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Monster Media 1993 #2
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MLOACLS.TXT
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1993-06-05
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Murphy's Laws of ACLS
FIRST LAW OF ACLS
1. An arrest will not occur until the ACLS provider begins
to eat.
COROLLARY 1. Few arrest would occur if ACLS providers
would not eat.
COROLLARY 2. ;Always order food to GO.
ACLS LAWS OF TIME AND DISTANCE
1. The probability that a patient will arrest increases
proportionally with the distance of the crash cart from
that's patients room.
2. The severity of acidosis in the arrested victim
increases directly with the resistance met when
injecting an amp of sodium bicarbonate.
3. The probability of an arrest occuring increases
proportionally to the time elaspsed since the ACLS
provider last went to the bathroom.
4. The probability that an arrest will occur increases
as the time to get off work decreases.
ACLS GROSS DYSRHYTHMIA RULE
1. If a gross dysrhythmia occurs which is sickening to
the provider, the monitor should be discontinued
at once.
ACLS RULES FOR THE ROAD
1. If you stop along the road to assist in a disaster
after midight and do not see a drunk, KEEP looking,
someone is still missing.
2. Assume that any physician found at the scene of an
arrest is a podiatrist until proven otherwise.
COROLLARY 1; never turn your back on a proctologist.
3. A life or death situation will be created by jogging
away from a person complaing of chest pain that you
just advised to make an appointment with his private
physician. The seriousness of the circumstanc will
increase as tshe date of your trial approaches. By
the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand; the
jury will be amazed how a person with such serious
cardiac problems could have ever run past you
on the track field.
COROLLARY 1: Transport all you talk to.
ACLS RULES OF RESPIRATORY ARREST
1. All persons on whom mouth to mouth resuscitation
is performed will have just completed a meal of
barbeque and onions which was washed down with beer.
COROLLARY 1: Never remove an EOA without suction,
intubation equipment,and lysol
COROLLARY 2: Never insert an ET tube without a wet-
suit and goggles.
2. The length of all oxygen tubing will decrease in an
arrest situation, especially if an ambu bag is used.
ACLS RULES OF EQUIPMENT
1.Any life saving equipment will not malfunction unless:
a. you need it to save a life.
b. the saleman leaves
c. the service contract expires.
ACLS RULES OF COORDINATION
1. Eye to hand coordination diminishes as the provider
attempts to inject epinephrine or NaHCo3 into an
injection port of an IV tubing during an arrest.
2. Eye to hand coordination and provider panic threshold
will decrease as the accessability of peripheral veins
decreases.
ACLS LAWS OF MEDICATIONS
1. Any medicationwill always be ordered in the least usable
unit of measure. Dopamine, for example will be ordered
in grains per microgram per kilogram per square inch
per millisecond.
COROLLARY 1: In a given drug calculation, any error
that can creep in will do so.
COROLLARY 2: Any error in calculation will be in
the direction of the most harm.
2. The probability of all allogorhythms is 50% either it
will work or it won't.
ACLS LAWS OF NATURE
1. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
cardiac index, pulse rate, stroke index, left
ventricular stroke volume, right ventricular stroke
volume, total peripheral resistance, pulmonary vascular
resistance, oxygen consumption, cardiac rhythm, and
other variables, the heart will do as it damn well
PLEASES.
2. 10% of the male population over 50 will suffer
acute myocardial infarction (AMI), the other 90%
will suffer an ugly one (UMI).