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╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ More of the great Top Ten lists from the City2City Top Ten ║
║ conference! These lists were posted between the period of ║
║ June 19-93 and July 19-93. ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ Moderator: Richard Platel ║
║ ║
║ Richard moderates from ACCESS MEDIA BBS at (416)825-8653. ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╔════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║ The C2C Top Ten text files are compiled by Sandy Illes. ║
║ ║
║ She can also be reached at ACCESS MEDIA BBS (416)825-8653. ║
╚════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝
╓────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────╖
║ Want to get in on the fun? Ask your Sysop to carry the C2C ║
║ Top Ten conference! The more, the merrier! ║
╙────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────╜
Index
-----
Top Ten Electric Chair Manufacturers.
Top Ten More Electric Chair Manufacturers.
Top Ten Songs Stompin' Tom Connors Never Wrote.
Top Ten Comics They Should Have Made.
Top Ten Silly Potential Names For New Diseases.
Top Ten Comic Titles.
Top Ten More Silly Names For New Diseases.
Top Ten Celebrities I'd Like To See On Hollywood Squares.
Top Ten Things Talking Barbie Couldn't Say.
Top Ten More Things Mattel Wouldn't Let Barbie Say.
Top Ten Reasons Aetna Won't Let Me Take Out A Policy On
General Aidid.
Top Ten Things Stompin' Tom Is More Canadian Than.
Top Ten Flames Designed To Bring Out The Worst In People.
Top Ten Computer-Related Phobias For The 90's.
Top Ten Buzzspeaks And What They Mean.
Top Ten Super Hero Or Villain Names.
Top Ten People Who'd Make Great Borg.
Top Ten More Super Hero Or Villain Names.
Top Ten Laws Of Selling.
Top Ten Best (Worst) Ways To Kill Wesley Crusher.
Top 26 Computerese Ways To Say That Someone Is "Slow."
Top Ten New Marketing Items That Will Contain SPAM.
Top Ten More Super Hero Or Villain Names.
Top Ten Real, Actual, Genuine Titles Of Popular Japanese
Comic Books Translated Into English.
Top Ten BBS Super Hero Names.
Top Ten Actual Real Names For A Group Of Animals.
Top Ten Future SPAM Movies You Can Look Forward To.
Top Ten TV Shows Inspired By SPAM.
Top Ten Things That Take Priority Over A Sysop's Computer.
Top Ten More SPAM TV Shows.
Top Ten Celebrities Kenneth Would Rather Not See Starkers.
Top Ten Things I Nearly Hit This Weekend (During A 2000 km
Road Trip).
Top Ten List Of Point System For Hitting Things While Driving.
Top Ten More Names For Super Heros Or Villains.
Top Ten Comics That Didn't Sell.
Top Ten Entertainers I Just Don't Get.
Top Ten Obnoxious Entertainers.
Top 3 Movies Written For Roseanne And Tom Arnold.
Top Ten Things My Users Want Me To Have.
Top Ten Things My Users Want From My BBS.
Top Ten Things I Want From My Users.
Top Ten Things I'd Like To Do To Some Of My Users.
Top Ten Things To Do When Users Get Really Annoying.
Top Ten Reasons To Buy Playboy.
TC2CTTCTTLOTW Winner Announcement.
Top Ten More Reasons To Buy Playboy.
Top Ten Reasons Why Richard Joined National Geographic.
Top Ten More Reasons To Buy Playboy.
Top Ten Reasons Sandy Likes The Smilie That Most Resembles
The Despised Happy Face.
Top 5 Things Pee Wee Herman Should Or Shouldn't Have
Done On That Fateful Night In Sarasota.
Top Ten Things It Means When Sandy Puts A :) In A Message.
Top Ten Reasons It Wouldn't Be A Good Idea To Spend An
Eternity On Gilligan's Island.
Top 5 Other Things Pee Wee Herman Should Have Done.
Top Ten Places Playboy Features That You'd Like To Visit.
Top Ten Things To Tell A Canadian Peacekeeper BEFORE
Leaving For UN Duty Overseas.
Top Ten Reasons Arm-Fall-Off Boy Was Rejected.
Top Ten Things It Means When Kenneth Puts A :-) In A Message.
Top Ten Worst Parts About Being Stranded On A Desert Isle.
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Users.
Top Ten Movie Titles For Monty Python.
Top Ten Reasons Skipper And Gilligan Chose To Bunk Together.
Top Ten More Ways To Annoy Users.
Top Ten Types Of Articles In Playboy.
TC2CTTCTTLOTW Winner Announcement.
Top Ten Insults.
Top Ten Knock-Knock Jokes.
Top Ten Places National Geographic Features That I'd Like
To Visit.
Top Ten Reasons Why It's Fun To Go To England.
Top Ten Reasons Spouses Shouldn't Be On The Same Conferences.
Top Ten Things Regular Contributers To C2CTTC Suffer From.
Top Ten More Reasons It's Fun To Visit England.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1101
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: NO
TOP TEN ELECTRIC CHAIR MANUFACTURERS
10: Zappo: When you want to be sure
9: IBM: They don't always work, but everyone uses them
8: Lay-Z-Boy: When you go, go in corfort
7: Craftsman: Garunteed to last the life of the user
6: Ronco: You've seen chairs lioke this for hundreds more
5: Sega: Welcome to the next level
4: Nintendo: *NOW* you're playing with power
3: Ontario Hydro: First ten zaps free with purchase
2: Acme: Nuff' said
1: Craft-Matic: Few of those "Heat massagers" malfunctioned
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: NONE
From: MICHAEL SZELLER Read: 06-21-93 (-Net-)
Top Ten Electric Chair Manufacturers
10. Dell Computer Corp. (Failed Model of New "Surround CPU" Line)
9. Canadian Medi-Chair (Defective Units of EZ-Lift Units)
8. State of Texas
7. EZ-Exercise of Baton Rouge
6. Kenmore (with Lifetime Warranty)
5. Sony Corp (Portable Battery Operated Unit)
4. Ace Novelty Company
3. US Department of Corrections
2. Government of Iran
1. General Electric!
To: RICHARD PLATEL Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: NO
Top Ten Songs Stompin' Tom Connors Never Wrote
10. I Break the Wind
9. Ottawa Saturday Night (Zzzzzzzzzzzz)
8. The Rangy-tangy, Orangutan Lady, Barbara McDougal
7. Ride the Train to Glory, the Premier Hatfield Story
6. Bud the Spud Rolls Over Lyin' Brian
5. Pass Me The Shiela, Mr. Crosbie (and have another
drink and go lie down)
4. You Might Think It's Goofy (but the Fisheries
Minister's a Newfy)
3. The Charlottetown Accordian Polka ("In Ottawa there is
no beer, that's why we come to Hull and drink it here!"
