Der Mediaplex Sampler - Die 6 von Plex/6_v_plex.zip/6_v_plex/DISK4/BUSIN_13/2DAY35.ZIP/TODAY.WIT

Text File | 1992-04-19 | 28KB | 499 lines

* These sayings come from four sources:
* The Speaker's Desk Book (1937)
* Bartlett's Familiar Quotations (1944)
* A program called HI (no author or history known)
*
* In addition, quotations from a book entitled Friendly Advice, com-
* piled and edited by Jon Winokur (1990) were added to fill out large
* portions of the calendar that were bereft of a Thought for the Day.
* This latter work is thanks to Elmer Jan of Corte Madera, California.
*----------------------------------------------------------------------
F0101     Minds are like parachutes, they only work when open.
F0102     Every Titanic has its iceberg.
F0103     An honest politician: One who stays bought.
F0104     A closed mouth gathers no foot.
F0105     What`s the most popular form of birth control?   The headache.
F0106     Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
F0107     Whatever advice you give, be brief.
F0108     He who laughs last probably doesn`t understand the joke.
F0109     Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
F0110     If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
F0111     When in doubt, make it sound convincing.
F0112     A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
F0113     When all else fails, read the directions.
F0114     If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
F0115     If reality wants to get in touch with me, it knows where I am.
F0116     When forced to choose between two evils, try the new one.
F0117     No one wants advice--only corroboration.
F0118     If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents very
F0118    Ccarefully.
F0119     Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.
F0119    CThat will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
F0120     If a ferret bites you it is nearly always your own fault.
F0121     Painting is easy when you don't know how, but very difficult
F0121    Cwhen you do.
F0122     Don't forget to swing hard, in case you hit the ball.
F0123     Always pee before a long car trip.
F0124     Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
F0125     The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not
F0125    Cto be its parent.
F0126     If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt.
F0127     Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
F0128     Never cry over spilt milk.  It could've been whiskey.
F0129     Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook
F0129    Cand the violinist.
F0130     Wise men don't need advice.  Fools don't take it.
F0131     No horse can go as fast as the money you put on it.
F0201     Every human being comes equipped with a brain at no extra cost.
F0202     To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
F0203     To save one life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
F0204     To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult,
F0204    Cto criticize the competent.
F0205     There`s so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
F0206     There`s at least one fool in every married couple.
F0207     There is always someone worse off than yourself.
F0208     The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
F0209     The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
F0210     Statistics are often used as a drunk uses a light pole:
F0210    CFor support rather than illumination.
F0211     The golf swing is like sex; you can't be thinking of the
F0211    Cmechanics of the act while you're doing it.
F0212     All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast.
F0213     The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want,
F0213    Cdrink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
F0214     Never buy at the bottom, and always sell too soon.
F0215     Never lose your sense of the superficial.
F0216     Life is like a sewer--you get out of it what you put into it.
F0217     It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them
F0217    Ctoo well.
F0218     Look wise, say nothing, and grunt: speech was given to
F0218    Cconceal thought.
F0219     A man who desires to get married should know everything or
F0219    Cnothing.
F0220     Don't accept rides from strange men--and remember that all
F0220    Cmen are as strange as hell.
F0221     Money isn't everything as long as you have enough.
F0222     Playing the violin must be like making love--all or nothing.
F0223     Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books
F0223    CI have in my library are books that other folks have lent to me.
F0224     A cardinal rule of politics: never get caught in bed with a live
F0224    Cman or a dead woman.
F0225     One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears--
F0225    Cby listening.
F0226     Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
F0227     If you can't keep up, drag them down to your level.
F0228     In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water;
F0228    Cin a developed country, don't breathe the air.
F0229     Happiness seems to require a modicum of external prosperity.
F0301     The plural of spouse is spice.
F0302     The only rose without thorns is friendship.
F0303     The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn`t.
F0304     The light of a hundred stars doesn't equal the light of the moon.
F0305     He who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn`t been asleep.
F0306     The hardest thing to do is to disquise your feelings when sending
F0306    Ca large crowd of visiting relatives home.
