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Monster Media 1993 #2
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1993-06-01
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102 lines
The Gremlin's Apprentice
by Greg Borek
It was late one dark and stormy night when I stopped back at work on
my way home. As I rounded the corner into the cluster of cubicles
where my desk is, I was frozen in my tracks by the sound of a thin,
high voice from a one foot high blue creature yelling:
"Spoofle? Where are you boy?"
"Right here, sir."
"Well, stay where I can see you. Little gremlins aren't supposed
to hide from their elders."
"Yes, sir. Can we set something on fire now?"
"No, Spoofle, gremlins never do anything so obvious. I can see
we have a lot of work to do if I'm ever going to get you past
Gremlin Apprentice."
"But sir, I thought we were supposed to break things, cause
trouble, create bugs,... you know, be annoying. How about
low-level formatting a few hard disks?"
"That's exactly what I mean. The humans would know if you did
something like that. How about just cross linking some of the
files? Did you ever think of that? The humans think 'that just
happens.' And what ever happened to being annoying without
destroying anything? How about just loosening a screw here and
there so some of the hard disks produce that oh-so-nice high
pitched whine? Some apprentice you are. I bet you didn't even
change the intensity on any of the monitors here, did you?"
"No, sir. Hmm. I guess we shouldn't just delete files outright,
huh?"
"Now you're catching on. Undelete some old versions of files
over top of the newer ones. Let me ask you, what percent of the
documents printed on the network printer will should be lost?"
"Uh, 5%, sir?"
"Spoofle, I certainly can't fault your enthusiasm, but we are
trying for subtlety here. 5% is a bit high. A document loss
rate of 1.5% to 3% is much more acceptable. At 5% users might
send for a repairman. Less than that they just wait a while,
complain to someone, curse networks everywhere then go print it
again. Remember, Spoofle, we don't want to be too obvious here
or the users will suspect; if we wanted to be obvious we would
simply set the building on fire."
"Sorry, sir. What about corrupting a library that 3 programmers
share so they will be sure to blame each other? Hey! How about
fixing the bug in a different library where you put it last
week?"
"Now you're catching on. It's always good to make programmers
doubt the fundamental concepts underlying their tools every so
often. Keeps them mildly confused. While you're changing files,
try changing some file attributes to make some files unavailable
without actually destroying them. How about making some of the
keys on the older keyboards stick, while making other keys
repeat."
"Yeah, yeah, how about adding a dozen lines to a source code
module that no one has edited for weeks, without changing the
modification date, of course. This will cause an error from
somewhere they do not expect, but only the next time they
recompile everything."
"What about changing the executables already completed and about
to be shipped? They should contain bugs that cannot be
duplicated here."
"Yes, sir. Say, why did we every give up sabotaging airplanes
anyway?"
"The defense industry caught on to us. They got tough. Do you
know how much it costs for the parts for a B-2 bomber? $29.45.
The other billion is to make the plane gremlin-proof."
"Really? Is that all?"
"Well, that and we never really figured out how to get through
those pesky security things you have to run a card through.
Anyway, computers are easy to screw up. People are naturally
afraid of them for some reason, and that plays right into our
hands. They think these machines are capable of capricious
decisions, and as long as they go on believing that, we will
always have a job."
I had had enough. I turned on the lights and they scattered. I
called a 24 hour security place that installed those pesky security
things that you have to run a card through. Productivity went up
150% in the next quarter alone. {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org