You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling\asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you\notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and\asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're\wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me\they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,\"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're\sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs\then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last\second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."\Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I\think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my\shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It\wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right\in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it\is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I\say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not\right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally\walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely\abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going\to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.\Today I... No, that wasn't me.\Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the\entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,\"Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,\and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way\to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,\"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I\also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.\People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it\on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died\they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They\said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that\much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from\the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...\Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had\been done by children. They had all the paintings up on\refrigerators.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my\own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are\outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,\children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So\I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big\buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what\kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor\to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.\in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I\was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up\outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No,\these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway,\because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the\inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get\dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything\specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in\Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I\can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days\later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight\Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The\clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet\supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that\said "compact cars"...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got\there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the\sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a\row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They\ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything\I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra\medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was\in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they\weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked\up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you\got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have\anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.\She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone\bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.\Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to\the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a\different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French\looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't\read in two different languages.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put\them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled\my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I\don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I\laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time\I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop\ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.\I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --\it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the\other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I\said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five\on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't\know... My calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called\someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,\"Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They\said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I\said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called\Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't\find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they\were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,\hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a\nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home\and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy\signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone\inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a\call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to\the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls\yesterday."
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it\on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I\could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the\wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned\them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing\so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about\everything.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?\The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in\1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I\just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading\accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live\above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me\designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across\the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing\gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm\marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my\bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When\I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.\Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.\Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut\it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick\wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one\who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch\it... It feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms\above... So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the\flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and\took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was\lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.\I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...\If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on\your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater\real quick.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write\right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the\neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get\out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how\I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house\with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it\around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.\He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,\I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,\"Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really\notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no\place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it\running... (Slow glance upward.)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.\I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it\looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my\car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been\arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one\out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds\*amazing*.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left\earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\For the office drunk\ "We generally found him loaded with work to do"
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\For an employee with no ambition\"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in"
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\A stupid employee\"There is nothing you can teach a man like him"
Fired-Employee Recommendations:\A dishonest employee\ "Her true ability was deceiving"
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park\anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.\But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the\driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to\listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some\people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,\"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once\in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so\fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an\accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the\engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this\thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,\"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,\officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,\"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't\believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.\Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer\and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you\can go."
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going\through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge\if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further\questions."
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I\said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in\the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great\parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask\me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came\back the entire area was missing.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept\locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot\stepladder with a coathanger.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was\walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess\told me to sit down.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You\buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they\bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have\the weekend.
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,\but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches\tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to\go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...\Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends\went to the funeral in one car.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to\him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.\Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held\up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."\I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the\thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave\it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars\from George.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's\called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm\Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this\tour. I said, "the whole time."
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\A grape? Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\A kangaroo? Bloody great holes all over Australia.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\A rhinoceros? Elephino.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\A mouse? Very large holes in the baseboard.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\A duck and a light bulb? A huge electric bill.
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ELEPHANT WITH...\Peanut butter? Either peanut butter that never forgets or an elephant\that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,\I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there\anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting\attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't\really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to\die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,\"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."\She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and\hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out\of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said\"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that\means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night\and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were\going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said,\"Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you\sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's\satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a\Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in\a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed\except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family\picnics.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the\apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on\their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat\and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to\call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went\insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East\German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures\of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in\circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on\the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm\afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Norman R. Augustine, president and CO of Martin Marietta\LAW NUMBER XVII:\Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,\and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.
Norman R. Augustine, president and CO of Martin Marietta\LAW NUMBER XII:\It costs a lot to build bad products.
Norman R. Augustine, president and CO of Martin Marietta\LAW NUMBER XXVII:\Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a\dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore\looking like an idiot.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the\precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two\parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...\(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live\on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.\It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the\window.
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading\it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --\Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a\closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator\practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy\subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and\then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you\have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand\box. I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was\a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running\down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I\stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I\learned that the shortest distance between two points was a\direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't\find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his\birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,\I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for\twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.\When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but\he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the\beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and\say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your\life!"
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so\later I can ask him what he meant.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I\changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and\landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened\and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's\done."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have\been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my\Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying\to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the\highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked\up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new\cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.\The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get\into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really\into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had\our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got\speeding tickets.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the\most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,\"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't\it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a\problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I\can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well\sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger\on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a\nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my\name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky\Goldstein..."