2. Whatcha' Doin' Wit' Dat Seal, Bridgette Bardot?
1. The Good Old Baseball Game ("It's the second best game
you can name")
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 06-21-93 (13:49)
TOP TEN COMICS THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE
10. Velcro Man
9. Swamp Thing Battles Septic Tank Thing
8. The Adventures of Chess-Piece Face
7. Cyndi Lauper vs. Prince
6. Nerds in Space
5. The Invasion of the Cootie Snatchers
4. Troglodyte Trolls from Toronto (part of the Alien
Aliteration Alliance series)
3. Godzilla vs. Barbara McDougal
2. The Thing In the Back of the Fridge
1. The Incredible Shrinking President Meets the
Cybilian Shepherds from the Planet Spandex 9
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 06-21-93 (14:05)
TOP TEN SILLY POTENTIAL NAMES FOR NEW DISEASES
10. The Dropsie-wopsies
9. The Left Handed Grip
8. Chauvinist Male Swine Flu
7. Stadium Concessionnaires' Disease
6. Lemon'n'lime Fever
5. The Goddidn'tmake Little Green Apples Tummy-ache
4. Sexually Transmitted Sneezes
3. Ushurgottanuglysis
2. Channel-Changer's Thumb
1. Newman's Aphasia (characterised by an irresistable
impulse to mention Cybil Shepherd while counting
backwards)
To: MICHAEL SZELLER Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: NO
Top Ten Comic Titles
10. The Duke of the Prunes
9. The Prime Minister of the Weevils
8. The Viceroy of the Dung Beetles
7. The MPP of the Maggots
6. The Prince of the Pupae
5. The Plenipotentary of the Praying Mantisses
4. The Count of the Cockroaches
3. The Fearless Leader of the Slugs
2. The Grand Imperial Wizard of the Pond Slime
1. The Earl of the Earwigs
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1113
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Silly Names For New Diseases:
10. Eyepokeitis. Symptoms: Someone pokes out your eye with a sharp
object that your mother warned you never to fool around with.
9. Version1itis. Symptoms: A fear of anything called version 1.0.
8. Zmodemphobia. Symptoms: A fear of new Zmodem updates.
7. Qwkitis. Symptoms: An insatiable desire for more and more QWK
packets.
6. Lamerphobia. Symptoms: A Sysop begins to fear that lamers are
haunting his board.
5. Piratimania. Symptoms: A modem user cannot resist the urge to
download commercial software whether he will actually use it or not.
4. Pepsiophagy. Symptoms: An insatiable desire to drink Pepsi while
using the modem late at night.
3. Mouseitis. Symptoms: Sore wrist due to excessive mouse usage.
2. Windowsphasia. Symptoms: An inability to resist using MS-Windows
even though common sense tells you it'll turn your 486 into an XT.
1. Uploadmania. Symptoms: Someone is unable to resist the urge to
rename all of the files on their hard drive and upload them to a
board for credit.
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1123
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Former Celebrities I'd Like To See On Hollywood Squares If It
Ever Comes On Again:
10. Dana Plato (without the gun though).
9. Danny Bonaduce (ditto).
8. Bart Simpson (heck, if they could bring Alf onto the show, why not
Bart?).
7. Claudine Longet (who shot the ski instructor, Spider Sabich).
6. Sonny Bono (because it makes me feel good to know that he's pining
away for Cher).
5. Margaret Trudeau (because Canadian scandal is as good as American
scandal).
4. Whats-his-name who played Willis on Different Strokes (without the
gun though).
3. Linda Blair (for the reason you cited).
2. Elvis (just to see if he's decomposing or not).
1. [ intentionally left blank for Kenneth to fill in ]
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 06-24-93 (11:49) HAS REPLIES
However..... if you might recall, there were some toy
makers a while back who got in trouble for teaching
Barbie how to say "math class is hard!" Apparently, that
was the least offensive thing they could think of. They
had a:
TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS EVEN THOSE NASTY CHAUVINIST DOLL
MAKERS DECIDED NOT TO HAVE BARBIE SAY
10. All I've had today is a half an orange and a Diet
Coke!
9. I can't type that - I broke a nail!
8. My favourite books are the Bible and the Cat in the
Hat! (honest, that was what the Playboy Playmate for Sept
92 said, I hear)
7. I've got Daddy's credit card!!!
6. $500 for an oil change? OK!
5. Really? I've never been backstage at a real rock
concert before!
4. Well, I guess you did pay for dinner....
3. I still like it when men hold the door for me!
2. Do you really think I have talent?
1. More tequila? For me?
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1126
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Things Mattel Wouldn't Let Barbie Say:
10. Anorexia can be fun - that's why I never eat.
9. Why are male dolls eunuchs?
8. Of course I'm a natural blonde!
7. I'd do anything to be in your rock video...
6. Did you really inherit a million dollars, lover?
5. Want to go for a ride in my Barbie-mobile?
4. The back seat is not so cramped.
3. Did you remember to buy condoms?
2. I read a book once.
1. Silicone is a girl's best friend.
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: NONE
From: DREW HASSELBACK Read: NO
How about an easy one? Top ten reasons why Aetna won't
let me take out a policy on General Aidid:
10. Too many outstanding parking tickets on family teknical.
9. Not enough fire extinguishers in armed compound.
8. Salesman couldn't translate "ga-zillion" into Somali for premium bill
7. Bought Freedom 55 policy from London Life thinking it was reduced sentence.
6. "Aidid, Aidid, I did taw a putty cat" (just couldn't resist, even
if it doesn't fit.)
5. Won't give up smoking ... villages, other warlords, aid workers, etc.
4. Sales rep suspicious of plane tickets to Waco, TX stuck on Aidid family
fridge
3. Phone lines down; Aidid can't call parents and exclaim, "Hey Dad! I bought
life insurance!"
2. Already bought Norwich Union policy thanks to witty and convincing TV ad.
1. "Aetna salesman? No thanks, we already ate Avon lady."
To: RICHARD PLATEL Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: NO
TOP TEN THINGS THAT STOMPIN' TOM IS MORE CANADIAN THAN
10. Complaining about Brian Mulroney and then re-electing
Mulroney for a second term even though you spent the
whole first term complaining about him.
9. A lunch consisting of "turkey roll" on mushy white
bread and smothered with gray, mucelagenous "gravy" out
of a can with some grainy mashed potatos out of a box and
some gray peas that came out of an industrial size tub
and have been simmering on the stove for two weeks,
washed down with a Molson Ex so cold it makes your teeth
hurt.
8. Driving over the border just for gas and cigs
7. Walking around in -30C and saying to your buddy,
"Geez, I could go for a cold one, eh?"
6. Thinking that Americans are upset that the Blue Jays
won the series and would have prefered Jane Fonda's team
to win.
5. Putting on a Black Sabbath T-shirt and spending all
afternoon at the donut shop.
4. Spending all that afternoon debating which was better:
Blood, Sweat & Tears or Lighthouse.
3. Eatin' pickled weenies and pulling Nevada card tabs
down at the Legion.
2. Going to Florida.
1. Going to a Chinese-Canadian restaurant on a Sunday and
ordering some rubber imitation cheeseburger and six "cold
ones" (and accidentally trying to eat the burger after
downing them all).
To: RICHARD PLATEL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Flames Designed To Bring Out The Worst In People:
10. You lack the minimum IQ to post in this conference.
9. Is your goldfish also retarded?
8. How many generations of inbreeding have led to this thing called
you?
7. Stupid is such a trite word - idiot describes you much more
accurately.
6. What did you get on your IQ test? Drool?
5. Please don't reply until you take your head out of your a**.
4. You could raise your IQ 20 points just by shutting your mouth.
3. You're not just wrong, you're stupid too.
2. It doesn't take an idiot to know one - heck, I know you!
1. You've got a 16.8bps mouth running with a 300k brain.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 06-29-93 (12:07)
TOP TEN COMPUTER RELATED PHOBIAS FOR THE NINETIES
10. Giphobia - fear of d/ling a graphic with a "hot"
sounding filename that turns out to be a naked picture of
a gender you're not attracted to.