F0307     The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth
F0307    Cand sharpen my tongue.
F0308     The best prophet of the future is the past.
F0309     The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
F0310     The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
F0311     All you need to be assured of success in this life is
F0311    Cignorance and confidence.
F0312     There never was a good war or a bad peace.
F0313     When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
F0313    Cto let him keep her.
F0314     He gets on best with women who has learned to get on without
F0314    Cthem.
F0315     Don't take yourself too seriously.  And don't be too serious
F0315    Cabout not taking yourself too seriously.
F0316     Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before break-
F0316    Cfast, eat your breakfast first.
F0317     When a thought is too weak to be expressed simply,
F0317    Csimply drop it.
F0318     It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good
F0318    Cadvice is absolutely fatal.
F0319     Play well, or play badly, but play truly.
F0320     Age is a question of mind over matter.  If you don't mind,
F0320    Cit doesn't matter.
F0321     Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag
F0321    Cof its tail.
F0322     A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
F0323     It's wiser to be kind than to be wise.
F0324     If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like
F0324    Cchild, everything usually works out pretty well.
F0325     If you drink enough wine, it doesn't matter how bad it is.
F0326     Never wear anything that panics the cat.
F0327     Never eat more than you can lift.
F0328     He that lieth down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.
F0329     Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
F0330     Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
F0331     The little white ball won't move 'til you hit it, and there's
F0331    Cnothing you can do after it's gone.
F0401     The average woman would rather be beautiful than smart
F0401    Cbecause the average man can see better than he can think.
F0402     That must be wonderful!  I dont understand it at all.
F0403     Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
F0404     Someone is speaking well of you.
F0405     Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
F0406     No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting.
F0407     Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
F0408     The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once
F0408    Cand put it in your pocket.
F0409     If you step on people in this life, you're going to come back
F0409    Cas a cockroach.
F0410     Always tell the truth--it's the easiest thing to remember.
F0411     Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a
F0411    Cfriend if she were a man.
F0412     Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else
F0412    Cto run into.
F0413     Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
F0414     To lead the people, walk behind them.
F0415     It is necessary to relax your muscles whenever you can.
F0415    CRelaxing your brain is fatal.
F0416     It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you
F0416    Cdon't do it in the street and frighten the horses.
F0417     If at first you don't succeed, you may be at your level of
F0417    Cincompetence already.
F0418     A little bit of perfume doesn't hurt you if you don't drink it.
F0419     In certain trying, urgent, and desparate circumstances,
F0419    Cprofanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.
F0420     Never date a woman whose father calls her "Princess."  Chances
F0420    Care she believes it.
F0421     Nothing is good in moderation.  You cannot know good in any-
F0421    Cthing until you have torn the heart out of it by excess.
F0422     Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but
F0422    Cwish we didn't.
F0423     Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
F0424     No one is ever old enough to know better.
F0425     Have no fear of perfection--you'll never reach it.
F0426     Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
F0427     There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball.  Unfor-
F0427    Ctunately, neither of them works.
F0428     If you see a snake, just kill it--don't appoint a committee
F0428    Con snakes.
F0429     A food is not necessarily essential just because your child
F0429    Chates it.
F0430     A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches fifty, and a
F0430    Cfool if he doesn't drink afterward.
F0501     Some men are discovered; others are found out.
F0502     Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
F0503     When all is said and done, too many people
F0503    Ckeep on saying and doing.
F0504     Fame is proof that people are gullible.
F0505     We have nothing to fear but fear itself.
F0506     No really great man every thought himself so.
F0507     There is as much greatness in acknowledging a good turn,
F0507    Cas there is in doing it.
F0508     Beware of hip and rum drivers.
F0509     Home to a young boy is merely a filling station.
F0510     Early to rise and ditto to bed, make a man healthy,
F0510    Cbut socially dead.
F0511     Beware the man who can't be bothered with details.
F0512     Nothing beats reading a good book when there is work to do.
F0513     While forbidden fruit may be sweeter, it spoils faster.
F0514     You're smart when you only believe half of what you hear,
F0514    CWise is when you know which half to believe.
F0515     A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
F0516     Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.
