We are going to take a break this month with our standard set of jokes (which we are frantically trying to organize into some semblance of order) and are presenting you with this interesting information from a certain Ronnie Talent. With no further commentary...here it is...
^C{----------------}
^C{OPENING LINES
^Cby Ronnie Talent}
HOW MANY TIMES HAS IT HAPPENED TO YOU?
How many times have you blown the big opportunity because you couldn't find the right words to say? I think you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the time your eyes met in that barroom and you didn't have the guts to introduce yourself. And the time you rode four subway stops in silence because you were afraid to start a conversation with the knockout who plopped down beside you. It happens. Some people are born with the and ability to walk up to any girl (or guy) and walk away with a phone number, a date and a promise.
Most people (including myself) aren't that lucky. We need assistance. We need an introduction, mutual friends (or a car accident) to bring us together.
I wrote this with these people in mind. I interviewed hundreds of men and women (mostly women) and compiled this collection of opening lines from their favorites. It's designed to help you meet the and people that you've always wanted to meet. You may find that some of these lines might not be suited for you. Find one that you feel comfortable with and make it your own. Take a deep breath, stand up straight and let it rip!
LINES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
{1. "Can I help you with that?"}
This is an old stand-by. Do you see somebody having trouble carrying something? Even if they're not having trouble, it's a nice gesture. If they accept your help, you've already broken the and ice. Shift into a conversation.
{2. "May I join you?"}
This shows that you are bold and daring. If you are truly sincere about meeting someone and they refuse, you probably wouldn't want to meet them anyway.
^P
{3. "Excuse me, do you know what time it is?"}
Have a good follow-up to this one, because the answer is usually only a word or two long. (Something like: "Oh, no, the market's closing and I haven't bought that company yet!" or "I hate to keep George Michael waiting!")
Note: For all of you morons out there you shouldn't be wearing a watch!
{4. "Is it still raining?"}
You should milk this one for what it's worth. People are vulnerable when they look like a drowned rat. If they're shivering, give them your coat.
{5. "Can you tell me how to get to |||||||||||||||?"}
This is a good one to use if you know your way around and you both happen to be walking in the and same direction. If you're a good flirt, pretend to get the and directions wrong a few times. (They'll either think you're cute or stupid.)
{6. "Excuse me, don't you work at Softdisk (or wherever)?"}
If you know where they work, try this one! It shows that you're observant and interested enough to have noticed them at all.
Note: Don't embarrass them if they work someplace out of the ordinary.
{7. "Aren't you friends with Jim?"}
If you have mutual friends, the rest is easy! If all else fails, it'll give you an opportunity to talk nasty about someone behind his back.
{8. "You look familiar."}
Notice I didn't say "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" They mean different things. If you sound sincere, they'll take a moment to rack their brains to remember you. If you're lucky, they'll start asking you dumb questions like: "Were you at Frank's party?", "Are you a matador?" or "Do I have something on my nose?"
{9. "Are you a model?"}
This line should be reserved for only the and best looking. If used on anyone else, though flattering, it's considered an obvious pick-up line. If you use this, use it only on a real hot number, and look unimpressed. You'll seem a little less anxious.
{10. "Are you a dancer?"}
This line should only be used on those who can truly shake up a storm. If you can dance, ask them for a spin! They might embarrass you, but what the heck! You only live once!
{11. "Have you met my friend Ned?"}
You need a friend for this one. You walk up to a couple of hot ones, and introduce "Ned" and find out their names. When they say, "Who are you," you say, "Me? I'm Ned's friend!" They'll either think you're obnoxious or clever.
{12. "You have pretty eyes."}
Eyes are probably the and most important tool in meeting that someone special. You flirt with them, acknowledge with them, wink with them. If you've been getting "the eye" from someone, it's a good idea to let them know that you've noticed.
{13. "Is my cigarette bothering you?"}
Although this doesn't seem like one of the and greatest lines of all times, it shows that you're considerate and care about the air they breathe. (But remember, you also open yourself up to a possible confrontation with a non-smoking extremist who might blast a fire extinguisher in your face.)
{14. "You have a great voice."}
Did you ever catch someone singing? Although most people would be a little embarrassed, everybody dreams of being a star. Lie a little. (Lie a lot if you have to.)