9. Fbiphobia - fear that the lamer with the C64 whose been
bugging your board is really Carlos the terrorist and
intelligence agencies think you've been offering him a
safe haven.
8. Sexiphobia - fear that the SX machine you just bought
will be obsolete before you can drive home with it.
7. Happybirthdaytoyouphobia - fear that your hard drive
will at any moment burst into song.
6. Nochoicephobia - fear of recursive DEL C:\*.* Are you
sure? (Y/y)
5. Orphaniphobia - fear that you might have just bought a
computer from Radio Shack.
4. Justicehurtsphobia (pronouced "just desserts") - fear
some men have that whenever they log onto a system women
on other nodes will force them into on-line chats and
talk smutty to them.
3. BadREPphobia - the fear that people will think you are
"loose" because you will cheerfully send messages to
anyyone and everyone.
2. NoQWKphobia - the fear that the only message you'll
find at log-on will be "there are no new messages for you
in this or any conference, nor is there likely to be in
the near future so don't waste your time calling back in
a hurry."
1. Divorceophobia - fear that when your spouse says, "I'm
not kidding, honey, you gotta make a choice - either that
machine goes or I do!" you will inadvertently hesitate
that fatal half second before responding.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: (N/A)
TOP TEN BUZZSPEAKS AND WHAT THEY MEAN
10. Empowerment - we take power away from you and pretend
to give it to someone else.
9. Abusive sexual harrassment in a dating situation -
when a guy criticises his date's shoes. (according to a
Carlton University study on daterape)
8. Inclusion - we pretend to consult you before we go
ahead and do what we were going to do anyway and when you
don't like it we tell you you can blame yourself since
you were part of the process. Also known in the business
world as "Participatory Management" but in that case we
pay consultants $200,000 for it instead of giving you a
raise.
7. Process - when we waste a lot of time going through
the motions of including you and building a concensus
with you and then go ahead and do what we were going to
do anyway. Alternatively, process can refer to when we
haven't a clue what we're going to do but appoint a
commission to study it to make it look like we're doing
something and get you off our backs.
6. Concensus - when we've succeeded in getting you to
understand and accept that we're going to do whatever we
bloody feel like and you can either like it or lump it.
5. Marginalized people - anyone who isn't a white male.
4. False consciousness - when "marginalized" people
refuse to think the way we think they should based on
what they are.
3. Equal opportinity - when we make sure that people
don't have equal opportunity because some people need to
be more equal than others.
2. Job equity - when we make sure that even though the
unemployment rate for men in Thunder Bay is twice that of
women, women will receive hiring preference. When no men
have any jobs, equity will have been acheived.
1. Fiscal responsibility - when we spend like a drunken
sailor for years and then blame you for it.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: ERIK PEEK Read: 06-29-93 (12:21)
Top Ten Super Hero or Villain Names
10. Insulation Boy
9. Man
8. The Human Flea
7. Zot
6. PastePot Pete
5. Faucet Girl
4. Socko
3. Fortress Lad
2. Velcro, the Vampire
1. Arm Fall Off Boy
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1141
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten People Who'd Make Great Borg:
10. Alfred E. Neumann - What, me assimilated?
9. He-Man of the Universe - I have the powerrrrrrrrr of the
collectiveeeeeee!
8. Ronald McDonald - These burgers have been assimilated. What animal,
vegetable, or mineral they used to be is irrelevant.
7. Al Bundy - Oh great, now I'm an assimilated shoe salesman.
6. Sonny & Cher - I got assimilated, babe.
5. Brian (Mr. GST) Mulroney - Resistance is futile, your money will be
assimilated.
4. Stephen King - You will be assimilated in a most horrifying way.
3. Bugs Bunny - Nyah, what's assimilated, doc?
2. The Energizer Bunny - Resistance is futile.
1. Spike (from the Mazda MPV commercials) - Assimilate that cat!
Assimilate that cat! Darn those ABS brakes!
To: ERIK PEEK Refer#: 1143
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Super Hero or Villain Names:
10. ICBM Man.
9. Nuclear Warhead Man.
8. SCUDman.
7. Nuclear Meltdown Man.
6. Strategic Nuclear Arms Missile Man.
5. Atomic Blast Man.
4. Harrier Jet Man.
3. Insane Nerdman.
2. Badman.
1. Destructive Devil Man.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: (N/A)
"The Ten Laws of Selling".
1. If you dance with a grizzly bear, you'd better let him lead
(the law of "volunteering).
2. When putting cheese in the mousetrap, always leave room for
the mouse (the law of avoiding oversell).
3. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets (the
know-when-to-quit law).
4. Never accept a drink from a urologist (the law of common
sense).
5. There are days when no matter which way you spit, it's upwind
(the 1st law of reality).
6. When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last (the 2nd
law of reality).
7. Whatever it is that hits the fan, it will not be evenly
distributed (the 3rd law of reality).
8. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to
lose (the 4th law of reality).
9. Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster (the 5th law of
reality).
10. Reality is a crutch for those who can't cope with fantasy
(the law of goal-setting).
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: (N/A)
This message was from JAMES CLARK to ALL,
originally in conference SFFAN
Top 10 Best (Worst) Ways to Kill Wesley Crusher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes
stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell."
His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of
vomit.
9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock
the little snot around a bit."
7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a
detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the
control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has,
once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired and
commits suicide.
5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a
Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again
get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she
mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing
sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG,
Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Wesley. Wesley's head
explodes. Spock barely survives, spending the next several
days scratching himself and whining.
2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down
to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment
about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the
few.
1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble
stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even
an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: (N/A)
Top 26 Computerese Ways To Say That Someone Is "Slow":
* Forwarded from "Dr. Debug's Lab"
* Originally from John Kristoff
* Originally dated 06-19-93 14:03
$HOME = /dev/null.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A bad spot on the disk.
A couple of revisions behind.
A few bits shy of a word.
A loose chip on the microprocessor board.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Doesn't have all the pens in her plotter.
Had a head crash.
Has a few wait states.
Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
He parked his head and forgot where he left it.
He's reading from an empty disk
He's running at 300 baud
He's swapped out.
He's working with an unformatted disk
His memory is truly random-access.
His/her reset line is glitching.
In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Some bugs in his software.
Source code is missing a few lines.
To: DOUG COCHRANE Refer#: 32
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten New Marketing Items That Will Contain SPAM If This SPAMburgers
Ad Is Successful:
10. SPAMicide. Will scare sperm into turning back so the egg can't be
fertilized.
9. SPAMmer. Nails will hurl themselves into the wall rather than to be
hit with this horrifying object.
8. SPAMlet. Shakespeare's tale will take a new twist with the
introduction of this too-awful-to-even-think-about plot device.
7. SPAMton Pig. Tiny Toons will never be the same once Hamton Pig
metamorphoses into a terrifying monster.
6. SPAMburger Helper. Turn your SPAMburgers into something
unrecognizable so that people will eat them.
5. SPAMmerlock. Wrestlers will use this new hold to humiliate their
opponents. Spinoff toys will include the SPAMgods and SPAMmer-Mania.
4. SPAMmock. A hanging bed made entirely of SPAM.
3. SPAMpers. Mostly biodegradable diapers that smell terrible (but
who'll notice?).
2. SPAMster. A new pet that consists of a cross between a hamster and
SPAM. It will run on its wheel all night trying to forget what it
is.