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.\I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride\came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried\me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,\and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out\of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving\horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:\two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in\England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift\with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain\without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You\know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I\said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was\in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you\better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a\Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing\sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I\said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this\stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.\I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't\a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on\in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the\money go?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you\ave the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
International Signs - Acapulco hotel:\The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
International Signs - Thailand donkey rides:\Would you like to ride on your own ass?
International Signs - Bangkok temple:\It is forbidden to enter a women even a foreigner if dressed\as a man.
International Signs - Japanese air conditioner instructions:\Cooles and Heates - If you want just condition of warm in your\room, please control yourself.
International Signs - Polish hotel menu:\Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings\in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers\beaten up in the country people's fashion.
International Signs - Hong Kong tailor shop:\Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
International Signs - Moscow hotel:\If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
International Signs - Norwegian cocktail lounge:\Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
International Signs - Bangkok tailor shop:\Drop your trousers here for best results.
International Signs - Budapest zoo:\Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,\give it to the guard on duty.
International Signs - Paris dress shop:\Dresses for street walking.
International Signs - Czechoslovakian tourist agency:\Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no\miscarriages.
International Signs - Belgrade hotel elevator:\Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
International Signs - Paris hotel elevator:\Please leave your values at the front desk.
International Signs - Japanese hotel:\You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
International Signs - Moscow hotel lobby:\You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and\Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except\Thursday.
International Signs - Bucharest hotel lobby:\The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we\regret that you will be unbearable.
International Signs - Tokyo car rental brochure:\When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet\melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then\tootle him with vigor.
International Signs - Leipzig elevator:\To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin\should enter more persons, each one should press a number of\wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national\order.
International Signs - Austrian hotel:\Not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in\the boots of ascension.
International Signs - Swiss restaurant:\Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
International Signs - Rome laundry:\Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a\good time.
International Signs - Roman doctor's office:\Specialist in women and other diseases.
International Signs - Soviet Weekly magazine:\There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet\Republic painters and scultors. These were executed over the\past two years.
International Signs - Tokyo Bar:\Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
International Signs - Zurich hotel:\Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite\sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this\purpose.
International Signs - Copenhagen airline ticket office:\We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Bad Excuses #1:\'Dear school; Pleas ackuse John for bean absent Jan. 28, 29, 30,\32 and 33.'
Bad Excuses #2:\'Mary coult not come to school because she was bothered by vary\close veins.'
Bad Excuses #3:\'Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.'
Bad Excuses #4:\'My son is under the doctor's care and could not take P.E.\Please execute him.'
Bad Excuses #5:\'Please excuse Blanch from P.E. a few days. Yesterday she fell\out of a tree and misplaced her hip.'
Bad Excuses #6:\'Please excuse Joey Friday. He has loose vowels.'
Bad Excuses #7:\'Please excuse Joyce from Jim today. She is administrating.'
Bad Excuses #8:\'Carlose was absent from school yesterday because he was hurt\playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.'
Bad Excuses #9:\'My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She\spent the weekend with the Marines.'
Bad Excuses #10:\'Plese excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed\with Gramps.'
Bad Excuses #11:\'Please excuse Johnny from being. It was his father's fault.'
Bad Excuses #12:\'May Ann was absent Dec. 11-15 because she had a fever, sore\throat, headache. There must be the flu going around ....\father even got hot last night.'
Unclear Writting:\I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had\seven, but one died which was baptized on a half a sheet of paper.
Unclear Writting:\I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
Unclear Writting:\You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any\differance?
Unclear Writting:\My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't\had any relief since.
Unclear Writting:\I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one\of which is a mistake as you can see.
Unclear Writting:\In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins\in the enclosed envelope.
Unclear Writting:\I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son\illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before\he was born.
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I\put my head through it.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my\universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's\intention.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a\tree I don't have.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times\before I hit him.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,\I found that I had a fractured skull.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve\out of its way when it struck the front.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a\place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable\to stop in time to avoid the accident.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel\and had an accident.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the\pedestrian.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the side of\the road when I struck him.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over\him.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off\the roof of my car.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'I pulled away from the side of the road, looked at my mother in\law and headed over the embankment.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.'
Insurance Faux Pas:\'An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.'
You're a redneck if:\You have a rag for a gas cap . . .
You're a redneck if:\You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures\were taken . . .
You're a redneck if:\Less than half the cars you own run . . .
You're a redneck if:\You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and\seductive tongue gestures . . .
You're a redneck if:\You have ever barbequed Spam on a grill . . .
You're a redneck if:\You dress the kids up to go to K-mart . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your passenger-side window is a Hefty bag . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read . . .
You're a redneck if:\The pink plastic flamingos in your yard were not placed as\a joke . . .
You're a redneck if:\You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy . . .
