home
***
CD-ROM
|
disk
|
FTP
|
other
***
search
/
Monster Media 1994 #1
/
monster.zip
/
monster
/
MAGAZINE
/
SM9402.ZIP
/
MINI
< prev
next >
Wrap
Text File
|
1994-02-03
|
7KB
|
167 lines
▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░MINIVAN HELL░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░Jack McGeehin
▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀▀
DR. H: Please, Bob, make yourself comfortable, and tell me what's
on your mind.
BOB: It's difficult to talk about, DR. Heilbroner.
DR. H: I am a psychiatrist, Bob. I can't help you unless you talk
to me.
BOB: Okay. Here goes: I hate minivans. There, I said it.
DR. H: Minivans?
BOB: Yes.
DR. H: As in the multi-person vehicles that have taken America by
storm?
BOB: Right. Dodge Caravan. Plymouth Voyager. Chevrolet Astro.
Oldsmobile Silhouette. Pontiac Trans Sport. Ford Aerostar.
All those Japanese models as well.
DR. H: Hate is a strong word, Bob. Certainly minivans aren't
intended for everyone. Perhaps, what you mean is that you
prefer another type of vehicle.
BOB: No, my emotions run deeper than that. I spend a lot of time
fantasizing about destroying minivans. Blowing them up.
Torching them. Pushing them over cliffs. Driving over long
lines of minivans with one of those monster trucks at a farm
show. I'm not a violent person, DR. Heilbroner. I could
never carry out any of these fantasies. Nevertheless, I'm
worried.
DR. H: Worried that you might succumb to these negative feelings?
BOB: Well, I'm not taking any chances. I don't drive much these
days, since minvans have gotten under my skin. We live in
the suburbs. There are minivans everywhere. I use public
transportation a lot more. Getting to work in the morning
has become a challenge. I take a taxi to the nearest bus
stop. A bus to the subway. Change trains. Another bus.
It's horrible. Several of my neighbors have purchased
minivans; we no longer speak.
DR. H: Tell me what it is about minivans that you find so
abhorrent.
BOB: I'm not sure where to begin.
DR. H: Start with the superficial. General appearances. Driving
characteristics. That sort of thing.
BOB: I'm turned off by the minivan look. They're so boxy and out of
scale with regular cars. They look like over- sized slugs
sucking up the road.
DR. H: Some would say that the characteristic minivan appearance
translates to practicality: more room for passengers and
cargo, ease of loading and unloading, creature comforts that
just aren't possible in regular-sized cars.
BOB: I'm sure these same people would have thought the Hindenburg a
practical mode of transportation.
DR. H: Do you think minivans are dangerous like the old
hydrogen-filled dirigibles?
BOB: The danger is often to other people. It's difficult to see
around most minivans, so passing them is risky. They're
unwieldy -- watching them reverse out of a parking spot is
frightening. Pedestrians sometimes have to quicken their
pace to stay out of harm's way. Minivan driver's themselves
pose the biggest risk, though.
DR. H: How so?
BOB: People have been run off the road by minivan drivers who are
more concerned with their payload of children, pets and bags
of groceries, than they are with their driving. Mom or Dad
turns around to break up a fight between the kids or to
survey the extent of the golden retriever's car sickness --
just that quick, the minivan drifts into the next lane and
some poor driver is heading for the cow patch to avoid a
head-on collision.
DR. H: I sense there is something more about the minivan that you
are not telling me, Bob, something that cuts to the very
essence of the problem.
BOB: I'm afraid I don't follow.
DR. H: Your're married, aren't you, Bob?
BOB: Yes. My wife Denise and I have been married ten years.
DR. H: But you have no children, isn't that right?
BOB: That's correct. Our lives have been too frenetic. There was
graduate school. Then careers. Travel. We're never home.
Children are not out of the question. In a year or two,
we'll decide. Where are you heading with this?
DR. H: I'm going to lay it on the line, Bob. Your problem is not
with the minivan but yourself. You have been projecting your
uncertainty about having children on the very emblem of
American family life in the 90s -- the minivan. You're not
sure you're ready for kids, so you're taking out your
aggression on the symbolic minivan, which represents a change
in lifestyle that has you quaking in your boots.
BOB: Wow. I don't know what to say.
DR. H: I want you to do something for me, Bob. Here, take these.
BOB: These are car keys.
DR. H: Minivan keys. To my Ford Aerostar. I want you to take it
for a spin.
BOB: Oh, no. I don't think I can do this.
DR. H: You can, Bob. I want you to drive the minivan over to the
Edison Junior High School and pick up my two kids, Lisa and
Jason. They're 13 and 9 years old.
BOB: I...I...I...I...
DR. H: Listen to me, Bob. You need to come to terms with your
familial doubts. This will put you in the minivan driver's
seat, so to speak. Lisa has to go back to school for cheer
leading from 5 to 7. Jason has soccer right after school.
You'll have to make four separate trips. Also, you might
have to drive about half the soccer team home after the game;
Jason will fill you in. In the evening, you can take the
kids to the shopping mall or a movie, just have them back
here at 11. That's all there is to it.
BOB: I suppose I should talk this over with my wife.
DR. H: Certainly. Denise would benefit from this therapy as well.
It will be good for the two of you to become immersed in the
lives of children and to feel the power of parenthood behind
the wheel of a minivan.
BOB: This is so sudden. What if I can't handle it? What if I freak
out?
DR. H: My wife, Susan, and I will be at the Four Seasons restaurant
having dinner. You can call us there. There's a cellular
phone in the minivan. After that, we'll be dancing at the
country club. So you see, we'll never be out of reach.
BOB: This is a tall order, Dr. Heilbroner. I suppose if you really
think it will do some good...
DR. H: More than you know, Bob. Much much more. The minivan is
parked out front, the one with the plates that read
VANMAN.
-end-
Copyright (c)1994 Jack McGeehin