{15. "Do you think that he/she's attractive?"}
A young lady asked me this once when a bombshell walked past and it stuck in my mind. This is a good way to find out what type of person they're attracted to, which is a step in the right direction.
{16. "Is this seat taken?"}
Here's an old classic. Usually the and response to this question will let you know what your chances are. If they smile and say "No, please have a seat," it may mean one thing, whereas a frown accompanied by a snappy "Yes it is!" may mean something else.
Note: A look of fear might signal that this person has gas. Move on to another person.
LINES FOR SPECIFIC OCCASIONS
{17. "Did you happen to hear if the Oakland A's won tonight?"}
This is one of my personal favorites. This is commonly used at the and neighborhood sports bar. You'll find that some people have no idea who the Oakland A's are (or how the and game of baseball is played) in which case you may assume the and duty of explaining it all to them. If you hit it off, ask them to a game! (No one can resist a baseball game!)
{18. "You look like you could use a friend."}
Is he/she obviously upset? Crying in his/her beer? They might need a little help here. Though many will tearfully shrug you off, some won't. You have a couple of shoulders . . . lend one.
{19. "This drink is from the gentleman in the and blue shirt. . . ."}
Sending a drink is a whole lot classier than going up and asking if they'd like one. This also works in fast food restaurants. (In case you're thirteen.)
{20. "Join us in a shot?"}
Whoopee! We're all happy and drunk! If you and yours are all celebrating something, include those people who happen to be standing around you. A festive attitude is contagious. Soon you'll all be dancing on the and tables!
{21. "Excuse me, are you rich?"}
This can either be funny or obnoxious. It's all in the and way you say it. It's not my personal favorite, but a pretty young lady told me that a gentleman handed her this one, and she thought it was the and funniest line she had ever heard. Oh, well.
{22. "Excuse me, did you hear about the tornado?"}
Natural disasters bring a sense of unity between strangers. This also works with earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons and floods. Of course, if there are no natural disasters in the forecast, you're out of luck. Improvise.
{23. "Is this your first time here?"}
This is a multipurpose line. This can be used while traveling, at the and local health club, or anywhere you might find an unfamiliar face. If it's not their first time, lie and say it's yours, and that you're lost.
{24. "Where are you stationed?"}
For all of those service men and women out there. I've never met anyone in the military who didn't take advantage of an opportunity to lie about his/her role in the armed forces. It's your job to give them that opportunity.
{25. "What kind of assignment do you have?"}
This goes hand-in-hand with Line #8. Ask them about their job. Do they like it? Let them talk. If you're a woman, bear in mind that it might have been a long time since they've talked to a lady. (But remember, these people take orders well.)
{26. "How long have you been skiing?"}
Let's hit the slopes! Can they ski? I mean really ski (or play tennis, or whatever. I'm just using skiing as an example.) If you share a talent like that, hit a few runs. If you're new at the sport, don't come off like a pro. You'll look like a moron and hold them back. They'll hate you forever. (These people should use line #27.)
{27. "Do you have any pointers for a rookie?"}
This is another multi-purpose line. Use this with diving, racquetball, bowling, underwater basket weaving. . . anything you see as their strength. Most people like this (when sincere) because it is flattering to know they are being noticed. There are times. though, then they might want to enjoy their skill, understand that. Don't get in their way.
{28. "Who do you know here?"}
Innocent enough. This is for use at a party, or any occasion where there are unfamiliar faces. Remember, if you don't know anyone there, avoid making small talk like, "Dull party, want to leave?" You might be talking to the and host.
Going to a wedding? The next 3 are for You!
{29. "Nice catch!/Nice Try!" (after the bouquet toss)}
Somebody told me once that when a lady is at a wedding, all they think about is what theirs will be like. I don't know if that's true, but it's worth your while to find out. Ask them what they like about the occasion.
{30. "When I decide to get married, I hope it's this nice."}
The purpose of this line is to trick the and other person into replying. This is a good one for the ladies. Use this strategically when you feel someone is interested. If you do, they should follow your lead. If they don't, pull out the and book and try something else.