You're a redneck if:\You prominently display souveniers from Graceland . . .
You're a redneck if:\You have ever used a weedwacker indoors . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your brother-in-law is your uncle . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your family tree does not fork . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help\take the wheels off . . .
You're a redneck if:\You know exactly how many bales of hay your truck can hold . . .
You're a redneck if:\Your diploma includes the words 'Trucking Institute . . .
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had\made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When\I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I\came back.
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in\it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and\it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow\that does it in rows.
(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with\the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer\thinks he can get me five.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put\your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole\package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes\she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a\rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on\a tree.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...\Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.\Fred, Barney...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and\act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room\temperature.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini\locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of\Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for\reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got\pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency\Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The\study of milkmen.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I\sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a\full house and four people died.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It\said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's\property.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you\get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose\twice. Everything had two shadows.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns\behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false\teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and\when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had\any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There\was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired\myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I\paid myself. Then I quit.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the\roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that\he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"\taller.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off\infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing\lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike\along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.\The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.\He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I\figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when\suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.\The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot\today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started\reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.\If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of\light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"\He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had\a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.\I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People\complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a\forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest\made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
What do you do with a dog that doesn't have any legs?\ Take him for a drag.
What do you say to a one-legged hitch-hiker?\ Hop in.
Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?\100 ways to walk your dog.
What does a guy with a 12 inch disposition have for breakfast?\ I usually have bacon and eggs!
Why is a manhole round?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my\age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six\I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how\much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in\time.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you\get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like\that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They\lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and\took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,\they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each\other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did\you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or\numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it\was. You can guess what he told me.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know\what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to\a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you\want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.\It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if\I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on\it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had\to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a\dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go\up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every\morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun\wouldn't rise.
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,\does he become disoriented?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm\Narcissus.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure\enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a\fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my\ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to\think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a\monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet\when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and\falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in\only ten minutes.
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change\this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch\light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not\for sale."
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology\experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's\part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is\in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that\all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.\"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets\have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through\wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she\has to put something on.
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a\joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to\Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what\for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.\It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends\with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff\in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one\girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss.\"Haven't you got a sense of humor?"\"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey\Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world\is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on\an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom Boom.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment\somewhere.
There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning\at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the\roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he\answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked\"But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to\which he answered "I guess it must be working then!"
Hickory Dickory Dock,\An elephant ran up the clock,\The clock is being repaired.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of\marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Theories of Management:\MUSHROOM THEORY\ Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.\RAIN MAKERS\ Reward Rainmakers not Ark builders\ARK BUILDERS\ Reward Ark builders not Rainmakers
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant\wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of\passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.\It's done on a very high level.\There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.\And it takes two years to get any results.
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:\The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant\The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari\The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants\The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants\The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money\The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant\The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?\The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
A woman went to see a psychiatrist and complained, "Doctor, my husband\thinks he's a magician."\"What's so bad about that?" the shrink asked.\"We're being sued. A week ago my husband shoved a girl into a trunk\and sawed it in half."\"The girl's family is suing you?" the psychiatrist asked.\"No, the circus," the woman replied. "The elephant bled to death."
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...\ -- General Sedgwick's last words
Two elephants - Harry & Faye\Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way\So they boarded a plane\They're now kissing in Maine\Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.
What does the cross between a parrot and an elephant say?\"Polly want a cracker ... NOW!"
Why don't elephants cross their eyes? Because i's are dotted, t's\are crossed.
What's big and green and has a trunk? An unripe elephant.
What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?\Elephant boogers.
Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1991.\E100 Molding Your Employee's Behavior Through Guilt & Fear
Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1991.\E103 Eye Avoidance Techniques
Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1991.\EB42 Whine Your Way to Higher Pay
Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1991.\EB59 How to Profit From Your Own Body
Why don't elephants use typewriters efficiently?\Some do, but don't like to capitalize on it.
Why did the elephant cross the road?\Chicken's day off.
How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?\If you need a ladder to get down and you're not in a bunk bed,\there's probably an elephant down there somewhere.
What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, squish; clomp, clomp, clomp, squish?\An elephant with one wet shoe.
Why don't elephants make good bartenders?\People stop drinking when they see them.
How do you scold an elephant? Say, "Tusk, tusk!"
Why don't elephants ride tricycles?\They don't have a thumb to ring the bell.
What did the grape say when the elephant trod on it?\Nothing, but it did let out a little wine.
You're in a phone booth and you see a herd of elephants charging towards\you.\What do you do? Make a trunk call and reverse the charge.
