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                             Net Jokes

This file contains the first two chapters of "Net Jokes", a book composed of
jokes gathered from the Usenet and Internet. If you like the jokes, you can
purchase the book in paperback form by mail - see the ordering info at the
end of this file.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Net Jokes
written by
Larry Landwehr
Copyright 1993


Forward:

A friend of mine, named Carl, had to spend some time in jail
recently because of a serious traffic accident. Time, as it usually
does in such circumstances, dragged by very slowly for him. I was
trying to think of some way to break up his boredom when it
occurred to me that sending him some jokes might do the trick. The
problem was in finding a steady supply of jokes. It was at this
point that I remembered the USENET.

There is a computer network, called the Internet, which links
computers together. It's a world wide network which spans the
entire planet, connecting computers together via high speed
telephone lines, undersea cables and satellites in outer space.
It's huge, it's unique, it's one of the most amazing things that
the human race has ever created.

The Internet was created to allow computers to exchange data. But
as with many significant inventions (such as the car), the social
changes it has brought about in human activity have become at least
as important as its original intended function. Besides just
allowing the transfer data between machines, the Internet also
allows the transfer of information between people.

Almost from the very beginning people have used the Internet to
exchange electronic mail with each other. Soon afterward they
started wanting to share some of their mail with a wider audience
- probably because someone sent them a good joke (I'm serious, look
at what people fax each other). Programs were soon written that
were able to receive electronic mail messages and store them away
in a database. People could read the messages that these databases
contained and thus stay in touch with each other. The next step was
to have these database programs communicate with each other via the
Internet and have them exchange mail back and forth. Thus was born
the Usenet network which is where most of the jokes in this book
came from.

Every day a new pile of jokes awaits the lucky person with Usenet
access. Jokes from around the world. Jokes that spread like
wildfire. Good jokes. Bad jokes. Horrible jokes. Offensive jokes.
Jokes that don't make sense. Jokes that are the 99th variation of
one original joke. Comments about jokes. Criticisms of jokes.
Diatribes against jokes. Mounds and piles of messages about jokes.
All because anyone who wants to post a message on the Usenet can do
so. No one is in control. Most of the Usenet is total anarchy.
Anything goes, and it usually does. The Usenet has to be one of the
few places of social interaction where anarchy rules, and it works.
It's a fascinating place.

Buried in that mound of material are a few choice nuggets of high
grade jokes. My self-imposed task was to mine this pile searching
for those few nuggets that I could send to Carl.

Some of the jokes that I sent on to Carl were so good that I wanted
to remember them, so I started saving them into files on my
computer's disk drive. As time went by, the collection grew.
Eventually it dawned on me that other people, especially those
without a Usenet account, might like to read these jokes too. Thus
the idea for this book was born.

Please be warned that some people may find some of the jokes in
this book to be a little offensive. They came from a source that
was born into anarchy and where censorship is a dirty word. I knew
these jokes would be passed around in jail. Therefore my original
intended audience was not of the kind that is known for following
rules or paying homage to social conventions. Lastly, all the jokes
in this book had to pass through the filter of my own sense of
humor. If I didn't think they were funny, they didn't make it to
Carl or into this book. Some people might say that I am ultimately
responsible for the jokes in this book, but I plead temporary
insanity.

Larry Landwehr
January 1993


Table of Contents:

Animal jokes...........................  5
Other country jokes.................... 15
Ethnic jokes........................... 26
General jokes.......................... 35
Lawyer jokes........................... 50
The news............................... 58
Other occupations...................... 66
One liners............................. 69
Political jokes........................ 87
Question and answer jokes.............. 90
Religious jokes........................104
Sex jokes..............................117
Texas and cowboy jokes.................137
True stories...........................142
Big jokes..............................148
Appendix...............................165


Animal jokes:

Telling a joke that has ethnic or racial overtones can get you in
trouble in ordinary American society if someone chooses to take
offense at it. The situation is even more tightly wound in a jail
setting and the penalties are a whole lot higher. Instead of just
losing your job, you might get your head caved in. Therefore animal
jokes were high on my desirable jokes scale because they were safe
to send.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

This joke was one of the first ones I collected and it is still a
favorite.
____

This guy looks out his window one morning and notices a big gorilla
in the tree in his front yard. He calls the Humane Society and
tells them all about it, and they reply, "Don't worry, we will send
out our best man, and he will know how to handle this."