{31. "What do you think of the band?"}
This can be used at any event where a band is playing (no kidding). You might find a higher success ratio if you're sincere. Pretend you're the band's producer. It gives the question a whole new look.
{32. "Rumor has it that you're the best (their profession) in the world."}
Although this can seem sleazy, it can also be cute. It all depends on what they do for a living and what kind of day they've had (i.e., travel agent, model, writer, international banker, stripper). Pretend you have a need for their services. But be careful, don't seem too obvious or committing. If they find out the truth, they'll hate you forever.
{33. "Do you often take this train?"}
Commuting? A lot of commuters have boring social lives. Because when they're not working, they're traveling to and from work. I, myself, had to commute for a year and believe me, it's a great way to meet people! Watch "Silver Streak" sometime. (You won't get any lines, it's just one of my favorite movies.)
{34. "Can you tell me what goes well with this?"}
Although this is similar to Line #59, we're not talking about the same thing. Here, we talk about food, or wine, or anything you might decide to ingest. This is for the grocery store, or liquor store, anywhere!
{35. "I was going to play this by myself, but I hate to play alone, join me?"}
Although this could have many applications, I would like to point out that this is effective on some of the and more recent video games (trivia poker). Don't' try anything too complex, and don't try to blow them out of the and water.
{36. "You've played this before?"}
This is for all the hustlers you might find out there playing pool, or anything with great skill. When somebody is good at something, they will usually try to showcase their talents. Feed their egos. If you're just as good, the thrill of a good game will excite anyone.
{37. "It might help if you press the "fire" button."}
If you're watching somebody playing a game and they're doing something obviously wrong, point it out! They'll appreciate it a lot more than hearing people chuckle behind their backs. Guide them along! Offer pointers, and then show them how it's done!
{38. "I'll share my dryer with you."}
You know, I spent years going to laundromats, and I know what a hassle it is to wait around while doing the laundry. If you've got a dryer with only a few things in it, share it with that someone special! It's a nice gesture, and you can also find out what kind of underwear they own! (If you're into that kind of thing.)
{39. "Should I wash this with this?"}
Sometimes it's a good idea for a guy to play dumb. It's these domestic situations that give you the opportunity to test women and their worthiness to the and household. If they're incorrect, scream "WRONG! YOU LOSE!" and find someone else.
{40. "You must enjoy it here. I've seen you here before."}
Most prefer this to a "haven't I seen you somewhere before" kind of line. This is for the familiar face you see all of the and time, the one you always say "hi" to but never met. Take the first step.
{41. "Are you traveling for business or pleasure?"}
This is a good one for either sex, for the business traveler. The business traveler may have many heartaches and headaches in his/her everyday travels, and a new face can sometimes make their day (or add to their confusion).
{42. "I happen to have an extra ticket. . ."}
Want to meet women fast? Buy as many tickets as you can for any given Bon Jovi concert, then stick around the ticket line until the show is sold out. Then take your pick!
{43. "Did you know him well?"}
You know, funerals aren't the happiest places to meet people, and some might find it in bad taste, but the and question is harmless enough.
{44. "I suddenly don't feel like leaving."}
Not so fast! If somebody walks into your life while you're on the and way out, you might regret it! This is a flattering remark, but don't overstay your welcome. If they're not interested, just leave.
{45. "Look! Elvis has been found with Bigfoot on the and moon!"}
Everybody gets a kick out of the tabloid covers in a supermarket checkout-line. Pick one up and read some of the articles to that certain someone. If they're at all interested, you've broken the and ice. If they're not, they're no fun anyway.
GREAT LINES FOR GALS
{46. "You seem to be getting results, can you give any advice?"}
This can be touchy, it's basically geared for a gym or fitness facility. As you probably know, people can be sensitive about their weight and physique, but noticing an improvement gives them a little boost that shows they're on the and right track. But don't overdo it. Don't say, "Boy, look at you now! You used to be a hippo!"
{47. "Where do you work out?"}
Here's a good line to give to a body builder-type person. If they're not too wrapped up in themselves, they might just give you an answer! (I'm kidding, of course. They might not!)