1. SPAMmertoe. A malformed toe that is bent downwards caused by kicking
SPAM cans in an attempt to open them.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: MICHAEL SZELLER Read: 07-02-93 (13:30) HAS REPLIES
Okay, heres Yet Another Top Ten Super Hero or Villian Names:
10: Peek-a-boo Boy
9: Chinese Water Torture Girl
8: Mantra Man
7: Bhudda Boy
6: Mr. Clean
5: Magnificent Man
4: Grime Girl
3: Legion of Spandex
2: MiniMan
1: MailMergeMan
To: MICHAEL SZELLER Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: NO
TOP TEN REAL, ACTUAL, GENUINE TITLES OF POPULAR JAPANESE
COMIC BOOKS TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH
(source:_Manga! Manga! The World of Japanese Comics_)
10. Married Women's Love Thrills
9. Monkey Punch
8. Flesh Slave Dolls
7. Ascension to the Flower Garden of Worm-Eaten Taboos
6. Enema Rock Climbing
5. Perverted Flight of Love
4. Women! Live for Sacrificial Ripe Love
3. Lolita Complex ABC's
2. No-Panty Angels
1. Defiled Married Women
To: MICHAEL SZELLER Refer#: 1150
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
How about a Top Ten BBS Super Hero Names? :)
10. Zmodem Man... Trying to correct errors everywhere. Bad guys had
better watch their protocols!
9. Qmail Man... He'll corrupt your REP packets and send them into a
cyberspace void if you don't do everything right.
8. PCBoard Man... He'll keep adding features until the competition
whimpers off into the night.
7. PKZIP Man... His enemies are compressed until they're unable to
uncompress without a corrupted subpacket error.
6. ARJ Man... The nemesis of PKZIP Man, he'll do a better job but get
less publicity.
5. DOS6 Man... Bad guys will have caches written to their caches,
causing data corruption and loss. When he puts the boots to your
drive with Doublespace, there is no recourse but to surrender.
4. Lantastic5 Man... You won't know what hit you when your network
slows to a crawl.
3. Telemate411 Man... He carries the Butterfly virus and coughs in your
general direction.
2. Frontdoor Man... He'll do a good job but only if you can tell him
exactly what you want him to do.
1. Microsoft Man... He'll never admit that he was incompetent before,
yet continue to update himself.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: (N/A)
Now, direct from the _Collins Pocket Reference English Dictionary_:
THE TOP TEN ACTUAL REAL NAMES FOR A GROUP OF ANIMALS:
10: A Run of poultry
9: A Shewdness of apes
8: A Dryft of swine
7: A grist or swarm of bees
6: A desert of lapwings (does anyone know what a lapwing is?)
5: A nye or nide of pheasants
4: A Paddling of ducks
3: A knob of wigeon (wigeon anyone?)
2: A Skulk of foxes
1: A Cowardice of Curs
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1160
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Future SPAM Top Ten Movies You Can Look Forward To:
10. The Attack Of The Killer SPAM.
9. The SPAM That Ate Pittsburgh.
8. The SPAMinator. (Stolen straight from Rich in the main board, eh?)
7. SPAM Blanket Bingo.
6. SPAM Today, Gone Tomorrow.
5. SPAMsters Of The Universe.
4. The Return Of The Living SPAM.
3. Live Or Let SPAM.
2. SPAMfinger.
1. SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, And Eggs.
Top Ten TV Shows Inspired By SPAM:
10. SPAMmy Wynette Sings Your Favorite Country Tunes.
9. Jim And SPAMmy Bakker Go To The Air Conditioned Doghouse.
8. SPAM Malone Visits "Cheers."
7. SPAMantha Fox Sings Your Favorite Love Songs.
6. Yosemite SPAM Tries To Get That Rabbit.
5. SPAM The Sham And The Pharoahs Sing The Oldies.
4. The Fat Lady Sings "The Star SPAMgled Banner."
3. C-SPAM Presents.
2. SPAM and Tony Maselli (spinoff of "Who's The Boss").
1. [ conveniently left blank for Kenneth Newman to fill in ]
To: MARGIE LOWE Refer#: 1166
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
TOP TEN THINGS THAT TAKE PRIORITY OVER A SYSOP'S COMPUTER:
10. Pneumonia.
9. An alien invasion from space.
8. A crying baby with a dirty diaper that has thrown itself onto the
keyboard.
7. A gun pointed at your forehead.
6. A long distance collect call from Australia.
5. Breathing.
4. The marriage of your only child (with the photos to be converted to
256-color VGA GIF's later).
3. Cashing your paycheque.
2. Winning the lottery.
1. Nothing.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-06-93 (11:41) HAS REPLIES
┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ 2. SPAM and Tony Maselli (spinoff of "Who's The Boss"). │
│ 1. [ conveniently left blank for Kenneth Newman to fill in ] │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘
S*P*A*M'N'M*A*S*H, Fatal Attraction to SPAM, Total Recall
of SPAM, America's Funniest SPAM, The Ghost and Mrs.
SPAM, The SPAM Family Robinson (Lost in SPAM), My Mother
the SPAM, I Love SPAMmy, My Three SPAMs, Our Gal SPAM,
Green Acres of SPAM, The Girl with Some Extra SPAM, All
in the SPAMily.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-06-93 (11:42)
TOP TEN CELEBRITIES KENNETH NEWMAN WOULD RATHER NOT SEE
STARKERS IF HE HAD HIS DRUTHERS
10. Don Knotts
9. Joan Collins (whatever she thinks to the contrary)
8. Cher (I'm allergic to plastic)
7. Sarah Gilbert (I'd be willing to part with my life's
savings *and* my 1968 Ron Swoboda baseball cards rather
than endure a millisecond of her nude or otherwise)
6. kd lang (but we've discussed it amicably and it turns
out she doesn't want to see *me* naked, either, so we've
come to a mutually respectful agreement and understanding)
5. Smurfette (some things are better left unknown)
4. Madonna (the SPAM of naked women)
3. Demi Moore or her dipsomaniac mom or anybody related
to her (and that means you, too, Bruce!)
2. Michael Douglas (yeah, sure, I bet he calls 'em "love
handles" but they're still just giant pockets of adipose
bulk hanging off his bloated sides)
1. Cybil Shepherd (it would ruin everything)
BTW, did you know that there is a book out:
Hosoda, Craig, _The Bare Facts Video Guide: Where to Find
Your Favourite Actors and Actresses Nude on Videotape_,
1991. (ISBN 0-9625474-2-5)
Order from: The Bare Facts, P.O. Box 3255, Santa Clara,
California 95055-3255, U.S.A.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: MICHAEL SZELLER Read: 07-07-93 (11:36)
Top Ten Things I Nearly Hit This Weekend (During a 2000KM Road Trip).
10. Surly Gas Pump Attendant
9. Flock of Crows Eating Roadkill
8. Several Small Children (They're fast or I would not have missed!)
7. Dog
6. Moose (Whew!)
5. Some Guy in a Lexus testing his new Anti-Lock Brakes in front of
me
4. Some Vague Shape in the Fog
3. A Nasty Storm
2. Winnipeg
1. Lightspeed
To: MICHAEL SZELLER Refer#: 1172
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
The Point System For Hitting Things While Driving:
10. The curb - 5 points.
9. The car radio - 7 points.
8. A jogger - 15 points.
7. A jogger wearing a bright headband - 18 points.
6. A jogger singing along with his walkman - 20 points.
5. A surly gas pump attendant - 25 points.
4. A dog that's been chasing your car - 30 points.
3. A traffic cop - 35 points.
2. A jaywalker - 40 points.
1. A power walker - 50 points.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: ERIK PEEK Read: 07-08-93 (15:07)
Even 10 More Names For Super Heros And Villains!
