Shareware Overload/ShartewareOverload.cdr/educ/fastyp2.zip/FORTUNE1.TYP

Text File | 1990-01-02 | 13KB | 328 lines

@TEXT@
Daffynitions:
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
@TEXT@
Daffynitions:
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Immortality: a fate worse than death.
@TEXT@
Good judgement comes from experience;
Experience comes from bad judgement.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
@TEXT@
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
@TEXT@
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
@TEXT@
Keep grandma off the streets; legalize bingo.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
@TEXT@
Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50",
you can bet it's not $19.95.
Also, anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The labels entitled "ALL NEW",
"COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
@TEXT@
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
your toes.
@TEXT@
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
@TEXT@
"A computer programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place." -- Anon.
@TEXT@
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
@TEXT@
DeVries' Old Typing Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
@TEXT@
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
@TEXT@
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
live.
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
@TEXT@
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
@TEXT@
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
@TEXT@
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And, no one rob me till I awake.
@TEXT@
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to..to...uh...
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the...
@TEXT@
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
@TEXT@
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
bathroom.
@TEXT@
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
@TEXT@
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on; This person must be fired.
@TEXT@
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
@TEXT@
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
@TEXT@
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
@TEXT@
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
@TEXT@
"If you want to be recognized, stand up!"
"If you want to be heard, speak up!"
"If you want to be loved, sit down and shut up!!"
@TEXT@
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
BLISS is ignorance
@TEXT@
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
@TEXT@
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
@TEXT@
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
@TEXT@
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpindicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
@TEXT@
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
@TEXT@
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her husband lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
@TEXT@
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
@TEXT@
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
@TEXT@
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
@TEXT@
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
@TEXT@
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
@TEXT@
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
@TEXT@
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
@TEXT@
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
@TEXT@
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
@TEXT@
Politics is like coaching a football team.  you have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
@TEXT@
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
@TEXT@
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
    -- Ambrose Bierce
@TEXT@
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
@TEXT@
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
@TEXT@
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
@TEXT@
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
@TEXT@
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
you can fool some of the people all of the time,
but you Can't Fool Mom!
@TEXT@
POLITICIAN:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
    -- Martin Pitt
@TEXT@
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
@TEXT@
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
@TEXT@
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
@TEXT@
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
@TEXT@
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.