{48. "Nice car!"}
It's been said that a man's car is an extension of his, uh, manhood. This is true! (At least, in his mind.) If a guy has a hot car, chances are he's saying," My car's hot, and so am I!" Your praise for his car is taken as praise for him and thus he thinks he's a stud. But keep in mind, there are a few studs out there who drive yellow Volkswagen Rabbits. (Even I had one.)
{49. "You look good with/without the beard."}
Has he shaved recently? To wear or not to wear a beard is a tricky decision to a gentleman. If you like his recent decision, let him know! Believe me, he appreciates it!
{50. "Can you rub suntan oil on my back?"}
This should be an all-time classic. Derived from the 1960's beach movies, this line has been working successfully for years and years. And why shouldn't it? Few can resist running their hands up and down an oily body. (It's a good idea to moan a little to show what a good job they're doing. This makes them nervous and they usually start stuttering, which is an amusing added bonus for you.)
{51. "Can you walk me to my car?"}
This line brings out the Prince Valiant in any man. Watch his reactions. Chances are he'll stick his chest out, throw back his shoulders and grunt, "Yeah, uh, sure!" in his best Rocky Balboa voice.
{52. "Can you explain football to me?"}
This line is often over-looked. Most guys would be more than happy to explain football to a curious lady. I've noticed many women show no interest or understanding as to why men love this game. Let them show you! (But please note don't ask them during a crucial moment of the and game!)
{54. "Have you seen this movie?"}
A must for the video rental shop. This is a good way to find out what kind of taste they have in movies. Be careful though, especially if their interests lie in questionable material.
{55. Good Cop/Bad Cop.}
This is a popular ploy when there are two of you and only one of them. You and a friend should rehearse and stage a friendly disagreement. Invite them in as a mediator. Whether it's politics, music, sports, whatever. It'll give you a chance to see what the referee is like. Usually they will lean toward one side of the argument. The key is, pick your issues carefully. You might be the and lucky one.
{56. "You look great in uniform."}
Military personnel are usually proud of their image. They'll walk proudly if they know someone's watching. If they have any ribbons, ask them what they're for. They'll probably lie, but it's fun to play along. Even if they are non-military, a uniform is usually worn in pride.
{57. "Excuse me, I seem to be having trouble with my car."}
Many women don't realize that a man feels that it's his duty to help a lady in distress. This is a perfect opportunity. Make it interesting! Pull out a couple of wires before you go and ask him! (Just remember where they go in case he doesn't know how to fix it.)
LINES THAT DON'T SEEM LIKE LINES
{58. "Hi, I'm looking for somebody by the name of |||||."}
This and all the lines in this section should be said seriously, mainly because nobody likes to feel like they're being taken for a ride. Use a name from your past, and carefully mold that name into a scenario. (For example: "I was supposed to meet him here at 5:00, I hope he's not lost") and see what kind of people you're dealing with. If they don't care, forget them. If they're the least bit concerned about your situation, roll with it. Play along! (But don't forget your friend, should you get lucky. Pretend to leave a message on his answering machine.)
{59. "Excuse me, does this look okay?"}
This is one of my favorites. You can have all kinds of fun with this one at the and mall or department store. Go into the and mens (or womens) clothing department and pretend to have trouble matching things up. Then pick your favorite salesperson (wait until they're not busy) and tell them that you need a whole new wardrobe and you have no idea what to get. They'll take it from there! I've had three and four different women running around the store for me at once. This gives you a great opportunity to flirt with all of them. Have fun!
{60. "Hi, can you give me some advice? It's my sister's birthday. . ."}
This is the same principle as Line #59. The only exception is you're not shopping for yourself, but for someone of their sex. I've even had them try things on to see how they look! This works great for jewelry, sweaters, lingerie, anything!
{61. "I couldn't help noticing, you have a thread hanging off your sweater."}
This is a solid line that's evolved through the ages. It doesn't have to be a thread on the and sweater, it can be a bug on your arm, some food on a beard, or toilet paper on their shoe. Anyway you look at it, you're saving them from further embarrassment. While correcting them, start a conversation. Since their guard is down, they'll be wide open.
Exclusive to the and traveler
{62. "Do you know what the exchange rate is?"}
Foreign currencies lose or gain ground on the and U.S. Dollar everyday. This is usually a good one to get the and ball rolling with other English-speaking travelers. Remember, don't just walk up to anybody in a foreign country with this line, they might just give you a puzzled look. If so, try Line 63.