How many elephants can you put into an empty sack?\Only one. Then the sack is no longer empty.
What's the difference between an elephant and a bison?\You can't wash your hands in an elephant.
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?\Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?\A pachydermatologist.
What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?\Cinderelephant.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on\microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on\doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they\make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and\found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates\New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and\returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it\out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to\Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The\headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half\of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a\spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a\blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.\Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same\thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three\miles late for his meetings.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I\said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll\be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those\biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill\for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,\"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never\found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX\collect.
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design\exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is\the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular\dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may\wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats\another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon\paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four\anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.\All they found was a pile of dust.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the\classroom.
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and\there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he\had cross-trained.
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of\everything happens in a foreign country.
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a\form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the\demographics one way or another.
She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's\two feet off the ground.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood\lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the\skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought\wind socks.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911\and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It\will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to\hit your own ball.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English\subtitles.
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the\ground, I fell asleep.
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's\unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out\of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tale a sound yank.\Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post\office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I\live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I\don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of\it...
Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-15 bismol = 1 femto-bismol
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-12 boos = 1 picoboo
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-18 boys = 1 attoboy
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^12 bulls = 1 terabull
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-9 goats = 1 nanogoat
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-2 mental = 1 centimental
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^6 phones = 1 megaphone
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^-6 phones = 1 microphone
Standards for Inconsequential Trivia:\10^12 pins = 1 terapin
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Conic Section: Funny paper
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Cosine: The opposite of stop sign
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Graph: Principle item of bovine diet
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Len: Singular of lens. One surface optical instrument.
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Marginal ray: A ray of doubtful origin.
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Normal solution: The wrong answer
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Orifice: Headquarters or place of business
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Paradox: Two PhDs
Scientific Terms Made Easy:\Polygon: An ex-parrot
Scientific Terms Mde easy by Dr. Rudolf Kingslake.\Sphere: A long pointed weapon
How do you put a condom on a whale?\Four skin divers!(Fore-skin divers....... get it?)
On my wife's office calendar for yesterday is the remark that\there was a female opera singer with quite a range at the lower\end of the scale. She was known as the "deep C diva."
The Pun Reference Library\Shhh!: Danielle Soloud
The Pun Reference Library\The Bog: Pete Maas
The Pun Reference Library\I'm Fine: Howard Hue
The Pun Reference Library\Danger!: Luke Out
The Pun Reference Library\Cloning: Irma Dubble II
The Pun Reference Library\Blowout!: Vlad Tire
The Pun Reference Library\Archery: Beau N. Arrow
