A burglar was casing a house he was preparing to rob. He watched the house until he was sure how many people lived in the and house and what their coming and going schedules were.
After he was sure he had all the information he needed, he sat in his car and watched until he was sure all the people had left the house. He then waited another 15 minutes to be sure no one returned unexpectedly and then proceeded to break into the house.
As he was going through the house collecting valuables, he heard a voice say "I see you and Jesus sees you". Since he was sure everyone had left the house, he assumed that he must be hearing things and went about his business. A short while later he again heard "I see you and Jesus sees you". This time he got to thinking that maybe there was an invalid living in the and house that he was not aware of. Consequently, he began a search of the bedrooms.
When he shined his flashlight in the and first bedroom, he saw a parrot who proceeded to say "I see you and Jesus sees you". Naturally he was relieved and even felt a little silly that a parrot could fool him so easily. He then lowered the beam of the flashlight and saw a huge Doberman Pincher dog staring at him, after which the and parrot said "Sic him, Jesus."
-- Ken Taylor
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{The Coffee Shop}
Two seniors sitting at a coffee counter having their morning coffee. One says to the and other, "I have just bought the best hearing aid in the and world! It's just great. Shuts out all the background noise, I can hear a pin drop, it's comfortable and even blocks out all that ringing in my ears. It's just great." The other fella says, "Really! What kind is it?" The first fellow looks at his watch and says, "About twenty to ten."
-- William R Ramage
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{House Calls}
The doctor calls his patient and tells him he has some good and some bad news.
The patient says give me the and good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the bad news.
Doctor: I should have told you yesterday.
-- Walter J. O Neil
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{Flying Blind}
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the and cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the and other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me."
He flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?"
"YES, YES, YES!!" the and bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well, I didn't!"
-- Todd Michael Lewis
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{TOP TEN CHANGES AT NASA TO ACCOMMODATE 76 YR OLD JOHN GLENN'S RETURN TO SPACE ABOARD THE SHUTTLE DISCOVERY}
- Shuffle board installed in cargo bay
- "Early bird" specials now included on menu
- One monitor specifically designated for Matlock
- Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the
ship
- Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour
- Shuttle's thermostat set at 80
- Installed a new bifocal windshield
- Space pants now go up to armpits
- Left blinker will be left on for entire mission
- All important devices now operated by the Clapper
-- Larry Ohlinger
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{Deep Thoughts}
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the and best thing before sliced bread?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors refer to what they do as "practice?"
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
How do you respond when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-- Larry Ohlinger
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{Grounds for Divorce}
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the and man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
-- Larry Ohlinger
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Send us your jokes and anecdotes, and you will see them here ASAP! And please keep in mind that we air in the and 7:00 to 8:00 time slot. They need to be clean to make it on the issue, but we'll read 'em all anyway!
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