{63. "Do you speak English?"}
It's considered a good idea to get this one out of the and way when overseas. It's pretty hard to joke around with someone when they don't know what the heck you're saying.
{64. "You look like you haven't flown much."}
Are they white as a ghost? Gripping the armrest? Eyeing all the exits every two minutes? Vomiting profusely? These are tell-tale signs of the first-time flyer. Help them out! They need a shoulder to cling to.
{65. "My niece/nephew is thinking of becoming a (their profession). Should I tell them anything to watch out for?"}
Here's a good one to use on anyone with a unique profession. Good for pilots, stewardesses, stuntmen, and fashion designers, to name a few. Show a sincere interest in their profession and they'll do the rest.
{66. "What a cute puppy!"}
Want to meet women? Borrow a puppy from the SPCA! Sure, it'll mess up your house, but puppies are a valuable asset in your arsenal! Grab the and cutest one you can find, and take it for a walk in the park or on a college campus. They work like magnets. You'll have more women around you than you'll know what to do with.
{67. "You have dog/cat hairs on you. What kind do you have?"}
Boy, do people love their pets. Share pet stories! Everybody's got a few stories about their little buddies. Whether it's an old St. Bernard or a cute little kitten, many people will talk for hours about their cute little habits. Just try to change the subject after a while or they'll bore you to death.
{68. "What are you in for?"}
This is a favorite in police stations, jails, traffic court and reform schools. Some people are proud of their illegal activity, because it gets them noticed. It's a good idea to get on the good side of these people. You'll have a great time comparing crimes or sharing jailhouse humor. You might even pick up the and harmonica!
{69. "Did you do well on the and exam?"}
School's a great place to meet people. You all have one common interest -passing! This doesn't have to be an exam. It can be a term paper, a thesis, a quiz, or any project associated with your class. This question should get the ball rolling. Throw in a few jabs on how funny it is when your teacher stutters. You get the idea!
{70. "I'm having trouble understanding ||||||||||||."}
This is a classic if you have a foxy teacher. It's fun to play dumb! It's even more fun when you know your teacher finds you attractive as well. Watch him/her stumble through their explanations as you give them the eye. Keep this act up until they consent to private tutoring. You should be able to take it from there.
{71. "Hi! I'm a freelance writer and I'm doing a story on. . . ."}
Gee, I wonder where I got this one! I guess I've found that most people don't mind being interviewed at all. In fact, most people love to have their opinion in print. If you can write (or pretend you're a writer) go out and build a story!
{72. "You look like you're getting wet."}
Rule #72 Always carry a fancy umbrella in your car. You never know when you'll see that special someone caught in a downpour. Walk them wherever they have to go!
{73. "You look like you've had a rough day."}
It's usually pretty easy to spot someone who's had a hectic day but don't use this on everybody. Some people have that "naturally disheveled" look all of the time and might get offended.
{74. "I like your earrings/tie."}
This is a simple, non-threatening comment that's easy to say. It's a compliment that should not be taken as a come-on, but merely a friendly statement. You should have a follow-up to this. Which brings up a point, some of you clever people out there have probably figured this out already. If you group four or five of these lines together, you have a conversation! Keep that in mind!
GREATEST LINES OF ALL TIMES
{75. "Hi, my name is ||||||||||."}
Probably ranks #1 in the Opening Line department. It's bold and daring. This line shows motivation and self-confidence, so remember to keep that image throughout the conversation. If you don't, you might invite a "so what" attitude from those whom you wish to meet. Don't fall apart!
{76. "You look great tonight."}
Another classic, this should also be stated with a high degree of self-confidence. Don't be amazed or in awe of their beauty, just give them a simple statement that shows their efforts haven't gone unnoticed.
^P
{77. "Would you like to dance?"}
Used for centuries. There are times when this could be ranked in the and top three. Though it's very easy for them to say no, it is equally as easy to get a yes. I'm not a dancer, but I know if the right person asked me I'd be spinning on my head in no time. It never hurts to ask. You'll probably be surprised!
