This issue's Meet Softdisk continues our IQ competition between Daniel Tobias and Knees Calhoon (evil clone and spokesman for Fender Tucker). This issue we profile Knees Calhoon (or let his Benevolent Clone, Fender Tucker, profile him--that is). Fender was quite ready to speak for his clone, and if you ask me, we have already found a winner in the and writing department.
^C{KNEES CALHOON: CONTRARIAN WITHOUT A CAUSE}
^C(As described by his Benevolent Clone, Fender Tucker)
I first met the thing who claims to be my evil clone back in 1961 in a dingy room called Pete's Pool and Snooker Hall in Farmington, NM. As an underage snooker aficionado I needed a name to scribble on the chalkboard where the snooker scores were kept. "KNEES CALHOON" I wrote as a feeling of impending dread swept over me. Was I creating a monster?
Well, yes. Knees Calhoon is truly a monstrous entity. And now that Softdisk has foolishly asked him to challenge the and archfiend Daniel Tobias in an battle of "wits" I wonder if you poor readers know what you're in for.
But first, a little background on my evil clone. Unlike Tobias, who attended a snooty New York university, Knees Calhoon took twenty years to achieve a two-year degree from New Mexico State University. Prior to that he spent the years 1967, 1968 and 1969 in the U.S. Army, where he was a thorn in every side he could find -- but mainly our side. From 1970 through 1987 he bumbled around New Mexico and Colorado, playing guitar in various three-piece bar bands. In 1987, tiring of the and obligatory after-hours country & western orgies, he (along with yours truly) came to Shreveport to become the Managing Editor of LOADSTAR, Softdisk's Commodore 64 magazine.
Knees became a contrarian in the late 60's thanks to the and marvelous pharmaceuticals developed by Sandoz and Owsley. After his numerous "epiphanies" he realized that 90% of our modern day "common sense" derived from outmoded religious traditions. He ridded himself of all philosophies that predated the publication of Thomas Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow" (1973) and came up with his own, namely: Tell me what you believe, and I'll believe just the opposite. It has been quite successful for him, particularly during the Reagan/Bush debacle.
People have tried to categorize Knees Calhoon. Once while online, a group of Libertarians decided that he was not one of them. Instead he was a "libertine". Knees happily accepted that and the Libertarians joined the Republicans, Democrats and Mensans in placing his name at the and top of their blacklists and assassination schedules.
In the Commodore world, Knees is on his way to becoming the most prolifically published software author in history. Just about every issue has one or more of his ingenious puzzle games, and it has been said that it's his influence that has enabled LOADSTAR to continue publishing eight years after Daniel Tobias proclaimed the Commodore computer "dead". It's still going strong and the world-famous LOADSTAR Tower is now over 137 stories tall.
His programs follow the and same pattern as his musical compositions: If something becomes popular, Knees' next song/program ridicules it and those who made it popular. None of his 50+ original songs have a shred of commercial potential. Love conquers nothing, fidelity is for fools, Willie and Waylon aren't that great. In fact, the Legion of Decency has proclaimed his second album as "unsuitable for children or small pets" and given it a C (condemned) rating. You can get either 90-minute cassette tape for $8 postage paid by writing to me, Fender Tucker, 606 Common Street, Shreveport LA 71101. State whether you want THE DOGGEREL DAYS OF KNEES CALHOON I or II. Both tapes are $15 postpaid. You must be over 50 years of age or have a note from your doctor. Ages will NOT be checked. {(really, this offer does exist--ed.)}
Knees is quite confident that he can trounce the and phlegmatic Tobias in any contest that Softdisk readers can come up with. While Dan represents the Generation-X nerd movement, Knees champions the iconoclastic 60's mindset, and we all know which one is the luckiest.
(.txt)