10. The Living Boil
9. No-Pants Man
8. Mr. X-Ray-Spex
7. Flatulence Master
6. Pusboy
5. Rubber Band Flicker Kid
4. Annoy Boy
3. Trailer Park Mama
2. Paranoid Man
1. Incontinence Lass
To: ERIK PEEK Refer#: 1175
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Comics That Didn't Sell:
10. Betty And Veronica Fistfight Over Archie.
9. Donald Duck Discovers That He's Suffering From Anthropomorphism.
8. Uncle Scrooge Goes Broke.
7. TMNT Give Up Pizza After A Beer Bash.
6. How Casper The Friendly Ghost Died.
5. Wendy The Little Witch Becomes Evil.
4. Little Lulu Puts Tubby On A Diet Of Bread And Water.
3. Batman Runs Out Of Bat-Gadgets.
2. Star Trek: Captain Kirk Mutates Due To An Unknown Alien Venereal
Disease.
1. Star Trek: Captain Picard Tells A Bald-Headed Lie.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: JAMES ASHFORD Read: (N/A)
I'm just new at this top 10 stuff, so how about a top 1, hopefully
someone else can fill in positions 10 thru 9, but #1 is all mine.
Top 10 entertainers I just don't get.(i.e. I don't know why anybody
likes them.)
10. ?
9. ?
8. ?
7. ?
6. ?
5. ?
4. ?
3. ?
2. ?
1. Leonard Cohen
To: JAMES ASHFORD Refer#: 1177
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Obnoxious Entertainers:
10. Sonny Bono.
9. Tom Arnold.
8. Roseanne Arnold.
7. Wayne Newton.
6. Cher.
5. Tanya Roberts (former Charlie's Angel for those with mercifully
short memories)
4. 10 & 6 combined.
3. 9 & 8 combined.
2. Bruce Willis.
1. Zsa Zsa Gabor.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: 1182
From: JAMES ASHFORD Read: 07-11-93 (02:42)
I think I found 1 of my limitations in life; it looks like i'm a top 1-3
person, so here goes.
3 movies written for the Arnolds (Roseanne and Tom):
3. Wipeout At The Buffet
2. Terror At The Beach: The Arnolds Go Skinny Dipping
1. She's The Boss, He's The Stooge
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: BRIAN BUCHANAN Read: (N/A)
Top ten things my users want me to have:
10. More door games
9. More phone lines
8. More interesting confrences
7. More REGISTERED door games
6. More files
5. A faster computer
4. A scanner
3. Some common sense
2. Half a brain
1. The knowledge of what I am doing
Top ten things my users want from my BBS:
10. More fun
9. More files
8. More enlightenment
7. Some more jokes to add to their collection
6. Donating access without donating
5. Access to the user editor
4. Access to the Drop-to-DOS
3. Access to "Edit Any File"
2. SysOp Access
1. A GIF of me
Top ten things I want from my users:
10. Money
9. Money
8. Money
7. Files
6. Files
5. Files
4. Participation in the confrences
3. Participation in the confrences
2. Participation in the confrences
1. A GIF of them.
Top ten things I would like to do to some of my users:
10. Kill them
9. Pour acid on them
8. Run them over with a train
7. Cut them in half with a buzz saw
6. Introduce them to Jeffery Dahmer
5. Swap their 2400 baud modem for a 300 baud one
4. Erase their dialing directory
3. Hypnotise them and make them forget their passwords
2. Blow them to smitherines
1. Really Annoy them
To: BRIAN BUCHANAN Refer#: 1186
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Things To Do When Users Get Really Annoying:
10. Put on your asbestos underwear and flame them.
9. Wait until they're 2k away from completing a 400k file download at
2400 baud, then reboot the system.
8. Catch them in Sysop chat mode, then go take a bath or learn Latin.
7. Drop their security until the only things they can do are logon and
logoff.
6. Set your comm program on "Annoy" and call their houses at 3:00 a.m.
5. Let them drop to DOS where you have setup the format command to send
two zillion volts up their patooties.
4. Change their logon passwords.
3. Change their logon names.
2. Post their phone numbers as really hot XXX-rated boards with no
ratios. (Let others do the nuisance calling... heh!)
1. Call the SPA and report them as pirates.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: 1185
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: 07-14-93 (16:58)
Top Ten Reasons To Buy Playboy:
10: To get funny looks from other people in the store
9: To take to the dentists, and leave in the waiting room
8: To fold up and place under a wobbly desk
7: To get the gift subscription card, and get one for the local
church
6: Chance to show off your I.D. (To the cashier)
5: For the Articles
4: For the Classifieds
3: Use your colour scanner, upload with description "GIF of the
Sys-op's daughter" (Eh, Sandy?)
2: Shock your grandmother
1: Find out "Tarcie's" Hobbys and interests.
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: (N/A)
ALRIGHT, so it's been a while! So sue me!
Anyways, here's our winner for the past little while, and I promise,
I'm back on track and will be posting winners weekly now. Michael
won this time, mostly because I could completly emphasize with this
list.
─ Area: C-Top Ten ─────────────────────────────────────────────────────
Msg#: 1091 Rec'd Date: 06-17-93 01:00
From: Michael Szeller Read: Yes Replied: No
To: Sandy Illes Mark: Save
Subj: TOP TEN AD NAUSEAM :)
───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
I used to collect all kinds. Pretty much the entire line of Marvel's
and DC's and many "Alternate" books. I had to stop for 10 main
reasons.
10. Tired of fighting munckins for latest issue of TMNT
9. Comics in my "box" at store now occupying several "boxes"
8. Account at comic store beginning to do national debt imitation
7. Kept getting strange looks from "Hot Babes" in bars when I
asked them if they wanted to come up and see my Superman
Collection.
6. Multiple Spiderman titles too confusing
5. Disappointed that "Dazzler" issues not gaining in value
4. Too hard to explain to guests why "Little Fred" can't read some
of my comics while we eat dinner
3. Developed feeling that I was being stalked by Super Villian
2. Kept waking up with craving to dress in Spandex
1. Running out of Room, unwilling to rent 2nd apartment for
collection!
____________________________________________________________________
Also, a special mention goes to new poster ** for a list that was not
only short and to the point, but, politically relevant and socially
important too.
─ Area: C-Top Ten ──────────────────────────────────────────────────-
Msg#: 1177 Date: 07-09-93 02:40
From: James Ashford Read: Yes Replied: No
To: All Mark: Save
Subj: new blood
─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
I'm just new at this top 10 stuff, so how about a top 1, hopefully
someone else can fill in positions 10 thru 9, but #1 is all mine.
Top 10 entertainers I just don't get.(i.e. I don't know why anybody
likes them.)
10. ?
9. ?
8. ?
7. ?
6. ?
5. ?
4. ?
3. ?
2. ?
1. Leonard Cohen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard Platel
Moderator C2C Top Ten Conference
Lunatic
Ph.D. of Boxer Shorts
B.A. of Soda Pop
Genius
Member of the National Geographic society since 1989
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-14-93 (17:03)
Top Ten Reasons To Buy Playboy:
10. Hef has a very expensive Geritol and Ginseng habit
and desperately needs the money.
