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LI-TMATO.LIT
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1994-11-21
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The Screaming Tomato
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Tuny confronted his mother, shaking slightly...
"Mother, is it true? Am I not a full-blooded beefsteak tomato?
"Am I a bastard?"
Tuny's shiny red mother tried her best to comfort him, then admitted,
"Yes, dear. Your father was a potato."
"But... i thought a potato was a starchy white tuber, while a tomato
is a pulpy berry-like fruit...?"
"Well, that's true..."
"Then how...?"
"I don't know, look it up in Webster's dictionary."
Tuny was horrified to find out that he was, in fact, related to the
potato. He quickly packed his things, with only one thought in mind:
He must kill the potato.
So, despite his mother's pleadings and ketchup tears, he stormed out
of the house.
He bought a ticket forthe next available train for Idaho, and
gathering his vegetable peeler and julienne cutter, he boarded the
train.
Idaho came quickly, and he began his long search for the potato which
had defiled his family's bloodline.
Rumours of the existence of a potato which had left behind a wife and
a seedling soon led him to a small farm near the southern border.
Confronting each of the potatoes in turn, he finally found the
offending potato.
To his disappointment, the potato had grown old. Its eyes were
stretched out over several feet and it was almost dead.
Readying the peeler, he stepped forward and demanded, "Why?"
The old potato stirred, waited a few seconds, and then replied,
"You may not believe this, boy, but I really loved your mother.
"I left because I knew how tough it would be for you, going to school
with all the other tomatoes. You'd have been pureed by the other
tomatoes just for being a half-breed. I left because I cared."
Not buying this feeble emotional crap, Tuny chopped the elderly
tuber into hash browns.
"You're not my father!" he screamed.
And so, with his father properly julienned, Tuny set out for the
library, to find out just how the hell a tomato can possibly
be related to a potato. Balderdash!
SAUCE00The Screaming Tomato Livewire MiSTiGRiS 19941120P