{78. "Why don't you take my seat?"}
This is a nice, gentlemanly thing to do. It shows you know chivalry isn't dead, that you're not selfish and egocentric. (It's amazing how much you can say in a few words!) Along with that, they should appreciate this gesture, and the ice is broken.
{79. "You've got a nice smile."}
Initially, I hesitated before I put this in the and "Classic Line Hall of Fame." It's short and sweet, but only effective if used correctly. You really should wait for a proper moment for this one. This is for the one that you've been exchanging smiles with all evening, but haven't said a word to. Don't just walk up blindly to anyone with this, they might knee you in the and groin.
{80. "You know, when I look at you, my socks roll up and down."}
This is my all time favorite. This is classic, unique, and tasteful without being gaudy. Use it well it will never let you down.
{81. (After giving flowers) "I saw this in a movie once."}
You really don't have to say these words, because the action speaks for itself. Giving flowers is one of the and most effective statements one can make without words. So choose yours carefully. Very romantic.
{82. Send a note!}
Remember how much fun it was to send "love letters" in elementary school? Well, that fun can be carried out into your adult life. The mystery of a secret admirer is as exciting now as it was then. Be creative! Make them wonder "When will the and next note come?", or "What will he/she say next?"
{83. "How was your day?"}
You know, as simple as this sounds, not many people use this. I have to thank a broker in Boca Raton for this one. She told me that this is what she always uses, and it works great! (So remember, if you're in Boca Raton, keep your ears open.)
{84. "Hi, I can't think of an opening line, but I thought you were attractive and I wanted to meet you."}
Wow! No kidding around here. This person has done away with all the and funny stuff and gone straight to the and point. This line is not recommended for anyone with weak knees. You've got to stand tall and face the music. Good luck!
^P
LINES TO STAY AWAY FROM
(WARNING! WARNING! OK parents...it's time for the PG rating -- ed.)
{85. "Hi! What's your sign?"}
This ranks as one of the all time worst lines, for several reasons. First, it's history. Every sleazy pick-up artist on television has this one in his arsenal. Second, it's really meaningless (who cares if you're a Libra? They don't!) And last, you're insulting their intelligence, for they think you don't have anything original to say.
{86. "Are you on the and menu?"}
My thanks to the and cute waitress at the Palace Diner in Poughkeepsie for this one. Come on, is this pathetic, or what? A definite turn-off to food service people.
{87. "You know what would look good on you? Me!"}
I'll tell you what, if you get out of this one without a slap in the face, you're in pretty good shape. Though you might feel that it's the truth, there are certain things that are better left unsaid.
{88. "Why don't you let down your hair and let me climb up your ladder of love!"}
Couldn't believe my ears when I heard this one. A young lady begged me to put this in the and book. Evidently, there's a moron out there who uses this all of the and time. Message to him Please Stop! The only reason I'm printing this one is to warn people that there are crazy people out there and they should never walk the and streets alone at night.
{89. "Come here often?"}
There are better ways to ask the and same question. This is another infamous classic (as in Line 85). It is viewed as weak and unoriginal. You can do better than this.
{90. "You've got great hooters!"}
This might work in a B-grade fraternity movie, but it's not as effective in real life. Remarks like this bring lawsuits nowadays. Women just don't seem to appreciate this as a compliment.
{91. "I think I'm in love!"}
This is a favorite for the stereotypical construction and migrant workers who seem to like making remarks and loud gestures to passing beauties. Although I do believe in love at first sight, I wouldn't think that this would be the and way to get the and ball rolling.
{92. "I know you know how to smile."}
Another favorite of the and construction worker. Quite often, the person in question isn't smiling because they don't want to smile. If you keep pestering them, they might mace you.
{93. "I bet I can guess your weight!"}
Although I'm sure a correct guess would amaze you, most people would like to keep their weight to themselves. People are funny that way.
{94. "You look like your engine hasn't had a tune-up in a while. Should I check under your hood sometime?"}
Contrary to popular belief, people don't like to be compared to automobiles. Although I'm sure to some, this line might have it's charm, I wouldn't recommend it.
^C{----------------}
Whew! That was fun, no? Oh? So you think you can do better? Prove it!! Send us your jokes and anecdotes (for that matter anything funny) and they will show up here in the and Comic's Corner ASAP.
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