F0517     If your head is wax, don't walk in the sun.
F0518     Never contend with a man who has nothing to lose.
F0519     If the following foursome is pressing you, wave them through
F0519    Cand then speed up.
F0520     To fall in love with yourself is the first secret of happiness.
F0520    CI did so at the age of four-and-a-half.  Then if you're not a
F0520    Cmixer you can always fall back on your own company.
F0521     One should only see a psychologist out of boredom.
F0522     There are two times in a man's life when he should not specu-
F0522    Clate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
F0523     Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse.
F0524     You can't be happy with a woman who pronounces both
F0524    C"d's" in Wednesday.
F0525     It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if
F0525    Cthe result is twins.
F0526     Never be haughty to the humble.  Never be humble to the haughty.
F0527     Stand not too near the rich man lest he destroy thee--and not
F0527    Ctoo far away lest he forget thee.
F0528     When seeking love give nothing, Having found love give all.
F0529     If you ever find yourself on the ground, just make a noise like
F0529    Ca carrot and your horse will come running back to you.
F0530     In gallant trim the gilded vessel goes,
F0530    CYouth on the bow, Pleasure at the helm.
F0531     If she had lumbago she couldn't sing a note.
F0601     Show affection, it will probably meet with pleasant response.
F0602     Share your happiness with others today.
F0603     She`s learned to say things with her eyes that others
F0603    Cwaste time trying to put into words.
F0604     Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth.
F0605     People will buy anything that`s one to a customer.
F0606     Ours is a world where people don`t know what they want and
F0606    Care willing to go through hell to get it.
F0607     One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
F0608     One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
F0609     Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
F0610     Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
F0611     Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
F0612     No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
F0613     Never say you know a man
F0613    Cuntil you have divided an inheritance with him.
F0614     Mistakes are oft the stepping stones to failure.
F0615     Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
F0616     Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle
F0616    Cto get you out of Casablanca.
F0617     Matrimony is the root of all evil.
F0618     Many a family tree needs trimming.
F0619     Man and wife make one fool.
F0620     Man`s horizons are bounded by his vision.
F0621     Make new friends but keep the old, One is silver the other gold.
F0622     Make a wish, it might come true.
F0623     Love is sentimental measles.
F0624     Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
F0625     Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
F0626     Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
F0627     Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
F0628     The heart is wiser than the intellect.
F0629     May the force be with you.
F0630     It`s a poor workman who blames his tools.
F0701     It`s clever, but is it art?
F0702     It is far better to be deceived
F0702    Cthan to be undeceived by those we love.
F0703     It is Fortune, not wisdom that rules man`s life.
F0704     The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
F0705     If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
F0706     If you make a mistake,
F0706    Cimmediately fix it to the best of your ability.
F0707     If you continually give you will continually have.
F0708     Quit work and play for once.
F0709     If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.
F0710     I`ve given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
F0711     The orator speaks, with his flood of words
F0711    Cand his drop of reason.
F0712     He who is good for making excuses
F0712    Cis seldom good for anything else.
F0713     He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
F0714     He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
F0715     He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
F0716     He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another`s mishap.
F0717     He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
F0718     Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
F0719     By following the good, you learn to be good.
F0720     Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear through.
F0721     An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
F0722     The picture of health requires a happy frame of mind.
F0723     All who would win joy must share it, happiness was born a twin.
F0724     No one is so happy or sad as he imagines.
F0725     Every anarchist is a baffled dictator.
F0726     An institution is the lengthened shadow of one man.
F0727     He cannot rule the great who cannot rule the small.
F0728     No facts are sacred, none are profane.
F0729     Faith will not die while seed catalogs are printed.
F0730     Public speaking takes a two minute idea,
F0730    Cand a two hour vocabulary.
F0731     All work and no play makes jack.  And lots of it.
F0801     God gives us relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
F0802     Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgment.
F0803     Faith goes out through the window
F0803    Cwhen beauty comes in at the door.
F0804     Everything bows to success, even grammar.
F0805     Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
F0806     Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
F0807     Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
F0808     Behind every argument is someone`s ignorance.
F0809     Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
F0810     A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a
F0810    Cfool can see from a mountain top.
