home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Shareware Overload
/
ShartewareOverload.cdr
/
games
/
funey.zip
/
FUNNYONE.TXT
Wrap
Text File
|
1987-06-04
|
12KB
|
284 lines
USComputer Lexicon
By Cornelius Unicorn
Beginner: A person who believes more than one-
sixteenth of a computer salseperson's spiel.
Advanced User: A person who has managed to remove a
computer from its packing materials.
Power User: A person who has mastered the brightness
and contrast controls on any computer's moniter.
Sales Associate: A former cheese-monger who has
recently traded mascarpone for MS-DOS
Sales Manager: Last week's new sales associate.
Consultant: A former sales associate who has mastered
at least one tenth of the D-BASE 3 Plus Manual.
Systems Integrator: A former consultant who
understands the term "AUTOEXEC.BAT".
Warranty: Disclaimer.
Service: Cursory examination, followed by the
utterance of the phrase "It can't be ours"
and either of the words "hardware" or "software."
Support: The mailing of advertising literature to
customers who have returned a registration card.
Alpha Test Version: Too buggy to be released to the
paying public.
Beta Test Version: Still too buggy to be released.
Release Version: Alternate pronounciation of "beta
test version."
Enhanced: Less awful in some ways than the previous
model, and less likely to work as expected.
Convertible: Transformable from a second-rate computer
to a first-rate doorstop or paperweight. (Lexicoginal
note:replaces the term "junior.")
Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Fast (6MHz): Nowhere near fast enough.
Superfast (8MHz): Not fast enough.
Blindingly Fast (10MHz): Almost fast enough.
Astoundingly Fast (12MHz): Fast enough to work only
intermittently.
Memory-Resident: Ready at the press of a key to
disable any currently running program.
Multitasking: A clever method of simultaneously
slowing down the multitude of computer programs that
insist on running too fast.
Encryption: A powerful algorithmic encoding technique
employed in the creation of computer manuals.
Desktop Publishing: A system of software and hardware
enabling users to create documents with a cornucopia
of typefaces and graphics and the intellectual content
of a Formica slab;often used in conjunction with encryption.
High Resolution: Having nothing to do with graphics on
an IBM-compatible microcomputers.
FCC-Certified: Guaranteed not to interfere with radio
or television reception until you add the cable required
to make it work.
American: Italian or Taiwanese, as in "American Telephone and
Telegraph."
American-Made: Assembled in America from parts made abroad.
Windows: A slow-moving relation of the rodent family rarely
seen near computers but commonly found in specially marked
packages of display cards, turbo cards, and Grape-Nuts Cereal.
TopView: The official position of IBM brass that an abysmally
slow character-based multitasking program is the product of
the future.
Shareware: Software usually distinguished by its awkward user
interfaces, skimpy manuals, lack of official user support, and
particularly its free distribution and upgrading via simple disk
copying; eg. PC-DOS.
DOS-SHELL: An educational tool forcing computer users to learn
new methods of doing what they already can.
UNIX: Sterile experts who attempt to palm off bloated, utterly
arcane, and confusing operating systems on rational human beings.
EMS: Emergency Medical Service; often summoned incases of apoplexy
induced by attempts to understand extended,expanded, or enhanced
memory specifications.
Videotex: A moribund electronic service offering people the privlege
of paying to read the weather on their TV screens instead of
having Willard Scott read it to them free while they brush their
teeth.
Artificial Intelligence: The amazing, human-like ability of a
computer program to understand that the letter y means "yes" and
the letter n means "no."
Electronic Mail: A communications system with built-in delays and
errors designed to emulate those of the United States Postal
Service.
C-py Pr-t-ct--n: An obscenity unfit to print and fast disappearing
from common parlance.
Turbo Card: A device that increases an older-model computer's speed
almost enough to compensate for the time wasted
in getting it to work.
Laser Printer: A xerographic copying machine with additional mal-
functioning parts.
Workstation: A computer or terminal slavishly linked to a mainframe
that does not offer game programs.