9. Those cute little lists of turn ons and turn offs that
they write for the Playmates and then make them rewrite
in their own handwriting are just adorable, especially if
they dot their i's with little hearts and put in smiley
faces. :-) If you've ever been curious what it's like to
have a lobotomy but didn't have the nerve to go through
with the operation, it gives you a rough idea.
8. You can spend hours and hours looking for little
subliminal pictures of skulls and the word DEATH in the
ice cubes in scotch, bourbon and vodka ads.
7. You get to see lots of nifty stereo equipment listed
at double the price you'd be willing to pay.
6. You can read the jokes page ("Our Unabashed Dictionary
defines a Moron as someone who likes to look at
airbrushed photos of girls with Less On") so that when
your local office bore starts to retell one you can
interrupt with "Hey, I've heard that and you stole it
from Playboy."
5. Exporting girls from Canada to the Playboy's Chicago
stockyards, er....mansion, is a major industry bringing
much-needed hard currency into the economy so buying a
copy is a patriotic act. Plus they are the only people to
have hired Newfoundlanders in ages, such as Shannon Tweed
and her sister, thus taking a weight off our welfare
rolls. Perhaps our PM could be coaxed into expressing our
nation's gratitude by agreeing to never again be
photographed in the buff even if she is holding a robe in
front of her.
4. The articles, such as "the", "an", "that", etc.
3. Some of the cartoons are almost as good as in the New
Yorker.
2. The staples are solid enough to hold hundreds of pages
together yet are lightweight and so small that they do
not attract attention to themselves - a marvel of
engineering!
1. For most readers, it's the only way they'd ever get to
see what a naked woman looks like. However, given the
elaborate lighting, makeup, wardrobe and the ubiquitous
aribrushing, they still don't get to see what a naked
woman looks like.
To: RICHARD PLATEL Refer#: 1193
From: JAMES ASHFORD Read: NO
Top 10 reasons why Richard (don't call me Dick) Platel joined National
Geographic:
10. He liked the shiney pages
9. a gift from grandma
8. to impress the babes
7. "look at the pretty pictures, mama"
6. thought he was joining National Gardener
5. "it's so heavy, it must be good"
4. he could pay through the installment plan
3. he knows he'll get at least 1 piece of mail per
month
2. makes him feel like a big shot to officially be
part of a society
1. two words, BARE BREASTS
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1195
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Reasons To Buy Playboy:
10. To prove to all the other 7th graders that you know what breasts
look like.
9. So you and everyone else in the world can know what Hugh Hefner's
wife looks like naked.
8. To get professional advice from the Playboy Advisor.
7. To read lame jokes.
6. So you can find out if anyone else besides Jimmy Carter "lusts in
his heart."
5. To read celebrity gossip that's not more than 6 months old.
4. To read movie reviews that aren't more than 6 months old.
3. Just to read the masthead.
2. They might interview Stephen King again.
1. It's still cheaper than a night at the movies with an actual girl.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-15-93 (11:41) HAS REPLIES
TOP TEN REASONS WHY SANDY ILLES LIKES THE SMILIE THAT
MOST RESEMBLES THE DESPISED HAPPY FACE
10. Because she has a sadistic streak a mile wide and is
really Ilsa the She-Wolf of the TOPTEN conference!
9. It makes her think whistfully of the Carpenters
singing "Close to You".
8. Because it's her way of telling the world to Have A
Nice Day, Eh?
7. Because the "-" key on her keyboard is broken.
6. Because she was brutally attacked by noses as a child
and can't bear to look at them today in any form.
5. Because she's using one of the early Apples and it
comes with a special Happy Face key.
4. Because there's no way to draw a smiling, friendly
mime with ASCII and this is the next best thing.
3. Because she's able to save over 10,000 keystrokes a
year that way and last year was able to trade them in for
a trip to Hawaii.
2. Because it keeps people guessing.
1. Because she refuses to conform to convention and is
delightfully wacky in a non-threatening way, i.e. "I like
the Sprite in you!"
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: 1199
From: JAMES ASHFORD Read: 07-15-93 (12:11)
Somehow, I feel a Pee Wee Herman list brewing.
5 things Pee Wee Herman should, or should not have done that fateful
night in Sarasota: (to be censored by our fearless moderator of course)
5. he should have worn his #2 trenchcoat, the one with the deep, deep
pockets
4. he should have had a v8 instead
3. he should not have cared and tried to prove wrong the person who
called him Pee Wee
2. he should have said that he was on a fact finding mission for his
next movie "Pee Wees really big adventure"
1. he should not have said to the arresting officers: "Paul Reubens is
my real name, but you might know me better as Pee Wee Herman"
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1206
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Things It Really Means When Sandy Puts A :) In A Message:
10. "This is only a joke and anyone who takes it seriously deserves to
be beaten unconscious with a strand of cooked spaghetti."
9. "I'm having a nice day regardless..."
8. "Lame flames won't get blamed on this dame."
7. "I'm too lazy to make a more elaborate happy face so this one will
have to do."
6. "My artistic skills disappear around a computer."
5. "This generic happy face invites you to have a nice day or kiss my
a**."
4. "I am echomail literate."
3. "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and I'll ignore you."
2. "I've been reading Kenneth Newman's funny messages again."
1. "Greetings from the Smile-light Zone."
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1207
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Reasons It Wouldn't Be A Good Idea To Spend An
Eternity On Gilligan's Island:
10. There's something creepy about those people having brought all their
belongings on a 3 hour tour.
9. All those coconut cream pies Mary Ann makes will give you gas.
8. The Skipper might start finding you attractive.
7. Mrs. Howell might start finding you attractive.
6. The professor can't be trusted. How else to explain his ability to
build everything but a boat on which they could escape?
5. Too many natives who won't let you share their boats.
4. They were standed due to a CIA plot and LSD is more than likely
involved.
3. When they run out of coconuts, they'll start looking at you and
wondering how you'd taste as pork chops.
2. Your career would take a nose dive and you'd be forgotten as soon as
the series was cancelled.
1. You might become the central figure in a human sacrifice cult.
To: JAMES ASHFORD Refer#: 1210
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Other Five Things Pee Wee Should Have Done:
10. Rented a video instead of going to the cinema.
9. Invited a Pee Wee groupie over to his house for the evening.
8. Not groaned.
7. Claimed, when caught, that he was conducting a social experiment.
6. Claimed, when caught, that he was checking his body for leaks.
JA> 5. he should have worn his #2 trenchcoat, the one with the deep,
JA> deep pockets
JA> 4. he should have had a v8 instead 3. he should not have cared and
JA> tried to prove wrong the person who called him Pee Wee
JA> 2. he should have said that he was on a fact finding mission for his
JA> next movie "Pee Wees really big adventure"
JA> 1. he should not have said to the arresting officers: "Paul Reubens
JA> is my real name, but you might know me better as Pee Wee Herman"
There... now it's a complete Top Ten list! :)
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: 1214
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: 07-16-93 (11:14)
Top Ten Places Playboy Features That You'd like to Visit
10: Another dimension
9: A dimension not only of sight and sound
8: Where no man has gone before
7: Inside the world's emptiest minds (echo-echo-cho-ho-o)
6: there is NO number six
5: A place where WE control the horizantal, and the vertical
4: Marrrrrrrrrrrrburlo country
3: The place where that cammel hangs out
2: Inside the mind of people such as Ted Kennedy, and Stephen King
1: The comics Page!