F0811     Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt.
F0812     Only the doctor can suffer from good health.
F0813     Communism will work when love, not greed, inspires it.
F0814     Democracy will continue as long as people have faith
F0814    Cin the people they are going to elect next.
F0815     The desire to work is confined to classified ads.
F0816     God never imposes a duty without giving time to do it.
F0817     Thrift is a wonderful virtue - in an ancestor.
F0818     If we were intended to talk more than we hear,
F0818    Cwe'd have two mouths and only one ear.
F0819     Better to be religious with your eloquence,
F0819    Cthan eloquent with your religion.
F0820     Freedom has a thousand charms to show,
F0820    Cthat slaves, however content, will never know.
F0821     The louder he talked of his honor,
F0821    Cthe faster we counted our change.
F0822     Of all the ills that men endure,
F0822    Chope is the only cheap and universal cure.
F0823     If you bow at all, bow low.
F0824     Toil is most pleasant when done.
F0825     Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more.
F0826     A minister says matrimony should be enduring.  It is.
F0827     No man can serve two masters, yes-men can serve hundreds.
F0828     A good man gone wrong is usually a bad man found out.
F0829     Losing weight: the triumph of mind over platter.
F0830     To get ahead and stay ahead, use your head.
F0831     A fool and his money are invited everywhere.
F0901     Do not clog intellect`s sluices
F0901    Cwith knowledge of questionable uses.
F0902     Deprive a mirror of its silver
F0902    Cand even the Czar won`t see his face.
F0903     Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
F0904     A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
F0905     A plucked goose doesn`t lay golden eggs.
F0906     Hearts will never be practical til they're unbreakable.
F0907     They do not love that do not show their love.
F0908     Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
F0909     Honi soit qui mal y pense.
F0909    C(Shamed be he who thinks evil of it.)
F0910     Ideals kill some men in politics,
F0910    Cbut politics kill more ideals in men.
F0911     Ignorance is the mother of superstition.
F0912     No woman should imitate men;  men are not worth it.
F0913     At 18, I was ashamed of how ignorant my father was.
F0913    CAt 21, I was amazed at how much he had learned in three years.
F0914     Most campaign literature is an insult to intelligence.
F0914    CSad that many never realize it.
F0915     You can judge a man by how he keeps his golf score.
F0916     America did not invent human rights,
F0916    CHuman Rights invented America.
F0917     The reason people blame things on previous generations?
F0917    CThere's only one other choice!
F0918     Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
F0919     Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
F0920     Don't complain, don't explain.
F0921     Breaks balance out.  The sun don't shine on the same ol' dog's
F0921    Cass every day.
F0922     One disadvantage of having nothing to do:
F0922    CYou can't stop and rest.
F0923     Real love stories have no endings.
F0924     There are several good protections against temptation, but the
F0924    Csurest is cowardice.
F0925     There is nothing so awkward as courting a woman whilst she is
F0925    Cmaking sausages.
F0926     Do unto yourself as your neighbors do unto themselves and look
F0926    Cpleasant.
F0927     When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
F0928     Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
F0929     Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
F0930     Watermelon--it's a good fruit.  You eat, you drink, you wash
F0930    Cyour face.
F1001     Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude
F1001    Cis the school of genius.
F1002     Justice delayed is justice denied.
F1003     They know enough who know how to learn.
F1004     The laborer is worthy of his hire, if his labor is.
F1005     Love is blind, to everything except fat.
F1006     A husband is the medicine that cures all the ills of girlhood.
F1007     Pale ink beats a good memory.
F1008     Would that government spent our money like it was their own.
F1009     Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
F1010     If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.
F1011     Just because he's on the road, it doesn't mean his mind is.
F1012     Death and taxes may always be with us,
F1012    CBut at least death doesn't get any worse.
F1013     Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend
F1013    Cto one; enemy to none.
F1014     A solved problem creates two new problems, and the best pre-
F1014    Cscription for happy living is not to solve any more problems
F1014    Cthan you have to.
F1015     Always do one thing less than you think you can do.
F1016     Forget living well.  The best revenge is revenge.