Sure enough, the Humane Society truck comes along in a bit and
backs into the guy's yard. A man gets out carrying a shotgun and
leading a big vicious looking dog. So the homeowner comes out and
asks, "How are you gonna get the ape out of my tree?"

The man says, "Here's the plan. You hold this shotgun and I will
climb the tree and shake the branches until the gorilla falls. Then
this trained dog here will grab him by the balls and drag him into
the truck."

The homeowner says, "Okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The Humane Society man replies, "If I fall out of the tree before
the gorilla, you make sure you shoot that damned dog!!"
_________________________________________________

An offbeat shaggy dog type story.
____

I went to the cinema the other day, and in the front row was an old
man. With him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film. You
know the type. In the sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in
the funny part the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the
way through the film. After the film had ended I decided to go and
speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," I said. "Your dog
really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned. "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
_________________________________________________

Be careful with this recipe.
____

Elephant Stew

Ingredients:

    1  Elephant
   40  gallons Brown Gravy
    2  Rabbits (optional)
        Salt and Pepper to taste

Directions:

Cut elephant into bite size pieces. Cover with brown gravy. Cook
over low heat about 4 weeks. This will serve 4,200 people. If more
are expected, the two rabbits may be added, but do this only if
necessary as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.
_________________________________________________

Oh God, a shaggy rabbit story!?
____

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet
rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another
customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT. Now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly
embarrassed.

Fluffy, already wet, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts "Goddamn it Fluffy, will
you be good!?"

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman, and pursues it out of
the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the
flabbergasted group and says:

"Pardon me, but I've just washed my hare, and I can't do a thing
with it."
_________________________________________________

If at first you don't succeed ...
____

This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing very many
eggs anymore. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny
rooster to get his hens back into an egg laying mood. Well that
first day the rooster lays every hen, and at the end of the day the
farmer finds the rooster trying to make it with his horse. The
farmer walks over to the rooster and says, "You gotta slow down or
your going to die of exhaustion!"

The next day the horny young rooster lays every hen again, and at
the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make
it with his cow. The farmer walks over to to rooster and says, "I
told you, you'd better slow down or you'll die of exhaustion."

The third day the horny young rooster again lays every hen, and at
the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make
it with his pig. The farmer walks over to to rooster and says, "I'm
telling you, you'd better slow down or you'll die of exhaustion."

The following day the horny young rooster lays every hen again, but
at the end of the day the farmer doesn't see the rooster. The
farmer wanders around the farm and finds the rooster laying behind
the barn with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards
circling overhead. The farmer walks up to the rooster and says
"See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd die of exhaustion."

The rooster turns his head towards the farmer, points to the
buzzards and goes "Shhh!"
_________________________________________________

Good advice?
____

Two guys are sitting on a park bench eating lunch. One looks up,
sees a dog licking himself between the legs, and flatly states:

"You know -- I sure wish I could do that."

The other, without looking up from his lunch box responds:

"Yeah, but you sure better pet him first."
_________________________________________________

Another dog's tale. Sorry.
____

After living in the city for five years, a man wants to go hunting.
Needing a good huntin' dog he visits a farmer who has been
advertising them in the local newspaper. None of the dogs the
farmer shows him interests him until he spots one that the farmer
hasn't shown him:

Man: What about that one?
Farmer: Oh, no - that one's my special dog.
Man: What do you mean?
Farmer: Well, let me jes' show ya.

So he leads the man and dog to a field, lifts up one of the dog's
ears, and says "Go find the birds!"

