice work."
"The sumo, trying to avoid looking at your face, doesn't attack."
"The sumo tries to sit on you, but instead misses and lands on a tack. Ouch!"
"The sumo tries to be like you, and almost kills itself. Lucky."
"The sumo is still thinking about whether to step with its right or left foot first, so it doesn't attack."
"The sumo tries to sit on you. However, you dive away- and land on a sharp rock."
"The sumo falls down, and in the following earthquake you are trying to keep yourbalance."
"The sumo sits down, and in the ensuing earthquake you are hit by a rock."
"The sumo looks at you. You scream in agony, and bash your head against a wall."
"The sumo hold up a mirror. You choke and gasp for better air for a minute or two"
"The sumo sits on you, but before the second is up you escape. Every bone in yourbody is broken."
"The sumo sits on you, and farts several times. You can guess what happens."
"Too bad. The sumo finally, with a yell of triumph, sits on you."
"You're still trying to avoid being taxed from last round."
"Nice move. You shoot at the collector, but he taxes you on aiming the gun! You decide not to fire- who knows how much that costs!"
"All right. When you fire your gun, it rickochets off a pile of old taxes and almost kills you."
"The shot hits the collector and wounds him, but runs away before it can be taxedor do more damage."
"The collector gets scared when he can't tax you on anything. He dives under a pile of tax forms to avoid your shot."
"The shot penetrates a large pile of forms and nails the collector. Nice work."
"You nail him where it counts- right in a tax form. He yells in disbelief."
"Beautiful shot. You wasted a pile of forms, and the collector screams in pain."
"The tax collector gets really scared, and has to tax himself for lack of anything else."
"Your perfect shot destroys a pile of papers and blows a hole in the collector."
"The collector has a fit when he doesn't have anything to tax. He compulsively taxes himself, and has a major heartattack. He was a nice fellow away from the job, too."
"The collector, organizing his forms, doesn't attack."
"The collector tries to throw a property tax at you, but you don't own anything."
"He tries to tax you on your possessions, but you stole them."
"The collector tries to slap an ugly tax on you, but then you show him a picture of himself."
"The collector taxes you on not having a brain. You disagree, but then you clean out your ear and your head caves in. Maybe he has a point."
"The collector hands you some forms and tells you to read them."
"The collector pushes over a stack of papers. They land on you. Painful."
"He looks at you. You scream in tortured agony."
"He fires a paper airplane made out of a form at you. You choke in amazement of how it flies to well."
"You are buried under a mountain of paper, and get cut up by a paper helicopter."
"The collector taxes you on `Every breath you take, every move you make...'- and he'll be watching you. You make like Hitler."
"Oh well. With a yell of triumph, the collector screams and hurls a mountain of taxes at you. Guess what."
" As you put the last treasure in the bank vault, it closes and disappears behind a painting. Just then, a booming voice says: `You have completed your quest in Pork I, worthy one!"
" However, because this voice is so amazingly loud, it starts an earthquake. A crack opens up in the earth, and you fall into the land of Pork II !!!"
"The rifle appears to be a gun that fires bullets. It's really useful is you wantto shoot things. It says: `ACME Gun Company' on the side."
"The .22 appears to be a small handgun, made for defense against evil people who try to steal things from you (HINT HINT). It is old and dusty too. A label reads`ACME Gun Company' on the side."
"The prayer book is a fairly large book, all black with pictures of human sacrafice (they're playing computer adventure games.) Its title is `201: A Sea Oddessy'"
""
"The boat is a very large yacht, with the name `Pork-Out' on the side. It is not richly furnished or decorated, however, and it just takes dim adventurers"
"across places they can't walk through. Isn't that groovy???"
"The bat looks large and heavy, but awkward- a reject from last year's World Series. It has a signiture on it - `Ronald Reagan'."
"The matches are just that. Matches. Not long ones or kitchen matches, just plain old regular matches. There are"
"The form says this:`Tax exemtion for one hour.' It may be used wherever tax exemption forms are honored, except in all countries where adventurers exist. To redeem this form, take it to..."
"The wine is a fine vintage from Jimmy Carter's own private grape fields, made out of (censored), and mixed with (censored) to produce a (censored) taste."
"The bill says 500 in each corner, has a picture of Wally George in the middle, and is worth 500 dollars. How stupid can you get?"
"The guitar is a basic six stringer, with a plug to go into a wall. It can only play heavy metal, though, at not less than 500 decibals. An engraving reads: `ACME Anti-Deafness Prevention Old People Harrasser.'"
"The portrait is too horrid to describe. To look at it would be worse than suicide."
"The pot looks real, probably grown in someone's back yard. The pot it is in usedto be used to carry gold, until it got promoted. There are"
"Sorry, but it doesn't seem to be here."
"You don't seem to have that in your possession."
"I am really glad you decided to leave the rainbow alone. We all know how sissy they are (oops- bad choice of words. Sorry if I offended you.) Anyways, I'm giving you 5 points because you avoided the rainbow!"
"As you wave the bill, a man in a trench coat walks up to you and sets down a potof pot. He says for you to pay him later. Before you can ask any questions, he dissapears into a crowd (don't ask me how!)"
"There is a huge (10000 pound) sumo wrestler here! He is (literally) blocking allexits to the room."
"Attacking with your bare hands is worse than not doing anything at all- you can slip and fall under the sumo. Bring a weapon next game, jerk."
"As you wisely decide to travel north, many telegrams from well wishers all over the planet congradulate you on getting out of the Polish Maze. It's taken more lives than the Royal Puzzle. Nice job."
"Attacking with your bare hands is worse than not doing anything at all- you can slip and he can tax you on that. Bring a weapon next game, jerk."
" You are in the middle of a chile contest. Barrels of it are all over, but you can't get to any of them to eat because people are pigging out on it. There is a passage leading to the east."
" You are in a room occupied by a crazed baseball pitcher. He is always throwing the ball around, and you have no hope of getting to the north passage"
"without getting rid of him first. However, he is not that great of a pitcher and even you can probably get a hit off of him easily. There is also a passage to the west."
" You are in a room, which used to home an insane baseball pitcher. He is lying dead on the ground after some jerk hit the ball, and it killed him. You can go to the west or to the north."
"You swing at the ball, and hit it solidly. The line drive smashed the pitchers skull, and he slumps to the ground. Try to be a little more accurate next time."
" You are in a room occupied by a crazed baseball pitcher. He is always throwing the ball around, and you have no hope of getting to the north passage"
"Dearly behated, we are gathered here today to have a party, for the so-called adventurer of PORK had died. I'm sure he'll hate us for celebrating his death, but still it's a good excuse to party."
"A mean, cruel, small, sadistic, and all around bad-kind-of-guy tax collector walks into the room, and taxes you on paying taxes. He carries off all your valuables in exchange for not being taxed."
"No. Ha ha. I won't. For help, make out a check of $500 to Brent Phillips, and send it too him. Help will arrive in the mail."
"Sorry, but you can't close the bank vault until yesterday morning (a reverse timelock.) That's about -1000 turns away"