RISC: The gamble that a computer directly compatible with nothing
else on the planet may actually have decent software written for
it someday.
AUTOEXEC.BAT: A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft used to coax AT
hard disks into performing properly.
Plotter: A terroristic hypodermic device used to inject graphic
representations of boring data into boring meetings.
Clone: One of the many advanced-technology computers IBM is begin-
ning to wish it had built.
CD-ROM: An optical device with storage sufficieent to hold billions
of predictions claiming it will revolutionize the information
industry.
IBM Porduct Centers: Historical landmarks forever memoralizing the
concept of "list price only."
IBM: Somewhat like an IBM product; in current parlance, invariably
followed by the word "compatible."
IBM Compatible: Not IBM compatible.
Fully IBM Compatible: Somewhat IBM compatible, but won't run IBM
BASIC programs.
100% IBM Compatible: Compatible with most available hardware and
software, but not with the blockbusters IBM always intriduces the
day after tomorrow.
Lap-Top: Smaller and lighter than the average secretary.
Portable: Smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator.
Transportable: Neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm
system.
Hard Disk: A device that allows users to delete vast quantities of
data with simple mnemonic commands.
Mouse: A peripheral originally christened "vermiform appendix"
because of its functional resemblance, renamed for its
appropriateness as a cat toy.
Printer: An electromechanical paper-shredding device.
Modem: A peripheral used in the unsuccesful attempt to get two
computer to communicate with each other.
Network: An electronic means of allowing more than one person at
a time to corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to
useful information.
Documentation: A perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only
in situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable
, usually employed solely as a decorative bookend.
User-Friendly: Supplied with a full-color manual.
Very User-Friendly: Supplied with a disk and audiotape so the user
needent bother with the full-color manual.
Extremely User-Friendly: Supplied with a mouse so that the user need
-ent bother with the disk and audiotape, the full color manual, or
the program itself.
Easy to Learn: Hard to use.
Easy to Use: Hard to learn.
Easy to Learn and Use: Won't do what you want it to.
Powerful: Hard to learn and use.
Menu-Driven: Easy to learn.
Copy Protection: (1) A clever method of preventing incompetent
pirates from stealing software and legitimate customers from using
it; (2) a means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by
preventing larceny by the former but not by the latter.
Warranty: An unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is
actually included on the disk in the box.
Version 1.0: Buggier than Maine in June; eats data.
Version 1.1: Eats data only occasionally, upgrade free to avoid
litigation by disgruntled users of version 1.0.
Version 2.0: The version origionally planned as the first release
(except for a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to
go away), no free upgrades or the company would go bankrupt.
Version 3.0: The revision in the works when the company goes
bankrupt.
Spreadsheet: A program that gives the user quick and easy access to
a wide variety of highly detailed reports based on highly
inaccurate assumptions.
Word Processor: Software that magically transforms its user into a
professional author.
Though Processor: An electronic version of the intended outline
procedure that thinking people instantly abandon upon graduation
from high school.
Business Graphics: Popular with managers who understand neither
decimals, fractions, percentages, Roman numerals, but have more
than a passing acquaintance with pies and bars.
Database Manager: A program that allows the user to manipulate data
in every conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or
she concieves of the day after entering 20 megabytes of raw
information.
Project Manager: Software for generating fantasy scenarios of
amazing optimism; proven in computer firms, where it is extremely
successful at scheduling advertising campaigns for unavailable
products.
Integrated Software: A single product that deftly performs hundreds
of functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-
dozen he uses constantly.
Windows: A method of dividing a computer screen into two or more
unusably tiny portions.
Now Available: Available any day now.
Available Soon: Available in a year or so.
Available May 1: Version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1.
Standard: Similar to something else on the market.
Backup: The duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to
make; used only in an abstract sense.
Computer Journalist: (1) A data processing manager who can't write
a coherent English sentence; (2) A writer who can produce a
definitive opinion on a product after spending an hour with its
manual; (3) A person with an insatiable lust for free hardware and
software; (4) A harmless drudge.