The dog takes off and runs to a nearby bush, points and barks once.

"That means there's one bird in that bush," says the farmer.

"No way, I can't believe that!" exclaims the man.

So the farmer takes a stick, pokes the bush and a huge pheasant
pops out and flies away.

Wanting to further prove his point, the farmer again lifts the
dog's ear and repeats, "Go find the birds!"

This time the dog takes off to another bush, points, and barks
twice.

"That means there's two birds in there," says the farmer.

The farmer takes his stick, pokes at the bush, and sure enough, two
huge pheasants pop out and fly away.

"I've gotta have that dog!" says the man.

"Well, ok, but it's gonna to cost ya plenty," replies the farmer.

Some time has passed when the farmer has to travel to the city for
business and decides to visit the man who had bought his prized
hound. When he asked the man about the dog, the man replies:

"I had a couple of friends along hunting with me, and when we got
to a field the damnest thing happened. I went up to the dog, lifted
one of his ears, and said 'Go find the birds'. He just took off
into the field barking and running around like crazy. Then he ran
up, grabbed me, and started humping my leg. Then he grabbed a stick
and started shaking it violently! We thought he'd gone crazy, so we
shot him."

"You idiot!!" screams the farmer. "He was telling you that there's
more fuckin' birds out there than you could shake a stick at!!"
_________________________________________________

Know your limits.
____

A man visiting a zoo buys a bag of peanuts to feed the animals. He
throws one to a baboon. The baboon sticks the peanut up his ass and
then eats it.

Very surprised, the man throws the baboon a second and third
peanut. Each time, the baboon sticks the peanut up his ass before
eating it.

The man finds a zoo keeper and reports that there's something wrong
with one of the baboons, describing its actions.

The zoo keeper replies, "There's nothing to worry about. He's
perfectly all right. You see, last week some woman gave him a
peach. He had so much trouble passing the seed that now he gauges
everything first."
_________________________________________________

This joke could have also fit in a later chapter.
____

A blind bunny and a blind snake are going through the woods and
they bump into each other. Being blind, they don't know what they
look like, so they decide to feel each other and describe what they
feel.

The snake feels the bunny first and says "You have long ears, a
short fuzzy tail covered with fur and a small wriggly nose."

The bunny says "Oh! I must be a bunny!"

So the bunny feels the snake and tells him, "You have slimy skin,
beady little eyes and no balls."

The snake goes, "Aw shit! I'm an attorney!"
_________________________________________________

And now for some parrot jokes: The story of a Christmas gift.
____

A man wants a Christmas gift for his wife. Something different. He
wanders into a pet shop, and talks to the proprietor who says,
"I've got just the thing. This parrot is named Chet, and he's
perfect for Christmas. Watch this."

The shopkeeper pulls out a cigarette lighter, holds it under the
bird's right wing, lights it, and the bird sings, "Jingle Bells."
Then he holds it under the bird's left wing, lights it, and the
bird sings, "Silent Night!"

The man asks to try out the bird, and the proprietor says, "OK,
just don't hold the lighter too close; you don't want to burn his
wings."

The man does the left wing and the bird sings "Silent Night". He
does the right wing and the bird sings "Jingle Bells".

They haggle and reach a good price, with the shopkeeper throwing in
the lighter. The man takes the bird home. He decides to make sure
Chet will sing here at the house, and he does it again: left wing,
"Silent Night"; right wing, "Jingle Bells".

On a lark he places the lighter between the birds legs. He flicks
it on and Chet sings:

    "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ..."
_________________________________________________

Promises, promises.
____

A preacher is buying a parrot.

"Are you sure it doesn't swear?" asks the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. Its a religious parrot," the shopkeeper assures
him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one
he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he
recites the 23rd Psalm."

"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both
strings?"