F1017     A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of
F1017    Cit is absolutely fatal.
F1018     It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
F1019     Never befriend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on
F1019    Cthe oppressor.
F1020     Always stay in with the outs.
F1021     Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar; never spread it
F1021    Caround like marmalade.
F1022     Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly.
F1023     Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.
F1024     If you don't get it by midnight, chances are you ain't gonna
F1024    Cget it; and if you do, it ain't worth it.
F1025     Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
F1026     Boys don't make passes at female smartasses.
F1027     What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody
F1027    Cto do it.
F1028     A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him
F1028    Csomething for his own good.
F1029     If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object
F1029    Clesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.
F1030     Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.
F1031     Learn young about hard work and manners--and you'll be through
F1031    Cthe whole dirty mess and nicely dead again before you know it.
F1101     A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl
F1101    Cdoesn't lose her confidence.
F1102     I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent.
F1103     The best government teaches us to govern ourselves.
F1104     The bigger the bankroll, the tighter the band around it.
F1105     Are you a good witch, or are you a bad witch?
F1106     Blessed are the peacemakers, they will never want for work.
F1107     Bachelor's wives and spinster's children are always perfect.
F1108     Better the shoulder to the wheel than the back to the wall.
F1109     Whatever you have, spend less.
F1110     In fashion be a reed in the wind,
F1110    CIn principles be a rock in the stream.
F1111     He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.
F1112     The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
F1113     Learning music by reading about it,
F1113    CIs like making love by mail.
F1114     Think you've got influence?  Try commanding someone else's dog.
F1115     It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
F1116     Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of
F1116    Cenemy.
F1117     Never judge a book by its movie.
F1118     Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
F1119     Don't carry a gun.  It's nice to have them close by, but don't
F1119     carry them.  You might get arrested.
F1120     If a man keeps his trap shut, the world will beat a path to his
F1120    Cdoor.
F1121     Character is what you know you are,
F1121    CNot what others think you are.
F1122     A winner never whines.
F1123     Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is
F1123    Cbarely enough.
F1124     If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.
F1125     Don't need a new religion, haven't used the old one up yet.
F1126     There are two sides to every question, politicians take both.
F1127     Politics is either passing the buck or passing the dough.
F1128     To make pleasures pleasant, shorten them.
F1129     Never despair.  If you do, you work on in despair.
F1130     Too many pray for peace with their fists clenched.
F1201     Two wrongs do not make a right, it usually takes three or more.
F1202     Lost interest? It`s so bad I`ve lost apathy.
F1203     The greatest programming project of all took six days;
F1203    Con the seventh day the programmer rested.
F1204     The only red menace in America is the sunburn.
F1205     Every noble work is at first impossible.
F1206     To reform a man, begin with his grandmother.
F1207     No man's religion ever survives his morals.
F1208     Who to himself is law, no law doth need.
F1209     Selfishness is that vice we see in others, never in ourselves.
F1210     Equality of the sexes leaves women standing on buses.
F1211     Never borrow trouble, the interest is entirely too high.
F1212     To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
F1213     It is better to live rich than to die rich.
F1214     A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.
F1215     Never allow your child to call you by your first name.
F1215    CHe hasn't known you long enough.
F1216     If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to
F1216    Ca friend.
F1217     Life is like a dogsled team.  If you ain't the lead dog, the
F1217    Cscenery never changes.
F1218     Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a
F1218    Clarge research staff to study the problem.
F1219     Never retreat.  Never explain.  Get it done and let them howl.
F1220     If you can't convince them, confuse them.
F1221     When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
F1222     Play like you've got guts coming out of your ears.
F1223     Take a lesson from the weather:
F1223    CIt pays no attention to criticism.
F1224     If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it
F1224    Cwas intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures;
F1224    Csimply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.
F1225     If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
F1226     Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish
F1226    Cthe rest.
F1227     Do your kids a favor--don't have any.
F1228     No one really knows enough to be a pessimist.
F1229     You are not judged by how much you love,
F1229    Cbut by how much you are loved by others.
F1230     It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a
F1230    Cmistake.
F1231     Nothing risque, nothing gained.