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: TIM GROULX Read: (N/A)
I've been reading and enjoying these `Top Ten' messages for a
couple of months now, but I'm begining to feel like a `lurker' by
not having much to contribute, sooo...
Let me explain by saying I am a Captain in the Canadian Forces
Reserves. Our Regiment had 17 militia men & women in Croatia
with the United Nations Protection Force (UNPROFOR) on the last
six month rotation and we have 12 more over there right now. So
here is my `Top Ten' list of things to tell a young peacekeeper
BEFORE leaving for UN duty overseas:
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are;
9. A `combat-ready' unit has never passed inspection;
8. After you pull the pin, Mr Grenade is NOT your friend;
7. Recoiless rifles - aren't;
6. The easy way is always mined;
5. An `inspection-ready' unit has never passed combat;
4. If the enemy are in range - so are YOU;
3. Tracers work both ways;
2. Friendly fire - isn't; and
1. Incoming fire always has the right-of-way!
I hope you enjoyed this advise and don't find military humor
too strange. If you would like to write to our Peacekeepers, you
can send your letters or post cards to this CANADIAN address:
Any Canadian Soldier
2nd Battalion, PPCLI
Operation Harmony, CCUNPROFOR
CFPO 5003
Belville, Ontario
K0K 3R0
To: ERIK PEEK Refer#: 1219
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Reasons Arm-Fall-Off Boy Was Rejected:
10. He wasn't HANDy enough.
9. Two HANDs are always better than one.
8. He wasn't HANDsome enough.
7. He was too much of a HANDful.
6. They said, "You can beat us??? You and what ARMy?"
5. Not enough deodorant on his ARMpits.
4. He was a reject from the Salvation ARMy.
3. He also only had one eye.
2. Was in dire need of a brain transplant to raise his intelligence to
a moron.
1. With a name like that, he would never be able to cash in on
merchandising.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-17-93 (11:46)
TOP TEN THINGS IT MEANS WHEN KENNETH NEWMAN PUTS A ;-) IN
A MESSAGE
10. Please don't hurt me.
9. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know wuttamean? know
wuttamean?
8. I'm too lazy to hit the shift key and make it a ":"
7. Running and ducking.
6. I gotta nose and I don't care who nose it.
5. What I just said was so potentially dangerous that I'm
not going to trust your own discerning abilities to tell
if it was a joke or not.
4. What I just said was potentially dangerous and wasn't
a joke but because I put this ;-) after it you can't hit
me and have to just sit there turning red as a beet while
smoke comes out both your ears like in some old cartoon.
3. I'm not sure whether that was a joke or not but I'm
not taking any chances.
2. My lawyers advised me to cover my butt in case of
future legal action so I can show without doubt that by
adding a ;-) at the end of the sentence or paragraph I am
not to be held responsible for its contents.
1. I'm showing off how educated I am by using a
semi-colon.
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-17-93 (11:59)
TOP TEN WORST PARTS ABOUT BEING STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLE
10. The only time the radio works you hear reports about
how people you don't like are having tremendous success
in your field while you're away, thus sending you into a
fit of depression unless your friends throw you a suprise
party at which you can do a lame Marilyn Monroe imitation.
9. Coconut snifters might be fine for brandy or pina
coladas but they're useless for Scotch.
8. You can never really relax when you know that with a
great big island, lots of real estate and plenty of
thatching materials the Skipper and his "little buddy"
still prefer to bunk together.
7. The hottest babe around is only impressed by guys with
lots of money and you now live in a cashless society.
6. Minor character actors constantly float into your
incredibly calm lagoon but never stay long enough for you
to rob them or turn them into a "luau long-pig."
5. Ten thousand miles from civilisation and the class
structure still exists with those uppity Howells.
4. Bamboo cars tend to fall apart real easy and you can't
get a warranty on them.
3. Chimpanzees are likely to sneak into your encampment
and steal things, sowing seeds of distrust and dissension
among your fellow castaways.
2. You know that the funnier you are and the more people
like you, the longer you are doomed to stay there.
1. You won't get off until twenty years after you go into
syndication.
To: BRIAN BUCHANAN Refer#: NONE
From: CAREY SHIBATA Read: NO
Top Ten ways to annoy users:
10. Chat with them
9. hang up the modem so you can call out
8. keep the lines busy so you can play Comanche Max Overkill
7. adjust their time every 5 seconds
6. make screwed up ANSI logon & logoff screens
5. put 10 welcome screens on the 2400 bps line
4. give cheesy CGA/EGA games really good descriptions to make them
waste their download bytes.
3. run a slow on-line virus & integrity checker
2. date all the files 12-30-99
1. make them donate
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1227
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Movie Titles For Monty Python:
10. The Spam That Ate Pittsburgh.
9. The Meaning Of Strife.
8. The Holy Mail (dedicated to Canada Post).
7. The Holy Flail (dedicated to D&D players).
6. The Holy Shirt (dedicated to people who hardly ever do laundry).
5. Monty Python's Flying Psoriasis (dedicated to flaky fans).
4. The Life Of Brian (dedicated to the despised Mulroney).
3. The Life Of Crime (dedicated to everyone who thinks it doesn't pay).
2. Sleeping Parrots Don't Die.
1. There is no number one.
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1228
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Reasons Skipper And Gilligan Chose To Bunk Together:
10. Fearful that the men will revolt.
9. Fearful that the women will be revolting.
8. No teddy bears on the island.
7. Afraid of the dark.
6. Afraid of the light.
5. Little known fact: Skipper has to sing Gilligan to sleep.
4. Little known fact: Gilligan has to scratch Skipper's back.
3. Chronic paranoia regarding the Professor.
2. Mary Ann and Ginger refused to bunk with them.
1. Not enough sight gags if they bunk separately.
To: CAREY SHIBATA Refer#: 1231
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Ways To Annoy Users:
10. Use PKZIP 2.04g with Qmail so their messages will never be inserted.
9. Shut down your board whenever you go away for the weekend.
8. Put options on the menu that they can't access.
7. Make them post messages to be able to download files.
6. Offer a lot of door games, none of which actually work.
5. Edit the messages they leave to make them more incriminating.
4. Whenever they have a problem, say, "It must be something on your
end."
3. Leave lots of generic messages that they have to read.
2. Turn all of your bulletins into welcome screens.
1. Allow them to see, but not download, the new files.
To: RICHARD PLATEL Refer#: NONE
From: MICHAEL SZELLER Read: NO
Mike's Top Ten Types of Articles in Playboy!
10: 20 Questions interviews
9: Vietnam Advisor
8: Men
7: Women
6: The Playboy Interview
5: Short Stories
4: Investigative Journalism Reports
3: The Playmate Interview
2: The Year In Sex
1: Sex Stars of 1993
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: RICHARD PLATEL Read: (N/A)
Well, this here conference is really moving now, and it was
particuarly hard to choose this week's winner. I had to turn down
lists about SPAM, and how sysops annoy users (and vice versa), but
here's our winner. Remember, two of the criteria for a winning Top
Ten, are that it must be topical, and make me squirt milk out of my
nose (from laughter, of course), this list fufilled both brilliantily!