"I fall off my fuckin' perch, you idiot!" screeched the parrot.
_________________________________________________

He needs help.
____

A parrot has the habit of jumping on the hens, and the farmer tells
him that if he does it again he will pull out every feather on his
head. The parrot jumps on the hens again, and his head feathers are
all pulled out. Meanwhile, the farmer's wife, who has pretensions
to culture, is having a formal dinner. She appoints the parrot to
be butler and to tell the guests where to put their hats and coats.

The party proceeds without mishap, with the parrot announcing
"Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Suddenly two
bald-headed men enter, and the parrot says, "You two
chicken-fuckers come out in the hen house with me."
_________________________________________________

It sure was.
____

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the
parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the
phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the
cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the
parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot says, from under
the cloth, "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"
_________________________________________________

Don't brag.
____

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks conversationally: "You ever
have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit smugly replies: "Nope, never."

The bear says "Glad to hear it," picks up the rabbit and wipes his
ass with the bunny.
_________________________________________________

A very useful short list.
____

Selected things to do when you run over your neighbor's cat:

(a) Wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did
      it.
(b) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the
     middle so they think that crazy satanists did it.
(c) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.
(d) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire department and let them try
     to explain it.
(e) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and claim
     that you're on a "Mission From God".
_________________________________________________

Other country jokes:

These are jokes from or about other countries. Some of these jokes
came to me over the Usenet, but some of them I obtained by going
out on the Internet and hunting for them in computers in other
countries. No laws were broken. It is permissible (and quite
common) to search through other computers on the net. In fact, you
can do so by invitation only. Exploring the net is one of the most
interesting activities you can do on the Internet - kind of like
crawling through a cave - you never know what you're going to find
around the next bend.

These jokes are interesting just to see what American humor has in
common with humor from other countries and how it's different too.
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________

It can be rather interesting to read the job groups (the Usenet has
a whole lot more than just jokes on it) at times. Occasionally
there are posts for university positions in Scotland - written in
Gaelic! You have to know the language in order to apply for the
job.

This little gem is about that country.
____

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and
the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the
father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here,
you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by.
I think there's yet another wee bairn to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad. It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the
doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting
them?"
_________________________________________________

Other countries have regional jokes too - something you'll never
learn from any official source. This one is from Canada.
____

A Newfoundlander went to a real estate agent to buy a house. The
agent showed him a nice cottage, roomy and in good repair,
surrounded by a pretty garden. The only problem was the price
-$50,000.

Newfie : "You're out of your mind if you think I'll pay that kind
              of money!"
Agent   : "Okay, no problem, I'll show you something cheaper."

The next house was a tar paper shack in the woods with broken
windows and a leaky roof.

Agent   : "You can have this one for $5,000."
Newfie : "Look, I said I wanted to economize. Don't you
              have anything reasonable?"

The third place cost only $500, only it was an outhouse. The
Newfoundlander thought it was fine and bought it.

Three months later the agent, being in the area, decided to drop in
and see how the Newfoundlander was doing. He thought that maybe,
after living in an outhouse for three months, he'd be willing to
buy a more expensive dwelling.

Newfie : "Well, nice to see you, and thanks for selling me this
              great house!"
Agent   : "No problems?"
Newfie : "No, it's just fine, and listen, I'm even making an income
              from the place."
Agent   : "You are?"
Newfie : "Yes, I'm renting the basement apartment to a
             Nova Scotian."
_________________________________________________

George Bernard Shaw of England was known for his acid tongue.
____

Bernard Shaw was once talking to a Frenchman. The Frenchman,
wanting to make fun of Shaw, says, "The English spend half their
lives searching for their family roots and history."

Replied Shaw, "And the French spend the whole of their lives
searching for their fathers."
_________________________________________________

Another Shaw joke.
__

Another time Shaw was walking down a very narrow path. A man coming
in the opposite direction stood right in the middle of the path
glaring at Shaw and said, "I don't give way to fools."

Shaw stepped aside and calmly said, "I do."
_________________________________________________

A classic!
____

An Australian, a Frenchman, and an Italian are talking about
married life:

ITALIAN : When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her
          head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife,
          she goes wild.

