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Monster Media 1993 #2
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1993-07-01
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Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom
by Dave Bealer
It's been an interesting summer so far here in Pasadena. I blew out
a tire at high speed on the Baltimore Beltway (an amateur demolition
derby venue that surrounds the city) but somehow managed to avoid
death and/or dismemberment. The tire blew when I ran over a kitchen
sink that someone had carelessly left lying in the middle of the fast
lane. All right, it wasn't REALLY a kitchen sink, but it sure looked
like one during the split second I had to try and avoid running over
the stupid thing. Actually both tires on the passenger side were
damaged beyond repair, but the front one managed to hold up while I
limped the car to a tire store. Fortunately the trip to the tire
store was only a few miles since my car has one of those tiny spare
tires meant for a go-cart. The fact that this incident occurred on
the first day of my vacation should have warned me that I was in for
a bad time this summer.
Actually, when the kitchen sink hurled itself in front of my car I
was on my way back to Pennsylvania to visit Uncle Fred for the last
time. I did finally get to see him a couple of days later, just two
weeks before he died. Uncle Fred was a funny man. Not in the way a
Dave Barry or Steven Wright is funny, but he was always ready with a
clever comment. Fred was a mechanic and a card player whose special
love was pinochle. Greg Borek and I both consider him our favorite
six-handed partner. The extra limbs came in especially handy when
dealing. Fred was a good man...the world could use more like him.
Greg Borek swam across the Chesapeake Bay on June 13th. Greg denies
that it had anything to do with the fact that Vinnie was chasing him
at the time. Greg wasn't sure that he would have an article ready
for this month's issue. We'll have to see just how persuasive Vinnie
can be.
Considering the recent flap over syringes in soda cans I'm hesitant
to report my next near mishap, but it really happened. Two co-
workers and I were having a luncheon buffet at work consisting of
some Chinese carry-out food when I bit into a piece of glass. The
glass in question was 5/8" long, about 1/4" wide at the widest point,
and 3/32" thick, a piece of green bottle glass. The odd thing about
it was that the glass was hidden inside the stem of a green onion
(also known as a scallion). The odds against a piece of glass
accidentally becoming lodged in the stem of a scallion in this fashion
are very high. Fortunately I bit into the glass on the flat side and
was not injured, although my molar left a mark in the glass.
Needless to say my co-workers and I were quite unhappy that night
since none of us were sure if we had ingested any glass. We were
lucky as it turns out. The owner of the restaurant merely gave us
our money back, and denies that the glass came from his place. We'll
just see what the County Health Department has to say about this.
As for me, I'm considering relocating to someplace safe, like
downtown Detroit. Yep. Things sure have been interesting, like in
that ancient Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times."