The Pun Reference Library\Hot Dog!: Frank Furter
The Pun Reference Library\Drafted!: Abel Boddeed
The Pun Reference Library\Big Fart!: Hugh Jass
The Pun Reference Library\Mensa Man: Gene Yuss
The Pun Reference Library\Fingerplay: Jacob Sladder
The Pun Reference Library\Keep Out!: Barb Dwyer
The Pun Reference Library\Downpour!: Wayne Dwops
The Pun Reference Library\Full Moon: Seymour Buns
The Pun Reference Library\Harvesting Wild Plants: Dudley Nightshade
The Pun Reference Library\Mystery in the Barnyard: Hu Flung Dung
The Pun Reference Library\How To Tune Up Your Auto: Carl Humm
The Pun Reference Library\Fixing Computer Programs: Dee Bugger
The Pun Reference Library\Fat Lady In The Sideshow: Ellie Funt
The Pun Reference Library\The World's Best Recipes: Gus Tatorial
The Pun Reference Library\Greeting Sheep Strangers: Hugh R. Ewe
The Pun Reference Library\The LA Lakers' Breakfast: Kareem O'Wheat
The Pun Reference Library\Songs from 'South Pacific': Sam and Janet Evening
The Pun Reference Library\Fifty Yards to the Outhouse: Willy Makit and Betty Woant
The Pun Reference Library\The Perils Of Drug Addiction: Anita Fixx
The Pun Reference Library\Quips For The Young At Heart: Marty Pants
The Pun Reference Library\In Farmer MacGregor's Garden: Peter Abbott
The Pun Reference Library\Exploring The Dutch Frontier: Will Der Ness
The Pun Reference Library\Gardening With The Ex-President: Rose Bush
The Pun Reference Library\Rules For Living: Sharon Sharalike
The Pun Reference Library\I Lost My Balance: Eileen Dover and Paul Downs
The Pun Reference Library\Neither a Borrower: Nora Lender Bee
The Pun Reference Library\My Seventh Husband: Ivana Newhouse
The Pun Reference Library\House Construction: Bill Jerome Holme
The Pun Reference Library\The Truancy Problem: Marcus Absent
The Pun Reference Library\Exotic Irish Plants: Phil O'Dendron
The Pun Reference Library\Split Personalities: Jacqueline Hyde
The Pun Reference Library\A Whole Lot of Cats: Kitt N. Caboodle
The Pun Reference Library\Star Spangled Barrio: Jose Canusee
The Pun Reference Library\Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights
The Pun Reference Library\Where to Find Islands: Archie Pelago
The Pun Reference Library\Teenagers Of The '50's: Bobbie Sox
The Pun Reference Library\How to Tour the Prison: Robin Steele
The Pun Reference Library\Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
The Pun Reference Library\Swimming in the Arctic: I. C. Waters
The Pun Reference Library\The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
The Pun Reference Library\The German Bank Robbery: Hans Zupp
The Pun Reference Library\Back Row Of The Orchestra: Clara Nett
The Pun Reference Library\Artificial Weightlessness: Andy Gravity
The Pun Reference Library\The Industrial Revolution: Otto Mattick
The Pun Reference Library\Brane Surjery Maid Simpel: Sarah Bellum
The Pun Reference Library\Chicago Gangs Of The '30's: Tommy Gunn
The Pun Reference Library\Columbus, Vespucci, And Me: Enzo DiUrth
The Pun Reference Library\Events In The Soviet Union: Perry Stroika
The Pun Reference Library\A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel
The Pun Reference Library\All Alone: Saul E. Terry
The Pun Reference Library\You Drip!: Lee K. Fawcette
The Pun Reference Library\Surprised!: Omar Gosh
The Pun Reference Library\Unemployed: Anita Job
The Pun Reference Library\Hiya Fellas: Gladys Eeya
The Pun Reference Library\Yoko's Robe: Kim Ono
The Pun Reference Library\NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
The Pun Reference Library\I Love You!: Alma Hart
The Pun Reference Library\I Like Fish: Ann Chovie
The Pun Reference Library\Peeping Tom: Sawyer Scantis
The Pun Reference Library\How to Annoy: Aunt Agonize
The Pun Reference Library\Sofa so Good: Chester Field
The Pun Reference Library\The RV Guide: Winnie Bago
The Pun Reference Library\Falling Trees: Tim Burr
The Pun Reference Library\Animal Scents: Farrah Mones
The Pun Reference Library\I Love Crowds: Morris Merrier
The Pun Reference Library\The Porn Queen: Mona Lott
The Pun Reference Library\Irish Flooring: Lynn O'Leum
The Pun Reference Library\Nuts about You!: Sly Cosis
The Pun Reference Library\Life As A Comic: Stan Dupp
The Pun Reference Library\Shock The Monkey: Jim Panzy
The Pun Reference Library\Meals On Safari: Lionel Eecha
The Pun Reference Library\You've Got To Be Kidding!: Shirley U. Jest
The Pun Reference Library\Irish Dentistry: Perry O'Donnal
The Pun Reference Library\The Greasy Spoon Cookbook: Chris Coe
The Pun Reference Library\Let's Do it Now!: Ivana Beaver
The Pun Reference Library\Hollywood Gossip: Phyllis Zinn
The Pun Reference Library\Western Springtime: Theresa Green
The Pun Reference Library\Preparing Leather: Tanya Hyde
The Pun Reference Library\Joys of Cowardice: Lily Livard
The Pun Reference Library\Computer Memories: Meg Abright
The Pun Reference Library\Repent At Leisure: Marion Hayste
The Pun Reference Library\Italian Delicacies: Liz Onya
The Pun Reference Library\Outdoor Activities: Alf Resco
The Pun Reference Library\Smash His Lobster!: Buster Crabbe
The Pun Reference Library\The Magic Word: Abby Cadabra
The Pun Reference Library\The Hidden Surprise: Pam Perz
The Pun Reference Library\Rapunzel, Rapunzel!: Harris Long
The Pun Reference Library\Children's Songbook: Skip Tumalu
The Pun Reference Library\Weekend In Hong Kong: Rick Shaw
The Pun Reference Library\New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerki
The Pun Reference Library\Mexican/Italian Food: Pepe Roonie
The Pun Reference Library\Overweight Vegetables: O. Beets
The Pun Reference Library\Great Tennis Matches: Davis Skupp
The Pun Reference Library\The Chuck Berry Story: Judy Frudy
The Pun Reference Library\Clothes for Germ Kings: Mike Robbes
The Pun Reference Library\Tyrant of the Potatoes: Dick Tater
What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with a vampire?\ Autoexec.bat