FRENCHMAN : When I finish making love to my wife, I cover
            her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and
            my wife, she goes wild.

AUSSIE : When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of
         bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife,
         she goes wild.
_________________________________________________

The next seven jokes were retrieved from a computer in Australia.
The first one sounds like it was written by an American. Someone in
Australia must have liked it enough to keep a copy.
____

In an Australian bar, far away in the outback, a bus load of
tourists are having a great time when suddenly the door swings open
and in comes Crocodile Dundee accompanied by an enormous crocodile.
All the tourists are afraid and go to a far corner of the room and
climb on chairs and tables.

Crocodile Dundee looks at them and says that the crocodile is tame
and won't hurt anybody. To prove it he sticks his head in the mouth
of the animal. Nothing happens, so the tourists relax a bit, but
still stay away.

Dundee then buys the crocodile a couple of beers and looks at the
tourists again. They still look frightened so he drops his pants,
puts his dick in the crocodile's mouth, takes off his right boot,
and hits the crocodile on the head with it. Again nothing happens.

The tourists come a bit closer and Dundee asks, "Now who wants to
try that?"

All the tourists crowd into the far corner again except for one
little, and very old, lady who says, "I will try it, but please
don't hit me so hard!"
_________________________________________________

Every man knows this joke is true.
____

This is a true story, overheard by my wife whilst standing in the
copy (xerox) room of a local Government Ministry:

A woman was standing at the machine photocopying a fairly large
amount of paperwork when a young male employee came in with a
single sheet. Upon seeing the man's item to photocopy, the woman
says:

"Is it just a small one?"

His dead-pan response: "Only when it's cold."
_________________________________________________

Apparently Australia and New Zealand have got quite a rivalry
going. If you like these next few jokes, be sure to check out the
chapter on question and answer jokes for more about this long
running feud. Those "kiwis" from New Zealand sure do like mutton!
_________________________________________________

Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally
discovered two new uses for sheep: meat and wool.
_________________________________________________

This Kiwi bloke was down in the paddock fucking his favourite
sheep, when an Aussie comes up and yells,

``Hey, mate, we shear those things back home.''

Puffing and panting, the Kiwi turns around and snaps,

``You go to hell! I'm not sharing this one with anyone!''
_________________________________________________

On a flight from LA to New Zealand, I heard the captain announce,

``Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to start our final descent
into Auckland. Please fasten your seat belts, and don't forget to
set your watches back 20 years!''
_________________________________________________

This woman picks up an Australian in a bar and takes him back to
her place. Things are starting to get a little hot when suddenly he
jumps up and starts moving all the furniture away from the center
of the room. The woman asks him why he's doing this. He says
``Well, if this is going to be anything like fucking kangaroos,
we'll need all the room we can get.''
_________________________________________________

Did you hear about the Australian who was accused of snatching a
woman's handbag? The police asked him to take part in an identity
parade. When the woman came into the room to inspect the assembled
men he leapt out of the line, pointed at the woman and said:
``She's the one.''
_________________________________________________

Enough Australian jokes. Was this joke written by an Englishman?
____

A German, upon hearing that Americans like to eat their steak rare
(often referred to as "bloody steak"), went into an American style
restaurant to try this meal.

When the waiter came to take his order, he said, "I would like a
bloody steak."

The waiter replied, "Would you like some fucking wine too?"
_________________________________________________

Written by an Englishman!
____

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet
pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly
appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the
offensive, "How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that
what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol
myself."

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that
it is evil, I will give up drink for life."

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no-one
will know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks!" Then he
lowers his voice and says to the barman, "And could you put the
vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again, is it?"
_________________________________________________

I love this one. It must have been written tongue in cheek. Sorry.
____

Here is a joke from Iceland.