─ Area: C-Top Ten ──────────────────────────────────────────────────────
Msg#: 1218 Date: 07-16-93 01:00
From: Tim Groulx Read: Yes Replied: No
To: All Mark: Save
Subj: ADVICE TO PEACEKEEPERS
────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────
Hi Everyone:
I've been reading and enjoying these `Top Ten' messages for a
couple of months now, but I'm begining to feel like a `lurker' by
not having much to contribute, sooo...
Let me explain by saying I am a Captain in the Canadian Forces
Reserves. Our Regiment had 17 militia men & women in Croatia
with the United Nations Protection Force (UNPROFOR) on the last
six month rotation and we have 12 more over there right now. So
here is my `Top Ten' list of things to tell a young peacekeeper
BEFORE leaving for UN duty overseas:
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are;
9. A `combat-ready' unit has never passed inspection;
8. After you pull the pin, Mr Grenade is NOT your friend;
7. Recoiless rifles - aren't;
6. The easy way is always mined;
5. An `inspection-ready' unit has never passed combat;
4. If the enemy are in range - so are YOU;
3. Tracers work both ways;
2. Friendly fire - isn't; and
1. Incoming fire always has the right-of-way!
_____________________________________________________________________
Remember, keep me busy and you keep me off the streets, so keep those
Top-Tens comming!
Richard Platel, Moderator C2C Top Ten Conference
(They make me say that)
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: (N/A)
Top Ten Insults:
10. He has so many things on his mind, there's no room for any brains.
9. He doesn't have a better idea, just a louder voice.
8. Greedy? He's a human gimmee pig!
7. Other than the police, no one is really interested in him.
6. His home is free of mice and cockroaches - they refuse to live in
the same place as him.
5. You can always tell when he's lying - his lips are moving.
4. He's so dumb, the stork that brought him should have been arrested
for smuggling dope.
3. Hey blockhead, would you mind reaching into your head and getting me
a handful of sawdust?
2. I've had a wonderful time - but this isn't it.
1. Help reduce air pollution - stop breathing!
To: ALL Refer#: NONE
From: SANDY ILLES Read: (N/A)
Top Ten Knock-Knock Jokes:
10. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juana.
Juana who?
Juana improve your looks? Wear a mask!
9. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan an infectious disease - please come closer.
8. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Boyer.
Boyer who?
Boyer not much in the brains department!
7. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Frank Lee.
Frank Lee who?
Frank Lee, your face is enough to make a rock bleed.
6. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wynott.
Wynott who?
Wynott leave your brain to science? Maybe they can find a cure for
it.
5. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Java.
Java who?
Java great head on your shoulders. Too bad it's not on your neck.
4. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Mustard bean.
Mustard bean who?
You mustard bean a big surprise to your parents. They expected a boy
or a girl.
3. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Czar.
Czar who?
Czar are all kinds of people in this world. Too bad you're not one
of them.
2. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Celeste.
Celeste who?
Celeste time I saw someone with a face like yours, I threw it a
fish.
1. Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke at you! Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: TIM GROULX Read: 07-19-93 (12:11)
Top Ten Places National Geographic Features That I'd Like To Visit.
10: that under-ocean national park off the east coast of
Florida;
9. the imperial tomb in the dessert of China with the hundreds
of clay life-sized statues of soldiers;
8. the Great Barrier Reef;
7. the Burgundy wine making area of France;
6. the temples of Cambodia (AFTER the UN leaves);
5. Kilimanjaro;
4. the Imperial Palace, Tokyo;
3. the Imperial Summer Palace outside Bejing (even after the
English destroyed it during the Opium Wars);
2. Edinburgh - the Royal Mile and the Tatoo; and
1. (do I have to stop dreaming now?)
To: SANDY ILLES Refer#: NONE
From: KENNETH NEWMAN Read: 07-19-93 (12:20)
I took my wife to England once because she wanted to see
Dorking. She also kept wanting to go to the Golden Egg to
see if they really had Faggots for sale. As for me
personally, I'm irresistably attracted to the gelatin you
find on three week old pork pies that they serve on Brit
Rail and the five micron-thick sandwiches made with the
finest available green ham. That and the excitement of
watching pasty-faced gits who think they are superior to
me hack phlegm all over the sidewalk. In fact there are
ten more reasons why we love England:
TOP TEN REASONS WHY IT'S FUN TO GO TO ENGLAND
10. After CBC, TVO, and PBS try to convince us that
English TV is so much better it's great to watch an
entire nation shut down every day to watch such delights
as Crossroads, Coronation Street and Jim'll Fix it.
9. In a nation that invented modern agricultural science
everybody plants their crops and gardens according to
when some fictional characters on a radio show called The
Archers do it.
8. Even the rich people are poor and cringe when you
light cigars with a one pound note.
7. Everybody puts down North America but when you get 'em
alone you find their secret fantasy is to go to Las
Vegas.
6. The motorcycle gangs ride mopeds.
5. They have really stupid place names which they
mispronounce.
4. People actually say such things as "at least Margaret
Thatcher made the trains run on time."
3. They have all sorts of looney organisations run by
upper class mental defectives to do things like "Save the
maggot!" and "Ban the broom"
2. They look down on anyone who wasn't sent to an
expensive homosexual training camp for boys as a child.
1. They make you appreciate being a North American.
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: NONE
From: JAN PERKINS Read: NO
Hmmm - How about Ten reasons why spouses shouldn't be on the
same conferences?
10. They might learn all sorts of things about their other half
that they really *didn't* want to know.
9. They might learn all sorts of things about their other half
that the other half *didn't* want them to know.
8. They might decide to act on the revelation that all those
heart-throbs really are heterosexual.
7. They might leave public gooy, loving messages to spousiekins.
6. They might leave public berating, non-loving messages to yoke
-sharer.
5. They might begin to question the large orders spouse has been
placing for lettuce and jello / rhubarb and butterscotch.
4. They might write polite little "set the record straight"
messages to "all" to clarify spouses' messages
3. They might begin to substitute cyberland interaction for live
interaction .... naah - scratch that one
2. Spouse might return home some day to find partner on a bed of
lettuce and jello
1. Spouse might discover that the lettuce and jello trick only
works for Sybil Sheppard.
To: TIM GROULX Refer#: 1243
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten Things Regular Contributers To The C2CTTC Suffer From:
10. Delusions of humour.
9. Brief attacks of sanity.
8. More perspiration than inspiration.
7. Brain rumours.
6. Obsession with the number ten.
5. Dandruff.
4. Headaches.
3. Jock itch.
2. PMS.
1. The belief that laughter is the best medicine.
Three guys go into a restaurant: a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New
Jersey.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you can't
order steak."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's steak?"
The guy from New Jersey says, "What's excuse me?"
To: KENNETH NEWMAN Refer#: 1248
From: SANDY ILLES Read: NO
Top Ten More Reasons It's Fun To Visit England:
10. Pub bombings add a little excitement to your vacation.
9. It's fun translating dollars into pounds, and pounds into stones.
8. People say things like, "It cost me a nominal egg." (When you get
home, you realize they meant "an arm and a leg.")
7. Two words: Cheap beer.
6. It's a nice change for North Americans to drive on the wrong side of
the road and not get arrested.
5. You have 0 chance of getting caught in a police shootout since they
don't carry guns.
4. It increases your chance of being trampled at a soccer game.
3. They have slot machines everywhere.
2. You haven't lived until you've eaten blood sausage. (Ewwwww!)
1. You can't see wallpapered ceilings in North America.