Jiodf j g fjkldg jkdlf gjk jkgl jdfkgl djkgl jdfkgl jgkldfd lgjkdlg
jdkflg jdklg jakfl. g jfdklg jfdkgla jkrlug jyreklg jyrkelj reilf
jirlfj io;lj woelj fweol fiw hfilhfgijf iwej fiwoj fiow jfiore
jgfyyj ior jgiorejgio jrogsj fg o[dsj sig shj shigjhifsdg jifd
jgifds[poa gji jgifdjgiodrl jssg 'oaiq rjthirejtgtotslj gljg oslj
gogj s'o g j orgj o s'jg o sj gosj goj ryoj reog;  'org joegj o;eg
js'og kore;g kj 'o jg'o.

And I bet you thought us Icelanders don't have a sense of humour.

Mr Eye Sland, Iceland University, Iceland.
_________________________________________________

A joke about colonial Britain.
____

A waitress was eavesdropping on a conversation in a pub. Three old
British colonels were involved in a heated argument.

"It is spelled `Wwwooombbbbb'" one insisted.

"No! No! No!" said the second. "It's
'Wooooooommmmmmbmbmmmbbbb'".

The third one shook his head and said, "You're both wrong. It's
'Wwwroooomooomoooombbbbbbbbb'".

The waitress just couldn't keep her nose out of their argument. She
sniffed and said, "You know, it's really spelled W-O-M-B."

The three British colonels look at each other and shake their
heads.

Said one, "It's painfully obvious that she's never heard an
elephant relieve himself."
_________________________________________________

This one definitely is of European origin, but which country?
____

This man walks into the giftshop/drugstore in the lobby of an
international hotel somewhere in Europe. He approaches the
counter-man somewhat discretely and announces that he would like to
purchase a condom.

The counter-man replies that he only sells condoms in packs of 6,
9, or 12 and that he can't sell the man only one.

The man replies, "Why such odd numbers?"

"Well," says the counter-man, "the six-pack is for the Italians:
one on Monday, one on Tuesday, one on Wednesday, one on Thursday,
one on Friday, and one on Saturday. Being strict Catholics, they
abstain on Sunday, so they only need six, hence the six-pack."

The man says, "I see. Well who is the 9-pack for?"

"The pack of nine is for the French: one on Monday, one on Tuesday,
one on Wednesday, one on Thursday, TWO on Friday, and TWO on
Saturday. And not being as strict Catholics as the Italians, one on
Sunday."

Exasperated by this point, the man asks, "So who is the twelve-pack
for?"

"Ahhhh!" says the counter-man. "The twelve-pack is for the
ENGLISH!" "One in January, one in February ..."
_________________________________________________

If you don't understand this one, find someone who knows a little
French. I'm not going to ruin the joke by explaining it here.
____

There is a big European Community function, and all the diplomats
are standing around having a drink. As an Englishman takes his
glass, he notices that his French compatriot has a fly in his
drink. In the spirit of learning each other's languages, he says:

"I say old chap, I believe I see un mouche in your drink."

The Frenchman looks at his glass, and then replies:

"Actually, sir, it is 'une mouche'".

"I say!" says the Englishman, "You French have got damn good
eyesight!"
_________________________________________________

And to round out our collection, a small gem about Mexico.
____

A rich American expatriate, living in a medium-sized town in
Mexico, developed an interesting culinary habit. He discovered that
every Saturday night after the bullfights, the finest restaurant in
town would cook the bull's testicles and serve them to the highest
bidder. Since the gringo was very rich, he made a habit of winning
the auction.

One night he came to the restaurant and found the bidding much
higher than usual. He was a bit surprised, but decided that the
bull must have fought exceptionally well, and not wanting to break
his streak, paid what it took to win the meal.

He was more surprised when the waiter served him, not the usual
orange-sized spheres of juicy meat, but a pair of little shriveled
things no bigger than grapes. He called in the manager and demanded
an explanation.

"But sir," said the manager, "the bull, he does not always lose the
fight."


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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If you liked the jokes, you can buy the book by sending $10 to:

Larry Landwehr
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Waukesha, Wi 53186

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